Progress!

Had my very first weigh-in at Weight Watchers! According to my initial weigh-in last Tuesday I was 240.2, tonight, I was 238.2!! BOOYA BABY! That's -2lbs and I am 100% successful!! *doing a jig in my chair* "go me, oh yeah, go me!"

I have to be honest about the weigh-in though. I was seriously crestfallen when she told me it was 2lbs. What SHE said was "Great job! You're down 2lbs this week!" What I heard in my head and said to myself was "Great, ONLY 2lbs this week!" WOW, what a monumental difference there is in those two sentences!! BUT, I decided to go right back to my JUST GIVE ME A YEAR! mantra and Damn Right Baby, I'm SUCCESSFUL!

Weight Watchers has been very, very difficult for me mentally. The way that it works is that I am allotted a certain number of "points" each day. Here's how you determine your points target:

1. What do you weigh?
Enter the first two digits of your weight in pounds. For example, if you weigh 175 enter 17.
2. Are you:
Female, enter 2
Male, enter 8

3. How old are you?
17-26....4
27-37....3
38-47....2
48-58....1
Over 58..0

4. How tall are you?
Under 5'1"......0
5'1" to 5'10"...1
Over 5'10"......2

5. How do you spend most of your working day:
Sitting down (office worker)......................0
Occasionally sitting but mostly standing (Mom)....2
Walking (postal worker)...........................4
Doing physically hard work(construction)..........6

Nursing mom's only
Are you solely breastfeeding...10
Supplementing w/bottles........5

Okay, so for me, this is what it looked like:
1. 24
2. 2
3. 3
4. 1
5. 2
Which adds up to 32 pts.

Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)

Exercise has not been coming very easily but it's getting there. I walked to the hospital last night, but hadn't really done anything since. Today I went with Will over to Ron & Rolaynes to move a HUGE pile of firewood from the side of their house. I'd grab the wood, toss it to Will who would load it into the wheelbarrow. Once the wheelbarrow was full we'd go to the dog pen where we were putting it and I'd toss it out of the wheelbarrow to him. We did that in the heat for about 3.5-4hrs!! My arms are tired but really, my back is in agony. We're going back tomorrow to do some more! :)

Bed-Invader/Resolution

Bed-Invader had another night terror. Took me 10 mins to wake her up. She kept screaming & waving her hand "I'M RIGHT HERE!" When I finally got her awake she couldn't calm down & finally "I want Daddy!" I am eternally grateful for a Daddy who answers his phone at 2am on the... 2nd ring & calms his little girl down in two breaths. It's not ideal, but it's perfect for what it is. Thank you Will for being such a good Dad.

Despite how angry and frustrated I was at him, he's still a good dad. What he does on his time is none of mine (or anyone else's really) business and being without him here, and being in charge of my kids is my reality and I need to stop whining about it and deal with it. All of these years I've wanted him to rescue me, to discipline because I'm weak, fix things because I thought I lacked the ability. None of this true. I do not need him to rescue me, I do not need him to step in to discipline the kids and I can fix things on my own. In fact, expecting him to discipline them is highly unfair to him because when he comes over to see them, that's what ends up being their visits. I AM strong enough to do this with or without him. I am very, very blessed in that the relationship that Will and I have is as good as it is. We could fight, argue, hate each other, spew venom at every opportunity. But we don't. We enjoy being around each other because we are fairly good friends. I still harbor a lot of feelings, good and bad, and I believe he harbors some resentment he's not even sure he's carrying around. But for the most part, we don't fight in front of the kids, or about the kids, or about anything really, except money and we've been doing that since we got married so why change, eh? We can go places together with the kids, a luxery that not many people have in their divorce. The trick I need to learn is to suck it up when it gets hard and stop blaming him for it (even though it was his fault! ;))

Our difficult day ended beautifully. The kids got the house clean, WITHOUT HIM HERE, we rented a movie, popped popcorn and just had a nice quiet evening.

M'Lis

Measurements for today:

Before
Ankle (R)11 (L)11
Midcalf (R)19 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22.75 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)31.5 (L)30.5
Abs 49
Hips 52.75
Waist 38
Chest 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.5
Neck 15

After
Ankle (R)10.5 (L)10.5
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18
Above Knee (R)22.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)30.5 (L)30
Abs 46.5
Hips 52
Waist 37
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15 (L)15.5
Neck 14.5

Total Loss: 9.75 inches

I think I am retaining water so my ankles and legs were pretty swollen today.

Frustration

Today I am struggling, a lot. My friend and her daughter were going to come and play with us today. I told the kids that they need to clean their rooms or our friends cannot come and play. We're working on hour 10 and the work is STILL not done. It would have then them less than 20 minutes if they'd of just done the work. Jade is being so mean and disrespectful. All of them are fighting, hitting, punching each other. They're screaming, yelling, telling me they hate me and each other. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I do not know how to get them listen. I've tried to be nice, I've tried rewards "if the work gets done Brittany can come over", I've tried enforcing punishment by making them stand in the corner for time out, removed the option of Brittany and Kyra's visit ... Nothing is working, at all.

This is a typical day for me. The kids do not listen, they do not care, they fight, argue, scream, yell, ignore me. What is difficult is knowing that my ex is having a nice, quiet day with his girlfriend. They probably went hiking or for a walk. A drive in the canyon or a picnic. Maybe fishing. All the things I begged for him to do with me when we were married and he'd go, just not with me. I always got left home with the kids, just like now. I am so angry I want to call him and yell at him. How fun for him to have a nice quiet weekend without the worry of the children and their chaos. How nice for him to be able to sleep in and not worry about feeding, bathing, disciplining anybody. How nice for him to be able to come over here and visit for a few hours, not have to worry about disciplining them here, making them clean, making them obey, and then leave at the end of the night, leaving me to bathe and chase them into bed 100 times. It's unfair. He is planning a trip to Alaska with his girlfriend. "Just the first of many" he says. He got pissed off at me because I had the key to a truck that has MY name on it and he wanted it for his girlfriend to borrow it "because she needs to pick something up". I told him that she could come and meet me somewhere and I'd give her the key but I had plans. That wasn't good enough, I had to go out of my way to get the key over there "before 7 because that's too late". Then I found out that the reason she needed the truck was to drive to Jackson Hole, WY (a 6 hour drive) to be with him, after he told me the truck isn't insured and didn't want me just "driving it around". His life is so easy. He complains that he works "so hard" to make sure he pays his child support and alimony ... well la-te-da. He complains that I do not work hard enough because I do not have a job outside the house right now, complained when we were married that I didn't work hard enough to keep the house clean and everything together. He got everything when he walked out. He got his freedom, he's got his girlfriends, often times 2 of them overlap, he's got his weekends, and his ability to sleep in and go to the mountains and go hiking and go the bar to drink ... all he has to do is standard visitation with the kids which he barely does because of his work which he complains he has to do to pay the cs/a and while he is here I am here still disciplining, still cleaning, still cooking, still taking care of everything. Otherwise he's a free man. I, on the other hand, can't go anywhere, not even to my appts with my therapist without the kids unless I PAY a sitter. I spend every day feeding/disciplining/fighting with/bathing/entertaining and taking care of the children. I spend everyday trying to clean up mess after mess and laundry that never stops. He doesn't come here unless it's convenient for him and his girlfriend. He leaves if there's a better offer. Like last Friday. He knew I had plans to go out BEFORE he left for Lava, yet I still ended up worrying about getting a sitter at the last minute. The reason? Because he had a better offer from his girlfriend. Instead of spending the time he has available to him with his kids, he ditches them to be with her. Now she's going out of town and he wants to come and see them. I'm selfish and I'm angry. I want him to go away and never come back. I want him to just go live his selfish life and leave us alone. He wants to be a bachelor, he wants to go to the bars, go be with his girlfriends, go spend his money, his time and his effort on them. I'm tired of the kids being an afterthought, a fun place to hang out when he's not got better things to do. I am so frustrated, so angry, and so very, very tired of this.

Calories for kids?

Decided that since I am going to be changing my lifestyle that my children's lifestyle is going to be changed as well. While at the grocery store and found out about the bread, I also picked them up their favorite breakfast which is Quaker instant oatmeal "Dinosaur Eggs". Because it's OATMEAL I assumed there wouldn't be "too many" calories ... HA! 190 calories PER packet. Kydrun just ate 3!! Kydrun is not an eater, he's very picky and doesn't like a lot of food so he'll go several meals without eating unless it's something he likes. So for him to eat 3 bowls of oatmeal is huge, even if it is 190 calories each.

I did some research on calories for kids. According to http://kidshealth.org/kid/stay_healthy/food/calorie.html# "How Many Calories Do Kids Need?
Kids come in all sizes and each person's body burns energy (calories) at different rates, so there isn't one perfect number of calories that a kid should eat. But there is a recommended range for most school-age kids: 1,600 to 2,500 per day.

When they reach puberty, girls need more calories, but they tend to need fewer calories than boys. As boys enter puberty, they will need as many as 2,500 to 3,000 calories per day. But whether they are girls or boys, kids who are active and move around a lot will need more calories than kids who don't.

Most kids don't have to worry about not getting enough calories because the body — and feelings of hunger — help regulate how many calories a person eats..."

My kids are EXTREMELY active. They do not watch TV and are outside riding bikes or scooters all day long everyday. So I'd put them closer to the 2,500 range. That being said however, my son just ate 570 cals, 780mg of sodium and 42g sugar (which is approx 10 teaspoons of sugar!!) OUCH! The 2005 Dietary Guidelines for American recommend no more than 8 teaspoons per day (32 grams) based on a 2000 calorie per day diet. So he's already over!! Good link: http://www.drrobynsilverman.com/2008/03/13/pour-some-sugar-on-it-how-much-sugar-is-in-my-childs-food/

So despite the fact that we don't "need" to count calories for our kids, it's probably a VERY good idea to pay close attention to what the calories are that they eat. My problem has never been "over eating" obviously as an unintentional anorexic, however the calories that I did put into my body when I finally did eat were sugar and fat and those add up FAST. So somehow, I'm going to need to trick Kydrun with the oatmeal. Trick him into apples and carrots as well. The girls I'm not overly worried about, they both eat well, but Kydrun ...

Great Week!

So this week has been fantastic on my way to my Year!!

On Tuesday my sister and I joined Weight Watchers together. This will/has proven to be a difficult thing for me because as I discussed before I am, as my friend Ruth called me, an "unintentional anorexic". Forcing myself to eat 3 meals is hard, and I have been practically 100% unsuccessful to date. On the upside of this, I discovered this week WHY eating is so difficult for me. I get sick every time eat, and I mean SICK. Sometimes I throw up, I get horrible stomach cramps and sharp pains and other less glamorous symptoms. It's awful. The cure for this? Don't eat. I hadn't made the connection before now. With WW, I my "points goal" is 32 which is based on my current weight, age, height, lifestyle etc... My "goal" is actually to EAT 32pts worth of food, not cut out to get DOWN to 32pts. My body can't lose if my metabolism is completely shut down, which it currently is because of my unintentional anorexia.

Wednesday I made an "executive decision" and fell completely off the wagon. For breakfast, which was actually lunch, I ate a piece of chocolate cake which my visiting teacher brought over to me since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I might have eaten two. I had another piece of cake for "lunch" and then at some point during the day I purchased a 20oz bottle of Dr.P, the first I'd had since Sunday. I drank only 3/4 of the soda because I forgot it was sitting there. It didn't do much for me, wasn't like I'd been in a desert without water for a week when I drank it. I also had a Subway sandwich, a Subway melt on flatbread which is bacon, ham, turkey, cheese and whatever else you put on it. It's my favorite and it's fattening.

On Thursday I had to wake up at 6:30 and force myself to eat breakfast, not only because of my "points" for weight watchers, but also because I was scheduled for an endoscopy that day and had to fast for it. About 10 minutes after eating 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and a cup of milk I was sick... a lot sick, again. Normally, I just wouldn't have eaten, and it wouldn't have been a big deal, but on Thursday morning I went down to my friend, Elizabeth's salon to have some sort of detox wrap done where she wrapped me up like a roll of cookie dough in saran wrap and let me sit for an hour. I lost 8 inches over all, and even lost some inches in my "cankles" which I was happy about. This wrap, being what it is, requires you drink a lot of water and eat so you don't get faint or light blood sugar. My timing on doing everything I do is always off, I do stuff like fast and get a detox wrap all the in same day all the time. Anyway, when I got home from the wrap and fell apart because I'm a big emotional baby I decided that since I wasn't going to be feeling up to it after my procedure, I'd get some walking in to hopefully work off that 10lbs of cake I ate the day before. So I walked to the hospital, which took me 25 minutes, was pretty much all uphill and about 1.5-2 miles from my house (I forgot to measure the distance). Walking to the hospital at 2pm on a day when the temperature was 100 or close to, when I've been fasting since 6:30 and just had who knows what sucked out of me with the wrap was not my wisest decision but I felt great when I got there. I got to the hospital in enough time to cool myself down and rest a bit and my legs were tingly and twitchy, which I love the feeling of. I need to learn to walk so that my hands don't swell up and fall asleep though. I tried the "speed walking" technique where I keep them up, but it just didn't feel right, so I quit. At the "procedure" they discovered I have an ulcer! YIPEE!! My enthusiasm is only halfway sarcastic. I am actually EXCITED to know what is wrong with me. I finally know why I am sick every time I eat, why I am in pain and nauseous all the time!! FINALLY!! It seems there are several reasons why I could have this ulcer so I have some habits to change (stress and worry over nothing, taking 2000mgs of ibuprofen on an empty stomach before I go to bed). After my appointment my Daddy took me "home", which to him means my original home, and he took care of me for the rest of the evening. Mom came home at some point and made a fabulous dinner of crab/cream cheese won ton's fried in oil and the best egg rolls you'll ever have, also fried in oil. Not good for the points or the waist line, but they tasted GREAT and I ate a ton. Dad brought me home and I was sick for the rest of the night. Ug!

Yesterday I didn't have breakfast, or lunch I don't think ... Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't eat at all until I went out to dinner with my friend Kari. I had one glass of Dr.P, another executive decision. Then we went to a party, which was lame as hell despite the fact that I met a very good looking and sweet guy named Thomas.

So here we are now, Saturday morning. I went to bed after 3 this morning and was up with a stomach ache at about 7. I'm so tired my eyes are burning but I can't go back to sleep. I took my medication for the ulcer and now I'm trying to force myself to eat a yogurt but even the spoon hitting my tongue makes me gag. Why is this so difficult?! How can I weight 240lbs and hate eating as much as I do?! Stomach ache is also not improving despite the medication today.

I made some discoveries at the grocery store at 2am this morning. Normally, I buy white Western Family "sandwich" bread, this time I went for the "100% Whole Wheat" sandwich bread also made by Western Family. Because I'm trying to read labels and be more aware of my caloric intake, and now the caloric intake for my family, I compared labels. I discovered that there are 50 more calories in the "wheat" bread and 15% of them are from FAT. The main ingredients are the same being "Enriched whole wheat flour". I decided to stick with the white bread because the calories are lower for the kids but found some fun new things for me. They are Oroweat Sandwhich Thins 100% whole wheat; 100 calories each. No high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat. They look like flat, wheaty hamburger buns. I also compared the Yoplait light yogurt to the regular and found that there is, if I remember right in my exhaustion, 50 calories less in the light and there's 0 from fat. So I stuck with the light. I'll have to get my book and list how many points I'm eating. I'm a 3/4 of the way through my yogurt... it's taken me 45 minutes.

Today I'm going to get some walking in. I've got two of my three kids back from their vacation. Jade is still gone, on day 7 today. I've had a fantastic time encouraging my friends in their goals as well. I've got two in particular who are really making an effort on their own and it makes me very happy. Just give us a year!!

M'Lis

Okay, I am doing these m'lis wraps with my friend Elizabeth who is an esthetitian. She rubs a exfoliant all over me and then rubs a detox type of cream that makes me hungry for cinnimon salt water taffy (the red ones with the red stripes) and then she wraps me up from shoulders to ankles in saran wrap. I lay under a blanket and nap for an hour. She takes my measurements before and after.

Before
Ankle (R)10.5 (L)11
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)32 (L)32.5
Abs 48.5
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest (not including the girls) 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.25

After
Ankle (R)10 (L)10.25
Midcalf (R)17.5 (L)18
Above Knee (R)21.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)31 (L)30
Abs 47
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15

Total Loss: 8.25 inches