Dieting sucks

So, today I had to get up to take my 10 year old to get some oral surgery at 7am. 7am is an ungodly time of day that should not exist.  Because I had to get up that early, IN THE SNOW, I decided I deserved one of my favorites for breakfast: McDONALDS! I hate McD's most of the time, their regular food is disgusting but their breakfast ... mmMMmmm.  I decided against my typical bacon, egg & cheese mcgriddle because of the delicious, syrupy, pancakey goodness of the buns & just got the bacon, egg & cheese bagel.  I normally get the whole meal, w/ the yummy greasy goodness of the potatoes but today, I passed on my greasy taters to my Sweetheart (as if HE needs the greasy goodness...doh).  I did keep & quite enjoyed my large orange juice, though. 

I have not craved a Dr. Pepper today, at all.  It's probably because I've been distracted & really tired (again, 7am is an ungodly time of day!!).

I skipped lunch.  I actually forgot all about it until about 2:30 when my kids came home all clamoring how they were starving to death because Mrs. Obama has cut their portion sizes into a pittance. I decided if I want to get my calories & protein in for today I'd better eat.  So, I dipped into some carrots & peanut butter. 

I did manage to overcome a huge temptation today, yea me. We had pizza for dinner because 7am IS AN UNGODLY TIME OF DAY! I was being too lazy to cook.  While ordering it, I ordered a dessert pizza ... oh again, the greasy, yummy, cinnamony goodness of dessert pizza.  ERK! The guy said, "Would you like the cinnamon or the raspberry cream?"  Oh what a predicament my sugar addiction had put me into!!  My head was screaming CINNAMON! GET THE CINNAMON!!  I'll eat half the pizza MYSELF!! YUMMM!! But logic took over and ordered the raspberry because I hate it and won't eat it (my taste buds have standards).   That was truly triumphant for me.  The way I crave sugar is the way an addict craves crack. It is truly pathetic.  Regardless, I'm proud of me & not allowing myself to just give in and start over tomorrow. 

Dieting sucks.  But being fat is worse.  My 15 year old daughter came in today to tell me very excitedly that her BMI is only 22!!  WOOHOO!! Of course it is, she's a stinkin' cute skinny little thing! She seriously is darling & a long legged waif.  She's perfectly healthy & shapely and beautiful and I was so happy that she felt good about herself and where her body is instead of obsessing over her cute little poochy tummy that ALL GIRLS have! But inside my head I said sadly, "Mine's 44". A BMI of 44.  Do you know what that means?  Nearly HALF of me is nothing but fat.  My sweet kids keep telling me I'm not fat. I love their sweet little delusional minds.  262lbs and bmi of 44 is not even fat ... The word for it is OBESE.  So, dieting sucks ... but being fat sucks worse. 

Food Log

1/9/2013   So, I went to a nutrition specialist today to see if I could get help w/ my eating disorder (which, for those of you who don't know, is starvation. Not anorexia, but I do not possess the hormone that tells my body I'm hungry so I will go for multiple meals without eating because I am just simply not hungry enough to eat). So my first step is protein, lots of protein, lots of water (oh joy), more sleep (hallelujah!) & starting w/ light exercise outside of my typical lifestyle stuff like laundry/cleaning. Oh, and btw, I got weighed today ... I told the woman she ruined my day. I clocked in at my highest weight ever (moo) 262.4

 In my search for "protein", which I automatically picture in my head as a cow ... just a cow, I found these. I don't know if this is what is meant by "protein", but I got them because it's made out of ... you guessed it ... cow.





 Found some chicken ones too that I got because everyone on a diet talks about eating a lot of chicken and fish.











Here's the nutritional information for the chicken (on the right) and the beef (on the left).

 

 LUNCH TIME! Today's forced lunch. About 1/3 of the chicken in the package, it said it held two servings but the servings seemed pretty large to me. Half a grapefruit, which is a stretch for me since I hate grapefruit and a GINORMOUS bottle of water (oh joy). Had to force it in since I wasn't hungry and there was a wee bit of gagging at first but I conquered and at it all, even the grapefruit (which is an ART, btw).

Turns out it's not half bad, especially with salt.  The chicken was a little weird tasting, but I am sure it's because I wasn't sure what I was expecting.

The water is another thing that's been a difficult adjustment.  "Lots of water" ... Lots of water in my previous life meant I drank a mouthful when I took my medication everyday.  Otherwise, if I was thirsty I drank Dr. Pepper... upwards of 32-44oz!! Sometimes I'd even drink it everyday.  It's a pathetic addiction that I blame on my children.  I always think of Dr. Pepper as a cigarette or a glass of alcohol.  When I'm stressed & the kids are bugging me, I just "NEED" a Dr. Pepper to calm me down!  But back to the water... drinking water means lots (and lots and lots) of trips to the bathroom.  I don't think I "feel" any better drinking this much water, but I'm only a bottles in, it'll take time I'm sure.
 
Dinner on my first diet day left a bit to be desired. I just had about a cup of frozen lasagna.

Here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal
922 Calories
162 Carbs
15 Fat
42 Protein

Here is what MyFitnessPal says my daily goals are in regards to the calories, carbs, fat & protein in relation to my lifestyle, weight etc...

1,850 Calories
254 Carbs
62 Fat
69 Protein 

So of course, under on the calories nearly by half ... still starving myself fat.

1/10/2013  BREAKFAST! My Achilles Heel.  Because 7am is an ungodly time of day (refer to one of my other posts) I don't normally eat breakfast because I am rarely awake to and in the mornings I'm just not hungry enough to eat.  HOWEVER, because the nutritionist told me I have to eat AT LEAST 3 meals a day, I got up and made myself breakfast. 

 4 egg whites & a ham steak.

 For lunch I attempted to have the same that I had eaten the day before, the chicken and the grapefruit, but I just never got around to eating the grapefruit & just ate the chicken.

This is a 7" salad plate, in case you wondered.



 Dinner on day two was considerably better. The picture is slightly deceiving though. I didn't eat the cucumber.  It had gotten frozen and then thawed and was just gross.  I did eat the beef & that super cute watermelon though, and both were pretty good.

After dinner I started having a really strong, almost overwhelming craving for Dr. Pepper, or sugarsugarsugarsugar. I spotted a big, solid chocolate Santa sucker one of the kids had gotten for Christmas on the shelf & zeroed in on it.  My loving, wonderful Sweetheart however is being super supportive & went in search of a better alternative to my mad craving.  He came back w/ a protein bar & a can of peaches.  That worked pretty well, for a minute.  By the end of the night I ended up having an orange danish from Maverick & a small hot chocolate (they were delish & lots and lots of sugar!)

Here's how my day looked on fitnesspal
1,639 Calories
243 Carbs
41 Fat
91 Protein

Under on Calories, but only slightly ... much better food day!

1/11/2013  Day Three I actually logged on my other post "Dieting Sucks", I ate a McDonalds bacon, egg & cheese bagel and a large orange juice. Skipped lunch & ate pizza toppings & the other half of my cutie watermelon.

Here's how it all ended up on fitnesspal:
1,625 Calories
196 Carbs
69 Fat (no surprise I was over there)
57 Protein

Another good calorie day.  I need to focus on eating GOOD calories, keeping my carbs low or at least healthy & high in Protein.  So far the protein part is not hard at all, but getting enough Calories correctly is proving to take some work. 

1/12/2013  Day Four, first weekend.  Ate breakfast, and it was pretty good.  I had 5 egg whites mixed w/ 4 slices of Land o'Lakes Bistro Favorites Honey Glazed Ham & a small bit of cheese melted on top.  I forgot to take a picture before I ate it.  Oops.

 For lunch/snack I had one of these slim rite drinks.  It tasted pretty alright.  I actually forgot to eat lunch and then realized I had to at least eat something, so I had this. 


Dinner was late tonight.  I was being ridiculously lazy today and when we finally did get up to go do something it was like 4pm and we ended up having to go to 5 different stores to find what we were looking for. 

Dinner for the family was Spaghetti w/ canned fruit.  Dinner for mom was some of that John Soules fajita beef w/ a 1/4c marinara sauce on the top and a cup of the canned fruit.  I haven't done very good w/ the water today.  I've only had about 5 glasses, I'll try to squeeze in the rest before bed... that'll make a fun night.






Here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal:
1,064 Calories
144 Carbs
25 Fat
76 Protein

Another fairly good calorie day, only 800 something shy. 

1/13/2013  Day Five, nearly a week.  I had a slow day, it's Sunday.  Had a nice reasonable breakfast of cardboard w/ banana and water:

 Whoever said Kashi Go Lean was good ... LIED.  Absolutely tasteless.  I'm sure as I work on running the sugar out of my system I'll adjust to the "natural" taste of food.  But for now, just this side of cardboard.  The banana was yummy though.  I've really been enjoying the influx of fruit and veggies in my diet.


I skipped lunch because of church, our church meets from 1-4 which is a terrible time but we all must make sacrifices I suppose.  I just drank one of those Slim Rites on my way out the door so I didn't get overly shaky or distracted during my meetings.

For dinner we had slow cooker pork steaks that were cooked in cream of chicken soup w/ ranch dressing powder.  They were okay, I'm not a real fan of pork, but I needed to shake up the beef/chicken trend some.  As a side the kids were given mashed taters and green beans.  I skipped on the taters.  The plate is not pretty by any stretch, but food is food & I am not complaining.  This is a 7" salad plate, it's the only plate I ever use.

After my snakies, which I blogged about in the post "My Brand of Heroin" here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal:

1,648 Calories
229 Carbs
53 Fat
71 Protein

STILL under on calories!! HUGE carbs though, shame on me. The goal is 254, I was nearly at that and it was all because of the CRAP I shoved in my face.

1/14/2013  Day Six!  Fiber One Honey Squares MUCH tastier! The bit of honey on them satisfied my itchy sweet tooth & the banana made it a much more filling meal.




For lunch, I decided to cheat.  I was out running errands for a bit and *really*really*really* wanted Wendy's.  I love their Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers & could eat them at just about every meal.  I didn't get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.  I got an Asiago Chicken Club.  I did not get it in the meal, only got the sandwhich. I waited to eat until I got home.  I had a friend one time tell me when we went out for lunch during work "Let's eat! Fat girls don't wait!"  She was a darling girl, absolutely beautiful & as wide as she was tall.  So we ate in the car because fat girls don't wait.  So, when I can, I wait.  Today, I waited, came home put it on a plate and threw the buns in the garbage.  I've been pretty surprised at how easily I've turned away from the starches given the fact that they turn to sugar in my system.  However that could explain why I am withdrawing so badly, I haven't just given up the sugary DP & the snacks, I've also given up the bread, pasta's and other starches.  I'm starving the sugar bug out!!

I gave in today & drank the DP that was in the fridge.  I'm not really sure why I did ... I wasn't actually craving it or wanting it.  I actually only ended up drinking half of it & dumping the other half out.


Was feeling cranky & ornery (and pms-y) and very un-hungry for dinner. I finished off the last half of the fruit/protein shake I made last night and called it good.  I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Here's my day looked on myfitnesspal:
1,029 Calories
147 Carbs
24 Fat
66 Protein

At the bottom of the counter on myfitnesspal it always says:
*Based on your total calories consumed for today, you are eating too few calories. Not only is it difficult to receive adequate nutrition at these calorie levels, but you could also be putting your body into starvation mode. Starvation mode lowers your metabolism and makes weight loss more difficult. We suggest increasing your calorie consumption to 1,200 calories per day minimum.

It's really frustrating, especially since I am actually *trying*. 

New Years

My oh My... It has been 2 years since I have posted.  In that 2 years I have gotten married to my Sweetheart, Tyler.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I'm the full-time mom of 9 glorious children who stress me out and make me laugh, I got a new cat named Cotton and a new dog I named Dragon.  I've had 3 Halloweens, 3 Thanksgivings and 3 Christmas's with my family and 1 wedding anniversary. I'm looking forward to many, many more.

New Years ... always a time for resolutions, always a time for new beginnings.  I suppose this year is no different. My resolutions this year are the same as all years, lose weight, spend less money, be a better mom, a better wife and a better daughter of God.

I met with a nutritionist yesterday at the St. Marks weight management place.  We talked about all kinds of things, but mostly about what I am eating and what I am not eating.  She gave me a list of "goals", i.e. give up the Dr. Pepper (omg, I've given it up so many times ... evil, evil crutch of mine!), eat at least 3 times a day, drink lots of water (ew).  So, that's where I am starting.  I have logged onto myfitnesspal.com and my user name is TylersEmerald if you want to hook up on there.  I'm not really sure how it works, I just get on to log my food. 

My biggest problem so far is that I sincerely hate eating.  There are very few meals that I truly enjoy eating.  Mostly when I eat it's because I have no other choice because I'm faint, shaky and feeling sick.  If I try to force myself to eat, like lunch yesterday or breakfast today, I gag because my body just doesn't want it.  I am just not hungry, at all.  The nutritionist yesterday said that I need to train my body to want the food, to recognize that I am feeding it so that it can start my metabolism and start releasing some of the fat.  She also said that it's possible that my body is notifying me that I am hungry but that I have either learned to ignore or I'm just not noticing the cues until I am in a desperate situation.  Either way, she said it was possible to overcome. 

I sincerely doubt my ability to lose weight.  Lightest I have been in the last 10 years is 200lbs and that was 3ish years ago. Yesterday when she weighed me, I weighed 262.4. I doubt I could even fit into my wedding dress again. 

Man, I wish I were thin.

I don't want my thighs to touch anymore.  I almost don't care how fat my butt is as long as my thighs don't touch.  That's ALL I want  ... Oh, and I don't want my arms to flab down ... Looks like I have a huge bicep where a tricep should be ... It's really pathetic.

I want a Dr. Pepper.  I manage the cravings for the DP one of two ways ... I either go get one, or I drink orange juice.  It's not the caffeine that gets me, it's the sugar.  Oh how I love sugar.

So, here I am, all 262lbs of me.  I don't have a goal right now except to make it through dinner.  When I make it through dinner, my goal is going to be to make it through breakfast (which is the hardest meal for me to eat). 

So I went back and looked at my old posts, one titled "Progress" specifically.  Here I'll quote what I said:
"Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)"

This is still a challenge for me.  I've got to get my head around it.  I'm 20lbs heavier now than I was then.  I haven't had the stomach problems for some time now, so that will help significantly as well.  I am not doing weight watchers anymore.  It because problematic financially and I couldn't empathize with those people and they couldn't empathize with me.  They were all struggling to eat UNDER their points where I struggled everyday to eat UP TO my points.  :/   It was just hard.  But here I am.  It's a new year, I have a much better support system then I've had before... I have a long ways to go, but I've got to do it.  I want to be thin, I want to be sexy, I want to not hate what I look at in the mirror everyday.

Crossroads

At this time in my life I feel heavily at a crossroads. The map which I had used to navigate through my life lead me to a dead-end. I have spent the last two years, since my divorce from William wandering aimlessly about my own life. I would find brief respites of light and warmth but mostly I floundered helplessly in the dark.

I had 3 small Sparks of life who kept me moving my feet; opening my eyes despite the suffocating darkness; kept my heart beating within my chest with the beauty of their faces, their laughter & their "I Love You Mom!"

In my vast ignorance despite Divine knowledge I stepped from the good graces of my Savior. This deviation has left my Spirit cold, hungry & tired... She must be fed or I fear soon I'll be lost with no hope of direction.

July/August 2010. I came to accept that William was never going to come home. That even if he DID come home, I didn't really want him to. He moved on, and moved in with a girl he met at his bus driving job. It took me a long time, but when that door shut, it was shut. The light had left my eyes, I had lost direction. But with the closing of that big, archaic door, the Lord opened a huge, refreshing window that quietly dusted out some of my cobwebs and provided me new air to breathe.

Late August... the light started to come back to my eyes; the Sun seemed on the brink of the horizon. Through my darkened vision danced a new, beautiful hot pink Spark named "WaWa". This spunky little Spark had a twin brother who equally pleased the vision of my heart & soul. Not long after these two Sparks joined the three I had they brought a sweet, third amber colored Spark w/ them.

Still in virtual darkness with a very dim hope the sun would ever actually rise, I enjoyed the light, the warmth, the laughter & the love of my 6 little Sparks. I even loved their source without ever realizing it.

My Sun was so near the horizon ...

In a hand-off at the pool w/ Kevin, Autumn & Aurora's dad, I finally met him. He was sitting alone in the corner in the shade. I sat down and visited with him briefly during which he was obviously contemplating climbing over the fence to leave the pool area and get away from me.

Behind those sunglasses, behind the introversion & the shy smile lay the Sun that rose in my heart and flooded my soul with joy.

MY SUN HAD RISEN!!

The darkness still loomed, cold and afraid but the new dawn and given me enough strength to find my way. The new Sun & my happy little Sparks giving me the courage to move ever closer to the Sunrise & the peace I needed, & desperately longed for.

Each step I took, closing the gap, served to unthaw my world. My six little Sparks became 9 & grew increasingly brighter... My beautiful Sparks!

Finding my way into Tyler's arms was a process of months. A sun does not rise all at once. Tyler is so shy & socially backwards & was as much in need of me as I was of him.

I am in love with Tyler. This realization, the exposure of my whole self to my now fully risen Sun is frightening beyond words.

My previous map, "The road to happiness" lead me only to darkness, pain & despair.

So, here I stand at a proverbial crossroads clinging to the signpost. I know which way I should go, it is achingly obvious whenever I'm in his arms. But I fear so richly that my map is wrong yet again, that North is really East and that I'll end up back in the dense fog of love lost.

Tyler, my Sun, his kids, 6 of my little Sparks are WORTH the risk. It is a challenge being together - but it is one I want to face. I will climb whatever obstacle is necessary. Right now though, I am prying my hands free of the signpost.

My Sweet Tyler, everything I ever could have dreamed of. He is patient, kind, loving, attentive, honorable, loyal, a WONDERFUL dad, honest. He is SO like me & so very different. He struggles with his faith in some of the same area's that I do, but strengthens me at the same time. He dreams dreams so very like mine - barefoot, flannel blanket, fire, snow & quiet. He, however, is logical & analytical where I am emotional. We are a perfect match. He is handsome, and has the most beautiful eyes. His hands are brilliant to watch. His smile is mesmerizing. 

I do worry though. I worry he won't be capable of, or willing to love me the way I need to be loved. He has been labeled by his ex-wife, to the point of belief, "selfish". I was married to Selfish for 8 years & spent two additional years trying to chase it down. I don't want to do it again, ever. I think there is a happy medium somewhere that we can meet at - I just hope I don't lose myself into the depths of this relationship. Even too much Sun can hurt.

I know what I need... I need someone who cares more for me than himself. Who wants to make my life easier. Who is thankful to have me in his life. Who wants to see that my needs are met before his own. I'm sure there are more...

FUNNIES:

Bumper sticker: "Curiosity didn't kill your cat, my car did!"

Text from Tyler: "I'm nauseous." Me: "Call the Dr!" Tyler: "He said I should stop jumping on the bed."

THANKFULS:

1. Obviously, Tyler. His tender kisses that melt into my lips & into my heart.

2. Silk (my cat)

3. Good pens with blue ink.

4. That Summer did not ask me to take her for food today.

5. Tylers car, for him allowing me to use it. It makes me life so much easier.

6. That Tyler doesn't get angry about money. That he trusts me.

7. Master Jones (the kids karate instructor)

Am I in love?

My world has just changed.

It's been an emotionally stressful weekend dealing with everything. I feel healed and I feel lost at the same time ... but now what have I done to myself?

My friend Tyler has been such a great support to me this week. He's such a good listener and understands so much of the pain that I feel. It's nice having someone I can talk to.

Sitting in church today was so difficult. After Sacrament meeting I went out and sat in my car, and cried. I texted Tyler, who called me so we could talk. He asked me what was wrong, I hem-hawed about it but finally said words I didn't think I ever would ... or should. "I am confused. I am starting to have feelings for you." Umm, what now?! He wasn't surprised. He more or less said he had them too. We were both a little blown away by it. He told me he was basically waiting for me to say it... chicken.

I could not have chosen a better person to fall for but, one glitch ... a major one. He's married. ERK! He's been separated from his wife for a year now, hasn't actually seen or spoken to her in about that same amount of time. He filed for divorce within days of moving out of their home, so it's not like he's "married" to her really. I know, I know, justifications.

A few weeks back I went to help him straighten up his apartment, unpack some boxes that needed to be unpacked for a year of him living there. Just hanging out as friends. He was in kneeling on the floor with his drill trying to fix his kitchen table and I walked over to the counter and just said to myself while listing things I needed to finish, "Oh, I need some tape."  I turned to finish something else up and within moments I had tape in my hand. He had heard me say I needed tape, stopped what he was doing and went and got me tape, without being asked. I think I knew right then that this was a very special man, and that my feelings for him were more than I had been letting on that they were. It seems so silly, he just got me the tape, ya know? But he did it without me asking, or having to beg, or having to do it myself or just accepting that it would never get done. He put what I was doing as equal to, or above what he was doing. It was amazing. He's so thoughtful like that, and kind. At about 2am, when we got sick of working, we sat down on his couch and just started talking. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird. It was just natural. It just flowed seamlessly. We talked about everything and about nothing all at the same time. At about 8am I finally went home. We'd spent all those hours talking, it was amazing. He told me that he spoke more to me that night than he had to his wife in the last year of their marriage. I sort of felt the same way about William. I mean, we spoke, but at the same time, we didn't. We had two topics, 1. The kids 2. His work. That was it. But Tyler and I spoke endlessly about music, books, kids, marriages, life, religion. It was just amazing.

A couple of weeks after that I was going to go down to a "Dive Experience" at a scuba shop where a friend of mine works. Since I'm scuba certified but haven't been in the water at all since I was pregnant with Kydrun, I thought it would be fun to go refresh my memory. I asked Tyler if he'd like to go with me. I knew, from our many conversations that he is a very introverted homebody. I didn't expect him to go with me, but he surprised me and went! I was excited that he decided to get out, get away and do something totally new to him. It was a lot of fun, except I lost my contacts in the pool! OOPS! We decided to go to an IHOP for dinner afterward but couldn't find one open, so we ended up at a Village Inn.

It's just so nice to spend time with him. He's so easy to be around. So easy to talk to, and oh my goodness, he's FUNNY! He doesn't think he's funny, and he's rarely ever actually trying to be funny, but man does he ever make me laugh! It's so nice to be around someone like him. He's just so ... amazing.

I sort of think I've known. I know William has known. He's been telling me for a long time that I am in love with him (meaning Tyler, not meaning himself). When he saw Tyler at Kydrun's birthday party he said "He loves you, too." Jean even said he was in love with me, she could tell by the way he watched me and looked at me. I think he was just looking at me like I'm a psycho firecracker he's afraid of ... But maybe that's just me.

Well, it seems they were both right. I think I DO love him. I think I have opened my heart to him. I think I do want to see where this goes despite my extreme fear of where it will go. Then again, I think I already know where it's going to go in the long run.

Am I in love?

I'll get through this, too.

I just had the wind knocked out of me.

Got onto facebook to find a changed relationship status for William to 'Engaged'.

I'm not sure why this has struck me so deeply, so thoroughly and so painfully.

Yes I am.

He has told me for the last 2 years "I'm never getting married again." He decided that marriage wasn't worth the hassle. "I'm not the marrying type." He didn't want the commitment. Over and over he told me part of why we got divorced, why he strayed was because he was just not meant to be married... And now he's engaged.

Two days ago, I asked him if he was going to marry this girl. He said no.

Why do I care so much?! This is ridiculous. We've been divorced for 2 years, our marriage was over for MOST of the marriage!

Why does he get to fall in love, be happy & have a happy ending when he stole so much from me, destroyed so much of me?! I tried to be a good wife, to keep him happy. I know I sucked, I know I failed ... But I tried. Instead of being honorable, faithful, ... he just decided to leave the marriage. To go bed down with another woman. I even got an std from him. Thankfully it was a curable one!!

Here I sit. Alone. Single. Sad. & three kids.

It isn't fair. None of this has been fair. HE should be the one sad. He should be the one alone. He should be the one who aches inside for all he lost. But he doesn't. He never has. He crushed me and never looked back. Now he's moving on with someone else.

I didn't know what to do. I broke down and sobbed. I called my friend Tyler & he came over & sat with me, put his arm around me & let me cry. He's so strong, still and quiet. He brought me twinkies and a pineapple, two of my comfort foods. He is so sweet.

I'll get through this. I got through, "I don't love you anymore & there is somebody else." I got through the many confessions of infidelity. I got through the coming home and then the "I want a divorce". I got through spending Christmas Eve's alone so he could be with his girlfriends. I got through divorcing and losing my best friend & my extended family. I can get through this.

I cannot believe he didn't give me, OR the kids a heads up... he told facebook before he even told his own kids.

Therapy

My New Therapist Link

I think it's time I get a therapist. I think this guy would do me some good...