Frustration

This is not a weight related post. This just a "I need an outlet" post.

A couple of weeks ago our oldest daughter (she's 15) lost her phone privileges & we took her cell phone.  We found on her phone conversations with her mother (she's my step daughter) where her mother was participating in what the therapists call "Parental Poisoning".  What this consisted of were message upon message where she called my husband a liar, said that we are bad people, went so far as to say "Tell them Kim is not a member of the family either, she's just a crazy abusive bitch" and so on and so forth.  She tried to set up a time when she could "accidentally" run into our daughter at the mall outside of the court ordered supervision she is required to have.  She said "I'll break every law in the world for you baby girl" to which our daughter had to be the adult & said "No, don't break the law".  For anyone who has read the conversations my Sweetheart's ex sounds like an angry sibling to our daughter, not her mother.  We submitted the conversations to the Special Master (A Special Master, in law, is an authority appointed by a judge to make sure that judicial orders are actually followed. In our case, the divorce decree) who found them as starkly disturbing as we did & suspended all of the ex's visitation until she completes a certain set of requirements.  She has lost all of her ability to see/talk to/communicate with the kids at all. 

Today DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) called my husband with a list of accusations such as: We discipline the kids by shooting them with a bb gun, we make them go a week without eating as a form of discipline, we only feed them peanut butter & jelly, my husband has put our 13 year old son in a head lock, that one of our daughters was sexually abused & nothing was done about it, that we make them do chores ... I am so stressed, so frustrated.  I know this is her lashing out, I know it's just her way of saying "If I can't see the kids, I'm going to do what I can to make it so you can't either" ... But I do not understand how she feels THIS is in the kids best interests?!  How can she feel that having them yanked out of class to go be asked all of these intimidating questions by DCFS, not knowing if they're going to say the wrong thing, is good for the kids?  I get that she's angry, or whatever ... But all she is doing is hurting the kids!!  What if, God forbid, DCFS decides these ridiculous allegations are true ... they'll take the kids! But they won't go to their mother, they'll go into STATE CUSTODY!! They'll all get separated, sent to different places & then we'll have to fight the state to get them back. We think that she believes she'll get them away from us, which she won't ... and it's scary to consider what could possibly happen to them!! 

I just wish she would pay attention, I wish she would realize that the choices SHE is making is what is creating all of this chaos in her children's lives!!  I wish she would grow up, stop acting like a teenager & take responsibility for her actions. 

I am just so frustrated. :(

Onward & Downward

Well, we did it!  My Sweetheart, 2 of our sons and one of our daughters (not the one I thought it'd be though) exercised tonight for 15 minutes.  Turns out my Sweetheart and I are not just fat ... we're grossly out of shape and our kids ran circles around us.  Go fig.  I ended up doing a lot of marching in place with big arms to keep my heart rate up, but I'm proud of myself for even the smallest of efforts tonight because it's the first step for me and that's huge.  I told the kids "Tomorrow night?" and they all cheered.  So, I guess we exercise if for no other reason than to keep the kids happy! 

I weighed myself today.  It's the first time since the nutritionists office.  If my scale is correct, which it has been pretty accurate thus far, I have officially lost 12lbs to date.  I'm sure most if it is water weight since I've given up the soda (mostly), and changed my eating habits.  I'm looking forward to that number continuing to go down. 

To send out virtual kudo's to someone who probably doesn't read this (which is totally okay), my ex-wife (let me explain: She is actually my ex's new wife, so I call her my ex-wife... get it?) has lost in the last 10ish days 17lbs.  She's amazing, truly.  She used to be quite heavy & through nothing but her own will power (hahaha, Will power ...) she was able to lose hundreds of pounds.  She's fabulous & shapely just like a woman should be.  I admire her self-motivation (I certainly wish I had a teaspoon of it!).  

So onward & upward... or rather onward & downward we shall go!

Fail

 Oh I HATE MORNINGS!!  I don't sleep well, I have sleep apnea & fibromyalgia and both have a tendency to screw w/ my ability to have a restful night.  Needless to say, I'm already DNA deep not a morning person, but add on a bad nights sleep & it just gets worse.  Thankfully, in addition to the FM & apnea, I also have bipolar, so once in awhile I get to where I can't sleep even though I really, really want to.  Not in one of those fantastic spells right now though, so sleep I must.

Because of my over-need of sleep & my basic DNA make up that says mornings are of the devil I didn't get up this morning and exercise.  No excuses really ... I just really, really didn't want to get up.  My Sweetheart did try to wake me, but I just couldn't wake up enough to move (and I secretly think he didn't want to do it either so he didn't push it too much).  However, two of my sons and now one of my daughters wants to get up and exercise with us in the morning so I suppose I need to get my lazy sleep-deprived backside to bed.  Goodnight.

Let's all do better tomorrow.

Here Goes!

Starting at 6:30a Monday morning 1/14/2013 my Sweetheart & I are going to start exercising together.  We've invited two of our sons to exercise along, but mostly because we'll be exercising right above their bedroom.  Here's what we're going to do:

I figure with as sedentary as I have been for the last ... oh ... forever ... That I'd better start small.  I'm so thankful that my Sweetheart is so willing to do it with me, so I do not have to try to motivate myself, so I do not have to do it all alone.  I'm also going to *try* to do a walk everyday but with the temperatures dropping to below zero when it's dark I'm thinking FORGET IT! I'll walk when it's warm outside.  So, here goes!!!

My brand of Heroin

 Oh my goodness!  Today has been AWFUL! Well, that's not entirely true.  I had a fantastic sleep in w/ my Sweetheart & had a so-so breakfast (Kashi Go Lean tastes a little like sawdust in milk) & then 3 edifying hours at church. After church we had slow cooker pork chops w/ mashed taters & green beans (I skipped the taters of course) ...

But then the SNACKIES hit! Holy cow!! I was craving sweets, sugar, ANYTHING. I ate an apple... didn't help.  I treated myself to 4 chocolate truffles (210 calories for just 4 of them!!).  My Sweetheart brought me a brownie and a scoop of ice cream from the fireside he attended w/ the kids and now I'm eating a fruit smoothy w/ protein (which is disgusting by the way, I'm gagging it down).  What is my problem?!


I read something the other day:

Dr. Mark Hyman confirmed the addicting nature of sugar in a 2011 Huffington Post article.
"The science demonstrating that people can be biologically addicted to sugar in the same way we can be addicted to heroin, cocaine or nicotine is clear. ... In fact, most recovering alcoholics often switch to another easily available drug: sugar," Hyman wrote.
 

 Heroin or cocaine ... how true.  Several years ago, due to a severe lack in judgement on my part (not to mention completely ignoring the Spirit) I ended up in jail for 4 days. It's a pathetic & humiliating memory.  Anyway, while I was in there there were several women who were having withdrawals from heroin. Their withdrawals were so bad. They screamed, cursed, banged their heads on their windows... It was awful & painful to listen to.  Today while withdrawing from the sugar it was my only focus. It was all I wanted.  If I didn't know how my son would react to it ("But Mom! You said you weren't going to drink DP anymore! *sad face*") I would totally have gotten into that Dr. Pepper that one of the kids put into the fridge.  If it weren't for the fact that one of my daughters said I wouldn't make it a week on this diet, I would totally have eaten the entire bag of truffles. 

I fear I'll never be able to get it out of my system. I fear the sugar will always have control over me.  I fear I'll end up hunched up in a corner w/ one fist full of chocolate cake and the other w/ a Dr. Pepper.  It's a scary ugly picture. 


 I am a sugar-addict.

Desperation

Do desperate times really call for desperate measures? I believe I am the poster child for this particular question of the universe. How desperate am I to lose weight? Not desperate to exercise, yet. BUT, I found this online:

WEIGHT LOSS:

Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast and on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. When taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Cool!! So if I drink honey and cinnamon powder I can lose weight WITHOUT effort?! So I googled it. I found another site that said the same thing, only gave the recipe:

Cinnamon and Honey formula for weight loss:

This should be prepared at night before going to bed.

1. Use 1 part cinnamon to 2 parts raw honey. 1/2 tsp cinnamon to 1 tsp honey is recommended but can use more or less as long as in the ratio of 1 to 2. --- so 1 tsp cinnamon to 2 tsp raw honey is ok too as an example.

2. Boil 1 cup...that is 8 oz of water.

3. Pour water over cinnamon and cover and let it steep for 1/2 hour..(30 minutes)

4. Add honey now that it has cooled. Never add honey when it is hot as the heat will destroy the enzymes and other nutrients in the raw honey.

5. Drink 1/2 of this directly before going to bed. The other 1/2 should be covered and refrigerated.

6. In the morning drink the other half that you refirgerated...but do not re-heat it...drink it cold or at room temp only.

Do not add anything else to this recipe. No lemon, no lime, no vinegar. It is not necessary to drink it more time in a day...it is only effective on an empty stomach and primarily at night.

This works for most people. Inches are lost before any measurement on the scales. This program will cause significant inches lost...but you will reach a plateau and may not lose anymore. This is because the cinnamon and honey cause a cleansing effect in the digestive tract and cleans out parasites and other fungus and bacteria that slow down the digestion...causing a toxic build up. (Lowers pH) Once this is all cleaned out then you will most likely have the weight loss slow down.

Other side effects from a cleansing can occur because of toxins being released...if this occurs, cut back on how much you use or take a break.

Additionally people report increased energy, more sex drive, and feeling happier/mood enhancer.

COOL! How hard can this be?! So I tried it. Except I didn't read the directions BEFORE I went into the kitchen to prepare. All I could remember of the recipe was 2 to 1, and a t ... so therefore, it MUST have said 1 TBSP of Cinnamon to 2 TBSP of Honey ... Right?! WRONG!! OMG! I decided I'd doubled it, so I dumped half into another cup to water it down. Good enough? NO! It wasn't until I gagged down 8oz of cinnamon & honey that I came in and REchecked the recipe. I'd like quadrupled it. HAHAHAHA, that's not a mistake I'll make again. While I was gagging it down my 13yo daughter asked "Why are you drinking it if it's so disgusting?" My answer: "Desperation!"

Temptation

Couple of different things happened today:

I was browsing my "Recipes" folder on Pintrest in hopes of finding something to feed the kids tomorrow night that I might also be able to enjoy.  I found a huge, huge amount of sugary recipes that looked mouthwateringly delicious.  I scrolled slowly through them going "Ohhh, that looks so good" "Oh I want that!" even though I wasn't feeling hungry.  It was all just so yummy looking!  I decided Pintrest is not my diet friend.  In Pintrests defense however I did find several recipes I pinned that were for healthy breakfasts like pancakes made out of banana's, eggs & almond milk, or butter, I can't remember.  It'll be nice to have those when I get sick of the egg whites.  I am slightly tempted to delete all of the unhealthy recipes but I am not sure I could bring myself to do it.

Something else I did today was buy a Dr. Pepper.  I was out shopping for snow clothes for my teenagers and oh my heck they were stressing me out!!  While we were checking out I went to one of those coolers by the cashiers, grabbed a DP and bought it against my Sweethearts encouragement that I didn't really want it.  YES I DID! GRRRRRRR!!!  By the time we got to the van I had settled down slightly & decided that I was not going to drink it unless I was close to homicide.  Despite having to go to 3 more stores to find the snow clothes & the kids driving me crazy, I never opened it.  I brought it in the house and set it on the counter.  I didn't put it in the fridge because then it would be cold when I had a craving or a temper tantrum ... This way I won't be tempted to drink that particular one unless it's cold, which will give me time to figure something else out. 

I found this little ecard on Pintrest in my Exercise/Motivation board.  Sure wish I could actually feel this way.  All I can think is "I WANT TO BE SKINNY!!!"  I want to buy cute clothes, I want to be able to wear a pair of super cute boots, which I currently can't because my calves are so gigantic.  I want to not have a double chin that my dog LOVES to nip at.  I want to be thinner than my husband.

I wish I could feel like I am awesome despite the size of my waist or butt.

I *DO* have a strong and capable body and a loving and passionate soul.  I believe all of these things, but even as I look at this picture of this beautiful woman I think to myself "I wish I looked that good".

I am going to be brave tonight.  I am going to go to the store & buy a measuring tape, have my Sweetheart take my measurements and take "before" pictures.  I may not post them, but I might.  I am not sure I could handle actually posting them.  I appreciate & look up to women who can/do.  I just am not sure I am that brave.  I am so self conscious all of the time and putting all of me out there would be so difficult.  So I'll give it some thought, some time.