So when I am angry I eat. When I am stressed I craved sugar, or my "alcohol", Dr. Pepper. Today, my kids are stressing me out equally as bad as they are pissing me off. So, to get back at them ... Because I'm smart like this, I drove down to the store, bought not one, but SIX donuts and a 20oz Dr. Pepper.
I haven't eaten yet today, it's 5:15pm. I didn't eat yesterday that I can recall except 4 pieces of pizza for dinner.
Clearly I am not thinking. After one and a half donuts and 10oz of my 20oz Dr. Pepper my stomach is turning. Serves me right.
I just can't quite get my head in the right place lately. Nothing is working right. I am just not happy. I don't want to diet anymore because it doesn't matter. Why should I? I'm always going to be fat, I am always going to hate my body, I am always going to be unhappy ... So why try?
And whoever said that "alcohol" and donuts makes everything better lied.
Oh, and I bought my little Dragon a pepperoni meat stick thingy too because a 7lb dog needs to binge eat too.
Why am I in such a bad place?
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
Truth
The Truth is... very difficult to say out loud. I fear judgement & ridicule.
Here's what I am willing to say right now; I am afraid of success with this lifestyle change. I am afraid that I will find "one-derland" only for the weight to creep back on. I am afraid to lose the weight because of all of my excess skin that has stretched out to accommodate the fat. I am afraid that if I am successful and I do lose the weight that I will still find myself repugnant and repulsive. I am afraid that I will lose the weight and my husband will no longer find me attractive. He told me once (and I am sure I'll be in trouble for saying this on the internet), that he likes my large round bottom. He likes that there is something to hold onto. I am afraid that if I lose the weight he won't want to anymore. I am afraid that I will never actually find success on this lifestyle change no matter how hard I try. I am afraid that I will never find the strength mentally, or physically (especially physically) to be able to exercise without pain (and not the good kind of pain). I secretly feel like I am in a competition with my ex-husbands wife because she is so incredibly motivated and so hugely successful and I feel like such a failure & I don't want her to think I am just the fat, lazy person who her husband left. I feel like I am in competition with my husbands ex-wife because I want to be prettier, thinner, better than her (which at this point given her behavior I am afraid is not difficult to do). I am trying to get my head around a lifestyle change to lose weight that doesn't include pregnancy. I lost so much weight when I was pregnant it was easy. After my 1st pregnancy I got into a size 12 dress. I was as thin as I was in high school. I am afraid that this will take more of me than there is to give. I am afraid that if I do finally get to where I want to be that I will still never look like I want to. I'm afraid to admit that I am the one that did this but that I am unable to undo it.
The truth is that I am morbidly obese. I have tried everything I could think of to lose the weight. I've joined gym's, had personal trainers, tried protein shakes, slim fast, no fat, veggie, only fruit, only grapefruit diets, I've tried a diet that consisted of eating only rice. I've tried HCG. I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Curves. I've tried Hoodia, Ali, Phen/Fen, the over the counter version of phen/fen that started with an S I can't for the life of me remember. I've tried books. I've tried working out with my sister, having her give me a work out regiment that I followed but never lost. I've tried biking, walking, swimming, working out at the gym at the apartments where I lived. I've tried video's, Wii fit, walking my kids to school and home. I've tried biking to the grocery store. I've tried infomercial promises like 6 week body make over. I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to lose this weight. Only for the scale to fall slightly and then creep higher.
The truth is ... I'm not ready to tell the entire truth out loud yet.
Here's what I am willing to say right now; I am afraid of success with this lifestyle change. I am afraid that I will find "one-derland" only for the weight to creep back on. I am afraid to lose the weight because of all of my excess skin that has stretched out to accommodate the fat. I am afraid that if I am successful and I do lose the weight that I will still find myself repugnant and repulsive. I am afraid that I will lose the weight and my husband will no longer find me attractive. He told me once (and I am sure I'll be in trouble for saying this on the internet), that he likes my large round bottom. He likes that there is something to hold onto. I am afraid that if I lose the weight he won't want to anymore. I am afraid that I will never actually find success on this lifestyle change no matter how hard I try. I am afraid that I will never find the strength mentally, or physically (especially physically) to be able to exercise without pain (and not the good kind of pain). I secretly feel like I am in a competition with my ex-husbands wife because she is so incredibly motivated and so hugely successful and I feel like such a failure & I don't want her to think I am just the fat, lazy person who her husband left. I feel like I am in competition with my husbands ex-wife because I want to be prettier, thinner, better than her (which at this point given her behavior I am afraid is not difficult to do). I am trying to get my head around a lifestyle change to lose weight that doesn't include pregnancy. I lost so much weight when I was pregnant it was easy. After my 1st pregnancy I got into a size 12 dress. I was as thin as I was in high school. I am afraid that this will take more of me than there is to give. I am afraid that if I do finally get to where I want to be that I will still never look like I want to. I'm afraid to admit that I am the one that did this but that I am unable to undo it.
The truth is that I am morbidly obese. I have tried everything I could think of to lose the weight. I've joined gym's, had personal trainers, tried protein shakes, slim fast, no fat, veggie, only fruit, only grapefruit diets, I've tried a diet that consisted of eating only rice. I've tried HCG. I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Curves. I've tried Hoodia, Ali, Phen/Fen, the over the counter version of phen/fen that started with an S I can't for the life of me remember. I've tried books. I've tried working out with my sister, having her give me a work out regiment that I followed but never lost. I've tried biking, walking, swimming, working out at the gym at the apartments where I lived. I've tried video's, Wii fit, walking my kids to school and home. I've tried biking to the grocery store. I've tried infomercial promises like 6 week body make over. I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to lose this weight. Only for the scale to fall slightly and then creep higher.
The truth is ... I'm not ready to tell the entire truth out loud yet.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Incoherent
I seriously have a frozen brain tonight. I'm probably too tired. Either way, I'm not sure I can formulate any coherent thoughts (especially since I had to sit here for a minute to even remember the word coherent and I've spelled it wrong both times I've tried to type it). So, I'm out for tonight and I'll ramble on about nothing tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Diving
It was an intentional jump. I had been considering it since yesterday; I considered my options, my reasoning, the possible outcomes; the pro's and con's. I seriously gave this a lot of thought & made an informed choice. The difference this time on my dive is that I feel like I can swim. I feel positive, I feel committed. All throughout my life I have been unable/unwilling to make a change on any day but a Monday. I truly had a hang up that prevented me from letting go and allowing myself to start over on a Wednesday or Friday ... it always had to be on Monday. So if I gave up Dr. Pepper on Monday, screwed up on Thursday, it was hopeless and there was no use trying at all until Monday again. Monday'd roll around and I'd recommit. It was the same with big, major life changes. Those I could only do at the beginning of the year. I've been considering this lifestyle change of mine (I don't want to call it a diet, because I don't really think that's what this is, I'm not on any plan ... I'm just trying to eat right) for a couple of months, been thinking on it, planning it, sort of mentally preparing for it ... but I just couldn't start, not until the first of the year. But somehow this time is different. I didn't start any of this on January 1st, I actually think I started on the 9th, which also wasn't a Monday ... it was a Wednesday. Also, I feel like I took my proverbial (and slightly literal) leap into the delicious land of super-highly-fattening carbs and even though tomorrow is Thursday I'm fully prepared to set all of the crap aside & move on to bigger and better things. It feels different, it feels good to be committed to a change in lifestyle. I feel better about me. So for today:
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Frustration
This is not a weight related post. This just a "I need an outlet" post.
A couple of weeks ago our oldest daughter (she's 15) lost her phone privileges & we took her cell phone. We found on her phone conversations with her mother (she's my step daughter) where her mother was participating in what the therapists call "Parental Poisoning". What this consisted of were message upon message where she called my husband a liar, said that we are bad people, went so far as to say "Tell them Kim is not a member of the family either, she's just a crazy abusive bitch" and so on and so forth. She tried to set up a time when she could "accidentally" run into our daughter at the mall outside of the court ordered supervision she is required to have. She said "I'll break every law in the world for you baby girl" to which our daughter had to be the adult & said "No, don't break the law". For anyone who has read the conversations my Sweetheart's ex sounds like an angry sibling to our daughter, not her mother. We submitted the conversations to the Special Master (A Special Master, in law, is an authority appointed by a judge to make sure that judicial orders are actually followed. In our case, the divorce decree) who found them as starkly disturbing as we did & suspended all of the ex's visitation until she completes a certain set of requirements. She has lost all of her ability to see/talk to/communicate with the kids at all.
Today DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) called my husband with a list of accusations such as: We discipline the kids by shooting them with a bb gun, we make them go a week without eating as a form of discipline, we only feed them peanut butter & jelly, my husband has put our 13 year old son in a head lock, that one of our daughters was sexually abused & nothing was done about it, that we make them do chores ... I am so stressed, so frustrated. I know this is her lashing out, I know it's just her way of saying "If I can't see the kids, I'm going to do what I can to make it so you can't either" ... But I do not understand how she feels THIS is in the kids best interests?! How can she feel that having them yanked out of class to go be asked all of these intimidating questions by DCFS, not knowing if they're going to say the wrong thing, is good for the kids? I get that she's angry, or whatever ... But all she is doing is hurting the kids!! What if, God forbid, DCFS decides these ridiculous allegations are true ... they'll take the kids! But they won't go to their mother, they'll go into STATE CUSTODY!! They'll all get separated, sent to different places & then we'll have to fight the state to get them back. We think that she believes she'll get them away from us, which she won't ... and it's scary to consider what could possibly happen to them!!
I just wish she would pay attention, I wish she would realize that the choices SHE is making is what is creating all of this chaos in her children's lives!! I wish she would grow up, stop acting like a teenager & take responsibility for her actions.
I am just so frustrated. :(
A couple of weeks ago our oldest daughter (she's 15) lost her phone privileges & we took her cell phone. We found on her phone conversations with her mother (she's my step daughter) where her mother was participating in what the therapists call "Parental Poisoning". What this consisted of were message upon message where she called my husband a liar, said that we are bad people, went so far as to say "Tell them Kim is not a member of the family either, she's just a crazy abusive bitch" and so on and so forth. She tried to set up a time when she could "accidentally" run into our daughter at the mall outside of the court ordered supervision she is required to have. She said "I'll break every law in the world for you baby girl" to which our daughter had to be the adult & said "No, don't break the law". For anyone who has read the conversations my Sweetheart's ex sounds like an angry sibling to our daughter, not her mother. We submitted the conversations to the Special Master (A Special Master, in law, is an authority appointed by a judge to make sure that judicial orders are actually followed. In our case, the divorce decree) who found them as starkly disturbing as we did & suspended all of the ex's visitation until she completes a certain set of requirements. She has lost all of her ability to see/talk to/communicate with the kids at all.
Today DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) called my husband with a list of accusations such as: We discipline the kids by shooting them with a bb gun, we make them go a week without eating as a form of discipline, we only feed them peanut butter & jelly, my husband has put our 13 year old son in a head lock, that one of our daughters was sexually abused & nothing was done about it, that we make them do chores ... I am so stressed, so frustrated. I know this is her lashing out, I know it's just her way of saying "If I can't see the kids, I'm going to do what I can to make it so you can't either" ... But I do not understand how she feels THIS is in the kids best interests?! How can she feel that having them yanked out of class to go be asked all of these intimidating questions by DCFS, not knowing if they're going to say the wrong thing, is good for the kids? I get that she's angry, or whatever ... But all she is doing is hurting the kids!! What if, God forbid, DCFS decides these ridiculous allegations are true ... they'll take the kids! But they won't go to their mother, they'll go into STATE CUSTODY!! They'll all get separated, sent to different places & then we'll have to fight the state to get them back. We think that she believes she'll get them away from us, which she won't ... and it's scary to consider what could possibly happen to them!!
I just wish she would pay attention, I wish she would realize that the choices SHE is making is what is creating all of this chaos in her children's lives!! I wish she would grow up, stop acting like a teenager & take responsibility for her actions.
I am just so frustrated. :(
Onward & Downward
Well, we did it! My Sweetheart, 2 of our sons and one of our daughters (not the one I thought it'd be though) exercised tonight for 15 minutes. Turns out my Sweetheart and I are not just fat ... we're grossly out of shape and our kids ran circles around us. Go fig. I ended up doing a lot of marching in place with big arms to keep my heart rate up, but I'm proud of myself for even the smallest of efforts tonight because it's the first step for me and that's huge. I told the kids "Tomorrow night?" and they all cheered. So, I guess we exercise if for no other reason than to keep the kids happy!
I weighed myself today. It's the first time since the nutritionists office. If my scale is correct, which it has been pretty accurate thus far, I have officially lost 12lbs to date. I'm sure most if it is water weight since I've given up the soda (mostly), and changed my eating habits. I'm looking forward to that number continuing to go down.
To send out virtual kudo's to someone who probably doesn't read this (which is totally okay), my ex-wife (let me explain: She is actually my ex's new wife, so I call her my ex-wife... get it?) has lost in the last 10ish days 17lbs. She's amazing, truly. She used to be quite heavy & through nothing but her own will power (hahaha, Will power ...) she was able to lose hundreds of pounds. She's fabulous & shapely just like a woman should be. I admire her self-motivation (I certainly wish I had a teaspoon of it!).
So onward & upward... or rather onward & downward we shall go!
I weighed myself today. It's the first time since the nutritionists office. If my scale is correct, which it has been pretty accurate thus far, I have officially lost 12lbs to date. I'm sure most if it is water weight since I've given up the soda (mostly), and changed my eating habits. I'm looking forward to that number continuing to go down.
To send out virtual kudo's to someone who probably doesn't read this (which is totally okay), my ex-wife (let me explain: She is actually my ex's new wife, so I call her my ex-wife... get it?) has lost in the last 10ish days 17lbs. She's amazing, truly. She used to be quite heavy & through nothing but her own will power (hahaha, Will power ...) she was able to lose hundreds of pounds. She's fabulous & shapely just like a woman should be. I admire her self-motivation (I certainly wish I had a teaspoon of it!).
So onward & upward... or rather onward & downward we shall go!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Fail
Oh I HATE MORNINGS!! I don't sleep well, I have sleep apnea & fibromyalgia and both have a tendency to screw w/ my ability to have a restful night. Needless to say, I'm already DNA deep not a morning person, but add on a bad nights sleep & it just gets worse. Thankfully, in addition to the FM & apnea, I also have bipolar, so once in awhile I get to where I can't sleep even though I really, really want to. Not in one of those fantastic spells right now though, so sleep I must.
Because of my over-need of sleep & my basic DNA make up that says mornings are of the devil I didn't get up this morning and exercise. No excuses really ... I just really, really didn't want to get up. My Sweetheart did try to wake me, but I just couldn't wake up enough to move (and I secretly think he didn't want to do it either so he didn't push it too much). However, two of my sons and now one of my daughters wants to get up and exercise with us in the morning so I suppose I need to get my lazy sleep-deprived backside to bed. Goodnight.
Let's all do better tomorrow.
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