Crossroads

At this time in my life I feel heavily at a crossroads. The map which I had used to navigate through my life lead me to a dead-end. I have spent the last two years, since my divorce from William wandering aimlessly about my own life. I would find brief respites of light and warmth but mostly I floundered helplessly in the dark.

I had 3 small Sparks of life who kept me moving my feet; opening my eyes despite the suffocating darkness; kept my heart beating within my chest with the beauty of their faces, their laughter & their "I Love You Mom!"

In my vast ignorance despite Divine knowledge I stepped from the good graces of my Savior. This deviation has left my Spirit cold, hungry & tired... She must be fed or I fear soon I'll be lost with no hope of direction.

July/August 2010. I came to accept that William was never going to come home. That even if he DID come home, I didn't really want him to. He moved on, and moved in with a girl he met at his bus driving job. It took me a long time, but when that door shut, it was shut. The light had left my eyes, I had lost direction. But with the closing of that big, archaic door, the Lord opened a huge, refreshing window that quietly dusted out some of my cobwebs and provided me new air to breathe.

Late August... the light started to come back to my eyes; the Sun seemed on the brink of the horizon. Through my darkened vision danced a new, beautiful hot pink Spark named "WaWa". This spunky little Spark had a twin brother who equally pleased the vision of my heart & soul. Not long after these two Sparks joined the three I had they brought a sweet, third amber colored Spark w/ them.

Still in virtual darkness with a very dim hope the sun would ever actually rise, I enjoyed the light, the warmth, the laughter & the love of my 6 little Sparks. I even loved their source without ever realizing it.

My Sun was so near the horizon ...

In a hand-off at the pool w/ Kevin, Autumn & Aurora's dad, I finally met him. He was sitting alone in the corner in the shade. I sat down and visited with him briefly during which he was obviously contemplating climbing over the fence to leave the pool area and get away from me.

Behind those sunglasses, behind the introversion & the shy smile lay the Sun that rose in my heart and flooded my soul with joy.

MY SUN HAD RISEN!!

The darkness still loomed, cold and afraid but the new dawn and given me enough strength to find my way. The new Sun & my happy little Sparks giving me the courage to move ever closer to the Sunrise & the peace I needed, & desperately longed for.

Each step I took, closing the gap, served to unthaw my world. My six little Sparks became 9 & grew increasingly brighter... My beautiful Sparks!

Finding my way into Tyler's arms was a process of months. A sun does not rise all at once. Tyler is so shy & socially backwards & was as much in need of me as I was of him.

I am in love with Tyler. This realization, the exposure of my whole self to my now fully risen Sun is frightening beyond words.

My previous map, "The road to happiness" lead me only to darkness, pain & despair.

So, here I stand at a proverbial crossroads clinging to the signpost. I know which way I should go, it is achingly obvious whenever I'm in his arms. But I fear so richly that my map is wrong yet again, that North is really East and that I'll end up back in the dense fog of love lost.

Tyler, my Sun, his kids, 6 of my little Sparks are WORTH the risk. It is a challenge being together - but it is one I want to face. I will climb whatever obstacle is necessary. Right now though, I am prying my hands free of the signpost.

My Sweet Tyler, everything I ever could have dreamed of. He is patient, kind, loving, attentive, honorable, loyal, a WONDERFUL dad, honest. He is SO like me & so very different. He struggles with his faith in some of the same area's that I do, but strengthens me at the same time. He dreams dreams so very like mine - barefoot, flannel blanket, fire, snow & quiet. He, however, is logical & analytical where I am emotional. We are a perfect match. He is handsome, and has the most beautiful eyes. His hands are brilliant to watch. His smile is mesmerizing. 

I do worry though. I worry he won't be capable of, or willing to love me the way I need to be loved. He has been labeled by his ex-wife, to the point of belief, "selfish". I was married to Selfish for 8 years & spent two additional years trying to chase it down. I don't want to do it again, ever. I think there is a happy medium somewhere that we can meet at - I just hope I don't lose myself into the depths of this relationship. Even too much Sun can hurt.

I know what I need... I need someone who cares more for me than himself. Who wants to make my life easier. Who is thankful to have me in his life. Who wants to see that my needs are met before his own. I'm sure there are more...

FUNNIES:

Bumper sticker: "Curiosity didn't kill your cat, my car did!"

Text from Tyler: "I'm nauseous." Me: "Call the Dr!" Tyler: "He said I should stop jumping on the bed."

THANKFULS:

1. Obviously, Tyler. His tender kisses that melt into my lips & into my heart.

2. Silk (my cat)

3. Good pens with blue ink.

4. That Summer did not ask me to take her for food today.

5. Tylers car, for him allowing me to use it. It makes me life so much easier.

6. That Tyler doesn't get angry about money. That he trusts me.

7. Master Jones (the kids karate instructor)

Am I in love?

My world has just changed.

It's been an emotionally stressful weekend dealing with everything. I feel healed and I feel lost at the same time ... but now what have I done to myself?

My friend Tyler has been such a great support to me this week. He's such a good listener and understands so much of the pain that I feel. It's nice having someone I can talk to.

Sitting in church today was so difficult. After Sacrament meeting I went out and sat in my car, and cried. I texted Tyler, who called me so we could talk. He asked me what was wrong, I hem-hawed about it but finally said words I didn't think I ever would ... or should. "I am confused. I am starting to have feelings for you." Umm, what now?! He wasn't surprised. He more or less said he had them too. We were both a little blown away by it. He told me he was basically waiting for me to say it... chicken.

I could not have chosen a better person to fall for but, one glitch ... a major one. He's married. ERK! He's been separated from his wife for a year now, hasn't actually seen or spoken to her in about that same amount of time. He filed for divorce within days of moving out of their home, so it's not like he's "married" to her really. I know, I know, justifications.

A few weeks back I went to help him straighten up his apartment, unpack some boxes that needed to be unpacked for a year of him living there. Just hanging out as friends. He was in kneeling on the floor with his drill trying to fix his kitchen table and I walked over to the counter and just said to myself while listing things I needed to finish, "Oh, I need some tape."  I turned to finish something else up and within moments I had tape in my hand. He had heard me say I needed tape, stopped what he was doing and went and got me tape, without being asked. I think I knew right then that this was a very special man, and that my feelings for him were more than I had been letting on that they were. It seems so silly, he just got me the tape, ya know? But he did it without me asking, or having to beg, or having to do it myself or just accepting that it would never get done. He put what I was doing as equal to, or above what he was doing. It was amazing. He's so thoughtful like that, and kind. At about 2am, when we got sick of working, we sat down on his couch and just started talking. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird. It was just natural. It just flowed seamlessly. We talked about everything and about nothing all at the same time. At about 8am I finally went home. We'd spent all those hours talking, it was amazing. He told me that he spoke more to me that night than he had to his wife in the last year of their marriage. I sort of felt the same way about William. I mean, we spoke, but at the same time, we didn't. We had two topics, 1. The kids 2. His work. That was it. But Tyler and I spoke endlessly about music, books, kids, marriages, life, religion. It was just amazing.

A couple of weeks after that I was going to go down to a "Dive Experience" at a scuba shop where a friend of mine works. Since I'm scuba certified but haven't been in the water at all since I was pregnant with Kydrun, I thought it would be fun to go refresh my memory. I asked Tyler if he'd like to go with me. I knew, from our many conversations that he is a very introverted homebody. I didn't expect him to go with me, but he surprised me and went! I was excited that he decided to get out, get away and do something totally new to him. It was a lot of fun, except I lost my contacts in the pool! OOPS! We decided to go to an IHOP for dinner afterward but couldn't find one open, so we ended up at a Village Inn.

It's just so nice to spend time with him. He's so easy to be around. So easy to talk to, and oh my goodness, he's FUNNY! He doesn't think he's funny, and he's rarely ever actually trying to be funny, but man does he ever make me laugh! It's so nice to be around someone like him. He's just so ... amazing.

I sort of think I've known. I know William has known. He's been telling me for a long time that I am in love with him (meaning Tyler, not meaning himself). When he saw Tyler at Kydrun's birthday party he said "He loves you, too." Jean even said he was in love with me, she could tell by the way he watched me and looked at me. I think he was just looking at me like I'm a psycho firecracker he's afraid of ... But maybe that's just me.

Well, it seems they were both right. I think I DO love him. I think I have opened my heart to him. I think I do want to see where this goes despite my extreme fear of where it will go. Then again, I think I already know where it's going to go in the long run.

Am I in love?

I'll get through this, too.

I just had the wind knocked out of me.

Got onto facebook to find a changed relationship status for William to 'Engaged'.

I'm not sure why this has struck me so deeply, so thoroughly and so painfully.

Yes I am.

He has told me for the last 2 years "I'm never getting married again." He decided that marriage wasn't worth the hassle. "I'm not the marrying type." He didn't want the commitment. Over and over he told me part of why we got divorced, why he strayed was because he was just not meant to be married... And now he's engaged.

Two days ago, I asked him if he was going to marry this girl. He said no.

Why do I care so much?! This is ridiculous. We've been divorced for 2 years, our marriage was over for MOST of the marriage!

Why does he get to fall in love, be happy & have a happy ending when he stole so much from me, destroyed so much of me?! I tried to be a good wife, to keep him happy. I know I sucked, I know I failed ... But I tried. Instead of being honorable, faithful, ... he just decided to leave the marriage. To go bed down with another woman. I even got an std from him. Thankfully it was a curable one!!

Here I sit. Alone. Single. Sad. & three kids.

It isn't fair. None of this has been fair. HE should be the one sad. He should be the one alone. He should be the one who aches inside for all he lost. But he doesn't. He never has. He crushed me and never looked back. Now he's moving on with someone else.

I didn't know what to do. I broke down and sobbed. I called my friend Tyler & he came over & sat with me, put his arm around me & let me cry. He's so strong, still and quiet. He brought me twinkies and a pineapple, two of my comfort foods. He is so sweet.

I'll get through this. I got through, "I don't love you anymore & there is somebody else." I got through the many confessions of infidelity. I got through the coming home and then the "I want a divorce". I got through spending Christmas Eve's alone so he could be with his girlfriends. I got through divorcing and losing my best friend & my extended family. I can get through this.

I cannot believe he didn't give me, OR the kids a heads up... he told facebook before he even told his own kids.

Therapy

My New Therapist Link

I think it's time I get a therapist. I think this guy would do me some good...

September Fun

Spent some time going on adventures with the midgies.

A week or so ago I decided to take my kids to the dollar movie. I invited Kim and her kids along, and invited the kids friends Aurora, Kevin & Autumn and their Dad along. He decided at the last minute he wanted to go with us. That poor man thinks I'm absolutely insane. I had taken the kids to Reams and told them they could take some candy to the movie, but only what they could fit in their pockets. Kids have A LOT of pockets! They filled up Kim's diaper bag, Kevin wore a pair of army pants with a million pockets and Autumn even wore her coat... IN SEPTEMBER! We got to the dollar movie only to find out that it was sold out ... Doh. So we headed out to MAGNA to the theater out there. It was fun. Thankfully our kids were the only ones in the theater.  They were playing music before hand so the kids and went down in front of the screen and danced. It was so much fun. I love playing with them. I do not do it often enough.

On the 18th we went to the Utah Museum of Fine Arts :) My friend Tyler and I took all the kids (10 in total!) up to the UMFA for the Free Family Day. It was centered on Animals and we had a little riddle sheet to use to look through the museum with... Here they're all looking for the animals in this yarn art! (L-R Aurora, Nancy, Jason, Brylin, Autumn, Kydrun, Kevin, Jade, Summer, Aidan and Tyler)

Yesterday, the 26th, there was a Honey Harvest up at the Salt Lake City, Library. Tyler and his kids went along with us again and we took Cameron... he's like taking an extra 14!  Tyler's oldest daughter Summer refused to go with us this time... She wanted to stay at home and watch something called anime.

After the museum we decided to go up to the canyons & have a fire, roast hot dogs and marshmallows. It was SOOOO fun!!

There is nothing better than spending time with the kids!  I think Tyler had a good time, but he is very hard to read. He's so quiet and withdrawn. I hope my friendship can bring him out of his shell some.

Flattery!

Just got this email sent to my facebook account, LOL, it's awesome:

Philip Hamilton September 18 at 12:52pm I must confess, Your profile picture is something i would call 'irresistible' You've so much intrigued, captivated and enchanted me with your dazzling beauty most especially the angelic smile:} It's just so cute and quite adorable! How can I not ever respond to such beauty that has attracted my attention in such an incredible manner. It's just as though i've never set my eyes on a woman before{So rare and unique}!I'm pretty sure every responsible man on this planet would desire to get to know you if at least for friendship sake...{smile}Would be more than glad to really start up a friendship with you and see how it goes if we mutual.Anywayz, Should you ever be willing to correspond/communicate with me kindly feel free and don't hesitate to drop me some lines in return.I'll be looking forward to read from you soon and hope this message finds you in good mood!Until then,Enjoy the very best of the weekend and remain beautiful alwayz♥♥♥
Philip

Brylinism

Had a sleepover with my 3, 3 of the Colbert kids (Aurora, Kevin & Autumn) & another neighbor boy, Cameron. They were all up way too late and ingested way too much candy & snacks. By 1pm I had a bunch of grumpies on my hands. I sent Cameron home, and was going to send the Colbert kids home, but they wanted to stay and nap at my house. I told them all they had to lay down and be quiet for 1 hour. I told Brylin, "Shhh, be quiet as a mouse."
"Mice are squeaky, 'squeak squeak'. How about if we are quiet as spiders?"