To this day...

 To this day, a million years later, I think of her and wonder how she is. 

Allergies

Raw

A few days ago my husband was reading my blog, reading the conversations between a friend of mine during which I was trying my hardest to help her and motivate her.  He called me a hypocrite.  I am not "practicing what I preach".  Which isn't entirely true, or untrue. 

Here's the thing, I'm not "dieting". I am/was working on changing my lifestyle.  The reason I was working on changing my lifestyle is because I am hoping in a few months to be having weight loss surgery.  So, truth's out. 

That is the secret that I've been choking on all of this time.  I have been afraid to say it out loud for fear of judgement.  For fear of being called weak, or a quitter.  For fear of being judged.  For fear of being called lazy or being told I am taking the "easy" way out.  But, tonight ... I don't care about fear I care about being called a hypocrite, so there ya have it.

I have tried so many things to lose weight.  Spent so much money, so much energy, so much time.  The only really successful weight loss program I found was pregnancy.  I am not jumping into anything lightly.  Having my guts rearranged is not something I am doing just because I am "lazy" which I *KNOW* I'm going to be called.  Right now, it hurts too much to exercise.  We try a workout plan with the kids but my knees swell and are excruciating for days afterward.  My back makes it so I can't sit or stand comfortably and we won't even talk about how awful the pain is in my hips and my sciatica.  These are not excuses, these are my reality.  When I do push ups, my feel like my wrists are going to break.  I haven't found a way to do them that doesn't kill my wrists.  I am working on it, daily I am working on it. 

But, back to the hypocrisy.  Part of why I am not changing up my lifestyle completely and immediately is because soon I am going to be giving up EVERYTHING.  So I need to take my transition slowly.  I am afraid if I just cut myself off entirely that I will backslide when it is dangerous to do so.

So I am not trying to be a hypocrite, I am trying to help. I am trying to offer guidance for what worked for me, helped me ... trying to be a support, an accountability partner.  Never a hypocrite. 

Here is the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life.  Let me show you why I am going in for weight loss surgery ... Let me assure you, next to actually telling my secret, this is the most difficult thing I have ever done:

 

 

 

 

 The purpose of the bottom picture is twofold:  One, these boots are specially made for large women with extra elastic in the tops, I cannot zip them up.  Two, I love these boots and one of my goals is to wear them comfortably and be able to zip them up.

Here's the thing about these pictures. I've been considering them since my Sweetheart took them and since I posted them ... I had absolutely NO idea I looked like this.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I am NOT this big.  I am not this FAT.  I had no idea. 

Someone I know is an inspiring individual who has lost huge amounts of weight the hard way. She's worked her butt off eating right, working out etc... But I noticed an up and down trend with her, she takes it off and puts it back on and takes it back off again.  I don't want that.  I do not want that roller coaster life.  She is an amazing self motivator and can keep herself on track and if/when the pounds creep back on, she has the fortitude and push to take it back off ... I don't.  I got down to 198 a couple of years ago, but over the last few years have gained it all back plus some ... and I can't go through what it took to lose it all again.  I do not want to spend my life focused on weight loss.  I do not want to spend my life counting calories and being miserable in my own skin.  So, there ya have it. 

Here I am ... completely raw.

BMI?

So, what IS my BMI?  What does BMI really mean?

I know the numbers are really tiny, but I believe if you actually click on the picture it will bring you up a bigger shot.

Your BMI is your Body Mass Index.  The Body mass index (BMI), estimates the ideal weight of a person based on its size and weight. The Body mass index is valid for an adult man or woman (18 to 65 years).

Using myself as an example, I am 5'5" and I currently weigh 251.  My BMI on this chart is: 41.6.  That puts me quite deeply into the Morbidly Obese range for my height.  To be at optimal health I would have to weigh 140lbs. That is 110lbs, unfortunately, I do not look at that number and see reality.  I'm fairly set on the fact that I will never weigh that much no matter how hard I try.  That might be exactly why I plateau at 250. 

Anyway, BMI.  Why is this important?  This is important because it tells you how much of your mass is extra fat.  I question the validity of some of the numbers around the borders of healthy vs. overweight or underweight because of muscle mass and the fact that muscle weighs more than fat, but I digress.

Knowing that 41.6 percent of my body is fat means A LOT; not only to myself, but also to my health care provider.  Fat does not just accumulate on your butt, thighs, stomach or arms ... Those are just the places that SHOW.  Fat accumulates around your organs, limiting how well they can function. When you're losing weight, it is said that it takes 12 weeks for anyone else to notice a difference... I believe (and this is weight loss gospel according to me so it may or may not be true) that it is because you lose the bits on the inside long before you lose the stuff on the outside.  So all of those days of losing a pound here, a pound there but not noticing a difference right away in how your clothes fit ... trust me ... It matters. 

Here's one of the other reasons that I think knowing your BMI matters... If you, like myself, have over 100lbs to lose ... It is fairly reasonable to assume that losing that weight in 6 months to have a bikini body isn't a realistic goal and might lead you to a dead end and ultimate give up.  So figure out your BMI, figure out where you want to be, even if it's in the "yellow" area and then figure out if you lost weight healthily, losing up to 5-6lbs a week, what is a realistic end time for your goal? 

For me, my goal is a size 8.  I don't care if the scale says 180lbs, as long as I am in a size 8 I don't care.  8 is for some reason the number I am stuck on.  I also don't want my thighs to rub together anymore.

Interesting finds:  I was googling for images of "thighs that don't touch" ... You would be SHOCKED at the number of women feel exactly the same way ... I want thighs that don't touch.  I thought I was the only one ... But, here's the first image I found:

PROOF: That you can be adored by thousands of men, even when your thighs touch.

Here's something else I found ... someone else obsessed with their thighs not touching that lead them, at age 10 to eating disorders, the blog is called Living For Today ... She's very inspirational and honest.

Perhaps I need to re-evaluate both of my goals.  Take Marilyn Monroe for instance, she was a 12/14 her entire career.  She was voluptuous and beautiful.  Maybe my version of "beautiful and sexy" is based upon society rather than upon reality and true beauty.

Jim

Portions

That reads Portions, not POTIONS ... although I really wish I did have a magic potion, that'd be cool.

I suppose that losing weight is sort of a potion ... It's a mixture, a concoction of sorts, of a lot of different things. 

One of those "Main Ingredients" is portion control.  Portion control is a big thing for me.  When I was a single mom with 3 kids, I was very careful about how much I let my kids eat.  How much cereal was in their bowls, how big their cup of koolaide was etc...  When I married my husband and gained my other 6 kids I gained a new level of stress in trying to control portion sizes for them.  They'll eat 3-4 helpings of dinner if allowed.  The youngest, who is 5, will eat 3-4 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if allowed.  If I limit them to one or possibly two helpings if there's a lot and I don't want it to go to waste, they spend the hour following dinner begging for food; complaining of hunger.  Our oldest daughter, who is 15, complains DAILY of how hungry she is.  On a previous post from about 18 months ago I was listing the things I was thankful for that day and the #1 thing on my list was "That Summer didn't ask me to stop and buy her food".  It hasn't changed.  When I pick her up to take her to therapy on Monday's she complains from the moment she gets into the car to therapy, the entire time we're at therapy she's stuffing her face with the therapists pretzels and all the way back she complains of just being so starving and begging me to stop and buy her something.  It is RIDICULOUS.  We have actually been turned into DCFS 3 times with complaints that we are starving the children. It's no freakin' wonder that their mother and grandparents think we're starving them to death if all 6 of them complain of crushing hunger the way Summer does.


Portion Sizes.  This isn't just a hot topic for my kids, it's a hot topic for me.  About a hundred years ago ... okay well, not an entire hundred, but a long time ago my mother had gastric bypass surgery.  I was a teenager at the time and very self-absorbed so her surgery seemed more like a massive inconvenience to my life than anything, but I recall her saying something along the lines of her stomach being like 3 liters.  3 liters!!  To put that into perspective here are some pictures:
The "normal" stomach that hasn't been stretched out by years of over-eating should only be about the size of one of your fists.

Oh, serving sizes, portion sizes ... fist sizes.

 Your stomach is the same size as your fist ... seriously folks.  That's not that much food!! Check this next picture out called Portion Distortion.  The plate on the left is the one that my kids would eat if given half a chance, twice.  We don't need anywhere CLOSE to as much food as we are consuming each day. 

 
 I rarely eat on a "regular" dinner plate.  I have always used the salad plate.  Let me show you why I use our salad plate:

 

11 inches vs. 8.5 inches 

 

If you consider "portion sizes" when you look at those two plates, the dinner plate is nearly TWICE the amount of food space.  In my post "Food Log" I actually showed pictures of my food, as gross as that is.  Part of the reason I did that was to make mention of the actual portion size.  Did you know that your average cereal bowl, the one you use for your kids, gives room enough for TWICE the suggested serving size on the side of the box?  Did you know that on your gallon of milk, it says your suggested serving size is only 3/4 of a cup unless it's Skim Milk and then it's a full cup?  How much are we overfeeding ourselves and our families?


Let's go back to the calorie counting thing from my post called "Calories"? 

In one 20oz bottle of soda (this is pretty much universal) there are 2.5 servings.  In this bottle of my particular brand of death there are 250 calories PER SERVING.  So, because I am a lushy DP-aholic, I do not split up the servings in my 20oz because seriously, I don't even do that with a 44oz!!  In my one bottle of my liquid love I consumed 2.5 servings and 750 calories!!  And not just ANY calories, they actually have a special name .. they're called EMPTY calories.   Serving size matters because just because it says on the label "250 calories", if you double your portion size, or serving size ... you're also doubling your calories.


What would your dinner plate look like each night if you only used your salad plate and you only served yourself the suggested serving size of each item?   Even if your dinner is strawberry shortcake smothered in strawberries and whipped cream w/ a side of ice cream ... each of those things has a suggested serving size on the container ... start with ONLY eating the serving size.  If lowering your portion sizes leaves you hungry in a couple of hours, eat an apple or a banana.  I'm working on researching the 3 solid meals a day vs. 5-6 meals a day debate.  I struggle w/ getting 3 solid meals, let alone 6.

Portion size has never been my problem although w/ the amount of soda I drank it wouldn't surprise me if I've stretched my stomach out as large as my mothers who would drink 2-3 32/44oz Cokes every day.  I am not/wasn't, fortunately, that bad, I could be satisfied w/ 10oz a day because it satisfied the sugar craving, but I could also drink 88oz in a day and be just as happy (and awake all night!)  Carbonation is a very, very bad thing for an organ that is suppose to only be the size of your fist.  What happens when you shake up a bottle of soda?  It expands, and expands and expands.  It does that in your stomach too.  Carbonation is a GAS.  Whenever I drink Dr. Pepper, it physically HURTS.  It feels like I've swallowed razorblades and they're cutting their way through my intestines.  It's uber pleasant, I promise.  You'd think with as much pain I get from it, I'd of stopped a lot sooner.  Not so much, I have a weak personality and a propensity for fulfilling my desires despite the damage they cause. 

Myth or Fact: If you cut down on your food intake, you'll eventually shrink your stomach so you won't be as hungry.

Answer: Myth.  Eating less won't shrink your stomach but it can help to reset your "appetite thermostat" so you won't feel as hungry, and it may be easier to stick with an eating plan.

HOWEVER, eating MORE can stretch the organ and thus making it take longer for you to feel full or satisfied.  We should always eat to satisfaction, never to "full".  If we hit the full mark we've overeaten.

So, what does all of this mean?  This means, stick with a salad plate and PORTION sizes only for a week.   See how that works for you.  See if you end up hungry between meals.  See if you notice a difference. 

Here's another suggestion, it's one I have done for years.  Weirdly, I cannot tell you why I've done this, or why I started doing it ... but it always works.  How many times when you go out to eat at a restaurant do you overeat, or overindulge?  How often do you take home the "Doggy Bag" only to throw it away in a couple of days because nothing is ever as good as it is fresh?  Well, you can do one of two things if you happen to go out to dinner at a restaurant. 

1. You can request only half a portion.  I would make sure they'll only bill you for half a portion.  More often than not, they will accommodate you and charge you only half a portion.  If they don't, go to suggestion #2. 
2. Ask for half of the meal in a To-Go box.  SOME restaurants/servers will actually bring it to you already in a To-Go box.

Oh, and here is a good reference to a Portion Size Plate from WebMD, they have one you can stick up on your fridge and one you can carry with you.  

Mirror Mirror ...

I feel this way.  There's a store close by here called Tinderbox ... I love that store, but I hate to go there because I have absolutely no idea anymore how far out my backside hangs!!  I don't even like isles in Wal-Mart anymore.  I'm just simply too big anymore.