The last two weeks have gone by in a blur. I'm not sure if it's because I was without one of my medications so I was unstable (oh my was I ever!) or if it's because there was just so much going on (which of course I cannot remember).
I fell off the wagon, hard. I haven't gone a day without a Dr. Pepper, I'm so weak. I haven't walked in two weeks. I haven't read my scriptures in two weeks, I am still addicted to Will like crack (but that's getting better, I'll talk about that in a minute). I haven't taken my vitamins and I'm just over-all being dysfunctional. BUT...
Something happened to me on Sunday. I don't know what it was but it was life-altering. Ever since Will and I split and divorced everyone has been telling me to take him down off his pedestal, to take off my Rosy tinted glasses. Something happened on Sunday and I did. Do you remember in the movie Hercules where the Fates cut the life strings of people? That's the mental picture I have in my head. It's like I went to sleep on Saturday night and sometime in the night the Fates cut the string that I was tied to Will with. I woke up and I could see him. I could see my FRIEND. I do not have the attachment anymore of him being my husband, I don't feel the longing or the pain. The heavy weight that has been crushing my chest all this time making it difficult to breathe is gone. I'm divorced. I'm finally completely divorced from Will. I still love him, I still love to talk to him and hang out with him and be around him, but he's my best friend so that's not unusual. If he were to ask me to take him back today, this minute the answer would be no; well at least a Not Yet. A situation arose a couple of nights ago where he needed someplace to stay for a night and I of course made him stay here (and yes, I made him). It was 2am and he was so tired and so drained I forced him to my bed and made him get in it (though he was so tired that he could hardly take off his boots let alone anything else). I laid beside him and held him all night and kept him warm (he was ice cold). It was nothing more than me just holding my friend in comfort. It felt WONDERFUL. In the morning, I didn't want him to stay here, I didn't want him to move home. I teased him about it but deep down, moving in here instead of to his dad's was just simply not an option and I was okay with that.
I'm excited for the prospects of my life. I've got a bright future ahead of me with my beautiful children at my side and my friends, including Will, behind me for support. There is nothing but beauty in my life right now (but give me a minute, it's almost time to wake up the kids ;) ).
I'm going to start all over with everything on Monday. I can't start something in the middle of the week because I'm weird. I have to start all new things on Monday.
I'm just sitting here with the kids still asleep and listening to the quiet and I'm so peaceful. I am not worried about Will, I'm not worried about his life, I'm not worried about being alone. All I'm thinking about is letting the kids sleep for 15 more minutes before I go wake the tornado's up.
I am still struggling with my boundaries. This has become a real issue for me. I don't know how to make boundaries, I don't know how to enforce boundaries and I don't know how to respect others boundaries. I never have. I have a situation now in which I NEED to set boundaries but I am at a loss. A good friend of mine, Cammy, is helping me the best she can, but how do you teach someone how to set a boundary when it's something that's always been natural to you? She's one of the strongest people I know so I hope I can usurp whatever knowledge she has to offer. I really need it.
I've been scrapbooking again. I got Brylin done to her 3rd b-day so I'm only a year and half behind on her now. Next is Kydrun. I've avoided doing his because I dropped off for a long while after I did his burn book. I think it drained me. Kydrun is still in 2005 so I'm REALLY behind in his. I'm not sure if I can ever do my Wedding and my life with Will though. Even the idea of it turns my stomach a little. I don't think I'm ready to face that so it's going to go at the bottom of the list, which is: Catch up all three kids, do my pets book (YES, so don't even roll your eyes!), do my mission, do his mission (if I don't it'll never get done), and then the wedding book. I figure that's 10 years worth of scrapbooking right there so I'll be fine. :)
I've decided what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. I wanted for a very long time to become a Life Coach, but there is a lot involved in doing that, a lot that I don't have the time or the desire to do. I was lying in bed the other day thinking about what I wanted for my life and like a light switched on it was SO clear. I want to become a psychiatric nurse practitioner, like the one that I see for my medications. She talks to me, counsels me to a point without becoming completely involved in my drama and she helps me to change my life by providing the medications that imperative to my sanity. I just want to help people. I want to help people get through the things that I have been through and I've been through a lot the last 10 years. I want to help them get through the fog that I had over my eyes for so long.
It's a good day, a good week and I'm okay. I'm FINALLY okay. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's going to be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day.