Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Saturday, July 31, 2010


Just got back from my first karate class ... O.M.G!! I'm pretty sure the instructor, who is all of 17, was trying to kill me. I was pleasantly surprised when I entered the mat that I was not the oldest in the class and no one even seemed to notice I was there. I was sweating almost immediately ... AWESOME!! Can't wait for Wednesday!!

Friday, July 30, 2010


So... according to the Wii I'm obese, no kidding. It even made my mii fat! I have a BMI of 38ish and my "wii fit age" which is based on my real age, weight, height, balance is 45!! EEK! Jade was 24, Kydrun 27 and Brylin 30!! She falls into the "underweight" catagory on that thing (she is underweight, she's tiny!) so I guess that's why it thinks she's 30. I've done a couple of workouts on it, just played a step game and a hula hoop game and it really worked up a sweat! I'm so thrilled with it! So worth the investment for SURE!

However, to trust the wii weight or to not trust the wii weight is the question. According to the wii, I'm down to almost 232, which is a 6lb difference. It makes me nervous believing that because what if when I got to WW on Tuesday, I'm only down another 2? Talk about crestfallen!

But for now, I love the wii.

Took the kids to play at Hollywood Connection tonight. We went skating, which worked up a sweat but I'm not sure if it was because it was hot or if it was because I was working my body. I walked around that rink about 100 times with the kids. Jade is getting SO good on her skates! I'm sure proud of her! She's set herself a goal of learning to skate. She's going to earn some money and buy herself some skates and then teach herself how! I absolutely LOVE that Jade does not quit at things she really wants. She's persistent!! I'm excited for her to continue to be successful, in skating, karate, school and everything else she does.

Thursday, July 29, 2010



When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6


I am officially a White Belt in Karate! (Taekwondo actually!) The kids got a certificate for 2 months free and we just signed them up! The place we take them too "Personal Mastery Martial Arts" is over in Sandy on 20th East and the way they do billing is you pay for 2 and the rest are free, so Brylin, Will and I are free now that we're paying for Kydrun and Jade! :) LOVE IT! My first class is Saturday! EXCELLENT! The kids are so excited to teach me all that they know since they've had a couple of classes more than I have! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Will and I went over to Ron & Rolaynes again today to finish the side of the house. Got a lot done, I'm proud of us :) They paid us, which we weren't expecting and she paid me $220. WOW! I decided that I was going to use a bit of that money and buy myself a Wii Fit because I'd NEVER get one otherwise :) The rest of it went to pay my stupid tickets.

Went up to Emigration Canyon with my mom and the kids tonight. We went to a family friend, Eddie's firehouse. He's a firefighter paramedic and mom had to take something up there to him so we took the kids to give them a tour. Eddie showed the kids EVERYTHING. He let them play with a small firehose w/ a nozzel on it, showed them the weight room, all of the bits and places of the fire truck. He took us up to the living quarters where they were all (all 3 of them including Eddie) in the process of eating dinner. They showed us the firepole and asked for the first volunteer to go down. I was SO SURPRISED when NONE of my kids wanted to be the one to go down. Finally out of exasperation, Brylin said "I'll just do it!" and went down!! That of course showed the older two that if the baby can do it, they can do it to. THEN, after the three of them had done it the firemen said "Alright Mom, get on!" ODDLY, I didn't even hesitate! Normally, I'd of politely said Hell No but I don't do that anymore! I said "Alrighty then!" climbed on and went down and it was awful! HAHAHA!! I have no strength in my arms or hands, so I pretty much just flew down that pole and hit the floor with all of my weight. Thought I might have broken an ankle, or two!! But it was all good! They cheered me on, Eddie patted me on the back and I was so proud of myself I couldn't stand it!! After they each took a couple of turns down the pole, Eddie took us for a drive up the canyon in the fire truck!! We got to wear the Earphones that they use to hear over the truck and talk to each other, we could hear the radio announcing fires all over the valley. The kids thought they were the coolest things EVER! When we were getting ready to leave Eddie gave them each a hat, a book mark and a pencil and they were SURE they were the coolest things ever at that point! :) It was so fun!! I am so thankful that my "Oh no, not me" attitude is all gone. I'm all for doing new things and getting my life started!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Had my very first weigh-in at Weight Watchers! According to my initial weigh-in last Tuesday I was 240.2, tonight, I was 238.2!! BOOYA BABY! That's -2lbs and I am 100% successful!! *doing a jig in my chair* "go me, oh yeah, go me!"

I have to be honest about the weigh-in though. I was seriously crestfallen when she told me it was 2lbs. What SHE said was "Great job! You're down 2lbs this week!" What I heard in my head and said to myself was "Great, ONLY 2lbs this week!" WOW, what a monumental difference there is in those two sentences!! BUT, I decided to go right back to my JUST GIVE ME A YEAR! mantra and Damn Right Baby, I'm SUCCESSFUL!

Weight Watchers has been very, very difficult for me mentally. The way that it works is that I am allotted a certain number of "points" each day. Here's how you determine your points target:

1. What do you weigh?
Enter the first two digits of your weight in pounds. For example, if you weigh 175 enter 17.
2. Are you:
Female, enter 2
Male, enter 8

3. How old are you?
Over 58..0

4. How tall are you?
Under 5'1"......0
5'1" to 5'10"...1
Over 5'10"......2

5. How do you spend most of your working day:
Sitting down (office worker)......................0
Occasionally sitting but mostly standing (Mom)....2
Walking (postal worker)...........................4
Doing physically hard work(construction)..........6

Nursing mom's only
Are you solely breastfeeding...10
Supplementing w/bottles........5

Okay, so for me, this is what it looked like:
1. 24
2. 2
3. 3
4. 1
5. 2
Which adds up to 32 pts.

Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)

Exercise has not been coming very easily but it's getting there. I walked to the hospital last night, but hadn't really done anything since. Today I went with Will over to Ron & Rolaynes to move a HUGE pile of firewood from the side of their house. I'd grab the wood, toss it to Will who would load it into the wheelbarrow. Once the wheelbarrow was full we'd go to the dog pen where we were putting it and I'd toss it out of the wheelbarrow to him. We did that in the heat for about 3.5-4hrs!! My arms are tired but really, my back is in agony. We're going back tomorrow to do some more! :)


Bed-Invader had another night terror. Took me 10 mins to wake her up. She kept screaming & waving her hand "I'M RIGHT HERE!" When I finally got her awake she couldn't calm down & finally "I want Daddy!" I am eternally grateful for a Daddy who answers his phone at 2am on the... 2nd ring & calms his little girl down in two breaths. It's not ideal, but it's perfect for what it is. Thank you Will for being such a good Dad.

Despite how angry and frustrated I was at him, he's still a good dad. What he does on his time is none of mine (or anyone else's really) business and being without him here, and being in charge of my kids is my reality and I need to stop whining about it and deal with it. All of these years I've wanted him to rescue me, to discipline because I'm weak, fix things because I thought I lacked the ability. None of this true. I do not need him to rescue me, I do not need him to step in to discipline the kids and I can fix things on my own. In fact, expecting him to discipline them is highly unfair to him because when he comes over to see them, that's what ends up being their visits. I AM strong enough to do this with or without him. I am very, very blessed in that the relationship that Will and I have is as good as it is. We could fight, argue, hate each other, spew venom at every opportunity. But we don't. We enjoy being around each other because we are fairly good friends. I still harbor a lot of feelings, good and bad, and I believe he harbors some resentment he's not even sure he's carrying around. But for the most part, we don't fight in front of the kids, or about the kids, or about anything really, except money and we've been doing that since we got married so why change, eh? We can go places together with the kids, a luxery that not many people have in their divorce. The trick I need to learn is to suck it up when it gets hard and stop blaming him for it (even though it was his fault! ;))

Our difficult day ended beautifully. The kids got the house clean, WITHOUT HIM HERE, we rented a movie, popped popcorn and just had a nice quiet evening.

Monday, July 26, 2010


Measurements for today:

Ankle (R)11 (L)11
Midcalf (R)19 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22.75 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)31.5 (L)30.5
Abs 49
Hips 52.75
Waist 38
Chest 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.5
Neck 15

Ankle (R)10.5 (L)10.5
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18
Above Knee (R)22.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)30.5 (L)30
Abs 46.5
Hips 52
Waist 37
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15 (L)15.5
Neck 14.5

Total Loss: 9.75 inches

I think I am retaining water so my ankles and legs were pretty swollen today.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Today I am struggling, a lot. My friend and her daughter were going to come and play with us today. I told the kids that they need to clean their rooms or our friends cannot come and play. We're working on hour 10 and the work is STILL not done. It would have then them less than 20 minutes if they'd of just done the work. Jade is being so mean and disrespectful. All of them are fighting, hitting, punching each other. They're screaming, yelling, telling me they hate me and each other. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I do not know how to get them listen. I've tried to be nice, I've tried rewards "if the work gets done Brittany can come over", I've tried enforcing punishment by making them stand in the corner for time out, removed the option of Brittany and Kyra's visit ... Nothing is working, at all.

This is a typical day for me. The kids do not listen, they do not care, they fight, argue, scream, yell, ignore me. What is difficult is knowing that my ex is having a nice, quiet day with his girlfriend. They probably went hiking or for a walk. A drive in the canyon or a picnic. Maybe fishing. All the things I begged for him to do with me when we were married and he'd go, just not with me. I always got left home with the kids, just like now. I am so angry I want to call him and yell at him. How fun for him to have a nice quiet weekend without the worry of the children and their chaos. How nice for him to be able to sleep in and not worry about feeding, bathing, disciplining anybody. How nice for him to be able to come over here and visit for a few hours, not have to worry about disciplining them here, making them clean, making them obey, and then leave at the end of the night, leaving me to bathe and chase them into bed 100 times. It's unfair. He is planning a trip to Alaska with his girlfriend. "Just the first of many" he says. He got pissed off at me because I had the key to a truck that has MY name on it and he wanted it for his girlfriend to borrow it "because she needs to pick something up". I told him that she could come and meet me somewhere and I'd give her the key but I had plans. That wasn't good enough, I had to go out of my way to get the key over there "before 7 because that's too late". Then I found out that the reason she needed the truck was to drive to Jackson Hole, WY (a 6 hour drive) to be with him, after he told me the truck isn't insured and didn't want me just "driving it around". His life is so easy. He complains that he works "so hard" to make sure he pays his child support and alimony ... well la-te-da. He complains that I do not work hard enough because I do not have a job outside the house right now, complained when we were married that I didn't work hard enough to keep the house clean and everything together. He got everything when he walked out. He got his freedom, he's got his girlfriends, often times 2 of them overlap, he's got his weekends, and his ability to sleep in and go to the mountains and go hiking and go the bar to drink ... all he has to do is standard visitation with the kids which he barely does because of his work which he complains he has to do to pay the cs/a and while he is here I am here still disciplining, still cleaning, still cooking, still taking care of everything. Otherwise he's a free man. I, on the other hand, can't go anywhere, not even to my appts with my therapist without the kids unless I PAY a sitter. I spend every day feeding/disciplining/fighting with/bathing/entertaining and taking care of the children. I spend everyday trying to clean up mess after mess and laundry that never stops. He doesn't come here unless it's convenient for him and his girlfriend. He leaves if there's a better offer. Like last Friday. He knew I had plans to go out BEFORE he left for Lava, yet I still ended up worrying about getting a sitter at the last minute. The reason? Because he had a better offer from his girlfriend. Instead of spending the time he has available to him with his kids, he ditches them to be with her. Now she's going out of town and he wants to come and see them. I'm selfish and I'm angry. I want him to go away and never come back. I want him to just go live his selfish life and leave us alone. He wants to be a bachelor, he wants to go to the bars, go be with his girlfriends, go spend his money, his time and his effort on them. I'm tired of the kids being an afterthought, a fun place to hang out when he's not got better things to do. I am so frustrated, so angry, and so very, very tired of this.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Calories for kids?

Decided that since I am going to be changing my lifestyle that my children's lifestyle is going to be changed as well. While at the grocery store and found out about the bread, I also picked them up their favorite breakfast which is Quaker instant oatmeal "Dinosaur Eggs". Because it's OATMEAL I assumed there wouldn't be "too many" calories ... HA! 190 calories PER packet. Kydrun just ate 3!! Kydrun is not an eater, he's very picky and doesn't like a lot of food so he'll go several meals without eating unless it's something he likes. So for him to eat 3 bowls of oatmeal is huge, even if it is 190 calories each.

I did some research on calories for kids. According to "How Many Calories Do Kids Need?
Kids come in all sizes and each person's body burns energy (calories) at different rates, so there isn't one perfect number of calories that a kid should eat. But there is a recommended range for most school-age kids: 1,600 to 2,500 per day.

When they reach puberty, girls need more calories, but they tend to need fewer calories than boys. As boys enter puberty, they will need as many as 2,500 to 3,000 calories per day. But whether they are girls or boys, kids who are active and move around a lot will need more calories than kids who don't.

Most kids don't have to worry about not getting enough calories because the body — and feelings of hunger — help regulate how many calories a person eats..."

My kids are EXTREMELY active. They do not watch TV and are outside riding bikes or scooters all day long everyday. So I'd put them closer to the 2,500 range. That being said however, my son just ate 570 cals, 780mg of sodium and 42g sugar (which is approx 10 teaspoons of sugar!!) OUCH! The 2005 Dietary Guidelines for American recommend no more than 8 teaspoons per day (32 grams) based on a 2000 calorie per day diet. So he's already over!! Good link:

So despite the fact that we don't "need" to count calories for our kids, it's probably a VERY good idea to pay close attention to what the calories are that they eat. My problem has never been "over eating" obviously as an unintentional anorexic, however the calories that I did put into my body when I finally did eat were sugar and fat and those add up FAST. So somehow, I'm going to need to trick Kydrun with the oatmeal. Trick him into apples and carrots as well. The girls I'm not overly worried about, they both eat well, but Kydrun ...

Great Week!

So this week has been fantastic on my way to my Year!!

On Tuesday my sister and I joined Weight Watchers together. This will/has proven to be a difficult thing for me because as I discussed before I am, as my friend Ruth called me, an "unintentional anorexic". Forcing myself to eat 3 meals is hard, and I have been practically 100% unsuccessful to date. On the upside of this, I discovered this week WHY eating is so difficult for me. I get sick every time eat, and I mean SICK. Sometimes I throw up, I get horrible stomach cramps and sharp pains and other less glamorous symptoms. It's awful. The cure for this? Don't eat. I hadn't made the connection before now. With WW, I my "points goal" is 32 which is based on my current weight, age, height, lifestyle etc... My "goal" is actually to EAT 32pts worth of food, not cut out to get DOWN to 32pts. My body can't lose if my metabolism is completely shut down, which it currently is because of my unintentional anorexia.

Wednesday I made an "executive decision" and fell completely off the wagon. For breakfast, which was actually lunch, I ate a piece of chocolate cake which my visiting teacher brought over to me since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I might have eaten two. I had another piece of cake for "lunch" and then at some point during the day I purchased a 20oz bottle of Dr.P, the first I'd had since Sunday. I drank only 3/4 of the soda because I forgot it was sitting there. It didn't do much for me, wasn't like I'd been in a desert without water for a week when I drank it. I also had a Subway sandwich, a Subway melt on flatbread which is bacon, ham, turkey, cheese and whatever else you put on it. It's my favorite and it's fattening.

On Thursday I had to wake up at 6:30 and force myself to eat breakfast, not only because of my "points" for weight watchers, but also because I was scheduled for an endoscopy that day and had to fast for it. About 10 minutes after eating 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and a cup of milk I was sick... a lot sick, again. Normally, I just wouldn't have eaten, and it wouldn't have been a big deal, but on Thursday morning I went down to my friend, Elizabeth's salon to have some sort of detox wrap done where she wrapped me up like a roll of cookie dough in saran wrap and let me sit for an hour. I lost 8 inches over all, and even lost some inches in my "cankles" which I was happy about. This wrap, being what it is, requires you drink a lot of water and eat so you don't get faint or light blood sugar. My timing on doing everything I do is always off, I do stuff like fast and get a detox wrap all the in same day all the time. Anyway, when I got home from the wrap and fell apart because I'm a big emotional baby I decided that since I wasn't going to be feeling up to it after my procedure, I'd get some walking in to hopefully work off that 10lbs of cake I ate the day before. So I walked to the hospital, which took me 25 minutes, was pretty much all uphill and about 1.5-2 miles from my house (I forgot to measure the distance). Walking to the hospital at 2pm on a day when the temperature was 100 or close to, when I've been fasting since 6:30 and just had who knows what sucked out of me with the wrap was not my wisest decision but I felt great when I got there. I got to the hospital in enough time to cool myself down and rest a bit and my legs were tingly and twitchy, which I love the feeling of. I need to learn to walk so that my hands don't swell up and fall asleep though. I tried the "speed walking" technique where I keep them up, but it just didn't feel right, so I quit. At the "procedure" they discovered I have an ulcer! YIPEE!! My enthusiasm is only halfway sarcastic. I am actually EXCITED to know what is wrong with me. I finally know why I am sick every time I eat, why I am in pain and nauseous all the time!! FINALLY!! It seems there are several reasons why I could have this ulcer so I have some habits to change (stress and worry over nothing, taking 2000mgs of ibuprofen on an empty stomach before I go to bed). After my appointment my Daddy took me "home", which to him means my original home, and he took care of me for the rest of the evening. Mom came home at some point and made a fabulous dinner of crab/cream cheese won ton's fried in oil and the best egg rolls you'll ever have, also fried in oil. Not good for the points or the waist line, but they tasted GREAT and I ate a ton. Dad brought me home and I was sick for the rest of the night. Ug!

Yesterday I didn't have breakfast, or lunch I don't think ... Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't eat at all until I went out to dinner with my friend Kari. I had one glass of Dr.P, another executive decision. Then we went to a party, which was lame as hell despite the fact that I met a very good looking and sweet guy named Thomas.

So here we are now, Saturday morning. I went to bed after 3 this morning and was up with a stomach ache at about 7. I'm so tired my eyes are burning but I can't go back to sleep. I took my medication for the ulcer and now I'm trying to force myself to eat a yogurt but even the spoon hitting my tongue makes me gag. Why is this so difficult?! How can I weight 240lbs and hate eating as much as I do?! Stomach ache is also not improving despite the medication today.

I made some discoveries at the grocery store at 2am this morning. Normally, I buy white Western Family "sandwich" bread, this time I went for the "100% Whole Wheat" sandwich bread also made by Western Family. Because I'm trying to read labels and be more aware of my caloric intake, and now the caloric intake for my family, I compared labels. I discovered that there are 50 more calories in the "wheat" bread and 15% of them are from FAT. The main ingredients are the same being "Enriched whole wheat flour". I decided to stick with the white bread because the calories are lower for the kids but found some fun new things for me. They are Oroweat Sandwhich Thins 100% whole wheat; 100 calories each. No high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat. They look like flat, wheaty hamburger buns. I also compared the Yoplait light yogurt to the regular and found that there is, if I remember right in my exhaustion, 50 calories less in the light and there's 0 from fat. So I stuck with the light. I'll have to get my book and list how many points I'm eating. I'm a 3/4 of the way through my yogurt... it's taken me 45 minutes.

Today I'm going to get some walking in. I've got two of my three kids back from their vacation. Jade is still gone, on day 7 today. I've had a fantastic time encouraging my friends in their goals as well. I've got two in particular who are really making an effort on their own and it makes me very happy. Just give us a year!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Okay, I am doing these m'lis wraps with my friend Elizabeth who is an esthetitian. She rubs a exfoliant all over me and then rubs a detox type of cream that makes me hungry for cinnimon salt water taffy (the red ones with the red stripes) and then she wraps me up from shoulders to ankles in saran wrap. I lay under a blanket and nap for an hour. She takes my measurements before and after.

Ankle (R)10.5 (L)11
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)32 (L)32.5
Abs 48.5
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest (not including the girls) 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.25

Ankle (R)10 (L)10.25
Midcalf (R)17.5 (L)18
Above Knee (R)21.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)31 (L)30
Abs 47
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15

Total Loss: 8.25 inches


It's 1:18am and I'm sitting here missing my midgies (Ha on that 5 minutes!) but I am also feeling something I haven't felt in a very, very long time ... peace. I can breathe in without my chest hurting, I can smile without wanting to cry. I am finally at peace.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


"Choosing to trust that you have value and lack nothing and need no validation and then choosing to give love in every situation creates rich relationships that last." - My friend Kimberly Sayer

Monday, July 19, 2010


Michael A. July 19 at 12:16pm

Kim, its just a thought but it may help. You said your weight loss goals. If I told you what ever your goals are you will achieve. So the only way for you to achieve the goal of weight loss is to lose the weight, gain it back and lose it again, since your goal is to "lose weight".

Have you ever noticed there are people like me who say I live debt free, but there are many others who have the goal of paying off their debt, but they never become debt free.

Its a simple mind shift, what I am saying may be worth looking into. The goal of weighing 160 lbs or the goal of losing 100 lbs, one will get you and keep you where you want to be, the other will get you there over and over again. I have been setting and achieving goals for quite a few years, and what I have noticed is that some of my goal setting has trapped me, some has helped me become the man I am today.

If I am over stepping on anything let me know, I don't want to interfere with the fire you have. I just wanted to express some love and encouragement, you are fighting the same fight I am, and I want you to succeed. I know you don't know me well, but I am in a good place, I am not talking about Africa, but I am more in lined with the reason god put me on earth today than I was yesterday. .

Kimberly Kerns Safford July 19 at 12:43pm

Wait wait ... So I want to express my goal as "Weigh 160lbs" RATHER than LOSE 100lbs? Right? Just want to make sure I get it, I'm a little slow in the head today.

Michael A. July 19 at 12:57pm

Yes. Set a goal you can live with.

If you can live with losing weight for the rest of your life, set to lose 100 lbs, but just remember, you will gain it back and lose it again. A good example is our moms, they have weight loss goals, but you notice they gain the weight back and then go lose it again. They achieve their goal, they are successful, they lose the weight over and over again, succeeding over and over again.

If you have ever set the goal in your life to lose a few lbs and you gain it back, remember, you succeed in your goal, you were not a failure, when you gained the weight back you may have felt like a failure, but it was just the natural out come of a goal without a limit.

I can give examples of my success and failures at this, but its just a mind shift.

Kimberly Kerns Safford July 19 at 1:17pm

So help me to rephrase my goal. I want to be an 8/10 dress size, whether that means I weigh 140 or 180 I don't really mind the number on the scale, I just want the dress size.

Michael A July 19 at 1:57pm

I like that goal, its solid and you can live with it.

Tried and True

Justin P July 19 at 12:25pm

Hey Kimberly, regarding your new goal:

Things I read and see over and over and over in weight loss, that is tried and true is this...

1. Drink water with your meals. It aids in digestion, and it makes you feel full, sooner. Even better, drink a small glass BEFORE you eat.

2. Do something (exercise) early to get your body going. (metabolism) and burning some calories. It's hard to get up early. It's worth it. My alarm is set for 4:35. I hate it from 4:35 to about 4:50, then I FREAKING LOVE it that I have a headstart on my day. A 20 minute brisk walk carrying some 1 or 2lb weights may be a good place to start.

3. Do some weight training. More muscles burn calories and fat. "lower" weights and higher reps tone the muscles. Higher weight and less reps builds muscles. Alternate this week by week.

4. Treat your body like a campfire. Keep putting smaller sticks (healthy food) on the fire throughout the day, (it will keep it burning hot) and NOT throwing BIG LOGS on it once at the end of the day, (that would smother the fire)

5. Lastly: "watch the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves" ... make adjustments here and there, they will add up.

My boss lost 70 lbs over 7 months doing these 5 things.

Good luck!



Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming. It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today. It's about what you're going to do after you finish reading this.

The Beginning

So here it is, Monday morning! The beginning of MY life.

Last night Kydrun, Brylin and I rode our bikes down to Ream's to buy some milk and then back home. We rested while we were at Ream's, I ate an apple and the kids had ice cream cones. My butt hurts today from the bike seat so I am going to have to get a new seat.

The Dr.P is officially out of my life. This will be a journey in and of itself because of the physical and mental withdrawals I will have.

For now, I've decided to take small steps. Forcing myself to eat 3 meals is going to be difficult. I am not accustomed to eating regularly. I've decided rather than to throw myself into the throws of "diet food" I'm going to go for "healthy" and start small. For breakfast this morning I had 1 1/2c of 1% milk, 2 scrabbled eggs and a piece of toast with a bit of butter and jam. Not super low calorie, but normally I wouldn't have eaten until dinner if then.

Today's plan? Go for a walk. I was *going* to ride my bike to my therapist appt today at 3 but my butt hurts so bad right now I can barely sit let alone ride my bike again! I thought about just walking there with the kids, but that's a pretty long walk. I think we'll stick closer to home, maybe walk a mile or so down the road and give carrots to the horses on the way.

Requote from a former blog posting:
On this day, God wants you to know... that 'decision' is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than that step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


"As you lay in bed drifting off to sleep every night, make it a habit to envision what you "could" do in the future. Don't think about problems & errrands. Imagine possibilities & solutions. See, hear, and feel yourself in the future situation with it done! Imagine the steps in your head. Inspire yourself."

WHAT will YOU envision as you fall asleep?

Watched the movie "The Secret" and now I'm listening to it on my ipod. I discovered that the word "will" has kept me captive for a long time. "I WILL lose weight" "I WILL be happy" ... I finally discovered that the word that I need to use to open up my world is AM "I AM losing weight" "I AM happy!" ...

I AM happy, I AM okay, I AM at peace with myself and my life, I AM tired and going to bed!!

Bike Ride

Just got back from a 2mi bike ride with the kids. Rode down to Ream's, grabbed a gallon of milk and rode home. Now we're on our way to the pool!!

The Dr. P is officially gone and I'm on my way to JUST GIVE ME A YEAR!! :)

Less than 200 by Christmas!!!


The Bed-Invader was in my bed again last night with her pointy feet and knees digging into my back. First words out of her mouth when she woke up? "I love you, Mommy" ... So worth it.


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit." ~ Aristotle

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Last night while I was *suppose* to be sleeping, my mind was on fire with goals, plans to accomplish those goals and some rusty cogs FINALLY fell into place.

Here's some of my brainwork.

At 35 years old I weight 237 (13lbs shy of my heaviest weight ever). At 237 I am on the borderline of being "morbidly obese". I already know I fall into the obese catagory, but tacking on that "morbidly" bit at the beginning really gives me a sense of dread. I am at risk of diabetes and heart disease, two things that run in my family, as well as cancer. I am already suffering from severe back pain due to a car accident 10 years ago and I have bad knees from the same accident. Add the extra weight on top of those already painful bones/joints and I'm breaking down pretty quickly. I have a large network of friends who play soccer/flag football every Saturday morning (even in the winter those die hards!) and I'd love to go play but I tire out too quickly. In a nutshell, I'm in pretty bad shape!!

Check this out. I just did a google search on "What should my weight be" I found a link: after entering my information, which I question it's accuracy because it asked if my fingers can fit around my wrist and that's not a good judge because I have short little fat fingers. Here's what it told me:
Ideal weight range is 152 - 167.2 lbs. (69.1 - 76 kg.).
You are overweight by 69.8 lbs. (32 kg.).
You may wish to consult with your physician for medical help

Here's what I think is happening with me: My problem is not overeating. I do not live to eat, I eat to live. I can go 2-3 meals without realizing I haven't eaten until I start getting shakey and sick (it really does take a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!!). What my problem is is WHAT I eat, not how much of it I eat. My biggest struggle with "dieting" or lifestyle changes is actually adding meals to places I'm currently not accustomed to. My calories come primarily from Dr. Pepper. Because I do not eat regularly, my poor body hangs onto whatever junk I put into my mouth because there's no telling when I'll eat again. I've never gotten over 250lbs and I think(imho) that is attributed ONLY to the fact that my poor body is using it's fat stores to keep me alive. If I ate regularly, 3 meals a day, I'd weigh considerably more.

Here's how I figure it: Between now and Christmas is 5 months/20 weeks/150 days. I want to be to 199, BELOW 200, by Christmas. According to my shoddy math skills, that means in the next 20 weeks I must lose approx. 40lbs. Which means 2lbs a week. According to my research a weight loss of 2lbs a wk is a healthy weight loss and is a very attainable goal.

Here's how I plan on doing it: When I give up the Dr. Pepper (which I will absolutely HAVE to do cold turkey and suffer the headaches because I've come to accept the fact that I am an addict and have absolutely no self control with it) and start drinking water, I'll drop a lot of weight very fast. In theory this is wonderful for me because it just gets me where I want to be quicker, but alas, it will taper off. I am not overly interested in losing it all super quick, if I wanted a super quick weight loss, I'd just get pregnant because that's the only time I lose significant amounts of weight quickly (I really am a backwards person, I know) and since that is a "HELL NO" option ... gotta do it the good ole fashioned way :)

Step One: Give up the Dr.P. I already know it's bad for me in my head, and I know it's bad for me physically because it makes me sick everytime I drink it. Think I'd give it up, huh? Duh me. Switch to drinking water only which will be a sacrifice because I'd almost rather lick dirt off the floor.

Step Two: Water Aerobics. Walking. Riding my bike with the kids. In other personal changes I am making in regards to my relationship with my ex, which I am not going to get into here, I need to spend a lot less time in the same places he is. I have decided that to accomplish this formerly difficult task I am going to go walking or ride my bike while he is here with the kids. He walks in, I walk out. I also have two grocery stores within a mile of my house. Reams is within walking distance, Macey's is within biking distance. If I have to go to the grocery store for something, I'm going to start walking or riding my bike. I'm also looking into belly-dancing and Tae Kwon Do with my midgies! I am also going to run a 5k in April!!!

Step Three: Obviously, my diet. I'm going to have to literally force myself to eat 3 meals a day and some healthy snacks. This is going to require a lot of adjustment to my currently high laziness and lack of ability/desire to cook whatsoever. I am starting weight watchers next week with my sister so that will give me some idea's on meal planning and what to eat.

Step Four: I'll only weigh once a week at the WW meetings.

I have been divorced now for 4 days shy of 18 months (but who's counting, right?). It's been a very long, very painful, very miserable 18 months indeed. When I cry to my friends about when the pain will stop they always tell me "Give it a year". A YEAR?! Are you effing kidding me? That's 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 MONTHS!! I can't do a year, I need it fixed NOW. Last night while my mind was open, listening, racing I started to do the math. If I can consistently lose 2lbs a week(that's 2lbs in ONLY 7 days!!) with diet and exercise, and keep that up beyond my 40lb-by-Christmas goal, by May of next year (my 36th b-day) I'll have lost 80lbs. By this time next year, at 2lbs a week, I'll have lost almost 100lbs and almost be to my goal weight (140). When I realized that my mind was on FIRE! Literally, I was so excited by the idea of "GIVE ME A YEAR!" I could hardly sleep!! Just give me ONE YEAR! Something that previously seemed so out of sight, so unattainable, now seems like such a short span of time! This short little year is going to give me an entirely new life in so many ways!! All I have to do is 3 meals a day! That is so calcuable! I don't have to worry about next week until next week, I just have to make it from breakfast to dinner. One simple day at a time. I joke that when I got divorced I lost 195lbs. Well, now all I have left is 100lbs of baggage and I am good to go!!

I really hope that if anyone takes the time to read this that they get motivated by it, that they'll want to make changes as well, and most of all, that they'll go on this journey with me. JUST GIVE US A YEAR!!

Also, just a side note: I realize that 140lbs is slightly unrealistic. My dream of looking like Jennifer Aniston is also a bit unrealistic as well. However, I'd be happy with 160. My goal isn't as much the # on the scale as it is the muscle tone and the dress size. I want to be in an 8/10. Danger with this is that I've always said that the Lord made me fat because I'd be immodest otherwise ... guess here's my chance to prove myself wrong :)


For anyone interested in being an "accountability partner" with me ... let's do it. Here's where I am: Today I weighed 237 (FU to anyone who calls me a "fat chick"). I am crammed with Dr's appts this week but am starting Water Aerobics on M/W next wk as well as Weight Watchers. I am also going for attempt #2(hundred)of giving up the Dr. P ... What's your plan?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Baby Steps

In 2007 after finding out about ex's first affair I was broken beyond repair. My mother came over and found me curled up in the bottom of the bathtub with a kitchen knife. He tried to call & my mother answered the phone & yelled at him "Haven't you already done ENOUGH DAMAGE?!" I was so angry at HER for talking to him that way. 3 1/2 years later I sit here wondering why I wasn't yelling that for MYSELF? It's time.

Forgiveness. I am the person whom I need to forgive. I've doled out forgiveness to him as if it were available on tap ... however to myself? I am not even sure how to begin. Why should I seek forgiveness for something I did not do? I did not cheat? I did not *make* him cheat ... what do I need to forgive myself for?

As the old saying goes "it takes two to tango". I was present in my marriage, so I know the dynamic. There is much that I must seek forgiveness for, not for the affair as that was his
choice, but I was 50% of a relationship and I am far from guiltless as I am far from perfect, free of mistakes, bad habits and bad choices. I cast no stones at William for his choices, it is not mine to judge him. But today, I'm learning, like a baby finally ready to let go of the safety of mom's hand for the first time and try her new wobbly legs, how to let go, how to protect me, how to love me and how to forgive me.

I have no friends in which to confide. I have no friends who I can call this late at night in my tears, and my sadness because I've already cried to the three I had and they've been so wonderful and long suffering with me all this time. But now, I have to get it out of my head, out of my heart ... as unprivate as it is, this is my private diary. I welcome anyone to ignore me, comment as they wish, offer up encouragement as much as disapproval. I have to be responsible to *somebody* in order to make myself change... to *finally* let go of all that has held me prisoner for so long and this is the only way I can think of to do it, from the rooftops.

I did take ownership for his affairs and have (and I say have and not HAD because this is something I am still trying to change) done my very, very best trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions at the great sacrifice of myself, my heart, my mind and most importantly, my soul.

And this is where I sit now, lie rather, curled up in a ball in the bottom of my bathtub with a kitchen knife (not literally of course!) and this is where *I* finally stand up and yell "ENOUGH!" As much to William as to the broken girl in the mirror. This is where I finally take back all I have lost over the last 3 1/2 years in not protecting, shielding and loving ME.