Baby Steps

In 2007 after finding out about ex's first affair I was broken beyond repair. My mother came over and found me curled up in the bottom of the bathtub with a kitchen knife. He tried to call & my mother answered the phone & yelled at him "Haven't you already done ENOUGH DAMAGE?!" I was so angry at HER for talking to him that way. 3 1/2 years later I sit here wondering why I wasn't yelling that for MYSELF? It's time.

Forgiveness. I am the person whom I need to forgive. I've doled out forgiveness to him as if it were available on tap ... however to myself? I am not even sure how to begin. Why should I seek forgiveness for something I did not do? I did not cheat? I did not *make* him cheat ... what do I need to forgive myself for?

As the old saying goes "it takes two to tango". I was present in my marriage, so I know the dynamic. There is much that I must seek forgiveness for, not for the affair as that was his
choice, but I was 50% of a relationship and I am far from guiltless as I am far from perfect, free of mistakes, bad habits and bad choices. I cast no stones at William for his choices, it is not mine to judge him. But today, I'm learning, like a baby finally ready to let go of the safety of mom's hand for the first time and try her new wobbly legs, how to let go, how to protect me, how to love me and how to forgive me.

I have no friends in which to confide. I have no friends who I can call this late at night in my tears, and my sadness because I've already cried to the three I had and they've been so wonderful and long suffering with me all this time. But now, I have to get it out of my head, out of my heart ... as unprivate as it is, this is my private diary. I welcome anyone to ignore me, comment as they wish, offer up encouragement as much as disapproval. I have to be responsible to *somebody* in order to make myself change... to *finally* let go of all that has held me prisoner for so long and this is the only way I can think of to do it, from the rooftops.

I did take ownership for his affairs and have (and I say have and not HAD because this is something I am still trying to change) done my very, very best trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions at the great sacrifice of myself, my heart, my mind and most importantly, my soul.

And this is where I sit now, lie rather, curled up in a ball in the bottom of my bathtub with a kitchen knife (not literally of course!) and this is where *I* finally stand up and yell "ENOUGH!" As much to William as to the broken girl in the mirror. This is where I finally take back all I have lost over the last 3 1/2 years in not protecting, shielding and loving ME.