Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Pipe Dreams

It occurred to me today that I was robbed. At midnight last New Years, I got a kiss from my husband with the promise that we would spend the rest of the year together. Our divorce was final on December 24th. I got jipped out of 7 days.

Been having a hard time with Jade the last couple of days. I'm not sure what her deal is. I really feel like a failure as a parent most of the time because between them fighting and arguing and hitting each other I've got Jade who does absolutely NOTHING without a fight and Brylin who screams these horrible ear piercing screams constantly. I'm quite surprised no one has called DCFS yet. I think I'm mostly tired today, it's been a long year.

I'm starting a parenting strategies for single parents class on the 14th. I'm a bit nervous as I always get when I do something new like that. I don't like doing stuff alone. Last February I went and saw Lord of the Rings alone and enjoyed it, and I even took a cooking type class alone so this should be easy. I might meet some new people, and expand my "network". That would be nice.

Saturday is the first overnight time with the kids for Will. When he gets off work on Saturday evening and comes here, I'm going to leave. I think my friend Janice and I are going to go to Wiseguys for some good laughs and then I'm going to spend the night at my mom's and go to church on Sunday at my ward and then come home since they won't be here and take a good, long, well deserved Sunday afternoon nap.

I've set a goal for myself to read the entire Book of Mormon this year. I've already started. The kids and I have also started saying family prayer and I am teaching them to say their individual prayers. Last night they asked Heavenly Father to bring Daddy home. It made me sad.

Will came by last night. It was a good visit for he and the kids. He helped Kydrun put his new bike together. It makes me sad to see how weary he is. It might be my foolish optimism to think that he's just settling and that he wants to come home. I asked him about it and he said "I guess we'll see how things go". He's got a long ways to come before I'd consider reconciling but I'd be willing to stand by him through it if he's willing to do the work and prove that he's willing to sacrifice and be faithful. I've got my head in the clouds and I'm smoking a pipe dream I think.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The end of a time

It's been a long year and it's all whipped by me so fast I have whiplash.

In a manner of, quite literally 8 weeks, my marriage of 8+ years was over. We filed on Dec 5; he moved out on Dec 7 and moved in with another "woman"; divorce was final on the 24th. I'm still numb. This would be easier if he wasn't wonderful. He still makes me laugh, and still makes me smile. He's still my best friend. He's not my "Ex-Husband". We've decided to call each other "Co-Parents" instead. It's less harsh.

I've decided that I need to start the incredibly late journey of discovering exactly who I am. I thought I knew once, a long time ago ... but I am not sure I even knew then. My goal is to be positive, uplifting, and full of the Spirit. I'm working on getting my temple recommend back. My brother and sister in law just went through the temple and got sealed and I'm excited to go do sessions with my mom, my sister and brother in law and brother and sister in law! It's been a long time coming, but I need the Lord more than ever now. I have a To Do list of things I want to accomplish, and do for myself to help me find out who exactly I am. It should be interesting. I have several wonderful guy friends who have offered to come to the house when I go on dates with their shotguns to make sure I don't make any wrong steps when I get to the dating stage ... got awhile to do that yet!!

Jade is 7. She will be 8 in March. I'm going to ask my brother to baptize her. She is in the ALPS program, which she thoroughly loves. She's thriving and learning faster than I can keep up. She takes a great deal of pride in the fact that while working with her on her math homework, I was getting all of the answers wrong. She is going to need a tutor. She's finally getting some of her front teeth back although lost another the eve of Christmas eve! Her favorite animal is the Snow Leopard and her goal in life is to become a Zoologist. She's going to start taking a college course to become a Vet Assistant in this upcoming year so that she can work toward her goals and hopefully work at a vets office a few hours a week. Jade has a Best Friend/Boy Friend who we're keeping an eye on named Nate.

Kydrun is 6, turned 6 in October. He is doing great. He's having a hard time adjusting to the major life changes occurring in his life right now, but his Dad and I are working hard on settling him down and making it as easy for him, and the girls, as possible. He is in Kindergarten now and LOVES Mrs. Asay. He's learning so quickly and his writing is getting fantastic. It's been so fun to watch him blossom. He's a full-fledged boy!! Kydrun is sneaky and LOVES to snack. It is not unusual to catch him in the cupboards at 4am. He's a super helper and by far my loviest kid! He's a mini-me of his Dad, in looks and personality and he's a total womanizer although he is still convinced that he is going to marry Hannah.

Brylin is 4 1/2 now and such a big girl. She is joy wrapped up in little folds of pink skin. She makes EVERYONE smile and has a charisma that is addicting. Her cuteness is what keeps her from getting trouble for being mouthy and defiant and she knows it. She's my screamer and I find myself uttering the same words my mother uttered to me "I hope you get one JUST LIKE YOU!" when she screams. Her screams are ear piercing. She is in Pre-K and loves her teacher Miss Lisa. She will get to "graduate" with a cap and gown at the end of the year. Thankfully, there are no boyfriends yet.

I guess I'm doing this blog thing for myself. So I can keep notes and keep track of myself. I need to get some of it out of my head sometimes, it gets too hard to think.