Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Am I in love?

My world has just changed.

It's been an emotionally stressful weekend dealing with everything. I feel healed and I feel lost at the same time ... but now what have I done to myself?

My friend Tyler has been such a great support to me this week. He's such a good listener and understands so much of the pain that I feel. It's nice having someone I can talk to.

Sitting in church today was so difficult. After Sacrament meeting I went out and sat in my car, and cried. I texted Tyler, who called me so we could talk. He asked me what was wrong, I hem-hawed about it but finally said words I didn't think I ever would ... or should. "I am confused. I am starting to have feelings for you." Umm, what now?! He wasn't surprised. He more or less said he had them too. We were both a little blown away by it. He told me he was basically waiting for me to say it... chicken.

I could not have chosen a better person to fall for but, one glitch ... a major one. He's married. ERK! He's been separated from his wife for a year now, hasn't actually seen or spoken to her in about that same amount of time. He filed for divorce within days of moving out of their home, so it's not like he's "married" to her really. I know, I know, justifications.

A few weeks back I went to help him straighten up his apartment, unpack some boxes that needed to be unpacked for a year of him living there. Just hanging out as friends. He was in kneeling on the floor with his drill trying to fix his kitchen table and I walked over to the counter and just said to myself while listing things I needed to finish, "Oh, I need some tape."  I turned to finish something else up and within moments I had tape in my hand. He had heard me say I needed tape, stopped what he was doing and went and got me tape, without being asked. I think I knew right then that this was a very special man, and that my feelings for him were more than I had been letting on that they were. It seems so silly, he just got me the tape, ya know? But he did it without me asking, or having to beg, or having to do it myself or just accepting that it would never get done. He put what I was doing as equal to, or above what he was doing. It was amazing. He's so thoughtful like that, and kind. At about 2am, when we got sick of working, we sat down on his couch and just started talking. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird. It was just natural. It just flowed seamlessly. We talked about everything and about nothing all at the same time. At about 8am I finally went home. We'd spent all those hours talking, it was amazing. He told me that he spoke more to me that night than he had to his wife in the last year of their marriage. I sort of felt the same way about William. I mean, we spoke, but at the same time, we didn't. We had two topics, 1. The kids 2. His work. That was it. But Tyler and I spoke endlessly about music, books, kids, marriages, life, religion. It was just amazing.

A couple of weeks after that I was going to go down to a "Dive Experience" at a scuba shop where a friend of mine works. Since I'm scuba certified but haven't been in the water at all since I was pregnant with Kydrun, I thought it would be fun to go refresh my memory. I asked Tyler if he'd like to go with me. I knew, from our many conversations that he is a very introverted homebody. I didn't expect him to go with me, but he surprised me and went! I was excited that he decided to get out, get away and do something totally new to him. It was a lot of fun, except I lost my contacts in the pool! OOPS! We decided to go to an IHOP for dinner afterward but couldn't find one open, so we ended up at a Village Inn.

It's just so nice to spend time with him. He's so easy to be around. So easy to talk to, and oh my goodness, he's FUNNY! He doesn't think he's funny, and he's rarely ever actually trying to be funny, but man does he ever make me laugh! It's so nice to be around someone like him. He's just so ... amazing.

I sort of think I've known. I know William has known. He's been telling me for a long time that I am in love with him (meaning Tyler, not meaning himself). When he saw Tyler at Kydrun's birthday party he said "He loves you, too." Jean even said he was in love with me, she could tell by the way he watched me and looked at me. I think he was just looking at me like I'm a psycho firecracker he's afraid of ... But maybe that's just me.

Well, it seems they were both right. I think I DO love him. I think I have opened my heart to him. I think I do want to see where this goes despite my extreme fear of where it will go. Then again, I think I already know where it's going to go in the long run.

Am I in love?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I'll get through this, too.

I just had the wind knocked out of me.

Got onto facebook to find a changed relationship status for William to 'Engaged'.

I'm not sure why this has struck me so deeply, so thoroughly and so painfully.

Yes I am.

He has told me for the last 2 years "I'm never getting married again." He decided that marriage wasn't worth the hassle. "I'm not the marrying type." He didn't want the commitment. Over and over he told me part of why we got divorced, why he strayed was because he was just not meant to be married... And now he's engaged.

Two days ago, I asked him if he was going to marry this girl. He said no.

Why do I care so much?! This is ridiculous. We've been divorced for 2 years, our marriage was over for MOST of the marriage!

Why does he get to fall in love, be happy & have a happy ending when he stole so much from me, destroyed so much of me?! I tried to be a good wife, to keep him happy. I know I sucked, I know I failed ... But I tried. Instead of being honorable, faithful, ... he just decided to leave the marriage. To go bed down with another woman. I even got an std from him. Thankfully it was a curable one!!

Here I sit. Alone. Single. Sad. & three kids.

It isn't fair. None of this has been fair. HE should be the one sad. He should be the one alone. He should be the one who aches inside for all he lost. But he doesn't. He never has. He crushed me and never looked back. Now he's moving on with someone else.

I didn't know what to do. I broke down and sobbed. I called my friend Tyler & he came over & sat with me, put his arm around me & let me cry. He's so strong, still and quiet. He brought me twinkies and a pineapple, two of my comfort foods. He is so sweet.

I'll get through this. I got through, "I don't love you anymore & there is somebody else." I got through the many confessions of infidelity. I got through the coming home and then the "I want a divorce". I got through spending Christmas Eve's alone so he could be with his girlfriends. I got through divorcing and losing my best friend & my extended family. I can get through this.

I cannot believe he didn't give me, OR the kids a heads up... he told facebook before he even told his own kids.

Friday, October 8, 2010


My New Therapist Link

I think it's time I get a therapist. I think this guy would do me some good...