Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Saturday, January 26, 2013


This is my son Kydrun & his best friend Payton.  Both beautiful & both the strongest & most courageous people I know. 


Oh I need to sleep!

I love my children, all 9 germ infested one of them.  I've been lying here trying to pretend I'm on my deathbed for the last couple of days, it's been awesome fun.  To prevent my nose from running and the constant wiping and sore nose that inevitably follows, I've taken to shoving toilet paper up my nose.  Between that and the "sicky smell", the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, whining etc... It's a wonder my Sweetheart hasn't moved out. I'm sick of me, I can't imagine how he isn't. 

It's been a long couple of weeks.  Since my Sweethearts fantastic ex got her visitation suspended, we haven't had our every other weekend "re-coup" time.  It's been hard.  I am completely in love with my kids though.  Normally, well, not normally, but historically when I couldn't sleep like this I'd clean.  I'd do laundry, dishes, vacuum the ceiling ... all sorts of things.  But as I laid here contemplating what I could do in these unwanted waken moments at 3:30am, I have absolutely nothing to do.  The kids are so good about doing their chores, helping out with dinner, doing their own laundry.  They're just an amazing bunch of little people and I am sure proud of them. 

So this being sick thing has wreaked havoc in my "diet".  I don't feel good enough to eat anything, so I've gone several meals without eating.  I had McDonalds breakfast today though.  I weighed myself, at some point I can't remember exactly when it was in the last couple of days, it's all been fairly hazy.  I gained a pound this week.  Not too shabby given the number of times I've not eaten or shoved donuts down my gullet.  Not sure what my thing is with the donuts ... weird choice of cheat foods.  It's all good.  I'm on the mend and tomorrow is another day. 
I am still not ready to tell my "truth".  I told the one person whose opinion means just about as much as my Sweethearts.  She took it well, as I knew in my heart she would.  She was supportive and helpful and cheerleaderish as always.  I sure love that woman and am grateful everyday for her.  She's my most favoritest red-head alive ... and I have a lot of favorite red-heads so that is saying something. 

I've sort of lost steam for my new "lifestyle" the last week or so.  It just seems that my life is so busy that it's just easier to eat out of a box than focus on what I am serving.  I think what's got me frustrated is that I am preparing one food for me and another for my family.  I don't like knowing that I am feeding them foods that might potentially lead them down the same path that I took.  My poor Jade is shaped just like her Mama ... she's not heavy by any stretch, but she is extremely curvy and if she's not careful, those curves will just get curvier.  My 13 year old is also unfortunate on the genetic scale.  She's 5'9"and nothing but legs and a fantastic curvy body.  Other than her height, she is shaped like I imagine her mother is (I've only ever seen her mother once standing up and she is quite heavy at this point).  Aurora has a fantastic set of hips and is shapely and gorgeous, but that fantastic set of hips can be her undoing if she's not careful.  The rest of the kids all seem to have a genetic predisposition to being thin w/ high metabolisms.  It just takes planning.  For instance, last week I made sloppy joes.  Easy enough, I bought 95/5 ground beef, multigrain thin sandwich things (it's too early in the morning for me to recall what they are actually called) for the buns and then... whammo... the sloppy joe mix.  One of the first ingredients on it was high fructose corn syrup, ERK.  I hate feeding that crap to my kids.  With better planning I could have made my own sloppy joe mix.  I really need to just stop being lazy and plan.

It's nearly 4am.  I have to get up in a couple of hours because we're going to go have a meeting w/ a woman at a place called Autism Journeys.  We suspect Jade has aspergers (sp).  If not, we need to do some further work to find out exactly what her deal is.  It's going to be a very long day.  I guess I better go get some sleep. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


So, I'm in a better place today. 

I've been steadily weeding the sugar back out of my diet that I allowed to slip back in because I'm lazy, glutinous and have no self-control.  For breakfast I had Kashi Go Lean (which STILL tastes like cardboard) w/ strawberries. It was pretty good. I skipped lunch because I was out being overly busy as a mom and just didn't have time for anything but fast food so I decided nothing was better than that.  Dinner was KFC because I was gone from 11am to 8pm today and just simply didn't have time to prepare anything.  I was careful on portion sizes, which I swear is half this countries problem and is 100% of my children's problem.  I haven't checked in on myfitnesspal all weekend.  As my previous posts have shown, I've been sort of "off" lately and just couldn't bring myself to care enough to even check in.  I'm working on getting back on that wagon and will try to log today's stuff, if I remember as it's already 12:30 and I am totally sacked.

I'd like to rattle on about something unrelated to weight, too.  So if you are only checking in for that, now's a good time to bail. 

In May 1998 I left my home & flew to Columbus Ohio to serve an 18 month long mission for my church.  I served around a whole lot of missionaries, I served with some amazing and fantastic sisters.  But I honestly feel like it was a wasted 18 months of my life.  I truly do not feel like I made an impact on anybody in Ohio.  I made some good friends, that I am very thankful to ... But I just didn't exist in Ohio. 

Well, I just deleted most of everything I was going to say because earlier today my father informed me that I expect the world to revolve around me and the way that post read it certainly did seem that way, although that's not how I feel. 

I'll find some more motivating weight loss stuff to post about tomorrow and try to avoid the personal stuff. 

Sunday, January 20, 2013


So when I am angry I eat.  When I am stressed I craved sugar, or my "alcohol", Dr. Pepper.  Today, my kids are stressing me out equally as bad as they are pissing me off.  So, to get back at them ... Because I'm smart like this, I drove down to the store, bought not one, but SIX donuts and a 20oz Dr. Pepper. 

I haven't eaten yet today, it's 5:15pm.  I didn't eat yesterday that I can recall except 4 pieces of pizza for dinner.

Clearly I am not thinking.  After one and a half donuts and 10oz of my 20oz Dr. Pepper my stomach is turning.  Serves me right.

I just can't quite get my head in the right place lately.  Nothing is working right.  I am just not happy.  I don't want to diet anymore because it doesn't matter.  Why should I?  I'm always going to be fat, I am always going to hate my body, I am always going to be unhappy ... So why try? 

And whoever said that "alcohol" and donuts makes everything better lied. 

Oh, and I bought my little Dragon a pepperoni meat stick thingy too because a 7lb dog needs to binge eat too. 

Why am I in such a bad place?

Friday, January 18, 2013


The Truth is... very difficult to say out loud.  I fear judgement & ridicule.

Here's what I am willing to say right now;  I am afraid of success with this lifestyle change.  I am afraid that I will find "one-derland" only for the weight to creep back on.  I am afraid to lose the weight because of all of my excess skin that has stretched out to accommodate the fat.  I am afraid that if I am successful and I do lose the weight that I will still find myself repugnant and repulsive.  I am afraid that I will lose the weight and my husband will no longer find me attractive.  He told me once (and I am sure I'll be in trouble for saying this on the internet), that he likes my large round bottom. He likes that there is something to hold onto.  I am afraid that if I lose the weight he won't want to anymore.  I am afraid that I will never actually find success on this lifestyle change no matter how hard I try.  I am afraid that I will never find the strength mentally, or physically (especially physically) to be able to exercise without pain (and not the good kind of pain).  I secretly feel like I am in a competition with my ex-husbands wife because she is so incredibly motivated and so hugely successful and I feel like such a failure & I don't want her to think I am just the fat, lazy person who her husband left.  I feel like I am in competition with my husbands ex-wife because I want to be prettier, thinner, better than her (which at this point given her behavior I am afraid is not difficult to do).  I am trying to get my head around a lifestyle change to lose weight that doesn't include pregnancy.  I lost so much weight when I was pregnant it was easy.  After my 1st pregnancy I got into a size 12 dress.  I was as thin as I was in high school.  I am afraid that this will take more of me than there is to give.  I am afraid that if I do finally get to where I want to be that I will still never look like I want to. I'm afraid to admit that I am the one that did this but that I am unable to undo it.

The truth is that I am morbidly obese.  I have tried everything I could think of to lose the weight.  I've joined gym's, had personal trainers, tried protein shakes, slim fast, no fat, veggie, only fruit, only grapefruit diets, I've tried a diet that consisted of eating only rice.  I've tried HCG.  I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Curves. I've tried Hoodia, Ali, Phen/Fen, the over the counter version of phen/fen that started with an S I can't for the life of me remember.  I've tried books. I've tried working out with my sister, having her give me a work out regiment that I followed but never lost. I've tried biking, walking, swimming, working out at the gym at the apartments where I lived.  I've tried video's, Wii fit, walking my kids to school and home.  I've tried biking to the grocery store.  I've tried infomercial promises like 6 week body make over.  I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to lose this weight. Only for the scale to fall slightly and then creep higher. 

 The truth is ... I'm not ready to tell the entire truth out loud yet.

Thursday, January 17, 2013


I seriously have a frozen brain tonight.  I'm probably too tired.  Either way, I'm not sure I can formulate any coherent thoughts (especially since I had to sit here for a minute to even remember the word coherent and I've spelled it wrong both times I've tried to type it).  So, I'm out for tonight and I'll ramble on about nothing tomorrow. 

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


So today I fell off the wagon ... well I took a running tip-toe-through-the-tulips leap off the wagon. 

It was an  intentional jump.  I had been considering it since yesterday; I considered my options, my reasoning, the possible outcomes; the pro's and con's.  I seriously gave this a lot of thought & made an informed choice.  The difference this time on my dive is that I feel like I can swim.  I feel positive, I feel committed.  All throughout my life I have been unable/unwilling to make a change on any day but a Monday. I truly had a hang up that prevented me from letting go and allowing myself to start over on a Wednesday or Friday ... it always had to be on Monday.  So if I gave up Dr. Pepper on Monday, screwed up on Thursday, it was hopeless and there was no use trying at all until Monday again. Monday'd roll around and I'd recommit.  It was the same with big, major life changes.  Those I could only do at the beginning of the year.  I've been considering this lifestyle change of mine (I don't want to call it a diet, because I don't really think that's what this is, I'm not on any plan ... I'm just trying to eat right) for a couple of months, been thinking on it, planning it, sort of mentally preparing for it ... but I just couldn't start, not until the first of the year.  But somehow this time is different.  I didn't start any of this on January 1st, I actually think I started on the 9th, which also wasn't a Monday ... it was a Wednesday.  Also, I feel like I took my proverbial (and slightly literal) leap into the delicious land of super-highly-fattening carbs and even though tomorrow is Thursday I'm fully prepared to set all of the crap aside & move on to bigger and better things.  It feels different, it feels good to be committed to a change in lifestyle.  I feel better about me.  So for today:

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


This is not a weight related post. This just a "I need an outlet" post.

A couple of weeks ago our oldest daughter (she's 15) lost her phone privileges & we took her cell phone.  We found on her phone conversations with her mother (she's my step daughter) where her mother was participating in what the therapists call "Parental Poisoning".  What this consisted of were message upon message where she called my husband a liar, said that we are bad people, went so far as to say "Tell them Kim is not a member of the family either, she's just a crazy abusive bitch" and so on and so forth.  She tried to set up a time when she could "accidentally" run into our daughter at the mall outside of the court ordered supervision she is required to have.  She said "I'll break every law in the world for you baby girl" to which our daughter had to be the adult & said "No, don't break the law".  For anyone who has read the conversations my Sweetheart's ex sounds like an angry sibling to our daughter, not her mother.  We submitted the conversations to the Special Master (A Special Master, in law, is an authority appointed by a judge to make sure that judicial orders are actually followed. In our case, the divorce decree) who found them as starkly disturbing as we did & suspended all of the ex's visitation until she completes a certain set of requirements.  She has lost all of her ability to see/talk to/communicate with the kids at all. 

Today DCFS (Department of Child and Family Services) called my husband with a list of accusations such as: We discipline the kids by shooting them with a bb gun, we make them go a week without eating as a form of discipline, we only feed them peanut butter & jelly, my husband has put our 13 year old son in a head lock, that one of our daughters was sexually abused & nothing was done about it, that we make them do chores ... I am so stressed, so frustrated.  I know this is her lashing out, I know it's just her way of saying "If I can't see the kids, I'm going to do what I can to make it so you can't either" ... But I do not understand how she feels THIS is in the kids best interests?!  How can she feel that having them yanked out of class to go be asked all of these intimidating questions by DCFS, not knowing if they're going to say the wrong thing, is good for the kids?  I get that she's angry, or whatever ... But all she is doing is hurting the kids!!  What if, God forbid, DCFS decides these ridiculous allegations are true ... they'll take the kids! But they won't go to their mother, they'll go into STATE CUSTODY!! They'll all get separated, sent to different places & then we'll have to fight the state to get them back. We think that she believes she'll get them away from us, which she won't ... and it's scary to consider what could possibly happen to them!! 

I just wish she would pay attention, I wish she would realize that the choices SHE is making is what is creating all of this chaos in her children's lives!!  I wish she would grow up, stop acting like a teenager & take responsibility for her actions. 

I am just so frustrated. :(

Onward & Downward

Well, we did it!  My Sweetheart, 2 of our sons and one of our daughters (not the one I thought it'd be though) exercised tonight for 15 minutes.  Turns out my Sweetheart and I are not just fat ... we're grossly out of shape and our kids ran circles around us.  Go fig.  I ended up doing a lot of marching in place with big arms to keep my heart rate up, but I'm proud of myself for even the smallest of efforts tonight because it's the first step for me and that's huge.  I told the kids "Tomorrow night?" and they all cheered.  So, I guess we exercise if for no other reason than to keep the kids happy! 

I weighed myself today.  It's the first time since the nutritionists office.  If my scale is correct, which it has been pretty accurate thus far, I have officially lost 12lbs to date.  I'm sure most if it is water weight since I've given up the soda (mostly), and changed my eating habits.  I'm looking forward to that number continuing to go down. 

To send out virtual kudo's to someone who probably doesn't read this (which is totally okay), my ex-wife (let me explain: She is actually my ex's new wife, so I call her my ex-wife... get it?) has lost in the last 10ish days 17lbs.  She's amazing, truly.  She used to be quite heavy & through nothing but her own will power (hahaha, Will power ...) she was able to lose hundreds of pounds.  She's fabulous & shapely just like a woman should be.  I admire her self-motivation (I certainly wish I had a teaspoon of it!).  

So onward & upward... or rather onward & downward we shall go!

Monday, January 14, 2013


 Oh I HATE MORNINGS!!  I don't sleep well, I have sleep apnea & fibromyalgia and both have a tendency to screw w/ my ability to have a restful night.  Needless to say, I'm already DNA deep not a morning person, but add on a bad nights sleep & it just gets worse.  Thankfully, in addition to the FM & apnea, I also have bipolar, so once in awhile I get to where I can't sleep even though I really, really want to.  Not in one of those fantastic spells right now though, so sleep I must.

Because of my over-need of sleep & my basic DNA make up that says mornings are of the devil I didn't get up this morning and exercise.  No excuses really ... I just really, really didn't want to get up.  My Sweetheart did try to wake me, but I just couldn't wake up enough to move (and I secretly think he didn't want to do it either so he didn't push it too much).  However, two of my sons and now one of my daughters wants to get up and exercise with us in the morning so I suppose I need to get my lazy sleep-deprived backside to bed.  Goodnight.

Let's all do better tomorrow.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Here Goes!

Starting at 6:30a Monday morning 1/14/2013 my Sweetheart & I are going to start exercising together.  We've invited two of our sons to exercise along, but mostly because we'll be exercising right above their bedroom.  Here's what we're going to do:
I figure with as sedentary as I have been for the last ... oh ... forever ... That I'd better start small.  I'm so thankful that my Sweetheart is so willing to do it with me, so I do not have to try to motivate myself, so I do not have to do it all alone.  I'm also going to *try* to do a walk everyday but with the temperatures dropping to below zero when it's dark I'm thinking FORGET IT! I'll walk when it's warm outside.  So, here goes!!!

My brand of Heroin

 Oh my goodness!  Today has been AWFUL! Well, that's not entirely true.  I had a fantastic sleep in w/ my Sweetheart & had a so-so breakfast (Kashi Go Lean tastes a little like sawdust in milk) & then 3 edifying hours at church. After church we had slow cooker pork chops w/ mashed taters & green beans (I skipped the taters of course) ...

But then the SNACKIES hit! Holy cow!! I was craving sweets, sugar, ANYTHING. I ate an apple... didn't help.  I treated myself to 4 chocolate truffles (210 calories for just 4 of them!!).  My Sweetheart brought me a brownie and a scoop of ice cream from the fireside he attended w/ the kids and now I'm eating a fruit smoothy w/ protein (which is disgusting by the way, I'm gagging it down).  What is my problem?!

I read something the other day:

Dr. Mark Hyman confirmed the addicting nature of sugar in a 2011 Huffington Post article.
"The science demonstrating that people can be biologically addicted to sugar in the same way we can be addicted to heroin, cocaine or nicotine is clear. ... In fact, most recovering alcoholics often switch to another easily available drug: sugar," Hyman wrote.

 Heroin or cocaine ... how true.  Several years ago, due to a severe lack in judgement on my part (not to mention completely ignoring the Spirit) I ended up in jail for 4 days. It's a pathetic & humiliating memory.  Anyway, while I was in there there were several women who were having withdrawals from heroin. Their withdrawals were so bad. They screamed, cursed, banged their heads on their windows... It was awful & painful to listen to.  Today while withdrawing from the sugar it was my only focus. It was all I wanted.  If I didn't know how my son would react to it ("But Mom! You said you weren't going to drink DP anymore! *sad face*") I would totally have gotten into that Dr. Pepper that one of the kids put into the fridge.  If it weren't for the fact that one of my daughters said I wouldn't make it a week on this diet, I would totally have eaten the entire bag of truffles. 

I fear I'll never be able to get it out of my system. I fear the sugar will always have control over me.  I fear I'll end up hunched up in a corner w/ one fist full of chocolate cake and the other w/ a Dr. Pepper.  It's a scary ugly picture. 

 I am a sugar-addict.


Do desperate times really call for desperate measures? I believe I am the poster child for this particular question of the universe. How desperate am I to lose weight? Not desperate to exercise, yet. BUT, I found this online:

Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast and on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. When taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

Cool!! So if I drink honey and cinnamon powder I can lose weight WITHOUT effort?! So I googled it. I found another site that said the same thing, only gave the recipe:

Cinnamon and Honey formula for weight loss:
This should be prepared at night before going to bed.

1. Use 1 part cinnamon to 2 parts raw honey. 1/2 tsp cinnamon to 1 tsp honey is recommended but can use more or less as long as in the ratio of 1 to 2. --- so 1 tsp cinnamon to 2 tsp raw honey is ok too as an example.
2. Boil 1 cup...that is 8 oz of water.
3. Pour water over cinnamon and cover and let it steep for 1/2 hour..(30 minutes)
4. Add honey now that it has cooled. Never add honey when it is hot as the heat will destroy the enzymes and other nutrients in the raw honey.
5. Drink 1/2 of this directly before going to bed. The other 1/2 should be covered and refrigerated.
6. In the morning drink the other half that you refirgerated...but do not re-heat it...drink it cold or at room temp only.
Do not add anything else to this recipe. No lemon, no lime, no vinegar. It is not necessary to drink it more time in a is only effective on an empty stomach and primarily at night.

This works for most people. Inches are lost before any measurement on the scales. This program will cause significant inches lost...but you will reach a plateau and may not lose anymore. This is because the cinnamon and honey cause a cleansing effect in the digestive tract and cleans out parasites and other fungus and bacteria that slow down the digestion...causing a toxic build up. (Lowers pH) Once this is all cleaned out then you will most likely have the weight loss slow down.

Other side effects from a cleansing can occur because of toxins being released...if this occurs, cut back on how much you use or take a break.

Additionally people report increased energy, more sex drive, and feeling happier/mood enhancer.

COOL! How hard can this be?! So I tried it. Except I didn't read the directions BEFORE I went into the kitchen to prepare. All I could remember of the recipe was 2 to 1, and a t ... so therefore, it MUST have said 1 TBSP of Cinnamon to 2 TBSP of Honey ... Right?! WRONG!! OMG! I decided I'd doubled it, so I dumped half into another cup to water it down. Good enough? NO! It wasn't until I gagged down 8oz of cinnamon & honey that I came in and REchecked the recipe. I'd like quadrupled it. HAHAHAHA, that's not a mistake I'll make again. While I was gagging it down my 13yo daughter asked "Why are you drinking it if it's so disgusting?" My answer: "Desperation!"

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Couple of different things happened today:

I was browsing my "Recipes" folder on Pintrest in hopes of finding something to feed the kids tomorrow night that I might also be able to enjoy.  I found a huge, huge amount of sugary recipes that looked mouthwateringly delicious.  I scrolled slowly through them going "Ohhh, that looks so good" "Oh I want that!" even though I wasn't feeling hungry.  It was all just so yummy looking!  I decided Pintrest is not my diet friend.  In Pintrests defense however I did find several recipes I pinned that were for healthy breakfasts like pancakes made out of banana's, eggs & almond milk, or butter, I can't remember.  It'll be nice to have those when I get sick of the egg whites.  I am slightly tempted to delete all of the unhealthy recipes but I am not sure I could bring myself to do it.

Something else I did today was buy a Dr. Pepper.  I was out shopping for snow clothes for my teenagers and oh my heck they were stressing me out!!  While we were checking out I went to one of those coolers by the cashiers, grabbed a DP and bought it against my Sweethearts encouragement that I didn't really want it.  YES I DID! GRRRRRRR!!!  By the time we got to the van I had settled down slightly & decided that I was not going to drink it unless I was close to homicide.  Despite having to go to 3 more stores to find the snow clothes & the kids driving me crazy, I never opened it.  I brought it in the house and set it on the counter.  I didn't put it in the fridge because then it would be cold when I had a craving or a temper tantrum ... This way I won't be tempted to drink that particular one unless it's cold, which will give me time to figure something else out. 

I found this little ecard on Pintrest in my Exercise/Motivation board.  Sure wish I could actually feel this way.  All I can think is "I WANT TO BE SKINNY!!!"  I want to buy cute clothes, I want to be able to wear a pair of super cute boots, which I currently can't because my calves are so gigantic.  I want to not have a double chin that my dog LOVES to nip at.  I want to be thinner than my husband.

I wish I could feel like I am awesome despite the size of my waist or butt.

I *DO* have a strong and capable body and a loving and passionate soul.  I believe all of these things, but even as I look at this picture of this beautiful woman I think to myself "I wish I looked that good".

I am going to be brave tonight.  I am going to go to the store & buy a measuring tape, have my Sweetheart take my measurements and take "before" pictures.  I may not post them, but I might.  I am not sure I could handle actually posting them.  I appreciate & look up to women who can/do.  I just am not sure I am that brave.  I am so self conscious all of the time and putting all of me out there would be so difficult.  So I'll give it some thought, some time.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Dieting sucks

So, today I had to get up to take my 10 year old to get some oral surgery at 7am. 7am is an ungodly time of day that should not exist.  Because I had to get up that early, IN THE SNOW, I decided I deserved one of my favorites for breakfast: McDONALDS! I hate McD's most of the time, their regular food is disgusting but their breakfast ... mmMMmmm.  I decided against my typical bacon, egg & cheese mcgriddle because of the delicious, syrupy, pancakey goodness of the buns & just got the bacon, egg & cheese bagel.  I normally get the whole meal, w/ the yummy greasy goodness of the potatoes but today, I passed on my greasy taters to my Sweetheart (as if HE needs the greasy goodness...doh).  I did keep & quite enjoyed my large orange juice, though. 

I have not craved a Dr. Pepper today, at all.  It's probably because I've been distracted & really tired (again, 7am is an ungodly time of day!!).

I skipped lunch.  I actually forgot all about it until about 2:30 when my kids came home all clamoring how they were starving to death because Mrs. Obama has cut their portion sizes into a pittance. I decided if I want to get my calories & protein in for today I'd better eat.  So, I dipped into some carrots & peanut butter. 

I did manage to overcome a huge temptation today, yea me. We had pizza for dinner because 7am IS AN UNGODLY TIME OF DAY! I was being too lazy to cook.  While ordering it, I ordered a dessert pizza ... oh again, the greasy, yummy, cinnamony goodness of dessert pizza.  ERK! The guy said, "Would you like the cinnamon or the raspberry cream?"  Oh what a predicament my sugar addiction had put me into!!  My head was screaming CINNAMON! GET THE CINNAMON!!  I'll eat half the pizza MYSELF!! YUMMM!! But logic took over and ordered the raspberry because I hate it and won't eat it (my taste buds have standards).   That was truly triumphant for me.  The way I crave sugar is the way an addict craves crack. It is truly pathetic.  Regardless, I'm proud of me & not allowing myself to just give in and start over tomorrow. 

Dieting sucks.  But being fat is worse.  My 15 year old daughter came in today to tell me very excitedly that her BMI is only 22!!  WOOHOO!! Of course it is, she's a stinkin' cute skinny little thing! She seriously is darling & a long legged waif.  She's perfectly healthy & shapely and beautiful and I was so happy that she felt good about herself and where her body is instead of obsessing over her cute little poochy tummy that ALL GIRLS have! But inside my head I said sadly, "Mine's 44". A BMI of 44.  Do you know what that means?  Nearly HALF of me is nothing but fat.  My sweet kids keep telling me I'm not fat. I love their sweet little delusional minds.  262lbs and bmi of 44 is not even fat ... The word for it is OBESE.  So, dieting sucks ... but being fat sucks worse. 

Food Log

1/9/2013   So, I went to a nutrition specialist today to see if I could get help w/ my eating disorder (which, for those of you who don't know, is starvation. Not anorexia, but I do not possess the hormone that tells my body I'm hungry so I will go for multiple meals without eating because I am just simply not hungry enough to eat). So my first step is protein, lots of protein, lots of water (oh joy), more sleep (hallelujah!) & starting w/ light exercise outside of my typical lifestyle stuff like laundry/cleaning. Oh, and btw, I got weighed today ... I told the woman she ruined my day. I clocked in at my highest weight ever (moo) 262.4

 In my search for "protein", which I automatically picture in my head as a cow ... just a cow, I found these. I don't know if this is what is meant by "protein", but I got them because it's made out of ... you guessed it ... cow.

 Found some chicken ones too that I got because everyone on a diet talks about eating a lot of chicken and fish.

Here's the nutritional information for the chicken (on the right) and the beef (on the left).


 LUNCH TIME! Today's forced lunch. About 1/3 of the chicken in the package, it said it held two servings but the servings seemed pretty large to me. Half a grapefruit, which is a stretch for me since I hate grapefruit and a GINORMOUS bottle of water (oh joy). Had to force it in since I wasn't hungry and there was a wee bit of gagging at first but I conquered and at it all, even the grapefruit (which is an ART, btw).

Turns out it's not half bad, especially with salt.  The chicken was a little weird tasting, but I am sure it's because I wasn't sure what I was expecting.

The water is another thing that's been a difficult adjustment.  "Lots of water" ... Lots of water in my previous life meant I drank a mouthful when I took my medication everyday.  Otherwise, if I was thirsty I drank Dr. Pepper... upwards of 32-44oz!! Sometimes I'd even drink it everyday.  It's a pathetic addiction that I blame on my children.  I always think of Dr. Pepper as a cigarette or a glass of alcohol.  When I'm stressed & the kids are bugging me, I just "NEED" a Dr. Pepper to calm me down!  But back to the water... drinking water means lots (and lots and lots) of trips to the bathroom.  I don't think I "feel" any better drinking this much water, but I'm only a bottles in, it'll take time I'm sure.
Dinner on my first diet day left a bit to be desired. I just had about a cup of frozen lasagna.

Here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal
922 Calories
162 Carbs
15 Fat
42 Protein

Here is what MyFitnessPal says my daily goals are in regards to the calories, carbs, fat & protein in relation to my lifestyle, weight etc...

1,850 Calories
254 Carbs
62 Fat
69 Protein 

So of course, under on the calories nearly by half ... still starving myself fat.

1/10/2013  BREAKFAST! My Achilles Heel.  Because 7am is an ungodly time of day (refer to one of my other posts) I don't normally eat breakfast because I am rarely awake to and in the mornings I'm just not hungry enough to eat.  HOWEVER, because the nutritionist told me I have to eat AT LEAST 3 meals a day, I got up and made myself breakfast. 

 4 egg whites & a ham steak.

 For lunch I attempted to have the same that I had eaten the day before, the chicken and the grapefruit, but I just never got around to eating the grapefruit & just ate the chicken.

This is a 7" salad plate, in case you wondered.

 Dinner on day two was considerably better. The picture is slightly deceiving though. I didn't eat the cucumber.  It had gotten frozen and then thawed and was just gross.  I did eat the beef & that super cute watermelon though, and both were pretty good.

After dinner I started having a really strong, almost overwhelming craving for Dr. Pepper, or sugarsugarsugarsugar. I spotted a big, solid chocolate Santa sucker one of the kids had gotten for Christmas on the shelf & zeroed in on it.  My loving, wonderful Sweetheart however is being super supportive & went in search of a better alternative to my mad craving.  He came back w/ a protein bar & a can of peaches.  That worked pretty well, for a minute.  By the end of the night I ended up having an orange danish from Maverick & a small hot chocolate (they were delish & lots and lots of sugar!)

Here's how my day looked on fitnesspal
1,639 Calories
243 Carbs
41 Fat
91 Protein

Under on Calories, but only slightly ... much better food day!

1/11/2013  Day Three I actually logged on my other post "Dieting Sucks", I ate a McDonalds bacon, egg & cheese bagel and a large orange juice. Skipped lunch & ate pizza toppings & the other half of my cutie watermelon.

Here's how it all ended up on fitnesspal:
1,625 Calories
196 Carbs
69 Fat (no surprise I was over there)
57 Protein

Another good calorie day.  I need to focus on eating GOOD calories, keeping my carbs low or at least healthy & high in Protein.  So far the protein part is not hard at all, but getting enough Calories correctly is proving to take some work. 

1/12/2013  Day Four, first weekend.  Ate breakfast, and it was pretty good.  I had 5 egg whites mixed w/ 4 slices of Land o'Lakes Bistro Favorites Honey Glazed Ham & a small bit of cheese melted on top.  I forgot to take a picture before I ate it.  Oops.

 For lunch/snack I had one of these slim rite drinks.  It tasted pretty alright.  I actually forgot to eat lunch and then realized I had to at least eat something, so I had this. 

Dinner was late tonight.  I was being ridiculously lazy today and when we finally did get up to go do something it was like 4pm and we ended up having to go to 5 different stores to find what we were looking for. 

Dinner for the family was Spaghetti w/ canned fruit.  Dinner for mom was some of that John Soules fajita beef w/ a 1/4c marinara sauce on the top and a cup of the canned fruit.  I haven't done very good w/ the water today.  I've only had about 5 glasses, I'll try to squeeze in the rest before bed... that'll make a fun night.

Here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal:
1,064 Calories
144 Carbs
25 Fat
76 Protein

Another fairly good calorie day, only 800 something shy. 

1/13/2013  Day Five, nearly a week.  I had a slow day, it's Sunday.  Had a nice reasonable breakfast of cardboard w/ banana and water:

 Whoever said Kashi Go Lean was good ... LIED.  Absolutely tasteless.  I'm sure as I work on running the sugar out of my system I'll adjust to the "natural" taste of food.  But for now, just this side of cardboard.  The banana was yummy though.  I've really been enjoying the influx of fruit and veggies in my diet.

I skipped lunch because of church, our church meets from 1-4 which is a terrible time but we all must make sacrifices I suppose.  I just drank one of those Slim Rites on my way out the door so I didn't get overly shaky or distracted during my meetings.

For dinner we had slow cooker pork steaks that were cooked in cream of chicken soup w/ ranch dressing powder.  They were okay, I'm not a real fan of pork, but I needed to shake up the beef/chicken trend some.  As a side the kids were given mashed taters and green beans.  I skipped on the taters.  The plate is not pretty by any stretch, but food is food & I am not complaining.  This is a 7" salad plate, it's the only plate I ever use.

After my snakies, which I blogged about in the post "My Brand of Heroin" here's how my day looked on myfitnesspal:

1,648 Calories
229 Carbs
53 Fat
71 Protein

STILL under on calories!! HUGE carbs though, shame on me. The goal is 254, I was nearly at that and it was all because of the CRAP I shoved in my face.

1/14/2013  Day Six!  Fiber One Honey Squares MUCH tastier! The bit of honey on them satisfied my itchy sweet tooth & the banana made it a much more filling meal.

For lunch, I decided to cheat.  I was out running errands for a bit and *really*really*really* wanted Wendy's.  I love their Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers & could eat them at just about every meal.  I didn't get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.  I got an Asiago Chicken Club.  I did not get it in the meal, only got the sandwhich. I waited to eat until I got home.  I had a friend one time tell me when we went out for lunch during work "Let's eat! Fat girls don't wait!"  She was a darling girl, absolutely beautiful & as wide as she was tall.  So we ate in the car because fat girls don't wait.  So, when I can, I wait.  Today, I waited, came home put it on a plate and threw the buns in the garbage.  I've been pretty surprised at how easily I've turned away from the starches given the fact that they turn to sugar in my system.  However that could explain why I am withdrawing so badly, I haven't just given up the sugary DP & the snacks, I've also given up the bread, pasta's and other starches.  I'm starving the sugar bug out!!

I gave in today & drank the DP that was in the fridge.  I'm not really sure why I did ... I wasn't actually craving it or wanting it.  I actually only ended up drinking half of it & dumping the other half out.

Was feeling cranky & ornery (and pms-y) and very un-hungry for dinner. I finished off the last half of the fruit/protein shake I made last night and called it good.  I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Here's my day looked on myfitnesspal:
1,029 Calories
147 Carbs
24 Fat
66 Protein

At the bottom of the counter on myfitnesspal it always says:
*Based on your total calories consumed for today, you are eating too few calories. Not only is it difficult to receive adequate nutrition at these calorie levels, but you could also be putting your body into starvation mode. Starvation mode lowers your metabolism and makes weight loss more difficult. We suggest increasing your calorie consumption to 1,200 calories per day minimum.

It's really frustrating, especially since I am actually *trying*. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

New Years

My oh My... It has been 2 years since I have posted.  In that 2 years I have gotten married to my Sweetheart, Tyler.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I'm the full-time mom of 9 glorious children who stress me out and make me laugh, I got a new cat named Cotton and a new dog I named Dragon.  I've had 3 Halloweens, 3 Thanksgivings and 3 Christmas's with my family and 1 wedding anniversary. I'm looking forward to many, many more.

New Years ... always a time for resolutions, always a time for new beginnings.  I suppose this year is no different. My resolutions this year are the same as all years, lose weight, spend less money, be a better mom, a better wife and a better daughter of God.

I met with a nutritionist yesterday at the St. Marks weight management place.  We talked about all kinds of things, but mostly about what I am eating and what I am not eating.  She gave me a list of "goals", i.e. give up the Dr. Pepper (omg, I've given it up so many times ... evil, evil crutch of mine!), eat at least 3 times a day, drink lots of water (ew).  So, that's where I am starting.  I have logged onto and my user name is TylersEmerald if you want to hook up on there.  I'm not really sure how it works, I just get on to log my food. 

My biggest problem so far is that I sincerely hate eating.  There are very few meals that I truly enjoy eating.  Mostly when I eat it's because I have no other choice because I'm faint, shaky and feeling sick.  If I try to force myself to eat, like lunch yesterday or breakfast today, I gag because my body just doesn't want it.  I am just not hungry, at all.  The nutritionist yesterday said that I need to train my body to want the food, to recognize that I am feeding it so that it can start my metabolism and start releasing some of the fat.  She also said that it's possible that my body is notifying me that I am hungry but that I have either learned to ignore or I'm just not noticing the cues until I am in a desperate situation.  Either way, she said it was possible to overcome. 

I sincerely doubt my ability to lose weight.  Lightest I have been in the last 10 years is 200lbs and that was 3ish years ago. Yesterday when she weighed me, I weighed 262.4. I doubt I could even fit into my wedding dress again. 

Man, I wish I were thin.

I don't want my thighs to touch anymore.  I almost don't care how fat my butt is as long as my thighs don't touch.  That's ALL I want  ... Oh, and I don't want my arms to flab down ... Looks like I have a huge bicep where a tricep should be ... It's really pathetic.

I want a Dr. Pepper.  I manage the cravings for the DP one of two ways ... I either go get one, or I drink orange juice.  It's not the caffeine that gets me, it's the sugar.  Oh how I love sugar.

So, here I am, all 262lbs of me.  I don't have a goal right now except to make it through dinner.  When I make it through dinner, my goal is going to be to make it through breakfast (which is the hardest meal for me to eat). 

So I went back and looked at my old posts, one titled "Progress" specifically.  Here I'll quote what I said:
"Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)"

This is still a challenge for me.  I've got to get my head around it.  I'm 20lbs heavier now than I was then.  I haven't had the stomach problems for some time now, so that will help significantly as well.  I am not doing weight watchers anymore.  It because problematic financially and I couldn't empathize with those people and they couldn't empathize with me.  They were all struggling to eat UNDER their points where I struggled everyday to eat UP TO my points.  :/   It was just hard.  But here I am.  It's a new year, I have a much better support system then I've had before... I have a long ways to go, but I've got to do it.  I want to be thin, I want to be sexy, I want to not hate what I look at in the mirror everyday.