New Years

My oh My... It has been 2 years since I have posted.  In that 2 years I have gotten married to my Sweetheart, Tyler.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I'm the full-time mom of 9 glorious children who stress me out and make me laugh, I got a new cat named Cotton and a new dog I named Dragon.  I've had 3 Halloweens, 3 Thanksgivings and 3 Christmas's with my family and 1 wedding anniversary. I'm looking forward to many, many more.

New Years ... always a time for resolutions, always a time for new beginnings.  I suppose this year is no different. My resolutions this year are the same as all years, lose weight, spend less money, be a better mom, a better wife and a better daughter of God.

I met with a nutritionist yesterday at the St. Marks weight management place.  We talked about all kinds of things, but mostly about what I am eating and what I am not eating.  She gave me a list of "goals", i.e. give up the Dr. Pepper (omg, I've given it up so many times ... evil, evil crutch of mine!), eat at least 3 times a day, drink lots of water (ew).  So, that's where I am starting.  I have logged onto myfitnesspal.com and my user name is TylersEmerald if you want to hook up on there.  I'm not really sure how it works, I just get on to log my food. 

My biggest problem so far is that I sincerely hate eating.  There are very few meals that I truly enjoy eating.  Mostly when I eat it's because I have no other choice because I'm faint, shaky and feeling sick.  If I try to force myself to eat, like lunch yesterday or breakfast today, I gag because my body just doesn't want it.  I am just not hungry, at all.  The nutritionist yesterday said that I need to train my body to want the food, to recognize that I am feeding it so that it can start my metabolism and start releasing some of the fat.  She also said that it's possible that my body is notifying me that I am hungry but that I have either learned to ignore or I'm just not noticing the cues until I am in a desperate situation.  Either way, she said it was possible to overcome. 

I sincerely doubt my ability to lose weight.  Lightest I have been in the last 10 years is 200lbs and that was 3ish years ago. Yesterday when she weighed me, I weighed 262.4. I doubt I could even fit into my wedding dress again. 

Man, I wish I were thin.

I don't want my thighs to touch anymore.  I almost don't care how fat my butt is as long as my thighs don't touch.  That's ALL I want  ... Oh, and I don't want my arms to flab down ... Looks like I have a huge bicep where a tricep should be ... It's really pathetic.

I want a Dr. Pepper.  I manage the cravings for the DP one of two ways ... I either go get one, or I drink orange juice.  It's not the caffeine that gets me, it's the sugar.  Oh how I love sugar.

So, here I am, all 262lbs of me.  I don't have a goal right now except to make it through dinner.  When I make it through dinner, my goal is going to be to make it through breakfast (which is the hardest meal for me to eat). 

So I went back and looked at my old posts, one titled "Progress" specifically.  Here I'll quote what I said:
"Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)"

This is still a challenge for me.  I've got to get my head around it.  I'm 20lbs heavier now than I was then.  I haven't had the stomach problems for some time now, so that will help significantly as well.  I am not doing weight watchers anymore.  It because problematic financially and I couldn't empathize with those people and they couldn't empathize with me.  They were all struggling to eat UNDER their points where I struggled everyday to eat UP TO my points.  :/   It was just hard.  But here I am.  It's a new year, I have a much better support system then I've had before... I have a long ways to go, but I've got to do it.  I want to be thin, I want to be sexy, I want to not hate what I look at in the mirror everyday.