Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Am I in love?

My world has just changed.

It's been an emotionally stressful weekend dealing with everything. I feel healed and I feel lost at the same time ... but now what have I done to myself?

My friend Tyler has been such a great support to me this week. He's such a good listener and understands so much of the pain that I feel. It's nice having someone I can talk to.

Sitting in church today was so difficult. After Sacrament meeting I went out and sat in my car, and cried. I texted Tyler, who called me so we could talk. He asked me what was wrong, I hem-hawed about it but finally said words I didn't think I ever would ... or should. "I am confused. I am starting to have feelings for you." Umm, what now?! He wasn't surprised. He more or less said he had them too. We were both a little blown away by it. He told me he was basically waiting for me to say it... chicken.

I could not have chosen a better person to fall for but, one glitch ... a major one. He's married. ERK! He's been separated from his wife for a year now, hasn't actually seen or spoken to her in about that same amount of time. He filed for divorce within days of moving out of their home, so it's not like he's "married" to her really. I know, I know, justifications.

A few weeks back I went to help him straighten up his apartment, unpack some boxes that needed to be unpacked for a year of him living there. Just hanging out as friends. He was in kneeling on the floor with his drill trying to fix his kitchen table and I walked over to the counter and just said to myself while listing things I needed to finish, "Oh, I need some tape."  I turned to finish something else up and within moments I had tape in my hand. He had heard me say I needed tape, stopped what he was doing and went and got me tape, without being asked. I think I knew right then that this was a very special man, and that my feelings for him were more than I had been letting on that they were. It seems so silly, he just got me the tape, ya know? But he did it without me asking, or having to beg, or having to do it myself or just accepting that it would never get done. He put what I was doing as equal to, or above what he was doing. It was amazing. He's so thoughtful like that, and kind. At about 2am, when we got sick of working, we sat down on his couch and just started talking. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird. It was just natural. It just flowed seamlessly. We talked about everything and about nothing all at the same time. At about 8am I finally went home. We'd spent all those hours talking, it was amazing. He told me that he spoke more to me that night than he had to his wife in the last year of their marriage. I sort of felt the same way about William. I mean, we spoke, but at the same time, we didn't. We had two topics, 1. The kids 2. His work. That was it. But Tyler and I spoke endlessly about music, books, kids, marriages, life, religion. It was just amazing.

A couple of weeks after that I was going to go down to a "Dive Experience" at a scuba shop where a friend of mine works. Since I'm scuba certified but haven't been in the water at all since I was pregnant with Kydrun, I thought it would be fun to go refresh my memory. I asked Tyler if he'd like to go with me. I knew, from our many conversations that he is a very introverted homebody. I didn't expect him to go with me, but he surprised me and went! I was excited that he decided to get out, get away and do something totally new to him. It was a lot of fun, except I lost my contacts in the pool! OOPS! We decided to go to an IHOP for dinner afterward but couldn't find one open, so we ended up at a Village Inn.

It's just so nice to spend time with him. He's so easy to be around. So easy to talk to, and oh my goodness, he's FUNNY! He doesn't think he's funny, and he's rarely ever actually trying to be funny, but man does he ever make me laugh! It's so nice to be around someone like him. He's just so ... amazing.

I sort of think I've known. I know William has known. He's been telling me for a long time that I am in love with him (meaning Tyler, not meaning himself). When he saw Tyler at Kydrun's birthday party he said "He loves you, too." Jean even said he was in love with me, she could tell by the way he watched me and looked at me. I think he was just looking at me like I'm a psycho firecracker he's afraid of ... But maybe that's just me.

Well, it seems they were both right. I think I DO love him. I think I have opened my heart to him. I think I do want to see where this goes despite my extreme fear of where it will go. Then again, I think I already know where it's going to go in the long run.

Am I in love?

Saturday, October 16, 2010

I'll get through this, too.

I just had the wind knocked out of me.

Got onto facebook to find a changed relationship status for William to 'Engaged'.

I'm not sure why this has struck me so deeply, so thoroughly and so painfully.

Yes I am.

He has told me for the last 2 years "I'm never getting married again." He decided that marriage wasn't worth the hassle. "I'm not the marrying type." He didn't want the commitment. Over and over he told me part of why we got divorced, why he strayed was because he was just not meant to be married... And now he's engaged.

Two days ago, I asked him if he was going to marry this girl. He said no.

Why do I care so much?! This is ridiculous. We've been divorced for 2 years, our marriage was over for MOST of the marriage!

Why does he get to fall in love, be happy & have a happy ending when he stole so much from me, destroyed so much of me?! I tried to be a good wife, to keep him happy. I know I sucked, I know I failed ... But I tried. Instead of being honorable, faithful, ... he just decided to leave the marriage. To go bed down with another woman. I even got an std from him. Thankfully it was a curable one!!

Here I sit. Alone. Single. Sad. & three kids.

It isn't fair. None of this has been fair. HE should be the one sad. He should be the one alone. He should be the one who aches inside for all he lost. But he doesn't. He never has. He crushed me and never looked back. Now he's moving on with someone else.

I didn't know what to do. I broke down and sobbed. I called my friend Tyler & he came over & sat with me, put his arm around me & let me cry. He's so strong, still and quiet. He brought me twinkies and a pineapple, two of my comfort foods. He is so sweet.

I'll get through this. I got through, "I don't love you anymore & there is somebody else." I got through the many confessions of infidelity. I got through the coming home and then the "I want a divorce". I got through spending Christmas Eve's alone so he could be with his girlfriends. I got through divorcing and losing my best friend & my extended family. I can get through this.

I cannot believe he didn't give me, OR the kids a heads up... he told facebook before he even told his own kids.

Friday, October 8, 2010


My New Therapist Link

I think it's time I get a therapist. I think this guy would do me some good...

Monday, September 27, 2010

September Fun

Spent some time going on adventures with the midgies.

A week or so ago I decided to take my kids to the dollar movie. I invited Kim and her kids along, and invited the kids friends Aurora, Kevin & Autumn and their Dad along. He decided at the last minute he wanted to go with us. That poor man thinks I'm absolutely insane. I had taken the kids to Reams and told them they could take some candy to the movie, but only what they could fit in their pockets. Kids have A LOT of pockets! They filled up Kim's diaper bag, Kevin wore a pair of army pants with a million pockets and Autumn even wore her coat... IN SEPTEMBER! We got to the dollar movie only to find out that it was sold out ... Doh. So we headed out to MAGNA to the theater out there. It was fun. Thankfully our kids were the only ones in the theater.  They were playing music before hand so the kids and went down in front of the screen and danced. It was so much fun. I love playing with them. I do not do it often enough.

On the 18th we went to the Utah Museum of Fine Arts :) My friend Tyler and I took all the kids (10 in total!) up to the UMFA for the Free Family Day. It was centered on Animals and we had a little riddle sheet to use to look through the museum with... Here they're all looking for the animals in this yarn art! (L-R Aurora, Nancy, Jason, Brylin, Autumn, Kydrun, Kevin, Jade, Summer, Aidan and Tyler)

Yesterday, the 26th, there was a Honey Harvest up at the Salt Lake City, Library. Tyler and his kids went along with us again and we took Cameron... he's like taking an extra 14!  Tyler's oldest daughter Summer refused to go with us this time... She wanted to stay at home and watch something called anime.

After the museum we decided to go up to the canyons & have a fire, roast hot dogs and marshmallows. It was SOOOO fun!!

There is nothing better than spending time with the kids!  I think Tyler had a good time, but he is very hard to read. He's so quiet and withdrawn. I hope my friendship can bring him out of his shell some.

Saturday, September 18, 2010


Just got this email sent to my facebook account, LOL, it's awesome:

Philip Hamilton September 18 at 12:52pm I must confess, Your profile picture is something i would call 'irresistible' You've so much intrigued, captivated and enchanted me with your dazzling beauty most especially the angelic smile:} It's just so cute and quite adorable! How can I not ever respond to such beauty that has attracted my attention in such an incredible manner. It's just as though i've never set my eyes on a woman before{So rare and unique}!I'm pretty sure every responsible man on this planet would desire to get to know you if at least for friendship sake...{smile}Would be more than glad to really start up a friendship with you and see how it goes if we mutual.Anywayz, Should you ever be willing to correspond/communicate with me kindly feel free and don't hesitate to drop me some lines in return.I'll be looking forward to read from you soon and hope this message finds you in good mood!Until then,Enjoy the very best of the weekend and remain beautiful alwayz♥♥♥

Monday, September 6, 2010


Had a sleepover with my 3, 3 of the Colbert kids (Aurora, Kevin & Autumn) & another neighbor boy, Cameron. They were all up way too late and ingested way too much candy & snacks. By 1pm I had a bunch of grumpies on my hands. I sent Cameron home, and was going to send the Colbert kids home, but they wanted to stay and nap at my house. I told them all they had to lay down and be quiet for 1 hour. I told Brylin, "Shhh, be quiet as a mouse."
"Mice are squeaky, 'squeak squeak'. How about if we are quiet as spiders?"

Friday, September 3, 2010


Have you ever heard Angels sing?
I have ... when I hear my childrens laughter through the window while they're outside playing with their friends.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Pieces of my Heart

I can hear the little pieces of my heart zooming in on their scooters. I am whole again. :)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Stronger Woman

Oh Ladies!! I really hope you ALL find the Stronger Women in YOU!! This is my new theme song!

Jewel - Stronger Woman

Friday, August 13, 2010


Nancy W: "Part of being a successful person is remembering others and how everyone may thrive from your actions and ideas. True happiness and self-satisfaction are not measured by material possessions. It is rather the way you influence others and how you develop from your past experiences, which makes your life significant."

I LOVE THIS!! Since I've been on this journey of self the most motivating thing for me has been motivating others. It's been so fun to see the fire get lit inside my friends who have similar goals to mine! I LOVE IT!

Sour Milk


So thankful for tomorrow because it means that today is over. Thankful for tomorrow because it means I can refresh my convictions, start over my processes and repair, once again, the tears in my heart. Thankful for tomorrow because it's a new day, to continue to become a new me. So thankful for tomorrow because it is one day closer to my future and one day farther away from my past.


Click here to watch Give your life to God while there's still time

"To be a 'Survivor' in this 'Amazing Race'
with a 'Need for Speed' you need God's grace
And if you're 'Desperate like Housewives'
Watching 'Days of Our Lives'
You can't cope without hope
and that's not on a soap!
If you look into 'Oprah' or 'Dr. Phil'
You can shop nonstop or pop a pill
But the void won't fill and the pain won't kill
Till you love the One that hung on the hill.
Kicking back in your 'Lazy Boy' easy chair
Watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
Nah, you're not gonna find it there!
No 'American Idol' or 'Council Tribal'
has a 'Final Answer' that'll satisfy ya.
'CSI' ain't got a clue,
'SVU' don't know what to do,
Not the 'ER' or the 'OC'
Nothing on a CD, TV, DVD or MP3
can save You and Me.
'CNN's' got no good news
here's a headline "YOU must choose"
'It's Not A Simple Life' Paris Hilton
It's treadin' on thin ice living in sin
You can be an 'Apprentice' for Donald Trump
Or eat 'Fear Factor' fast food from a dump
You could be a 'Heavy Hitter'
or 'Wheel of Fortune' winner
A 'Fox News' no spin spinner
Or a flat out sinner
But you better check this life that you're livin'
and make sure that your sins are forgiven.
I bet you '50 cent'
'Elvis' done came and went
And eventually every 'Black Eyed Pea'
'Gwen Steffani' 'P-Ditty' and 'Brittany'
Every wanna-be on 'MTV'
with their icy "bling"
Every 'Dixie Chick' that sings
They ALL gonna see the King of Kings!
I don't care if you're 'J-Lo'
or 'Leno' or 'Bono'
One thing you gotta know is
Someday you're gonna die bro.
Then where ya gonna go?
Hey, I'm not talking some punk junk
that's irrelivant
like your grandma's church from way back when
It's not some 'Preacher Feature' on 'TBN'
that you need to be liking or listening
The REAL superstar is Jesus Christ
He's the Way, He's the Truth and the Life
One day he's going to split the sky
He's the brightest light and the Highest High

So what I came to say and what I'm tellin ya
is don't buy that stupid stuff they be selling ya
it's all designed to fill your head
and waste your space until you're dead
Here's the bottom line of my rhyme,
Give Your Life To God While There's Still Time!

No, I'm Not.

I fell for Will's shit again :(

I told him, in an effort to elicit jealousy that I made out with someone else the other night. He then spent the entire evening putting his arms around me, trying to get me to kiss him. I kept turning my head and laughing him off. We sat down to watch a movie together with the kids and somehow, like always, I ended up lying on his leg (for a pillow). He rubbed my back, my arms, touched my face, my lips with his fingertips. He was so gentle and calming. When the movie got over the kids all went to bed and he was going to leave. He hugged me and tried to kiss me again and I kissed him back, just to kiss him goodnight.

I should have known better, but I just thought "I'll kiss him and show him that he's nothing" ... but it never works that way ... ever.

We ended up making out for a long time.

At one point, we had our foreheads together, and we were looking in each others eyes, he had his hand on my cheek and he said "I love you so much, I always have". I SOBBED.

For that moment I had my Will back.

He held me and cried with me and told me he never wants to hurt me again. Told me he loved me, called me Honey again (he hasn't actually addressed me as ANYTHING for a couple of years)...

We made out some more, and he left at about 1:30 to go "home" to his girlfriend whom he of course lied to and told that he fell asleep watching a movie with the kids.

On Wed I woke up feeling a bit confused ...

Was it just my imagination that we had that moment? Was it just my crazy hope that he'd felt it too? That passion he and I have always had together is still alive, but the connection was lost ... until that night.

I texted him about it and he responded and said "I felt it to but I don't know if we could ever have it again"

I don't know what I took that to mean.

I was suppose to go out tonight, but didn't because he was coming over ...

My stupid, stupid heart wanted to know ... I needed to know if it was there ... if we could feel it again. He hardly paid any attention to me ... Then at about 9 he said he had to go. I was disappointed because I wanted him to stay ... I wanted to see. He hugged me goodbye and it was back to hugging the stranger he'd become. I tried kissing him, and he kissed me back of course ... but he was gone. I said "You just simply don't love me anymore do you" and he said "No, I don't"

He did it because he was marking his territory.

I fell for it because I love him, I thought I loved him ... and he broke my f***ing heart wide open AGAIN.

I am so angry, and so hurt.

I am crushed.

Tomorrow is a new day. He has left for another 10 days. I will spend this 10 days in silence. I will not speak to or text him while he is gone unless there is an emergency with the kids. I do not foresee him calling me for any reason so this will be easy. By the end of the 10 days I will have regained my composure, my strength and my conviction that he will NEVER get near me, or my heart again.

I am sitting here sobbing uncontrollably. Why? It isn't because I'm surprised. I KNEW as soon as I told him that I'd made out with someone else he'd react just exactly like he did. What was the game I was trying to play? What was the outcome I'd hoped to gain? I guess if I think about it enough, I got exactly the outcome I'd hoped for. He was jealous. But he was jealous not because he loves me, but because if I stop caring about him he loses control. I am crying that I was so foolish as to trust "I love you" in that moment... to have ever trusted it at all. I seriously fear that if anyone ever utters those words to me again it will be the end of our relationship. Those words are poison and cause nothing but pain. I am crying that allowed myself to taste the bitterness of Hope. I am crying that betrayed my own strength, my own convictions.

Will is a toxic human being. At least he is toxic to ME. Why, even in my moment of loneliness when TWO different men who I had interest in expressed to me their interest in my friends, did I turn to WILL? Why when this man has made me miserable for as many years as I can recall did I expect a different outcome? What would have happened if he HAD felt it? If he HAD wanted to try to find it again? Really? Am I willing to take the risk? Am I willing to succumb to being with a man who makes me unhappy, makes me second guess everything I do, who does not know how to say "Great Job!" or support me without placing doubt in my head at what I am doing ... Am I willing to settle for a man who has kept me ONLY as his Back Up plan for as many years as he's been/made me miserable?

No. I'm not.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Moment

For one brief moment our hearts touched. For one brief moment I saw you and I knew you saw me. For one brief moment my heart was whole. Then the moment passed, I took a deep breath and I thanked the Lord for that one brief moment to heal.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Camper!

My stinky Camper is home where he belongs! I'm a complete Mamma again!

My Babies

The girls as sleeping so soundly in their beds and Kydrun his gone to camp. While I sit here and think of them I am in tears at the sheer magnitude of the love I feel for them. I am blessed beyond my worthiness to be their "Mamma" & pray that I can someday earn the love & forgiveness that they so easily give me.

I Love You Jadey Bug, Bubby Lou & Monkey Face. You are what makes my heart beat within my chest.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Kydrun in the News!

Kydrun on the News! (click here)

My Son Was On The News!! I'm SO proud of him, he did such a great job!! He and his bunkmate, Payton, were both interviewed and both did amazing. Such strong, brave little boys who light the world on fire with their smiles!!

I love you Kydrun, you humble me. Thanks for calling me Mom!

Excellent Day

M'Lis wrap #3, lost 10.25 inches; finished taping off mom's basement for paint; got all of the laundry folded; practiced karate; played the wii *my life's goal is to make my mii thin again!* Was asked "Do you still love him?" & for the first time I could honestly answer "No, I don't". I'm Free!! Today I'm grateful for peace, serenity, clean sheets & the knowledge I have that I am worth more than to be a back up plan.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Nah Nah Mah

Click here to read an article about Nah Nah Mah in the Salt Lake Tribue

Kydrun's off to camp Nah Nah Mah! This is a 4 day camp for burn survivors so he can go be with kids who've survived the trauma of being burned like he has. He loves it and looks forward to it every year!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Emma posted on FB: "Love gives us the means to forgive and heal our pains, embrace and joyfully celebrate our authentic selves and accept and trust in the divinity of our lives. However, it is our own free will that determines when this occurs for each of us.

Kimberly Kerns Safford Do you believe this applies to those who have wronged or pained us as well? i.e. True LOVE (not necessarily the romantic type) for another person allows us to forgive and heal the pains they have caused in us ... ? Does that question make sense?

Emma Completely makes sense. And, yes, my experience is that unconditional love does exactly that. It is love that allows us to heal and forgive every pain--whether we cause the pain or someone else does.

A wise teacher who lived about 2000 years ago showed us how to love everyone--even those who cause us the most pain. His example is one I strive each moment to emulate. See More

Joanie I'm learning that loving and forgiving someone doesn't always mean that it works to have them in my life. A big lesson for me!

Emma To me, that is part of what it means to be unconditionally loving.

Kimberly Kerns Safford Joanie, thank you! That is what brought that up for me. My ex cheated on me multiple times yet I forgave him and forgave him and just couldn't stop loving him and I was torn because I DO love him and I DID forgive him but why wasn't it all working properly ... That's exactly why, just because I do love him and I did forgive him it doesn't mean it works to have him in my life .... THANK YOU! Major AhHA for me!

Joanie It's a huge lesson isn't it? You're welcome : )

Wow... For some reason the word "Forgiveness" has really been in my face today. I snagged a little purple beanie baby bear from my mother with a silver heart on it's chest that says "70 X 7". The note on his hand, the scriptural reference from Matthew 18:21: ..."Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No!" Jesus replied, "seventy times seven!" ... This little bear has been perched beside my computer monitor for 2 days now and I look at it often. I hadn't figured why I grabbed it from mothers, why it struck a cord with me. I have always prided myself on my ability to forgive those who I have deemed have 'wronged' me in some way. I am not a grudge holder mostly because I am simply too lazy for the effort a grudge takes. This said, however, there are those whom I have held grudges against with little to no intention of forgiveness. One of the people whom I hold a grudge against is dead and I still hate her. But I digress off of my original train of thought. Forgiveness. Why is this ringing in my ear so strongly right now? I have forgiven Will for all he did and put me through in our marriage and after it. This statement from my friend Emma got me thinking that because I have always loved Will it was easy to forgive him for all he did. But is that just blindness?

I don't really know where I'm going with this. That statement from Emma, and the follow up from Joanie really struck something in me. I forgave him because I love him. It actually makes me angry, THAT is the feeling I'm having right this moment, anger. It makes me angry that I loved him enough to forgive him, but he didn't love me enough to not hurt me in the first place.

Additionally, reading that quote makes me realize that I do not love MYSELF enough to forgive ME for all that I have done wrong in my life.

Hope Not!

LOVE this statement! It made me laugh: When your ex says "you will never find anyone like me" you reply "God I sure hope not..."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Water Damage

Oi the joy of children! Kydrun and Brylin put my mother's hose in the window well. When they went to bed they discovered the food storage room, laundry room, hallway, bathroom, my dad's room and my mom's room were flooded, totally soaked. Today we got to go over and clean it all up. My sister and my niece went over to help us and with all of us working it took us 6 hours. My mother is a hoarder. I don't care what she says. It's not super severe, like you see on TV, but it's bad enough!! Oh Kids!!

Continued Success

Went to Weight Watchers again ... lost another 2.6lbs!! Go me! WOOT! Really been struggling trying to get up to my points target. Sherry is frustrated with me because she struggles to get DOWN to her points everyday. It's been helpful remembering my mantra, JUST GIVE ME A YEAR! when I think of these small victories over myself. It's only 2lbs, but it's 2lbs!! I'm that many lbs closer to freedom, to myself, to the me I want to be!!

Monday, August 2, 2010


I hit a milestone. I got to go over and hold my friend Coral's baby today. She was in need of some formula and I had randomly gotten a box of formula in the mail. When I held that sweet little muffin of hers with her cute little fingers and toes and her pretty eyes and the sweet baby sounds she made ... I had absolutely NO desire to have another child, ever. I always was afraid to hold babies because I was afraid it would awaken that "baby-hungry" monster that seems to live inside all women. Well, my monster must have died because I am not the least bit. It almost made me sad but mostly, I think I felt relief. My baby is almost 6, I just can't imagine adding an infant. It also made me sure that while I do not have any desire to give birth again and have an infant, I have absolutely no problems loving someone elses children. I worry about this, as a single mother now that wants to be remarried. It is likely, highly, that I will marry someone with kids. I have no problem with this, I don't mind the idea of it at all I just simply have no desire to have more children of my own. It was an interesting realization to me. My ex's girlfriend wants to have kids, she's in her early 30's and mentions it frequently. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but when I got to hold Haven today ... I just say "All the more power to ya!" This also opened my eyes a bit more to the dating pool I must choose from. Given that I am absolutely uninterested in having more children, I must select carefully from the men who already have children, wouldn't mind loving mine but don't want any more of their own. It's so strange to know this about myself ... I always look at the cute little pink baby clothes at the store and go "Awww!" but really, that's just because I'm a girl, not because I want to stuff a wriggly pink pile of fluff into it! Good for me, another milestone.


I lit a bomb and it blew up in my face. In an attempt to actually keep the peace in my family, I texted my nearly 22 year old nephew to express my concern over facebook posts his girlfriend and his mother were making about what I 'perceived' was his Stepmother (who is married to my brother). I do not like his mother. I have not liked that woman in 15 years. When Kristophor called me our tempers got the best of us and I said some things about his mother I should never have said, EVER, because it served only to hurt him which was never my intention. I only brought it up to him because I thought what was going on between his girlfriend and mother was inappropriate. His mother has no rights to badmouth his Stepmother when SHE'S the one who raised him. His mother has been down in Florida for 15 years doing as little as is possible for Kristophor all this time. I just felt that as the adult who is "responsible" for these two women, it was Kristophor's job to put an end to the offensive behavior. Instead, he went to his mother and told her everything I had said, and then some I'm sure, went to his dad and told him that he's sick of this two-faced family. His mother then turned on Jean (my sis-in-law) and sent her a ton of texts threatening her that she's better watch what she says and to pass along a message to me that she is going to kick my living ass when she gets to Utah. Jean and Robert weren't even involved in this, much less Tami and Jodi (his mother and girlfriend). This was between Kristophor and me. Now, Kristophor and Jodi will not speak to me and Kristophor's brother (same mothers different fathers) who has been my nephew for all intents and purposes hates me now too. I'm done with all of it. Why did it happen? I don't understand what happened? Originally I was going to say something to Jodi and Tami but I knew that would blow up in my face so I went to Kristophor ... and it STILL blew up in my face. Everytime I try to defend my sister in law to Kristophor this happens. I'm finished. I'm sad :(

Sunday, August 1, 2010


The Toothfairy CANNOT fly. Kydrun sleeps on the top bunk of a double sized bunk bed and he sleeps with his head in the center of the side against the wall. The Toothfairy had a heckuva time trying to get onto that top bunk to try to reach the tooth which was as far away from the accessible edges as was possible!! Good thing the Toothfairy is MAGIC! He got a dollar, wow, major inflation from my day and I'll bet the Toothfairy didn't have to work NEARLY as hard!!

Saturday, July 31, 2010


Just got back from my first karate class ... O.M.G!! I'm pretty sure the instructor, who is all of 17, was trying to kill me. I was pleasantly surprised when I entered the mat that I was not the oldest in the class and no one even seemed to notice I was there. I was sweating almost immediately ... AWESOME!! Can't wait for Wednesday!!

Friday, July 30, 2010


So... according to the Wii I'm obese, no kidding. It even made my mii fat! I have a BMI of 38ish and my "wii fit age" which is based on my real age, weight, height, balance is 45!! EEK! Jade was 24, Kydrun 27 and Brylin 30!! She falls into the "underweight" catagory on that thing (she is underweight, she's tiny!) so I guess that's why it thinks she's 30. I've done a couple of workouts on it, just played a step game and a hula hoop game and it really worked up a sweat! I'm so thrilled with it! So worth the investment for SURE!

However, to trust the wii weight or to not trust the wii weight is the question. According to the wii, I'm down to almost 232, which is a 6lb difference. It makes me nervous believing that because what if when I got to WW on Tuesday, I'm only down another 2? Talk about crestfallen!

But for now, I love the wii.

Took the kids to play at Hollywood Connection tonight. We went skating, which worked up a sweat but I'm not sure if it was because it was hot or if it was because I was working my body. I walked around that rink about 100 times with the kids. Jade is getting SO good on her skates! I'm sure proud of her! She's set herself a goal of learning to skate. She's going to earn some money and buy herself some skates and then teach herself how! I absolutely LOVE that Jade does not quit at things she really wants. She's persistent!! I'm excited for her to continue to be successful, in skating, karate, school and everything else she does.

Thursday, July 29, 2010



When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.


So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6


I am officially a White Belt in Karate! (Taekwondo actually!) The kids got a certificate for 2 months free and we just signed them up! The place we take them too "Personal Mastery Martial Arts" is over in Sandy on 20th East and the way they do billing is you pay for 2 and the rest are free, so Brylin, Will and I are free now that we're paying for Kydrun and Jade! :) LOVE IT! My first class is Saturday! EXCELLENT! The kids are so excited to teach me all that they know since they've had a couple of classes more than I have! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Will and I went over to Ron & Rolaynes again today to finish the side of the house. Got a lot done, I'm proud of us :) They paid us, which we weren't expecting and she paid me $220. WOW! I decided that I was going to use a bit of that money and buy myself a Wii Fit because I'd NEVER get one otherwise :) The rest of it went to pay my stupid tickets.

Went up to Emigration Canyon with my mom and the kids tonight. We went to a family friend, Eddie's firehouse. He's a firefighter paramedic and mom had to take something up there to him so we took the kids to give them a tour. Eddie showed the kids EVERYTHING. He let them play with a small firehose w/ a nozzel on it, showed them the weight room, all of the bits and places of the fire truck. He took us up to the living quarters where they were all (all 3 of them including Eddie) in the process of eating dinner. They showed us the firepole and asked for the first volunteer to go down. I was SO SURPRISED when NONE of my kids wanted to be the one to go down. Finally out of exasperation, Brylin said "I'll just do it!" and went down!! That of course showed the older two that if the baby can do it, they can do it to. THEN, after the three of them had done it the firemen said "Alright Mom, get on!" ODDLY, I didn't even hesitate! Normally, I'd of politely said Hell No but I don't do that anymore! I said "Alrighty then!" climbed on and went down and it was awful! HAHAHA!! I have no strength in my arms or hands, so I pretty much just flew down that pole and hit the floor with all of my weight. Thought I might have broken an ankle, or two!! But it was all good! They cheered me on, Eddie patted me on the back and I was so proud of myself I couldn't stand it!! After they each took a couple of turns down the pole, Eddie took us for a drive up the canyon in the fire truck!! We got to wear the Earphones that they use to hear over the truck and talk to each other, we could hear the radio announcing fires all over the valley. The kids thought they were the coolest things EVER! When we were getting ready to leave Eddie gave them each a hat, a book mark and a pencil and they were SURE they were the coolest things ever at that point! :) It was so fun!! I am so thankful that my "Oh no, not me" attitude is all gone. I'm all for doing new things and getting my life started!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Had my very first weigh-in at Weight Watchers! According to my initial weigh-in last Tuesday I was 240.2, tonight, I was 238.2!! BOOYA BABY! That's -2lbs and I am 100% successful!! *doing a jig in my chair* "go me, oh yeah, go me!"

I have to be honest about the weigh-in though. I was seriously crestfallen when she told me it was 2lbs. What SHE said was "Great job! You're down 2lbs this week!" What I heard in my head and said to myself was "Great, ONLY 2lbs this week!" WOW, what a monumental difference there is in those two sentences!! BUT, I decided to go right back to my JUST GIVE ME A YEAR! mantra and Damn Right Baby, I'm SUCCESSFUL!

Weight Watchers has been very, very difficult for me mentally. The way that it works is that I am allotted a certain number of "points" each day. Here's how you determine your points target:

1. What do you weigh?
Enter the first two digits of your weight in pounds. For example, if you weigh 175 enter 17.
2. Are you:
Female, enter 2
Male, enter 8

3. How old are you?
Over 58..0

4. How tall are you?
Under 5'1"......0
5'1" to 5'10"...1
Over 5'10"......2

5. How do you spend most of your working day:
Sitting down (office worker)......................0
Occasionally sitting but mostly standing (Mom)....2
Walking (postal worker)...........................4
Doing physically hard work(construction)..........6

Nursing mom's only
Are you solely breastfeeding...10
Supplementing w/bottles........5

Okay, so for me, this is what it looked like:
1. 24
2. 2
3. 3
4. 1
5. 2
Which adds up to 32 pts.

Here's where the challenge came in for me ... I do not eat 32pts worth of food. For instance, because I did so ridiculously bad last week, when I made my executive decision to eat cake for breakfast and lunch, I didn't even bother. The next day I was fasting because of my endoscopy, so I didn't track then either and I have no idea why I didn't do it on Friday, probably because I didn't eat at all that day. However, when I did track: Sat 7/24 I had 19pts, Sunday only 10.5, last night I did much better because I fixed a great dinner of grilled chicken AND I ate 4 banana's throughout the day without realizing that banana's are high pts I had 31.5, 9.5 of those were JUST the banana's so if I'd of not eaten them even with my good dinner, I'd still of only had just over 20pts. Most people are doing weight watchers because they're eating themselves to death. I'm doing it because I'm starving myself to death (but I weigh 240lbs ... weird). So now I'm forcing myself to eat 3 meals a day and a snack if I think I need it. It has been difficult for me to wrap my head around because I weigh 240lbs and I hardly eat ... what's going to happen now that I am "stuffing my face 3 times a day" ... I'm going to get HUGE. That's a mental road block I'm really struggling with. BUT, when I brought it up in the meeting tonight, the teacher in the class, who is a beautiful, thin, tall blonde said "When I came in here, I had over 100lbs to lose (and she showed pictures to prove it, I was shocked) and the ONLY thing I had to work with was FAITH. I had to have faith that it would work." Well, I can do Faith. So I eat! Just 3 meals a day gets me through and now that the medication is starting to kick in for my stomach, it's getting MUCH easier to eat too :)

Exercise has not been coming very easily but it's getting there. I walked to the hospital last night, but hadn't really done anything since. Today I went with Will over to Ron & Rolaynes to move a HUGE pile of firewood from the side of their house. I'd grab the wood, toss it to Will who would load it into the wheelbarrow. Once the wheelbarrow was full we'd go to the dog pen where we were putting it and I'd toss it out of the wheelbarrow to him. We did that in the heat for about 3.5-4hrs!! My arms are tired but really, my back is in agony. We're going back tomorrow to do some more! :)


Bed-Invader had another night terror. Took me 10 mins to wake her up. She kept screaming & waving her hand "I'M RIGHT HERE!" When I finally got her awake she couldn't calm down & finally "I want Daddy!" I am eternally grateful for a Daddy who answers his phone at 2am on the... 2nd ring & calms his little girl down in two breaths. It's not ideal, but it's perfect for what it is. Thank you Will for being such a good Dad.

Despite how angry and frustrated I was at him, he's still a good dad. What he does on his time is none of mine (or anyone else's really) business and being without him here, and being in charge of my kids is my reality and I need to stop whining about it and deal with it. All of these years I've wanted him to rescue me, to discipline because I'm weak, fix things because I thought I lacked the ability. None of this true. I do not need him to rescue me, I do not need him to step in to discipline the kids and I can fix things on my own. In fact, expecting him to discipline them is highly unfair to him because when he comes over to see them, that's what ends up being their visits. I AM strong enough to do this with or without him. I am very, very blessed in that the relationship that Will and I have is as good as it is. We could fight, argue, hate each other, spew venom at every opportunity. But we don't. We enjoy being around each other because we are fairly good friends. I still harbor a lot of feelings, good and bad, and I believe he harbors some resentment he's not even sure he's carrying around. But for the most part, we don't fight in front of the kids, or about the kids, or about anything really, except money and we've been doing that since we got married so why change, eh? We can go places together with the kids, a luxery that not many people have in their divorce. The trick I need to learn is to suck it up when it gets hard and stop blaming him for it (even though it was his fault! ;))

Our difficult day ended beautifully. The kids got the house clean, WITHOUT HIM HERE, we rented a movie, popped popcorn and just had a nice quiet evening.

Monday, July 26, 2010


Measurements for today:

Ankle (R)11 (L)11
Midcalf (R)19 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22.75 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)31.5 (L)30.5
Abs 49
Hips 52.75
Waist 38
Chest 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.5
Neck 15

Ankle (R)10.5 (L)10.5
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18
Above Knee (R)22.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)30.5 (L)30
Abs 46.5
Hips 52
Waist 37
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15 (L)15.5
Neck 14.5

Total Loss: 9.75 inches

I think I am retaining water so my ankles and legs were pretty swollen today.

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Today I am struggling, a lot. My friend and her daughter were going to come and play with us today. I told the kids that they need to clean their rooms or our friends cannot come and play. We're working on hour 10 and the work is STILL not done. It would have then them less than 20 minutes if they'd of just done the work. Jade is being so mean and disrespectful. All of them are fighting, hitting, punching each other. They're screaming, yelling, telling me they hate me and each other. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I do not know how to get them listen. I've tried to be nice, I've tried rewards "if the work gets done Brittany can come over", I've tried enforcing punishment by making them stand in the corner for time out, removed the option of Brittany and Kyra's visit ... Nothing is working, at all.

This is a typical day for me. The kids do not listen, they do not care, they fight, argue, scream, yell, ignore me. What is difficult is knowing that my ex is having a nice, quiet day with his girlfriend. They probably went hiking or for a walk. A drive in the canyon or a picnic. Maybe fishing. All the things I begged for him to do with me when we were married and he'd go, just not with me. I always got left home with the kids, just like now. I am so angry I want to call him and yell at him. How fun for him to have a nice quiet weekend without the worry of the children and their chaos. How nice for him to be able to sleep in and not worry about feeding, bathing, disciplining anybody. How nice for him to be able to come over here and visit for a few hours, not have to worry about disciplining them here, making them clean, making them obey, and then leave at the end of the night, leaving me to bathe and chase them into bed 100 times. It's unfair. He is planning a trip to Alaska with his girlfriend. "Just the first of many" he says. He got pissed off at me because I had the key to a truck that has MY name on it and he wanted it for his girlfriend to borrow it "because she needs to pick something up". I told him that she could come and meet me somewhere and I'd give her the key but I had plans. That wasn't good enough, I had to go out of my way to get the key over there "before 7 because that's too late". Then I found out that the reason she needed the truck was to drive to Jackson Hole, WY (a 6 hour drive) to be with him, after he told me the truck isn't insured and didn't want me just "driving it around". His life is so easy. He complains that he works "so hard" to make sure he pays his child support and alimony ... well la-te-da. He complains that I do not work hard enough because I do not have a job outside the house right now, complained when we were married that I didn't work hard enough to keep the house clean and everything together. He got everything when he walked out. He got his freedom, he's got his girlfriends, often times 2 of them overlap, he's got his weekends, and his ability to sleep in and go to the mountains and go hiking and go the bar to drink ... all he has to do is standard visitation with the kids which he barely does because of his work which he complains he has to do to pay the cs/a and while he is here I am here still disciplining, still cleaning, still cooking, still taking care of everything. Otherwise he's a free man. I, on the other hand, can't go anywhere, not even to my appts with my therapist without the kids unless I PAY a sitter. I spend every day feeding/disciplining/fighting with/bathing/entertaining and taking care of the children. I spend everyday trying to clean up mess after mess and laundry that never stops. He doesn't come here unless it's convenient for him and his girlfriend. He leaves if there's a better offer. Like last Friday. He knew I had plans to go out BEFORE he left for Lava, yet I still ended up worrying about getting a sitter at the last minute. The reason? Because he had a better offer from his girlfriend. Instead of spending the time he has available to him with his kids, he ditches them to be with her. Now she's going out of town and he wants to come and see them. I'm selfish and I'm angry. I want him to go away and never come back. I want him to just go live his selfish life and leave us alone. He wants to be a bachelor, he wants to go to the bars, go be with his girlfriends, go spend his money, his time and his effort on them. I'm tired of the kids being an afterthought, a fun place to hang out when he's not got better things to do. I am so frustrated, so angry, and so very, very tired of this.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Calories for kids?

Decided that since I am going to be changing my lifestyle that my children's lifestyle is going to be changed as well. While at the grocery store and found out about the bread, I also picked them up their favorite breakfast which is Quaker instant oatmeal "Dinosaur Eggs". Because it's OATMEAL I assumed there wouldn't be "too many" calories ... HA! 190 calories PER packet. Kydrun just ate 3!! Kydrun is not an eater, he's very picky and doesn't like a lot of food so he'll go several meals without eating unless it's something he likes. So for him to eat 3 bowls of oatmeal is huge, even if it is 190 calories each.

I did some research on calories for kids. According to "How Many Calories Do Kids Need?
Kids come in all sizes and each person's body burns energy (calories) at different rates, so there isn't one perfect number of calories that a kid should eat. But there is a recommended range for most school-age kids: 1,600 to 2,500 per day.

When they reach puberty, girls need more calories, but they tend to need fewer calories than boys. As boys enter puberty, they will need as many as 2,500 to 3,000 calories per day. But whether they are girls or boys, kids who are active and move around a lot will need more calories than kids who don't.

Most kids don't have to worry about not getting enough calories because the body — and feelings of hunger — help regulate how many calories a person eats..."

My kids are EXTREMELY active. They do not watch TV and are outside riding bikes or scooters all day long everyday. So I'd put them closer to the 2,500 range. That being said however, my son just ate 570 cals, 780mg of sodium and 42g sugar (which is approx 10 teaspoons of sugar!!) OUCH! The 2005 Dietary Guidelines for American recommend no more than 8 teaspoons per day (32 grams) based on a 2000 calorie per day diet. So he's already over!! Good link:

So despite the fact that we don't "need" to count calories for our kids, it's probably a VERY good idea to pay close attention to what the calories are that they eat. My problem has never been "over eating" obviously as an unintentional anorexic, however the calories that I did put into my body when I finally did eat were sugar and fat and those add up FAST. So somehow, I'm going to need to trick Kydrun with the oatmeal. Trick him into apples and carrots as well. The girls I'm not overly worried about, they both eat well, but Kydrun ...

Great Week!

So this week has been fantastic on my way to my Year!!

On Tuesday my sister and I joined Weight Watchers together. This will/has proven to be a difficult thing for me because as I discussed before I am, as my friend Ruth called me, an "unintentional anorexic". Forcing myself to eat 3 meals is hard, and I have been practically 100% unsuccessful to date. On the upside of this, I discovered this week WHY eating is so difficult for me. I get sick every time eat, and I mean SICK. Sometimes I throw up, I get horrible stomach cramps and sharp pains and other less glamorous symptoms. It's awful. The cure for this? Don't eat. I hadn't made the connection before now. With WW, I my "points goal" is 32 which is based on my current weight, age, height, lifestyle etc... My "goal" is actually to EAT 32pts worth of food, not cut out to get DOWN to 32pts. My body can't lose if my metabolism is completely shut down, which it currently is because of my unintentional anorexia.

Wednesday I made an "executive decision" and fell completely off the wagon. For breakfast, which was actually lunch, I ate a piece of chocolate cake which my visiting teacher brought over to me since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I might have eaten two. I had another piece of cake for "lunch" and then at some point during the day I purchased a 20oz bottle of Dr.P, the first I'd had since Sunday. I drank only 3/4 of the soda because I forgot it was sitting there. It didn't do much for me, wasn't like I'd been in a desert without water for a week when I drank it. I also had a Subway sandwich, a Subway melt on flatbread which is bacon, ham, turkey, cheese and whatever else you put on it. It's my favorite and it's fattening.

On Thursday I had to wake up at 6:30 and force myself to eat breakfast, not only because of my "points" for weight watchers, but also because I was scheduled for an endoscopy that day and had to fast for it. About 10 minutes after eating 2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and a cup of milk I was sick... a lot sick, again. Normally, I just wouldn't have eaten, and it wouldn't have been a big deal, but on Thursday morning I went down to my friend, Elizabeth's salon to have some sort of detox wrap done where she wrapped me up like a roll of cookie dough in saran wrap and let me sit for an hour. I lost 8 inches over all, and even lost some inches in my "cankles" which I was happy about. This wrap, being what it is, requires you drink a lot of water and eat so you don't get faint or light blood sugar. My timing on doing everything I do is always off, I do stuff like fast and get a detox wrap all the in same day all the time. Anyway, when I got home from the wrap and fell apart because I'm a big emotional baby I decided that since I wasn't going to be feeling up to it after my procedure, I'd get some walking in to hopefully work off that 10lbs of cake I ate the day before. So I walked to the hospital, which took me 25 minutes, was pretty much all uphill and about 1.5-2 miles from my house (I forgot to measure the distance). Walking to the hospital at 2pm on a day when the temperature was 100 or close to, when I've been fasting since 6:30 and just had who knows what sucked out of me with the wrap was not my wisest decision but I felt great when I got there. I got to the hospital in enough time to cool myself down and rest a bit and my legs were tingly and twitchy, which I love the feeling of. I need to learn to walk so that my hands don't swell up and fall asleep though. I tried the "speed walking" technique where I keep them up, but it just didn't feel right, so I quit. At the "procedure" they discovered I have an ulcer! YIPEE!! My enthusiasm is only halfway sarcastic. I am actually EXCITED to know what is wrong with me. I finally know why I am sick every time I eat, why I am in pain and nauseous all the time!! FINALLY!! It seems there are several reasons why I could have this ulcer so I have some habits to change (stress and worry over nothing, taking 2000mgs of ibuprofen on an empty stomach before I go to bed). After my appointment my Daddy took me "home", which to him means my original home, and he took care of me for the rest of the evening. Mom came home at some point and made a fabulous dinner of crab/cream cheese won ton's fried in oil and the best egg rolls you'll ever have, also fried in oil. Not good for the points or the waist line, but they tasted GREAT and I ate a ton. Dad brought me home and I was sick for the rest of the night. Ug!

Yesterday I didn't have breakfast, or lunch I don't think ... Yeah, I'm pretty sure I didn't eat at all until I went out to dinner with my friend Kari. I had one glass of Dr.P, another executive decision. Then we went to a party, which was lame as hell despite the fact that I met a very good looking and sweet guy named Thomas.

So here we are now, Saturday morning. I went to bed after 3 this morning and was up with a stomach ache at about 7. I'm so tired my eyes are burning but I can't go back to sleep. I took my medication for the ulcer and now I'm trying to force myself to eat a yogurt but even the spoon hitting my tongue makes me gag. Why is this so difficult?! How can I weight 240lbs and hate eating as much as I do?! Stomach ache is also not improving despite the medication today.

I made some discoveries at the grocery store at 2am this morning. Normally, I buy white Western Family "sandwich" bread, this time I went for the "100% Whole Wheat" sandwich bread also made by Western Family. Because I'm trying to read labels and be more aware of my caloric intake, and now the caloric intake for my family, I compared labels. I discovered that there are 50 more calories in the "wheat" bread and 15% of them are from FAT. The main ingredients are the same being "Enriched whole wheat flour". I decided to stick with the white bread because the calories are lower for the kids but found some fun new things for me. They are Oroweat Sandwhich Thins 100% whole wheat; 100 calories each. No high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat. They look like flat, wheaty hamburger buns. I also compared the Yoplait light yogurt to the regular and found that there is, if I remember right in my exhaustion, 50 calories less in the light and there's 0 from fat. So I stuck with the light. I'll have to get my book and list how many points I'm eating. I'm a 3/4 of the way through my yogurt... it's taken me 45 minutes.

Today I'm going to get some walking in. I've got two of my three kids back from their vacation. Jade is still gone, on day 7 today. I've had a fantastic time encouraging my friends in their goals as well. I've got two in particular who are really making an effort on their own and it makes me very happy. Just give us a year!!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Okay, I am doing these m'lis wraps with my friend Elizabeth who is an esthetitian. She rubs a exfoliant all over me and then rubs a detox type of cream that makes me hungry for cinnimon salt water taffy (the red ones with the red stripes) and then she wraps me up from shoulders to ankles in saran wrap. I lay under a blanket and nap for an hour. She takes my measurements before and after.

Ankle (R)10.5 (L)11
Midcalf (R)18 (L)18.5
Above Knee (R)22 (L)23.5
Thigh (R)32 (L)32.5
Abs 48.5
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest (not including the girls) 40
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15.25

Ankle (R)10 (L)10.25
Midcalf (R)17.5 (L)18
Above Knee (R)21.25 (L)23
Thigh (R)31 (L)30
Abs 47
Hips 53
Waist 39
Chest 39.75
Arms (R)15.5 (L)15

Total Loss: 8.25 inches


It's 1:18am and I'm sitting here missing my midgies (Ha on that 5 minutes!) but I am also feeling something I haven't felt in a very, very long time ... peace. I can breathe in without my chest hurting, I can smile without wanting to cry. I am finally at peace.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


"Choosing to trust that you have value and lack nothing and need no validation and then choosing to give love in every situation creates rich relationships that last." - My friend Kimberly Sayer

Monday, July 19, 2010


Michael A. July 19 at 12:16pm

Kim, its just a thought but it may help. You said your weight loss goals. If I told you what ever your goals are you will achieve. So the only way for you to achieve the goal of weight loss is to lose the weight, gain it back and lose it again, since your goal is to "lose weight".

Have you ever noticed there are people like me who say I live debt free, but there are many others who have the goal of paying off their debt, but they never become debt free.

Its a simple mind shift, what I am saying may be worth looking into. The goal of weighing 160 lbs or the goal of losing 100 lbs, one will get you and keep you where you want to be, the other will get you there over and over again. I have been setting and achieving goals for quite a few years, and what I have noticed is that some of my goal setting has trapped me, some has helped me become the man I am today.

If I am over stepping on anything let me know, I don't want to interfere with the fire you have. I just wanted to express some love and encouragement, you are fighting the same fight I am, and I want you to succeed. I know you don't know me well, but I am in a good place, I am not talking about Africa, but I am more in lined with the reason god put me on earth today than I was yesterday. .

Kimberly Kerns Safford July 19 at 12:43pm

Wait wait ... So I want to express my goal as "Weigh 160lbs" RATHER than LOSE 100lbs? Right? Just want to make sure I get it, I'm a little slow in the head today.

Michael A. July 19 at 12:57pm

Yes. Set a goal you can live with.

If you can live with losing weight for the rest of your life, set to lose 100 lbs, but just remember, you will gain it back and lose it again. A good example is our moms, they have weight loss goals, but you notice they gain the weight back and then go lose it again. They achieve their goal, they are successful, they lose the weight over and over again, succeeding over and over again.

If you have ever set the goal in your life to lose a few lbs and you gain it back, remember, you succeed in your goal, you were not a failure, when you gained the weight back you may have felt like a failure, but it was just the natural out come of a goal without a limit.

I can give examples of my success and failures at this, but its just a mind shift.

Kimberly Kerns Safford July 19 at 1:17pm

So help me to rephrase my goal. I want to be an 8/10 dress size, whether that means I weigh 140 or 180 I don't really mind the number on the scale, I just want the dress size.

Michael A July 19 at 1:57pm

I like that goal, its solid and you can live with it.

Tried and True

Justin P July 19 at 12:25pm

Hey Kimberly, regarding your new goal:

Things I read and see over and over and over in weight loss, that is tried and true is this...

1. Drink water with your meals. It aids in digestion, and it makes you feel full, sooner. Even better, drink a small glass BEFORE you eat.

2. Do something (exercise) early to get your body going. (metabolism) and burning some calories. It's hard to get up early. It's worth it. My alarm is set for 4:35. I hate it from 4:35 to about 4:50, then I FREAKING LOVE it that I have a headstart on my day. A 20 minute brisk walk carrying some 1 or 2lb weights may be a good place to start.

3. Do some weight training. More muscles burn calories and fat. "lower" weights and higher reps tone the muscles. Higher weight and less reps builds muscles. Alternate this week by week.

4. Treat your body like a campfire. Keep putting smaller sticks (healthy food) on the fire throughout the day, (it will keep it burning hot) and NOT throwing BIG LOGS on it once at the end of the day, (that would smother the fire)

5. Lastly: "watch the pennies, the dollars will take care of themselves" ... make adjustments here and there, they will add up.

My boss lost 70 lbs over 7 months doing these 5 things.

Good luck!



Life's not about expecting, hoping and wishing, it's about doing, being and becoming. It's about the choices you've just made, and the ones you're about to make, it's about the things you choose to say - today. It's about what you're going to do after you finish reading this.

The Beginning

So here it is, Monday morning! The beginning of MY life.

Last night Kydrun, Brylin and I rode our bikes down to Ream's to buy some milk and then back home. We rested while we were at Ream's, I ate an apple and the kids had ice cream cones. My butt hurts today from the bike seat so I am going to have to get a new seat.

The Dr.P is officially out of my life. This will be a journey in and of itself because of the physical and mental withdrawals I will have.

For now, I've decided to take small steps. Forcing myself to eat 3 meals is going to be difficult. I am not accustomed to eating regularly. I've decided rather than to throw myself into the throws of "diet food" I'm going to go for "healthy" and start small. For breakfast this morning I had 1 1/2c of 1% milk, 2 scrabbled eggs and a piece of toast with a bit of butter and jam. Not super low calorie, but normally I wouldn't have eaten until dinner if then.

Today's plan? Go for a walk. I was *going* to ride my bike to my therapist appt today at 3 but my butt hurts so bad right now I can barely sit let alone ride my bike again! I thought about just walking there with the kids, but that's a pretty long walk. I think we'll stick closer to home, maybe walk a mile or so down the road and give carrots to the horses on the way.

Requote from a former blog posting:
On this day, God wants you to know... that 'decision' is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than that step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Sunday, July 18, 2010


"As you lay in bed drifting off to sleep every night, make it a habit to envision what you "could" do in the future. Don't think about problems & errrands. Imagine possibilities & solutions. See, hear, and feel yourself in the future situation with it done! Imagine the steps in your head. Inspire yourself."

WHAT will YOU envision as you fall asleep?

Watched the movie "The Secret" and now I'm listening to it on my ipod. I discovered that the word "will" has kept me captive for a long time. "I WILL lose weight" "I WILL be happy" ... I finally discovered that the word that I need to use to open up my world is AM "I AM losing weight" "I AM happy!" ...

I AM happy, I AM okay, I AM at peace with myself and my life, I AM tired and going to bed!!

Bike Ride

Just got back from a 2mi bike ride with the kids. Rode down to Ream's, grabbed a gallon of milk and rode home. Now we're on our way to the pool!!

The Dr. P is officially gone and I'm on my way to JUST GIVE ME A YEAR!! :)

Less than 200 by Christmas!!!


The Bed-Invader was in my bed again last night with her pointy feet and knees digging into my back. First words out of her mouth when she woke up? "I love you, Mommy" ... So worth it.


"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit." ~ Aristotle

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Last night while I was *suppose* to be sleeping, my mind was on fire with goals, plans to accomplish those goals and some rusty cogs FINALLY fell into place.

Here's some of my brainwork.

At 35 years old I weight 237 (13lbs shy of my heaviest weight ever). At 237 I am on the borderline of being "morbidly obese". I already know I fall into the obese catagory, but tacking on that "morbidly" bit at the beginning really gives me a sense of dread. I am at risk of diabetes and heart disease, two things that run in my family, as well as cancer. I am already suffering from severe back pain due to a car accident 10 years ago and I have bad knees from the same accident. Add the extra weight on top of those already painful bones/joints and I'm breaking down pretty quickly. I have a large network of friends who play soccer/flag football every Saturday morning (even in the winter those die hards!) and I'd love to go play but I tire out too quickly. In a nutshell, I'm in pretty bad shape!!

Check this out. I just did a google search on "What should my weight be" I found a link: after entering my information, which I question it's accuracy because it asked if my fingers can fit around my wrist and that's not a good judge because I have short little fat fingers. Here's what it told me:
Ideal weight range is 152 - 167.2 lbs. (69.1 - 76 kg.).
You are overweight by 69.8 lbs. (32 kg.).
You may wish to consult with your physician for medical help

Here's what I think is happening with me: My problem is not overeating. I do not live to eat, I eat to live. I can go 2-3 meals without realizing I haven't eaten until I start getting shakey and sick (it really does take a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!!). What my problem is is WHAT I eat, not how much of it I eat. My biggest struggle with "dieting" or lifestyle changes is actually adding meals to places I'm currently not accustomed to. My calories come primarily from Dr. Pepper. Because I do not eat regularly, my poor body hangs onto whatever junk I put into my mouth because there's no telling when I'll eat again. I've never gotten over 250lbs and I think(imho) that is attributed ONLY to the fact that my poor body is using it's fat stores to keep me alive. If I ate regularly, 3 meals a day, I'd weigh considerably more.

Here's how I figure it: Between now and Christmas is 5 months/20 weeks/150 days. I want to be to 199, BELOW 200, by Christmas. According to my shoddy math skills, that means in the next 20 weeks I must lose approx. 40lbs. Which means 2lbs a week. According to my research a weight loss of 2lbs a wk is a healthy weight loss and is a very attainable goal.

Here's how I plan on doing it: When I give up the Dr. Pepper (which I will absolutely HAVE to do cold turkey and suffer the headaches because I've come to accept the fact that I am an addict and have absolutely no self control with it) and start drinking water, I'll drop a lot of weight very fast. In theory this is wonderful for me because it just gets me where I want to be quicker, but alas, it will taper off. I am not overly interested in losing it all super quick, if I wanted a super quick weight loss, I'd just get pregnant because that's the only time I lose significant amounts of weight quickly (I really am a backwards person, I know) and since that is a "HELL NO" option ... gotta do it the good ole fashioned way :)

Step One: Give up the Dr.P. I already know it's bad for me in my head, and I know it's bad for me physically because it makes me sick everytime I drink it. Think I'd give it up, huh? Duh me. Switch to drinking water only which will be a sacrifice because I'd almost rather lick dirt off the floor.

Step Two: Water Aerobics. Walking. Riding my bike with the kids. In other personal changes I am making in regards to my relationship with my ex, which I am not going to get into here, I need to spend a lot less time in the same places he is. I have decided that to accomplish this formerly difficult task I am going to go walking or ride my bike while he is here with the kids. He walks in, I walk out. I also have two grocery stores within a mile of my house. Reams is within walking distance, Macey's is within biking distance. If I have to go to the grocery store for something, I'm going to start walking or riding my bike. I'm also looking into belly-dancing and Tae Kwon Do with my midgies! I am also going to run a 5k in April!!!

Step Three: Obviously, my diet. I'm going to have to literally force myself to eat 3 meals a day and some healthy snacks. This is going to require a lot of adjustment to my currently high laziness and lack of ability/desire to cook whatsoever. I am starting weight watchers next week with my sister so that will give me some idea's on meal planning and what to eat.

Step Four: I'll only weigh once a week at the WW meetings.

I have been divorced now for 4 days shy of 18 months (but who's counting, right?). It's been a very long, very painful, very miserable 18 months indeed. When I cry to my friends about when the pain will stop they always tell me "Give it a year". A YEAR?! Are you effing kidding me? That's 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 MONTHS!! I can't do a year, I need it fixed NOW. Last night while my mind was open, listening, racing I started to do the math. If I can consistently lose 2lbs a week(that's 2lbs in ONLY 7 days!!) with diet and exercise, and keep that up beyond my 40lb-by-Christmas goal, by May of next year (my 36th b-day) I'll have lost 80lbs. By this time next year, at 2lbs a week, I'll have lost almost 100lbs and almost be to my goal weight (140). When I realized that my mind was on FIRE! Literally, I was so excited by the idea of "GIVE ME A YEAR!" I could hardly sleep!! Just give me ONE YEAR! Something that previously seemed so out of sight, so unattainable, now seems like such a short span of time! This short little year is going to give me an entirely new life in so many ways!! All I have to do is 3 meals a day! That is so calcuable! I don't have to worry about next week until next week, I just have to make it from breakfast to dinner. One simple day at a time. I joke that when I got divorced I lost 195lbs. Well, now all I have left is 100lbs of baggage and I am good to go!!

I really hope that if anyone takes the time to read this that they get motivated by it, that they'll want to make changes as well, and most of all, that they'll go on this journey with me. JUST GIVE US A YEAR!!

Also, just a side note: I realize that 140lbs is slightly unrealistic. My dream of looking like Jennifer Aniston is also a bit unrealistic as well. However, I'd be happy with 160. My goal isn't as much the # on the scale as it is the muscle tone and the dress size. I want to be in an 8/10. Danger with this is that I've always said that the Lord made me fat because I'd be immodest otherwise ... guess here's my chance to prove myself wrong :)


For anyone interested in being an "accountability partner" with me ... let's do it. Here's where I am: Today I weighed 237 (FU to anyone who calls me a "fat chick"). I am crammed with Dr's appts this week but am starting Water Aerobics on M/W next wk as well as Weight Watchers. I am also going for attempt #2(hundred)of giving up the Dr. P ... What's your plan?

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Baby Steps

In 2007 after finding out about ex's first affair I was broken beyond repair. My mother came over and found me curled up in the bottom of the bathtub with a kitchen knife. He tried to call & my mother answered the phone & yelled at him "Haven't you already done ENOUGH DAMAGE?!" I was so angry at HER for talking to him that way. 3 1/2 years later I sit here wondering why I wasn't yelling that for MYSELF? It's time.

Forgiveness. I am the person whom I need to forgive. I've doled out forgiveness to him as if it were available on tap ... however to myself? I am not even sure how to begin. Why should I seek forgiveness for something I did not do? I did not cheat? I did not *make* him cheat ... what do I need to forgive myself for?

As the old saying goes "it takes two to tango". I was present in my marriage, so I know the dynamic. There is much that I must seek forgiveness for, not for the affair as that was his
choice, but I was 50% of a relationship and I am far from guiltless as I am far from perfect, free of mistakes, bad habits and bad choices. I cast no stones at William for his choices, it is not mine to judge him. But today, I'm learning, like a baby finally ready to let go of the safety of mom's hand for the first time and try her new wobbly legs, how to let go, how to protect me, how to love me and how to forgive me.

I have no friends in which to confide. I have no friends who I can call this late at night in my tears, and my sadness because I've already cried to the three I had and they've been so wonderful and long suffering with me all this time. But now, I have to get it out of my head, out of my heart ... as unprivate as it is, this is my private diary. I welcome anyone to ignore me, comment as they wish, offer up encouragement as much as disapproval. I have to be responsible to *somebody* in order to make myself change... to *finally* let go of all that has held me prisoner for so long and this is the only way I can think of to do it, from the rooftops.

I did take ownership for his affairs and have (and I say have and not HAD because this is something I am still trying to change) done my very, very best trying to protect him from the consequences of his actions at the great sacrifice of myself, my heart, my mind and most importantly, my soul.

And this is where I sit now, lie rather, curled up in a ball in the bottom of my bathtub with a kitchen knife (not literally of course!) and this is where *I* finally stand up and yell "ENOUGH!" As much to William as to the broken girl in the mirror. This is where I finally take back all I have lost over the last 3 1/2 years in not protecting, shielding and loving ME.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

King Bed?

Oversized King Bed: $1000.00, Sheets and Blankets for Oversized King Bed: $350.00, One Small, 30lb child hogging up Oversized King Bed and kicking me in the kidney's all night: Priceless.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I have only got enormous boobs because my heart is so big and loving, my lungs needed somewhere to live! ♥

Monday, May 17, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mothers Day

For Mothers Day I was given a box from Jade she made at school. The box contained 11 things she loves about me: 1. Thank you for reminding me to feed my pet. 2. I love the way you are always there for us. 3. I love your creamy mashed potatoes. 4. I love the way your hair is always wavy. 5. Thank you for making me clean my room, even though I hate it. 6. I love the way you like to read because you always encourage me in reading. 7. I like it when you say Rise and Shine. 8. I love the way you talk on the phone for a long time and I can listen. 9. I remember when you took me Transiberian Orchestra. 10. I LOVE how we both want to open... See More a pet store. 11. You Are The Best Mom That Ever Lived!

Of course, I cut the box apart and taped all of the little slips of paper to a bigger piece of paper and framed it :)

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Brylinism: Mom, what is an orange made out of?
Ummm, orange?
No, what's it MADE of?
It's a fruit that grows on a tree Sweetheart.
Nono, whats it MADE OF Mom?!
Ummmm, I don't know Brylin.
I don't know either, probably chicken.

:D She cracks me up.

Friday, April 30, 2010


Jade is in 3rd grade, she just turned 9. These are questions from her math homework: Which is an example of the Commutative Property? (with 4 choices) Which is an example of the Associative Property? (with 4 choices) and Which figure appears to be congruent to this quadrilateral? WTF?! She's NINE YEARS OLD!! I ...don't even understand the QUESTIONS let alone how to help her find the ANSWERS!!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

God wants you to know

On this day, God wants you to know... that you are beautiful. Even when you feel ugly or depressed or guilty or ashamed, there is an inner spark in you which is light. This light is your beauty. This light is your reflection of God. You are a child of God, thus you are beautiful.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Damn Stump

Brilliant words from the mouth of my almost-18 year old nephew Tylor: "How many times must I fall over the same stump before I open my eyes to it and avoid it?" My eyes have been opened and I will NEVER fall over that damn stump again, ever.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful...for in movement there is life, and in change there is power". Alan Cohen


Brylins take on an ever familiar song: "Kydrun and Josie sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, First comes Love, Then comes Friends, Then comes baby drinking alcohol!!" WTH?!

Monday, March 15, 2010

God wants you to know

On this day, God wants you to know... that 'decision' is only wishful thinking until you take that first irreversible step. You can tell yourself that you have already decided, that nothing now can stop you, but if that step backwards is so much safer than that step forwards, what will hold you true to your path when the going gets tough? Sometimes, the right thing to do is to take that first irreversible step, the one after which you cannot go back. And now, for you, is one of those times.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Out of the mouths of Babes: I bought Kydrun a new shirt that says "Without "ME" there would be no awesoME"!! After I read it to him, he came over, and gave me a hug and said "Mom, without U there would be no fUn!" *biggrins*

God wants you to know

On this day, God wants you to know... that it's your heart that knows who loves you, not your ears or eyes. Listen to the words, and you can be fooled. Look at the actions, and you can be fooled. Feel deeply into your heart, and then you will know the truth.

Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday to the little girl who changed my whole world by making me a Mom. I love you Jade, you're the light in our eyes.

Friday, March 5, 2010

God wants you to know

On this day, God wants you to know... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I am

I am here, I am healthy, I am a lucky and blessed mother of three beautiful monsters. I am okay. I am right where I belong.

Dr. Seuss

"When you think things are bad, when you feel sour and blue, when you start to get mad... you should do what I do! ... Thank goodness for all of the things you are not! Thank goodness you're not something someone forgot, and left all alone in some punkerish place like a rusty tin coat hanger hanging in space. That's why I say, "Duckie! Don't grumble! Don't stew! Some critters are much-much, oh, ever so much-much, so muchly much-much more unlucky than you!"

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Women are ANGELS and when someone breaks their wings they simply continue to fly on a broomstick cause they're flexible like that. ;)

Plan B?

Still on the hamster wheel most of the time. I'm sick of being dizzy; sick of the constant motion. I'm ready to get off. It's time.

Went to therapy again last night, seemed like a waste of time really ... she went into the most typical "What was your relationship with your parents like" mode of thinking and now I'm co-dependant on Will because of the relationship w/ my dad. Kind of bums me out, I was hoping she'd be more insightful. However, I suppose if I am not really enjoying it, it must be good for me. Kind of like exercise. Been a good couple of weeks, mostly. Cried everyday, but have been able to shake it off for the most part. I have such a long, long road ahead of me and I haven't even stopped to tie my shoes yet. Will I ever be healthy? Will I ever be able to let go of the promises and the dreams that were broken and lost?

After my therapy appt, I went out to karaoke w/ some friends. Not sure I'm going to go again. I didn't know a lot of them; most of the men spent their time hanging all over my friend Cammie. Get pretty sick of that. It's really hard to be invisible, which I am at a good portion of these functions, and sometimes even at my own house. I did look cute though, had a good hair night and had my contacts in for the first time in a couple of years :)

Everything is great. But... A couple of weeks ago at a dance I spoke to a very wonderful and insightful man named Brian. I sure like him. Anyway, I said something about my kids being the very, very best thing I have ever done ... the most perfect wonderful thing I have ever done ... but ... He said that I wasn't allowed to say the word "but". He said it's an eraser word. Had me repeat the sentence again w/o tacking the "but" on the end. It felt good to say it w/o negating how wonderful they truly are by saying that I'm going to screw them up, that I AM screwing them up. He also told me that I have permission to say "No". Simply, completely and without a reason. "Will you" "No." It's a sentence and that's it. No, I won't. Now I just need to use it. Sure wish I knew how.

Working on it.

Just thinking about things that make me happy at the moment:
1. I got new contacts yesterday.
2. I got a new camera yesterday!
3. I got a new IPOD Nano Today.
4. I like getting texts from Brian even though he rarely texts.
5. I love getting emails from Brent telling how he is. I wish he'd find a boyfriend, he so deserves it.
6. Being able to talk about marinading a turkey on FB makes me happy.
7. Still: My polka-dotted yellow bra. Just love that thing!
8. My slippers and my smiley face jammie bottoms and of course my fleece zebra jammies!
9. When my kids get along.
10. That my car is clean and shiny and I got new seat covers and a steering wheel cover.
11. My ferrets, as always. It makes me smile when Ari puffs up every time she gets out of the cage and how Asher attacks anything that moves and how Kodiak speed bumps in the middle of the floor and how Ice steals anything he can get into his mouth and how Aspen is just Aspen. I love them and they make me smile, TONS.
12. My kids. How Brylin will yell like the house is on fire "MOM!" and when I say "What?" she says "I LOVE YOU!" How Kydrun always comes in for no reason to lay his head on my shoulder and give me a kiss. How Jade tells me things I don't know and I find out she made them up, i.e. One of her spelling words was "Glowworm". Kydrun asked what a glowworm was and I said "I don't know" and Jade said "It's the larva of a lightening bug" very matter-of-factly. I really thought she was serious. I was shocked "Really? That's cool" and she said "Oh, I don't know, it just sounded good". :)
13. My friends. Cammy sends me an affirmation by text every morning that says: "You are a capable, confident, powerful single mother. There's nothing you can't accomplish. ;)" Kari sends me one that says "I CHOOSE not to get emotionally involved!" Brian sends me :) at the end of every conversation, that's how I know it's over. Every time I post something on my FB status my friends support, laugh, encourage. I am such a blessed person. Sarah said she'd follow up w/ me (just like a Sister Missionary!) to check on my prayers. I'm not doing so well, but her encouragement helps!

I have very little in my life to be unhappy about really. The only thing I'm unhappy about when I stop to think about it is something that I should be happy about: My relationship with William is over. I'm not really "sad" per se about our "relationship" being over. I think I'm grieving that the man I married no longer exists and the man that's now in his place is a real ass. I'm grieving the promises and covenants he made. I'm grieving the future that he promised and that I dreamed of. I'm not really grieving HIM, as he is now. My therapist lady told me at my first visit with her that "You have a Plan A and that's it. No Plan B or Plan C, just a Plan A. Well, Plan A isn't working out, and without a Plan B you're panicking trying to hang on to and make Plan A work. Well Kimberly, Plan A is over, it failed. It's time to come up with a Plan B". Wise words, I need a Plan B, and a Plan C just in case.