For years and years I lived in a fog. I barely remember high school, remember only a handful of friends and am fairly certain that none of them remember me. I spent most of my high school career in a suicidal funk. I was convinced that the world would be a much better place without me in it. I was convinced that no one would even notice if I wasn't in it. Thus was my menial existence from 12 years old on. The only time I can recall NOT feeling this way was as a missionary and even then sometimes the thought would pass through, but not stay. I recall a couple of occasions when I threatened suicide. I cut my wrist once, no where near my veins of course. I swallowed a bottle, literally, of aspirin which induced vomiting within moments so I didn't even need to go to the ER for that one. I guess part of me didn't *really* want to die, but it felt so out of my control. I never knew how life absorbing it was for others to feel responsible to keep me alive until last week.
Someone very close to me felt that everyone would be better off without him. That is an impossibility because he is so enmeshed into so many lives that the loss of him alone would forever alter many, many lives. His threat to me seemed sincere, as did his goodbye. I panicked, of course. I drove like a mad person trying to get to him, to even FIND him because he'd gone into the canyons around Tooele. I called the police and they thankfully got in touch with him and brought him back down out of the canyon. By then he'd of course calmed down. Said he just "needed to blow off steam". Said that that is why he drives so far away so that by the time he gets there he's not as upset anymore, can empty a clip and cool off. I went from sheer panic to vehemently pissed off. Just "blow off steam" ??!!! Then don't f$%^ing tell me that you're going to blow off your head!!
I don't understand why when I was like this and people expressed their concern, as I did for my person, the person won't accept help. I'm medicated now and more aware of the life around me, but still mildly oblivious to the damage I did to people, long lasting damage. I want so desperately to help him, to save him. I feel like an emotional hostage. I cannot say anything for fear of the repercussion, that what I say might rub him wrong, or give him the wrong impression of what I am really saying... Is this how people felt about me? Is this how I made people feel around me? Like they were walking on egg shells? Afraid to upset me? My remorse runs very deep for this. I never knew how it made people feel inside.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things are difficult now, but there is always a way out. The end of story isn't written in stone, it's written in air until you decide how it ends. Nothing has to end badly. The trip might be bad, rocky and painful, but it doesn't have to end that way. I went through some of the most horribly painful awful days of my life in the last 4 1/2 years and the story could have been much different, it could have ended much differently. I'm thankful for the rocky, difficult parts. I hated them every moment I was in them, but it's stretched me and helped me to grow in ways that I wouldn't have before. I have a new appreciation for certain types of pain that people experience, even the excruciating pain of truly believing that you are worth nothing. I still fight with that one everyday. I wouldn't write the story differently, but the ending I can write now and in the future. I think I'll make it a happy ending where we all walk off into the sunset holding hands.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Space
For nearly 34 years now I've heard the story from my mother about how as a moment's old infant I "straight-armed" her. I've been straight-arming people ever since. I don't like to be touched. I have learned socially acceptable "moves" for when in conversation with others, i.e. touching their arms to show I care and am listening. But other than it being an effort on my part to be socially acceptable, I don't like touching or being touched. There are of course exceptions to this general rule, as with anything.
As a child I came from a home that hugging my siblings was a punishment for fighting and being hugged by my parents was an event that was reserved for things like our weddings. I never felt slighted really, being a person who doesn't want to be touched anyway. But there were times that a hug would have made all the difference.
As a parent, I don't want my children to be as "socially awkward" as I was in not being touched, or to feel that they cannot come to me for a hug when it's needed. But, as a person who doesn't like to be touched, parenting in this way is doubly difficult. I LOVED snuggling my babies with their new baby smell but equally enjoyed laying them down on the floor and not holding them.
Jade is very much like me. She wants to be hugged, and held, but on her terms. That has worked very well for me as a parent (with the few exceptions when she's too irresistible and I HAVE to give her a love). Kydrun is by far the touchiest child I've ever met. Part of this is because he's his father's son and Will is a fairly touchy person. Part of it I attribute to his burn. Brylin is also very much like me and wants to be hugged on her terms but at the same time spends MOST of her time on my lap.
As a mom, I think all of our children do things that are generally annoying but with me I think that some of them are made unnecessarily more difficult by my need for space. Mine are "tappers". "Momomomomomom" is accompanied by the invariable tap on the arm, leg or back. This contact sends an electrical shock through me that gives me a stomach ache. It takes all of my control to not shout "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I'm sure MANY parents have this same reaction to that annoying little habit of our children, but I think my reaction is a lot more severe than just general annoyance. The kids have now deemed me as "SAFE" so whenever one of them is picking on the other, or chasing or whatever, I am invariably grabbed for safety. THIS is annoying to the tenth degree. These things are typically annoying to most parents, made worse for me by my lack of touchiness.
Those are not what prompted this. What prompted this is the fact that my kids, especially Kydrun, come in and want kisses and hugs CONSTANTLY. Kydrun is forever coming in and kissing my cheek, my arms, my forehead. So sweet huh?! NO! Oh it drives me insane and makes me shudder every time. What kind of horrible parent am I that I shudder when my sweet, darling and loving son gives me kisses? I am a terrible person. How can I as a parent not want to be touched by my children? Brylin doesn't sleep through the night in her own bed, she wakes up in my bed every morning. Last night while watching a movie Brylin woke up and came and got into my bed. Of course because of her nightmare, she wanted to snuggle. This caused me so much physical discomfort that it was hard to focus on the movie.
It's one thing to want your space; it's another thing entirely to not be able to stand the sweet, loving touches of your children. How does one without boundaries in a figurative sense deal with overly severe boundaries in a physical sense? I don't want to be touched. How do I get over that? How do I learn to WANT to hold my children's hands while we're walking up the sidewalk? How do I learn to WANT goodnight kisses and sweet "I love you" hugs for no reason?
As a child I came from a home that hugging my siblings was a punishment for fighting and being hugged by my parents was an event that was reserved for things like our weddings. I never felt slighted really, being a person who doesn't want to be touched anyway. But there were times that a hug would have made all the difference.
As a parent, I don't want my children to be as "socially awkward" as I was in not being touched, or to feel that they cannot come to me for a hug when it's needed. But, as a person who doesn't like to be touched, parenting in this way is doubly difficult. I LOVED snuggling my babies with their new baby smell but equally enjoyed laying them down on the floor and not holding them.
Jade is very much like me. She wants to be hugged, and held, but on her terms. That has worked very well for me as a parent (with the few exceptions when she's too irresistible and I HAVE to give her a love). Kydrun is by far the touchiest child I've ever met. Part of this is because he's his father's son and Will is a fairly touchy person. Part of it I attribute to his burn. Brylin is also very much like me and wants to be hugged on her terms but at the same time spends MOST of her time on my lap.
As a mom, I think all of our children do things that are generally annoying but with me I think that some of them are made unnecessarily more difficult by my need for space. Mine are "tappers". "Momomomomomom" is accompanied by the invariable tap on the arm, leg or back. This contact sends an electrical shock through me that gives me a stomach ache. It takes all of my control to not shout "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I'm sure MANY parents have this same reaction to that annoying little habit of our children, but I think my reaction is a lot more severe than just general annoyance. The kids have now deemed me as "SAFE" so whenever one of them is picking on the other, or chasing or whatever, I am invariably grabbed for safety. THIS is annoying to the tenth degree. These things are typically annoying to most parents, made worse for me by my lack of touchiness.
Those are not what prompted this. What prompted this is the fact that my kids, especially Kydrun, come in and want kisses and hugs CONSTANTLY. Kydrun is forever coming in and kissing my cheek, my arms, my forehead. So sweet huh?! NO! Oh it drives me insane and makes me shudder every time. What kind of horrible parent am I that I shudder when my sweet, darling and loving son gives me kisses? I am a terrible person. How can I as a parent not want to be touched by my children? Brylin doesn't sleep through the night in her own bed, she wakes up in my bed every morning. Last night while watching a movie Brylin woke up and came and got into my bed. Of course because of her nightmare, she wanted to snuggle. This caused me so much physical discomfort that it was hard to focus on the movie.
It's one thing to want your space; it's another thing entirely to not be able to stand the sweet, loving touches of your children. How does one without boundaries in a figurative sense deal with overly severe boundaries in a physical sense? I don't want to be touched. How do I get over that? How do I learn to WANT to hold my children's hands while we're walking up the sidewalk? How do I learn to WANT goodnight kisses and sweet "I love you" hugs for no reason?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Frustration
As a parent, children are frustrating. As a child, parents are frustrating. But as a SINGLE parent, I think the frustration on both counts triples. There is a certain magic that I believe each parent has. In some ways, that magic is obvious like I'm the one who kisses the boo-boo's but Dad is the one who plays wrestle-mania on the bed. It's what endears our children to us. On the same token, the "Bad Mom" or "Bad Dad", meaning the dicisplinarian, also equals each other out. Where I am at either end of the spectrum, either too allowing or down right mean, Dad tempers that. And where Dad is the firm hand, I soften that. But, as a single parent, there is no one there to temper things. I don't play wrestle-mania on the bed, I don't have the firm hand to make the kids listen and am afraid to get down right mean so I don't ... therefore, I'm the boring mom who won't play that gets walked all over.
I always swore that "when I have kids..." mine would NOT act like a bunch of heathenistic monsters who don't listen and embarrass their mothers while grocery shopping. Yea, so much for THAT statement. My kids are HUMILIATING to take shopping, they are disrespectful to the tenth degree and don't listen to a word I say. In addition, I had them so close because Will and his sister Kim are 18 months apart and grew up as best friends and still are close. That as well didn't happen. Kydrun and Jade would kill each other if given the opportunity; toss Brylin into the mix and one side always outnumbers the other depending on who kisses up to her the best.
I think being a single parent is unfair. It's unfair to me, it's unfair to them. Children need a mom AND a dad in their lives to tuck them in, to spank their bottoms when they're naughty, to play wrestle-mania or to read books. Without both parents in their lives, they are short-sided and get only one side of a fantastic whole. I'm frustrated that my children won't listen to me. I've been asking for two days for them to just clean their rooms. I've been TELLING them all day today. I've been threatening for the last hour. What are they doing? I can hear Kydrun playing swords and I can hear the girls in Jade's room playing pet-shops. What can I do? Even when I do come down like a hammer, they don't budge and all it does is make them afraid of me and makes me madder that they don't listen. I know myself well enough to know that if allowed, my anger would take control and I would/could do serious damage to my children which I am not willing to do. So instead, I sit here with MY work done, trying to nurse a headache made worse by the fact that the three of them just simple don't give a damn about anything that comes out of my mouth and try to find a currency that will make them want to listen. I have 6 bags of their toys in the storage unit because they won't clean them up. I've cleaned up 4 bags at a time once and then like a complete gumby gave them back to them to put away. That oddly worked, but I am actually the one who cleaned the room.
*sigh* I hate being a single parent.
I always swore that "when I have kids..." mine would NOT act like a bunch of heathenistic monsters who don't listen and embarrass their mothers while grocery shopping. Yea, so much for THAT statement. My kids are HUMILIATING to take shopping, they are disrespectful to the tenth degree and don't listen to a word I say. In addition, I had them so close because Will and his sister Kim are 18 months apart and grew up as best friends and still are close. That as well didn't happen. Kydrun and Jade would kill each other if given the opportunity; toss Brylin into the mix and one side always outnumbers the other depending on who kisses up to her the best.
I think being a single parent is unfair. It's unfair to me, it's unfair to them. Children need a mom AND a dad in their lives to tuck them in, to spank their bottoms when they're naughty, to play wrestle-mania or to read books. Without both parents in their lives, they are short-sided and get only one side of a fantastic whole. I'm frustrated that my children won't listen to me. I've been asking for two days for them to just clean their rooms. I've been TELLING them all day today. I've been threatening for the last hour. What are they doing? I can hear Kydrun playing swords and I can hear the girls in Jade's room playing pet-shops. What can I do? Even when I do come down like a hammer, they don't budge and all it does is make them afraid of me and makes me madder that they don't listen. I know myself well enough to know that if allowed, my anger would take control and I would/could do serious damage to my children which I am not willing to do. So instead, I sit here with MY work done, trying to nurse a headache made worse by the fact that the three of them just simple don't give a damn about anything that comes out of my mouth and try to find a currency that will make them want to listen. I have 6 bags of their toys in the storage unit because they won't clean them up. I've cleaned up 4 bags at a time once and then like a complete gumby gave them back to them to put away. That oddly worked, but I am actually the one who cleaned the room.
*sigh* I hate being a single parent.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Time
Wow, it's already the 7th of April. I cannot believe I let the last 2 months get away without sitting down and writing. Just a testament to my severe laziness.
So in February, I made some great strides in becoming an independent and strong woman. On Valentines Day, Will and I went out on an official "Date". It was nice :) We decided that we would "Date" each other and just see what the future holds. We went to the Zoo with the kids on the 15th of February. It was oddly fun. It was warm enough that I ended up carrying the coats, of course, but cool enough that the animals were out and moving around. We got to watch them feed the wolf, and the snow leopard, which is Jade's favorite, was actually out of his hide and sitting in the sun.
One of the most horrible experiences of my life happened on February 12. After falling into complacency I got neglectful of the ferrets and their whereabouts while I was doing a random load of laundry that I don't normally do. After cycling my comforter I opened the washing machine and my beautiful Greenli fell into my hands. I screamed and panicked and pulled the blanket out only to find my newest boy, Sebastian also in there. I'd lost two of my babies in one moment of neglect. I was horrified and in absolute agony. No one really understands the pain I felt, they are "just ferrets" after all, but to me, they're like my children. I love each of them and each of them gives me joy and laughter. I miss them, even today and going back and thinking about it still makes me cry. I still get a stomach ache when I use the washing machine and I still stop the load in a panick afraid I've lost someone in there again. It's one thing to lose a loved one, pet or otherwise, to natural causes, like I lost my Aynsley but to lose one, or worse two, at your own doing is horrendous. While at Petco a week or so later I came across a little marked white baby I had to have so I brought him home. His name is Ice and he's a little terror that I enjoy every moment of. I spent the first 2 weeks syringe feeding him every 4 hours because he wasn't quite old enough to be away from his mother yet. He's grown now, and is doing a wonderful job being the obnoxious new kid to the others. I love my ferrets.
Besides that, the general monotony life wasn't overly exciting in February. I had my ups an downs, my moments of joy and clarity that I wish I would have made note of because my memory is nothing to speak of anymore and my moments of weakness and pain that I'm glad I've forgotten.
The first part of March proved to be an interesting turning point in my life. After some convincing I was able to get Will to attend a singles dance with me. The relationship that Will and I have is so odd on so many levels. We love each other, we're best friends and we love to be together, but we're not married anymore. It was as friends that we attended this dance. There is a guy that I met at a dance in January that I've been looking for named Joe. He's never been to one of the dances I've been to since. There is also a guy named Justin that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch dance at the dances. He's just THAT good at dancing.
Will wanted me to ask him to dance, but I've never been officially introduced to Justin so I was too embarassed to ask him to dance. After several dances, my friend Mandi pointed out that the guy I'd been waiting on, Joe, was actually there!! I practically RAN over and started to talk to him and asked to dance on the next slow song (since I can't dance fast dances). He and I shared a couple of slow songs and some nice conversation. Will fell apart.
After we left the dance Will and I came back here and spent a great deal of time talking. He was so incredibly upset. I couldn't for the life of me understand what he had to be upset about because HE is the one that left ME. I didn't want the divorce in the first place. He knew the risks. He explained everything that had happened over the last 4 months that had been so confusing to me. He'd been telling me "I don't love you anymore" for so long and now he's telling me that was a lie. He said he told me whatever he had to to get me to divorce him because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to protect me from himself. It's all confusing but his explanation was considerably easier to reconsile than his "I don't love you anymore". I just could never believe it. His confession of love, of being in love with me still, of wanting to be with me and being willing to do whatever it takes to win me back has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'd spent so much time moving on, working so hard to wrap my feelings up in a pretty little box with a big blue bow. I'm not sure I want to unwrap them now. I'm not sure I want to risk being hurt by him again. I forgave him the first time, I mostly forgave him the second time, but the second time was followed by a divorce. I was okay being his friend, being there for him, with him, around him. Hearing about his dates, and his life. I had no problem with any of that. Now I am not sure where I am, what I feel, what I WANT to feel or do with my life.
There are only two things that I'm really sure of right now 1. I want to see what might happen with Joe and 2. I love Will and will stand by him down his road back if he wants me to, regardless of where it leads "us".
I'm not as at peace as I was in February with my life.
I am looking right now at getting back into school. I'm not sure where I'm going to go, but I'm looking at SLCC and Dixie. I just need to get my generals done so I can move on to something bigger and better. I hope the years I went before aren't for naught!!
So in February, I made some great strides in becoming an independent and strong woman. On Valentines Day, Will and I went out on an official "Date". It was nice :) We decided that we would "Date" each other and just see what the future holds. We went to the Zoo with the kids on the 15th of February. It was oddly fun. It was warm enough that I ended up carrying the coats, of course, but cool enough that the animals were out and moving around. We got to watch them feed the wolf, and the snow leopard, which is Jade's favorite, was actually out of his hide and sitting in the sun.
One of the most horrible experiences of my life happened on February 12. After falling into complacency I got neglectful of the ferrets and their whereabouts while I was doing a random load of laundry that I don't normally do. After cycling my comforter I opened the washing machine and my beautiful Greenli fell into my hands. I screamed and panicked and pulled the blanket out only to find my newest boy, Sebastian also in there. I'd lost two of my babies in one moment of neglect. I was horrified and in absolute agony. No one really understands the pain I felt, they are "just ferrets" after all, but to me, they're like my children. I love each of them and each of them gives me joy and laughter. I miss them, even today and going back and thinking about it still makes me cry. I still get a stomach ache when I use the washing machine and I still stop the load in a panick afraid I've lost someone in there again. It's one thing to lose a loved one, pet or otherwise, to natural causes, like I lost my Aynsley but to lose one, or worse two, at your own doing is horrendous. While at Petco a week or so later I came across a little marked white baby I had to have so I brought him home. His name is Ice and he's a little terror that I enjoy every moment of. I spent the first 2 weeks syringe feeding him every 4 hours because he wasn't quite old enough to be away from his mother yet. He's grown now, and is doing a wonderful job being the obnoxious new kid to the others. I love my ferrets.
Besides that, the general monotony life wasn't overly exciting in February. I had my ups an downs, my moments of joy and clarity that I wish I would have made note of because my memory is nothing to speak of anymore and my moments of weakness and pain that I'm glad I've forgotten.
The first part of March proved to be an interesting turning point in my life. After some convincing I was able to get Will to attend a singles dance with me. The relationship that Will and I have is so odd on so many levels. We love each other, we're best friends and we love to be together, but we're not married anymore. It was as friends that we attended this dance. There is a guy that I met at a dance in January that I've been looking for named Joe. He's never been to one of the dances I've been to since. There is also a guy named Justin that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch dance at the dances. He's just THAT good at dancing.
Will wanted me to ask him to dance, but I've never been officially introduced to Justin so I was too embarassed to ask him to dance. After several dances, my friend Mandi pointed out that the guy I'd been waiting on, Joe, was actually there!! I practically RAN over and started to talk to him and asked to dance on the next slow song (since I can't dance fast dances). He and I shared a couple of slow songs and some nice conversation. Will fell apart.
After we left the dance Will and I came back here and spent a great deal of time talking. He was so incredibly upset. I couldn't for the life of me understand what he had to be upset about because HE is the one that left ME. I didn't want the divorce in the first place. He knew the risks. He explained everything that had happened over the last 4 months that had been so confusing to me. He'd been telling me "I don't love you anymore" for so long and now he's telling me that was a lie. He said he told me whatever he had to to get me to divorce him because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to protect me from himself. It's all confusing but his explanation was considerably easier to reconsile than his "I don't love you anymore". I just could never believe it. His confession of love, of being in love with me still, of wanting to be with me and being willing to do whatever it takes to win me back has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'd spent so much time moving on, working so hard to wrap my feelings up in a pretty little box with a big blue bow. I'm not sure I want to unwrap them now. I'm not sure I want to risk being hurt by him again. I forgave him the first time, I mostly forgave him the second time, but the second time was followed by a divorce. I was okay being his friend, being there for him, with him, around him. Hearing about his dates, and his life. I had no problem with any of that. Now I am not sure where I am, what I feel, what I WANT to feel or do with my life.
There are only two things that I'm really sure of right now 1. I want to see what might happen with Joe and 2. I love Will and will stand by him down his road back if he wants me to, regardless of where it leads "us".
I'm not as at peace as I was in February with my life.
I am looking right now at getting back into school. I'm not sure where I'm going to go, but I'm looking at SLCC and Dixie. I just need to get my generals done so I can move on to something bigger and better. I hope the years I went before aren't for naught!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)