At this time in my life I feel heavily at a crossroads. The map which I had used to navigate through my life lead me to a dead-end. I have spent the last two years, since my divorce from William wandering aimlessly about my own life. I would find brief respites of light and warmth but mostly I floundered helplessly in the dark.
I had 3 small Sparks of life who kept me moving my feet; opening my eyes despite the suffocating darkness; kept my heart beating within my chest with the beauty of their faces, their laughter & their "I Love You Mom!"
In my vast ignorance despite Divine knowledge I stepped from the good graces of my Savior. This deviation has left my Spirit cold, hungry & tired... She must be fed or I fear soon I'll be lost with no hope of direction.
July/August 2010. I came to accept that William was never going to come home. That even if he DID come home, I didn't really want him to. He moved on, and moved in with a girl he met at his bus driving job. It took me a long time, but when that door shut, it was shut. The light had left my eyes, I had lost direction. But with the closing of that big, archaic door, the Lord opened a huge, refreshing window that quietly dusted out some of my cobwebs and provided me new air to breathe.
Late August... the light started to come back to my eyes; the Sun seemed on the brink of the horizon. Through my darkened vision danced a new, beautiful hot pink Spark named "WaWa". This spunky little Spark had a twin brother who equally pleased the vision of my heart & soul. Not long after these two Sparks joined the three I had they brought a sweet, third amber colored Spark w/ them.
Still in virtual darkness with a very dim hope the sun would ever actually rise, I enjoyed the light, the warmth, the laughter & the love of my 6 little Sparks. I even loved their source without ever realizing it.
My Sun was so near the horizon ...
In a hand-off at the pool w/ Kevin, Autumn & Aurora's dad, I finally met him. He was sitting alone in the corner in the shade. I sat down and visited with him briefly during which he was obviously contemplating climbing over the fence to leave the pool area and get away from me.
Behind those sunglasses, behind the introversion & the shy smile lay the Sun that rose in my heart and flooded my soul with joy.
MY SUN HAD RISEN!!
The darkness still loomed, cold and afraid but the new dawn and given me enough strength to find my way. The new Sun & my happy little Sparks giving me the courage to move ever closer to the Sunrise & the peace I needed, & desperately longed for.
Each step I took, closing the gap, served to unthaw my world. My six little Sparks became 9 & grew increasingly brighter... My beautiful Sparks!
Finding my way into Tyler's arms was a process of months. A sun does not rise all at once. Tyler is so shy & socially backwards & was as much in need of me as I was of him.
I am in love with Tyler. This realization, the exposure of my whole self to my now fully risen Sun is frightening beyond words.
My previous map, "The road to happiness" lead me only to darkness, pain & despair.
So, here I stand at a proverbial crossroads clinging to the signpost. I know which way I should go, it is achingly obvious whenever I'm in his arms. But I fear so richly that my map is wrong yet again, that North is really East and that I'll end up back in the dense fog of love lost.
Tyler, my Sun, his kids, 6 of my little Sparks are WORTH the risk. It is a challenge being together - but it is one I want to face. I will climb whatever obstacle is necessary. Right now though, I am prying my hands free of the signpost.
My Sweet Tyler, everything I ever could have dreamed of. He is patient, kind, loving, attentive, honorable, loyal, a WONDERFUL dad, honest. He is SO like me & so very different. He struggles with his faith in some of the same area's that I do, but strengthens me at the same time. He dreams dreams so very like mine - barefoot, flannel blanket, fire, snow & quiet. He, however, is logical & analytical where I am emotional. We are a perfect match. He is handsome, and has the most beautiful eyes. His hands are brilliant to watch. His smile is mesmerizing.
I do worry though. I worry he won't be capable of, or willing to love me the way I need to be loved. He has been labeled by his ex-wife, to the point of belief, "selfish". I was married to Selfish for 8 years & spent two additional years trying to chase it down. I don't want to do it again, ever. I think there is a happy medium somewhere that we can meet at - I just hope I don't lose myself into the depths of this relationship. Even too much Sun can hurt.
I know what I need... I need someone who cares more for me than himself. Who wants to make my life easier. Who is thankful to have me in his life. Who wants to see that my needs are met before his own. I'm sure there are more...
Bumper sticker: "Curiosity didn't kill your cat, my car did!"
Text from Tyler: "I'm nauseous." Me: "Call the Dr!" Tyler: "He said I should stop jumping on the bed."
1. Obviously, Tyler. His tender kisses that melt into my lips & into my heart.
2. Silk (my cat)
3. Good pens with blue ink.
4. That Summer did not ask me to take her for food today.
5. Tylers car, for him allowing me to use it. It makes me life so much easier.
6. That Tyler doesn't get angry about money. That he trusts me.
7. Master Jones (the kids karate instructor)