Life

Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The New Me

My beautiful friend Mandi started using HCG about 3 weeks ago. She created a blog for herself to log her progress. It's been fun hearing about how she's progressing through her journey. I thought I'd do the same.

I'm trying to reinvent myself into the person I've wanted to be but could just never become. I recently got permanent eyeliner put on, which I LOVE. It's so nice because sometimes it's just hard to get make-up on every morning, and this way I already have it on. It wasn't anywhere near as painful as I was expecting it to be. It actually didn't hurt at all until about 2 hours afterward and only hurt for about 3 hours. The swelling was down within a couple of days. Despite an infection which I got because I had applied mascara and ended up crying, so I was wiping at my eyes with my dirty, grubby hands.


Something else I am doing to become the me I know is inside is I am starting the HCG shots. I'd like to monitor my progress, and document it. I'm a bit nervous to give myself these shots, but I know it's going to pay off in the end. Here are my stats so far:
Weight: 227 (8/14)
Bust: 41
Waist: 35
Abdomen: 45
Hips: 47
Thighs: 28
Arms: 13
Body Fat: 41.6%
BMI: 94
Pant size: 18

I am on my loading days right now, today and tomorrow and then I start into the actually diet portion of this. I can eat only 500cals a day. I'm a bit worried about this, but I don't eat much anyway, so it may not be as difficult as I'm making it out to be. Tuesday is going to be rough though because we're taking the kids to Lagoon.

I have a membership to Curves fitness that I've been sorta using. Once I get on a more set schedule at work, it will be much easier for me to make it there regularly.

So this is my start. My goal right now is to fit into those two size 16 jeans I have in the top of my closet I bought but can't wear.

Here we go!!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Red

"Which color best suits your personality?" with the result You are Red!

Red people are passionate and fiery. You do everything with energy and vibrance. You probably have a bit of a temper, too. You are always up for an adventure, and you almost never get tired! You have an intensity that is hard for some people to stand, but your friends love it about you. You are probably very opinionated and loyal, jumping up to defend the ones you love when they need you. You can sometimes be a little rash - quick to make decisions without really considering the outcome. As a general rule, you follow your heart more than your head. You can be competitive, and are probably good at just about everything. You, in a nutshell: Passionate, energized, loyal, intense, competent, extroverted, adventurous. RED!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Growth

It's been a couple of weeks. It's been a very rocky couple of weeks. I'm sick of rocky.

Although Will and I were divorced in December, we were more "separated" than actually divorced. Until 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago he decided this girl he's been seeing is a serious thing. He cut me out entirely. Whenever we'd talk he was mean, and curt. He started to verbally abuse me because he was frustrated. It got to be difficult. I think the most difficult part was because he moved on years ago. He went through our divorce 4 years before we ever had it. He's perfectly fine being with and having feelings for someone else. For me, my divorce is only 3 weeks old. I'm a bit mad about it actually... I wish I'd of just done this in January and spent the last 6 months growing instead of going through the same pain over and over and over. It's rediculous.

But I'm growing. I've gotten more of a backbone now. I'm standing up for myself, establishing and working on enforcing better boundaries. I've really realized now that I am not in love with Will, I haven't been for a long time, but he's comfortable and it's easy. It's easy to be around him, it's easy to talk to him, it's just easy. Going out into the world is what is hard. Meeting new people is hard. The idea of falling in love again is hard. The quote I've heard a lot that comes to mind right now is "I Never Said It Would Be Easy, I Only Said It Would Be Worth It" - Jesus.

I guess this is the hard part and the worth it part is yet to come.

I started a new job yesterday at Intermountain Healthcare. I'm really excited about this. It's a good position, a good starting place for growth and expansion in my life. I have the opportunity to basically pick what shifts I want to work, and am able to ease back into the workforce that I have been out of for 5 years. When I was going for the interview that I was shocked I got, I sat in the car and prayed. I said "Lord, I do not want this job. I want to stay at home with the kids and I don't want to work. BUT if YOU want me to have this job, then you'll need to open my mouth, open my mind and get me this job." I went into the interview, I thought it went okay, a couple of things I thought I wouldn't get it for. They told me it would be Monday or Tuesday of the following week (my interview was on Monday). I got called on Wednesday offering me the position. Apparently one of the managers, my new manager, grabbed my sheet and told the other two interviewers that she wanted me ... I had the job before I even got to the elevators. I told the Lord, "Okay, you got me the job, now get me daycare." I started calling around and couldn't find anywhere that would be able to pick the kids up from school and keep them if I were to work a late shift. Then I made a call to my RS president, who knew of a woman who used to live in the ward but had recently moved. I called her and she can pick them up and keep them late. There's a couple of bumps in that road that I'm going to have to go over, but apparently this is what the Lord wants so I'm not overly worried about it. I'll do the footwork if he guides my steps. I also figured that since He's the one that wants me to have this job that I'd better do a phenominal job.

I'm excited to move on with my life. Meet new people, enjoy new things. I recently went to a dance and although I had a bit of trepidation when we first got there, I quickly was able to come out of it and had a fantastic time. Mandi makes me smile and I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship. She's such a good, genuine and pure person. I could only hope to be like her someday. I met some cute guys, learned some new dance moves (which I am terrible at) and just smiled, a lot.

I'm still in the refiners fire, but it isn't as uncomfortable anymore. I think I'm ready to listen now, to allow Him to mould me into what He needs me to be instead of resisting and thinking my way is best.

Kids

June 24, 2009
My matter-of-fact daughter Brylin came in and stated "Mom, can you sell Jade and get me a new sister?" I chuckled and said No, and she responded, again very seriously, "Why? Cause you growed her out of your tummy and no one else would want her?" Yep baby, that's why.

June 29, 2009
Brylin, while trying to learn to spell has started to speak in sounds. Cat is c-a-t with the sounds of letters rather than the names of the letters. She's standing here spelling words like d-a-d, h-a-t with their sounds. She spelled d-i-d-i-t and I said Did It? And she spelled it again. I didn't get it and she said the word, which sounded to me like Did It. I frustrated her and she said it slower and the word she was trying to spell was JESUS .. d-e-e-t-u-t. Her R's are still funny and her S's are still T's.

July 1, 2009
After getting out of the bath this morning, Brylin decided that streaking was the best way to dry off. I was finishing a movie I was too exhausted to finish last night. She came in and stood right in front of the tv in all her nakedness. I said "Brylin, get your naked butt out from in front of the tv and get some panties on." She kept her feet planted but turned her head just enough that I could see her eyes, stuck her bum out at me, reached around and spanked herself and said "Kiss my booty!" and then proceeded to shake said booty and laugh until she had tears in her eyes.

After her nakedness was clothed she wanted to play on the computer. The computer was acting up, so I had to come over and help her figure it out. She looked up from my chair and said "You're my favoritest Mom ever." I smiled and kissed her on her forehead and said "You're my favoritest Brylin ever." She look at me and said "You mean, daughter. I'm your favoritest DAUGHTER ever." Nice clarification there Munkey Face.

July 2, 2009
This morning while on the way to school Jade said "Mom, have I ever explained to you the way that it feels to retrieve information I rarely use from my brain?" I wasn't sure which to gawk at, her saying retrieve or the statement "information I rarely use" ... obviously being less eloquant then she, I just said "No?" She proceeded to explain: "When I need to retrieve information, it feels like I have little bugs in my brain that crawl around and stir my brain until they find the informaton they need. Then the little bugs feed the information to the part of my brain that I use and then they go rest." "Why bugs?" "I don't know mom, I don't know how the brain works."

July 7, 2009
Today Brylin showed me what appeared to be a mosquito bite. When I said "Oh, it's a mosquito bite" she said "No it's not, it's a mean lady bug bite. The mean lady bugs are black.

While Kydrun was trying to explain something to Jade she just didn't get it. He tried several times to get her to understand and finally he just sighed with his whole body, shook his head and said "You're hopeless Jade".

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Stripped

Will,

"I just saw Haley's comet, she waved said "Why you always running in place? Even the man in the moon disappears somewhere in the stratosphere." ..."I'm not afraid of what I have to say, this is my one and only voice so listen close, it's only for today"

I figured this would be easier than a text, or a phone call or whatever. It's generally easier for me to be honest about my feelings when I write them than when I try to speak them out loud.

I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I don't hate you, that I am not angry with you. I figured out why that is. It's because I have SO many things to hate you for, to be angry about that I cannot pick just one ... so I don't pick any. But I decided I don't care, I'm not even angry... I'm simply indifferent to you. The opposite of love is not hate William, it's indifference. The indifference of whether a person lives or dies, comes or goes.

I have been stripped and I stand here completely naked, just a skeleton of a person. You stripped me, piece by piece until I stand here this way. You stripped me of my self respect as a person by being angry with me for something that was out of my control: My illness. I didn't choose to be sick, I didn't choose this!! I hate every moment of everyday that I am imbalanced. I tried so hard to please you in every way, everyday I did the best I could, I still do. I went to bed so many nights and cried feeling like such an utter failure as a wife, as a mother. You KNEW something was wrong but instead of helping me you judged me, you resented me, you withdrew from me leaving me entirely abandoned and alone feeling like I was so unlovable that even the man who promised his eternity to me couldn't love me. You stripped me of my ability to trust. I was talking to the Bishop a couple of weeks ago to ask for a blessing and it actually made my stomach hurt because I was even afraid to trust GOD. I can't even pray because I can't trust that He'll listen to me. Nothing anyone says is true anymore; not Mandi, she says she's my friend but I don't trust it and am finding ways to poke holes in it; Mo, says that he loves me and will stand by my side and even though he's proven that again and again, I still don't trust it and am skeptical. If the man who not only swore to me, but also swore to God that he would be faithful, truthful, honorable blatantly lied then everyone else is too. You've stripped me of my family, your family. You knew I wanted to go to that funeral and you said "You could have gone if you wanted to" Yes, I could have invited myself, forced myself into your family affair, uncomfortably imposed but not as a member of the family. You've stripped me of my Eternity, my future. I stand here utterly lost because the future that you promised me, COVENENTED with me that WE would have you stripped away. Now I have no idea where to go, what to do, where to turn. There is no future now, everywhere I walk is the past. So I cling to the future you promised, hoping somehow I'll get it back; I know now I won't ... EVER. You stripped me of my dignity and my worthiness. You laid with those women, Angelisa, Liz, Vanessa and some random girl named Ricki.. I wonder about Dora too. You laid with them and then laid with me. You KNEW I was trying so hard yet you took advantage of my weaknesses, of my love and devotion to you. Even when I DID tell you I couldn't, you still played me, played my weaknesses and my physical need for you; knowing my need to be LOVED and wanted was your weapon to get me to fall. You stripped me of my strength to be a person, my person, ME. I became "Will's Kim" "My wife" "Will's wife" ... my life was centered on YOU. You would give me just enough to keep me wanting more so I wouldn't leave you. Now I cling to my phone just WAITING for you to text me, or call me of your own accord only to be met with excuses when I say anything. "I'm just busy" ... yet you text Ricki and Shawna constantly all throughout your busy days. You stripped me of my innocence and my naive belief that true love does exist and eternal marriages do last. You stripped me of my belief I could be loved. Over and over and over you said "I love you, just not like that" " I am just not in love with you anymore" "I will not do anything to change for you, you're not worth it" (Not your words, of course, but they might as well have been). You stripped me of laughter and joy. We used to laugh, God I miss your laugh. Life became all about money, bills, stress. No faith in the fact that we'd be okay as long as we had each other, as long as we were whole. I was afraid to play because you were never in the mood. The ONE time I tried most recently you compared me to Vanessa and told me how annoying it was. Now I live my life in fear, and stress that you're not going to have enough to pay me the CS and my rent isn't going to get paid. I stress about gas money because as soon as you do give me the monthly payment, the money is immediately gone to my bills. I want to be home to take care of the kids, but now I have to stress about getting a job, finding someone to watch the kids while I'm gone, going to school. There is no joy in my life anymore except the rare moments when the kids actually love me. You've stripped me of my ability to trust my own instinct, my own emotions and my honesty. You've held me as an emotional hostage for our ENTIRE MARRIAGE, left me in fear of saying exactly how I felt for fear that it would set you off, send you running out of the house with the gun. Leaving me in fear that you were going to take your own life. I remember when we lived in our very first apartment, we'd been married less than 6 months because I was still pregnant with Jade, I said something random I don't even remember what and I remember you getting SO upset and laying on the couch in the living room SOBBING and talking about how you would be better of dead, how I would be and Jade would be better of without you. I laid down on the floor beside you ... just like I've done COUNTLESS times since then. Afraid to say what I felt because you'd turn it around on me, put words in my mouth, make me sorry I spoke up. You stripped me of my ability to forgive. I forgave you, and forgave you and forgave you and you took advantage of it. You said you were sorry, but did it again. You promised you'd never cheat on me again and you did. I forgave it ALL and you just walked all over it. You stripped me of my memories. My good memories are gone now, tainted. The memory of walking down the isle to Pachelbel's Canon, a song I used to love but now drives me to tears. Chris LeDoux's "Look at you girl" ... our first dance makes my stomach hurt. Christmas will always be the day my marriage ended. You stripped me of myself. The things that would have made me happy I gave up to make sure you were taken care of. I put aside my own wants, and needs to make sure that your every whim was met. I'd stay home JUST to be with you, to savor the FEW moments I had and you'd just brush me off, or leave since I was there to be with the kids. I'd stand back after doing everything I could to please you, just like a loyal dog waiting for my pat on the head and it rarely ever came ... Mostly I was met with annoyance, sometimes even anger. I never got my pat on the head. You stripped me of the promises you made. Even the stupid ones: You promised to take me hunting... something I looked SOOO forward to!! You have stripped me of my ability to even feel anymore. I feel nothing anymore. And now ... as of about 4 hours ago you have stripped me of my very best friend in the world. How many times have I TRIED to confide in you, TRIED to share with you the pain in my heart so that I can understand it, come to grips with it, get my head around it. I have tried to be your friend SO many times ... even to the point of befriending Vanessa to make it easier on YOU. I ask about your women, your life, your work because I want you to know that you have SOMEONE to talk to. I figured out why I had an issue with Ricki and I turned to my best friend and instead of reassuring me you just blew me off like what I felt was unimportant and you have ALWAYS done it. Instead of hearing me, acknowledging the feelings I am having ... my fear of having to combat "Ricki, Vanessa, whoever is this and that and the other" when I already feel like such a failure as a mother hearing so many times a day that they hate me that I lose count. Instead of respecting that and helping me to deal with it, you just dismissed it like I was being irrational. Just like my fears about Liz when I found those emails. I told you how I felt and you turned it around until I felt SOOOO guilty about how I felt that I actually BEGGED you to call her and apologize for me. I don't have anyone anymore. I've been completely abandoned. You say that you are here ... and you are, for the kids. I'm just an extra piece of baggage that you have to deal with when you come over.
I am a skeleton now. With only 3 things to live for, the most important things in the entire world. The sun rises and sets on them, even though they hate me. I would crawl through the deepest recesses of hell, and sometimes I actually feel like I already have, for them.

William, I don't care what you do anymore. If you want to drink, drink. If you want to sleep with random strange girls who you find in bars, you do that, enjoy. If you want to introduce the kids to all of the random women that you meet before you're even truly committed to them, it's out of my control. If you want to compromise YOUR standards, that's unfortunate. If you want to run into the mountains and shoot yourself, then I am SO sorry for you. Sorry that you felt that was your only option, but I won't ever chase you again. You broke me Will. You broke MY will. You broke me down to the point where I am not even sure I am going to be able to put me all back together. I'm battered, bleeding and broken and I have reached out to you time and time again begging you to help me, help me stand back up, just stand by me and wipe the tears away ... I begged you EVERYNIGHT this last week to come and hold me, I was sick, I was tired, overwhelmed and I needed SOMEONE. Ricki had ONE bad day and you ran to her aid to make her smile and cursed yourself for failing. I had 3 sick children, in addition to myself for an entire week BY MYSELF, not even my own mother would come ... I went for 48 hours with no more than about 4 hours of intermittent sleep and you couldn't even call to see how I was, let alone answer my pleas to come and rescue me from my loneliness for ONE NIGHT. You went out bought Popsicles, medicine and all kinds of other things for your girlfriend, how many Popsicles did you buy for the kids, what medicine did you buy for the kids? You came over on Tuesday night because I begged you to to stay with the kids so that I could go to the store. I am sitting here wondering if you're even going to read this, if you even care while you do, if you'll reply. I thought I'd cry ... I really did. I did as I sat down and started thinking of the lyrics to that song but then I processed them "Why you always running in place..." Why AM I always running in place? Doing the same thing over and over... even today, knowing you'd been with her, probably last night I still allowed myself to be intimate with you. I thought I'd cry for all of the things I've lost ... especially you, my heart; My best friend, my confidant, my soul mate ... But I'm not, I'm just shrugging because I can't even care anymore. I fought so hard for you, I fought physically with Ann for you, I fought myself, my conscience and the Spirit for you. I fought everything for you, and I could never win because you just simply didn't care.

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance" I've said goodbye to you before, time and again... hoping I'd actually mean it, but I never did until now. Goodbye William, my love, my Honey. Goodbye to our future, our friendship and companionship. I truly wish you well in your life.

I do not want you to understand my goodbye to our friendship to mean that we cannot be friendly to one another because I truly hope more than anything that we can, especially for the kids. But the days of us discussing our lives, rather your life, are over. If you need me, I'll do what I can for you, always, you know that. But I will not go out of my way for you anymore, I will not sacrifice myself for you again.

I'll forever be grateful for the time we had together. For the love I felt for you because I would much rather of had that love for a time than to never have loved you at all.

X

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Anniversary

Tomorrow, the 24th, will mark the 6th month anniversary of our divorce. August 24th will mark month 8 as well as the eve of what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary.

I wish I could talk to you. Tell you the things in my head, in my heart. I guess it's safe here, you can delete it and pretend you never read it.

I keep remembering so many things. I remember the first time I saw you on the mission. We were outside the Chinese Buffet after Christmas Conference. Tiger was going home and I wanted a hug goodbye ... never was one for the rules was I? I thought you were good looking but looked too old to be a missionary. I remember sitting in the car with you and Hales talking about so many things, seeing you in the rear view mirror. I remember making up excuses to call just to chat. I remember wanting to see you so badly before I left the field but we could never make it work. I went home the day after your 21st birthday. I remember dragging you to the temple with me in January. I remember sitting in the Celestial Room with you in your funny hat... and I remember looking at you and suddenly my black and white world was full of color. My heart that was so still suddenly beat and my lungs which had never tasted air finally took a deep breath. It was like I was finally alive. I was flooded in that moment with my lifetimes worth of love I had for you. I realized right then and there that I'd loved you and been in love with you all that time but I was just then feeling it. It was amazing, and scary. I remember the first time you kissed me, I felt it to my bones. It was the most sensual and delicious kiss I'd ever had. I still feel the same way when I kiss you. I remember sitting in Sconecutter and I wanted so badly to tell you I loved you but wanted you to say it first. You knew I had something to say and said "just say it" so I said "I love you William Safford" It was so important to me to use your name, so you knew that I wasn't just in love with Saff ... this was bigger than the mission. I remember your eyes, your beautiful, deep brown, gorgeous eyes and your smile and you said "I love you too". I remember the first time we had sex. What a ridiculous moment that was! :) I remember the second time after snow shoeing. It was still daylight, you could see my ugly body and you didn't care. It felt amazing to be that close to you, to feel you in me. I still feel that way when we make love, only stronger. I remember becoming your wife, the look on your face, the light in your eyes. I miss it. So many things I remember that I've lost forever now.

I wish, everyday, that we would have talked during our marriage. That when you told me your concerns, your stresses, that I would have heard you. I wish I could have done better. I wish that you could understand the way I was feeling inside then. I felt abandoned. I felt like you just abandoned me. I felt overwhelmed with everything, which I know now is a combination of the imbalance and my general personality. I felt totally unloved. I felt like all you wanted me for was sex because you wouldn't kiss me, you would just grab my boobs or my crotch. That is why I wouldn't let you touch me, because I felt like all you wanted me for was the sex, that we weren't making love. It seems so ridiculous now how we were both feeling and how with some better communication (and medication) we could have fixed it. I spent a great deal of our marriage angry at you. It's funny, now, that the night before you told me about Ann, Brylin woke up crying (like always). You got so mad and yelled at her for crying and I remember lying in bed mad that you'd yelled at her and I said to myself "somethings gotta give or this marriage is over". I wish we would have gone to counseling. I want you to know I'm not angry anymore. I know it doesn't matter now, but I wanted you to know.

Baby I want you to know more than anything in this world that I have always loved you to the marrow in my bones. Since you've been gone I can't breathe anymore, and the world is looking a little grey. It'll be okay, I will get used it. Above the drinking, above just about everything, I wanted you back. If you would have said the words "I want you back" I would have overlooked it all. I tried so many times to get you to say those words but you never would. You always protested. It's probably just as well I suppose but I wish you would have. I ALWAYS wanted you regardless of your choices. You're right though, I'd end up on your case about the alcohol and the thing with Ricki would never go away. It's hard to know that I'm not as good, I don't have as much experience as these other girls. I'd feel self-conscious like I already do.

Thank you Honey, for everything. For letting me fall in love with you while you were wearing your funny temple hat. Thank you for the memories of snow shoeing, the first time we held hands, our first kiss, Martina McBride, Papa Murphy's and Notting Hill.

I ALWAYS WANTED YOU, always.
Me

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Declaration

I declare:

I will not go out with a man who hasn't asked me out first.
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
I will not go out with a man who drinks, smokes or does drugs.
I will not go out with a man who is afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me once. No more second chances.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.
I will not date a man who cannot take me to the temple.
I will never be with a man who swears at or calls me names.
I will not be with a man who would rather be with his buddies than with me.

Oddly, I realized not long after coming up with this list that Will has done EVERY SINGLE one of these things. Wow, I wasted a lot of my time.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Stalker

I read a book recommended by a good friend called "He's just not that into you". Good book. A little blan, I skimmed a lot of it, a lot of it didn't apply or was difficult to apply because the guy who is "just not that into me" and I have kids together so the option of just never speaking to him again is out. Also, as far as I am concerned is the option of creating a "business" relationship with him. But it was interesting none the less. I realized through reading this book that my boy Joe, that I've been waiting 6 months to see again is just not that into me. If he were, he'd of found a way to find me, gone to every dance, talked to everyone I knew. Much in the same way I cyber-stalked him trying to find his number. My boy Brandon, that works at Maverik that I flirted so heavily with is just not that into me. I gave him MY number on a napkin and said "text me sometime when you're bored". Never heard from him. Went in another time and saw him (I planned my visits when he was there, yes, I'm a stalker) and asked him how he was and he said "SO hungover!" Oh, so he's a drinker, great. Saw him a couple of weeks later outside smoking ... great. So not only is he not that into me, but I had to throw the brakes on that one!! I'm tired of wasting my time. I won't do it again. If they want me ... they better get in motion and come get me.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dreams

I'm reading a new book series called The Great and Terrible by Chris Stewart. I just finished reading the first book. Although, imho, poorly written it was thought provoking. There were descriptions in there that brought flickers of recollection to mind from my own life. I've only ever shared this story with a handful of people.

Some excerpts from the book; they're a bit out of context because you have to know the characters and the story behind it, which I'm not going to give but these characters are speaking to Heavenly Father:

"...Luke shot a worried look toward Beth as he thought of the vision he'd seen. "Will it be like Lucifer showed me?" he asked worriedly.
The Father frowned a little. "I'm afraid that it will." He put his arm around Beth. "But you will make it," he assured her. "I know how strong you've become. And remember, all of you, that I will always be there." ...
...Then they saw one great family working and laughing and playing with God, a sustained march of people that extended from brother Michael to the last child born, one chain, and eternal lineage of brothers and sisters and husbands and wives...
...Sweeping his arms across eternity, the Father explained, "I am sending you to earth at a very treacherous time. Once you are there, you will forget everything. And the things you will deal with will seem so important to you. Your everyday problems will seem incredibly large-your work and your school, your family and friends, what to wear, how you look. Are you fat? Are you strong? Are you pretty? Are you smart? Do you make enough money? Do other people like you? Why weren't you chosen for a game or group activity? Why isn't life always fair? Worries such as these may consume you and take all your time. ... It will be easy to forget that life is always good - there whether you are here or on earth, you are meant to find joy. ...
"...So on quiet nights in the summer, when you are still and peaceful, I want you to look up at the heavens, the moon and the stars so your spirit can remember these things I have shown you today. And if you do, you will remember, somewhere deep in your soul, that you are a part of a heavenly family, a heavenly plan, something eternal and wonderful and incredibly large. You will remember that your family is up here cheering for you, that family is the only thing that matters, the only thing of any significance. ... "...I've seen he world, dear Father, and it's a dark, dangerous place. And if we can't remember that you love us, how are we going to know? ..."But if you listen, I will tell you. If you listen closely, you will know." (The Great and Terrible, volume 1 PROLOGUE: The Brothers by Chris Stewart; chapter 21 pages 195-197.)

When I was 15-ish I wanted nothing more than to die. I had faith in God, in something larger than myself but failed to see or understand the significance of it. I was lost inside my own head and felt numb from the eyebrows down. I simply existed, I wasn't alive and I longed to be dead more than I longed to breathe. One night, after a rather feeble attempt at suicide I went to bed in my entirely blacked out room. I remember looking at my alarm on my desk across the room and it was 7:06pm. I woke up at 12:37pm, looked at the clock and closed my eyes again. When I opened my eyes again my alarm clock was gone, my room completely black. I sat up, confused on the edge of my bed wondering if the power had gone out. While I sat there trying to get the sleep to clear from my mind and to figure out exactly what was going on I caught sight of a hole in my wall. It looked like a nail hole, or a drill hole that went all the way through the wall and the light in the next room was on. I'd never noticed it before so I stood up and carefully (my room was a mess) walked across the floor with my hands stretched out in front of me so I didn't run into the desk. I never reached my desk and when I put my hand up to try to touch the minute little hole, I was suddenly surrounded with light. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust from my darkness into the light.

When my eyes adjusted I found myself staring out across a sea of people all in white. They were without number. There was a peace, a beauty and an underlying joy I could feel but that I found very, very difficult to take in. I stood there confused not sure what to do, to think, where to go. Then I heard my name.

"Kimberly." It was a sentence, not a question and the voice was unmistakable although it had been many years since I'd heard it. It was my paternal Grandmother, Pauline Moon. When I turned to her voice I saw her and I swelled with happiness. There stood my little red-haired grandma flanked on one side by my maternal step-grandpa and my favoritest person in the world Grandpa Williams and on the other two people who I didn't know; a very tall dark haired man and a short white haired lady neither of whom ever spoke. I ran to them, relieved.

"Why are you here?" Grandma asked. "You're not suppose to be here. You need to go back." I was confused again. I didn't WANT to go back, I was finally where I wanted to be and there was nothing making me want to go back. "Please don't make me" I begged. Grandpa stepped over, wrapped me in his arms and said "You have to go back, you aren't suppose to be here" I cried. I spent what seemed like forever begging, pleading, bargaining and crying that I might just stay. "There's nothing there for me. I don't want to go back."

Grandma turned me around to face this huge sea of people who all seemed to be staring at me. "Do you see all of these people?" "Yes." "These are the people that YOU will influence in your lifetime to follow the Savior; that you will bring into the church; that you will do their work in the temple. Without YOU, your influence, your presence they will be lost." But there were SO many. I begged again, "PLEASE don't make me go back. I'M lost. There's no way that I can influence anybody. Someone else can help them, someone else will be there, someone else is stronger. Please let me stay!" They all shook their heads and wrapped their arms around me. "It's time for you to go back now."

"Please go with me. I can't do it alone. Please don't make me go do it alone." Grandpa put his arm around me and hugged me to him and whispered, "We've already gone and we can't go back." Grandma put her arm around me and said, "What can you feel?" I wasn't sure what she was referring to because I was feeling SO many things right then. She said, "Can you feel Him? Can you feel His love? He is always here and He will go with you. All you have to do is rely is on Him, call on Him and believe in Him and you WILL make it through just fine." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and just allowed myself to feel the joy, the peace and the overwhelming love. I wanted to much to see our Savior, and was disappointed that I never got to, but with time I've come to understand why I didn't. They each hugged me one last time, told me to remember and to stay strong. I cried and held their hands not wanting to go but knowing I had no choice. I put my head down in sorrow, closed my eyes and willed the tears to stop and turned away from them. I was immediately surrounded by darkness, standing in alone in my bedroom staring at the red numbers on my alarm clock which read 12:39am. I sat down on my bed and cried, confused and lonelier than ever before but suddenly full of hope where there was hopelessness before.

I changed a lot of things that night. I pulled the covers off of my windows, allowing light into my room. I changed a lot of my music habits and worked very hard and finding, and keeping my faith intact. I've only felt that Love, that unconditional, personal and perfect love a handful of times since then. I always realize how much I miss it when I feel it and I long for it for so long after it's gone. It's been a long time now since I've felt it I'm afraid I won't recognize it when I do. I found out not long after this experience that the two other people that were with my Grandma and Grandpa were my Great-Grandparents on my mothers side (Her Grandma and Grandpa) who both passed before I was born. I'd never seen them, or many photo's of them so I didn't recognize them. It wasn't until I saw a photo of them in an old photo album of my Grandmothers that I figured out who they were. I knew them immediately.

I hope I've helped all of those people. I hope I've influenced many. I don't know if I have and I'm afraid that if I consider it I'll consider it failure. All I want more than anything in the world is to find the Joy and then in the end to stand before my Savior and my God and to declare that I've done all that was asked of me to have him tell me, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." I hope I do not fall short, I hope I do not disappoint Him or any of the individual faces in that multitude.

I guess I'd better get busy.

Clarity?

I re-read my Clarity post. I don't know how I could define that as clarity given the simple fact that the words put down were just the exact same regurgitated words I've BEEN putting down for 6 months. My thought process is mighty redundant. I'm surprised more of my friends haven't told me to shut-up yet. I think that's why I blog ... if you don't want to hear it, quit reading. *shrug* Easy enough I think.

I think that the clarity wasn't so much about Will but about myself. I've known the stuff about Will, that's only GLARINGLY obvious to everyone, and yes, even me.

Here's what was clarified in my mind. My 8 year old struggles... a lot. She's vicious, mean, bossy and a down-right bully to her brother who is 18 months her junior. In addition to being so horrible and abusive to Kydrun, she is defiant and extremely contradictory. Jade speaks another language. You'd think I'd know it, seeing as how when I was her age I spoke it to, but I don't. She has to be spoken to in a certain way to get her to hear, to listen, to even care about what is being said. I had a therapist tell me once that Jade is "Parentified" which means that she believes she is MY parent. Try parenting your parent ... it doesn't work. She's resentful of being told what to do and believes she is the other kids supreme authority and they should therefore do as SHE says over what I say. When they disobey her, she gets extremely violent with them, scolding and punishing them.

I created this little monster with my exceedingly bad parenting skills. I've been so incredibly dysfunctional for so much of her life, she's had to take on the roll as Mom for the other two. Even though I've been physically present ... I haven't always been present. I realized this this week more than ever in her life. I've been off-kilter all week. My medications haven't been right, I've been physically ill and I've been suffering from some insomnia which is more like my schedule being screwed up rather than the inability to sleep. I sleep just fine, just not at night. So I finally crash at about 3-4am and the kids get up at 6-6:30. They want breakfast so they come to me and ask permission to get themselves breakfast. In my cloudy, exhausted mind I think to myself "They're old enough to get their own breakfast, they'll be fine". When Brylin rolls out of bed a couple of hours later (she's too much like me) I call Jade to me and ask her to get breakfast for Brylin. As far as I can recollect, this is the extent of my neglectful parenting, but it's enough.

Here's my moment of clarity. IF I were to have more of a spine, be more disciplined in my OWN life, be more disciplined in going to bed, getting up etc... I'd be able to be more disciplined in being a parent. The clarity about Will, about how I falter over and over with him, and forgive, and look past his indiscretions is indicative of the very biggest weakness in me. I'm not even sure that I have a word to describe what exactly it is .. complacency? Laziness? Wishy-washiness? I have a severe lack of self-motivation as well. So my clarity: I have no idea how to parent my daughter. Until I can reign myself in, gain control of my life she's going to continue to get worse. Until I learn, or get the gumption, to stand up to Will and tell him No More; to get a backbone; to fill out my college applications and fafsa papers; until I go to bed at 8 with them and get up before they do and have breakfast on the table for them when they wake up, I'm going to continue to lose my girl.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Clarity

I'm having a moment of clarity and although it's now 3:12am I have to write it down ... in fact, BECAUSE it's 3:12am, I have to write it down.

4 years ago a line was crossed in my marriage, by my husband. As soon as I discovered the line had been crossed I reacted, I laid down the law and I tried to make damn sure that the line would NEVER be crossed again. But then I screwed it all up. I allowed him to talk me into the fact that "it was nothing", "it was just jokes", "she's just my friend". So I insisted that he call her, and apologize for me. WHAT THE F*&K WAS I THINKING?!! Right then and there was the end. I turned the other cheek in such a way that it allowed him to dance all along and over the line all he wanted until he crossed ANOTHER line, a much, much worse line.

When the worse line was crossed, I was furious, I was angry, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was destroyed. Then I spent the next 6 months trying to win him back. I begged, I pleaded, I bargained. I forgave. He came home with strict rules in place. Rules he never did abide by.

Within 1 year he crossed that line again and my marriage was over because HE wanted it to be. Since then, I have been on a horrible roller coaster ride that never ends. He moved in with his girlfriend, I went over and met her to "make it easier for him". I welcomed him back into my bed, over and over, even though I knew I was now the other woman. Things didn't work out with his whore, no surprise there and he was suddenly alone. Then I met a guy I was so incredibly interested in (I still am and I've only ever met him twice). So in a panic, Will cast his net. He cried, he played all the right music, said all the right words, touched my heart in all the right ways and I was caught, again. Or had I ever been set free? Had I just on a longer leash? He reeled me in, and although I fought hard, I wore out and I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to climb back onto the same damn roller coaster I thought I'd just gotten off. Once he had me reeled back in and sufficiently dizzy, he changed his mind about all of the right words, all of the right promises. And his mind, and eye started to wander again. He is obsessively private about his phone, won't let me touch it even to make a phone call. Granted, I check it when I do get my hands on it, but who wouldn't after being betrayed as many times as he's betrayed me?? I knew, I knew something was going on but I looked past it hoping it was my imagination. Then I met another guy. He found out immediately because HE checked MY phone. He was SO man and freaked out and oddly, I felt compelled to lie to him about it. To make it okay. I told him that Mandi had put his number into my phone, that the texts he read were out of context. I tried to smooth it over so he wouldn't be mad. WHY?!! It wasn't like I was even that interested in the guy. He was cute, and nice to talk to sure, but that was it. Nothing more than his little friend Dora, who I've ALWAYS looked beyond.

The last few weeks he's done SO many things to prove to me that he is not who I want to spend my life with. He's not the man I fell in love with and has no desire to become that man again. I think one of the final straws was that we were driving in the truck after a WONDERFUL day of being together with the kids as a family. MY Will was actually back and present and I was SOOOOO happy. It was night-time and I'd been cold all day, wearing my coat, like always and Will was driving with his window rolled down. Brylin was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and was sitting in her seat behind Will. She was shivering and so was I and I was wearing my coat. I asked him to please roll his window up because we were cold and he said No because HE was hot. I took my coat off and gave it to Brylin but it was just so SELFISH. What kind of person won't roll the window up when their child and the woman who they profess to love are sitting there freezing?? That wasn't the straw that broke the camels back, but it was one of the last. I didn't marry a man who was so selfish and I don't want to be with a man who is.

I checked his phone late on Sunday night. I discovered to my horror, but not to my surprise that he's been sending texts to another woman that say the same things he's been saying to me. Love you. Miss You. This just happens to be the very same woman that he crossed the very, very first line with. Go figure. While she lives in AZ, she's planned a trip up here in July and "July just can't get here soon enough". DUH!! One of the texts from her said "you're going to have to get that all out of your system". There was no context to this text. Whatever it was he said had been deleted. It didn't occur to me until JUST NOW that he WANTED me to find those texts. He KNEW I'd check his phone and he knew I'd find them. He just wasn't prepared for me to tell him I was finished. And when I did, at 3am, he got mad. Why? Because he felt his hold slipping. Less than 12 hours later, he reeled the leash back in and I'm back to being hooked even though I know.

All I am is a bed warmer. He's keeping me around because I'm here, I'm close, I'll do ANYTHING in the world for him and he knows it. But he's not here, his mind and his pants are in AZ and in July when she's here for her "visit".

I've known it all along; it's been right in front of my face this entire time and I've known but I never ever wanted to see it.

So now what?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Eddy

Sometimes in an effort to overcome what we consider irrational fears, we do irrational things.

To overcome my fear of heights, in 1995 I went skydiving. The scariest part of that was the plane ride up and the anticipation of flinging myself out of an airplane 2000 feet in the air. The free fall was exhilarating, the landing rough. This experience did nothing to ease my fear of heights, I still can't bungee jump (something about trusting my life to a rubber-band)...

To overcome my fear of water, I get in it. I put my face in the water when I shower, I even put the water around my face when I take a bath. I've even gone to local water parks and slid on the rides. The anxiety there is manageable.

But the fear of water never goes away.

Several years ago, Will and I went down to the Green River to go tubing ... Yes, we were tubing a river that people pay guides to take them down in boats. Not one of our wiser choices as adults, or rather, not one of MY wiser choices as an adult ... Will thinks it's great fun.

Despite my horrible, paralyzing fear of water (and my better judgement!), I wanted to overcome it and to be with Will and to enjoy this adrenalin rushing experience. Sometimes we're given fear for a really good reason... like to save our lives.

Parts of the river were so calm and serene that I actually found myself relaxing a bit and the knot in my stomach loosening. I was still incredibly tense and afraid of just letting my feet hang into the flowing water around me. We'd hit moments of rapids but nothing too terrifying, until I hit an eddy...

What's an eddy? Imagine a big boulder in mid channel. The river flows around it, right? But water piles up against the upstream side, too. That's the cushion. But don't count on it being a soft slam if you hit it hard, the cushion is stuffed with rock, after all!

And what happens downstream? The boulder splits the river into two parts, but the filaments of water are reunited almost immediately. Then, impelled by gravity, some of the flow surges back to fill the "hole" in the river. The result? An eddy.

Of course, no two eddies are exactly alike. If a river is lazy and slow-moving, its eddies will be equally languid, their ill-defined margins marked only by minute, almost imperceptible whirlpools. Such eddies are easy to drift into. This isn't the case when a river rushes pell-mell down a steep valley, though. Here the eddies take on a more muscular character. They're now maelstroms of sloshing spume, and their boundaries ("eddy-lines") form heaving barriers.

This is where my experience begins... an eddy.

After allowing myself to relax a bit and even for a moment or two smile, I got into a really white capped section of the river. Will yelled instructions at me from his tube, but I was too far away for him to grab onto and steer the right way. Once I got sucked into the fast flowing water, I was gone. Because I was so afraid I was fighting with the tube, the current and the water and I ultimately got removed from my tube.

I went right into the jaws of a very aggressive eddy.

I was terrified beyond words. I was under this loud, crushing amount water that was holding me under no matter how hard I fought. I couldn't hear Will, I couldn't hear anything but water. I could see the sky through the murky water so I knew I wasn't very far under so I kept fighting. While I fought for that one breath, I kept thinking "my kids, my kids, I cannot leave my kids".

After what seemed like hours fighting with destiny, I finally realized that there was no way out. I was going to die now and it was time to stop fighting.

The water stopped making a sound. It was silent all around me and I felt so alone. I felt like all of the strings that attached me to the whole world, that kept me on the ground, that kept me breathing and waking up in the mornings ... all those strings were suddenly cut and I was completely alone. I whispered my goodbye's to the kids in my mind, hugged them each one last time and whispered "I love you" to Will.

Then I stopped. I stopped trying to breathe, I stopped trying to swim. I just closed my eyes and stopped.

And the eddy let me go.


After coming to the conclusion last night that my Will is my perfectly square peg I felt all of the strings snap. I have felt for the last three years, but no more so than in the last 4 months, that I've been under rushing, crushing water. The noise is so loud I can't think, I can't process. The chaos is evident in my decisions and in my life all around me. I can see the sky, but it's murky and seems so far away although it's really only inches.

It's time that I allow myself to "die". I have resigned myself to my divorce, resigned myself to being alone. This is the only way the eddy of despair and chaos will let me go. If I keep fighting against it all alone then I will stay right where I am and will eventually run out of fight. But if I just turn myself over to God, with my broken dreams and heart to mend, and then actually let go I will finally be set free.

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend.
I bought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.
But instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I stood around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I cried, "How can you be so slow!"
He smile and said my child, "You never did let go."
-Anonymous

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Yin Yang

I wonder if a person who has found the Yin to their Yang could ever be whole with someone else?

Is it possible to love someone but to feel "completed" and "whole" by another? Is it possible that there is more than one "perfect match" for my Yin? Is it possible to actually miss a part of yourself you never actually knew you lost?

I believe the Lord puts us in positions for a reason. We're in certain places, certain times, with certain people for a reason. I went to Ohio on my mission. Wonderful place the Great Ohio, btw. I met a wonderful missionary Elder while I was there. The one that turned out to be my future husband. Is it possible that I married the wrong future husband? Is it possible that I'm only partially whole with who I was with and that's why it ended? Is it possible that a person just exactly like me could exist and be in my life but not BE my life? Can I ever be whole with anyone except my Yang?

I found and married someone who I truly thought completed me, but I've been coming to the realization that I spent my entire marriage trying to make myself fit into HIS yin yang and I just simply don't and I'm doubting that I ever will. I'm finding myself trying to force him into my yin yang and he's resentful of it. For only three moments in our marriage were we harmonious and made a good match was in the creation of our three beautiful children. Will is a square peg that I am trying to force into a round hole... I could eventually get him there, it would scrape up his sides, dent him and potentially break him, but if I pushed hard enough, that square peg WOULD fit. It would be uncomfortable for him, and potentially downright miserable for him. I cannot force my beautifully square peg anymore. He is never going to be able to become what I want him to become and it's not fair for me to try to force him to. He's a wonderful, perfect man; he's sweet, he's gentle and he's SO funny. I love him with all of me and he's my best friend; I enjoy him SOOO much ... But he's a square peg. I want someone to go to church with me, to go the temple with me. Someone to drag me by the hand into Sunday School so that I don't break my phone playing Tetris in the hall. I want someone who will encourage me to be better, to live better. I want someone who has the Priesthood that I value so highly.

**Sidebar story: When I was a teenager I got strep throat for the first time. I was in hell and wished I could be dead. My fever was so high, every inch of me hurt, my throat burned and ached and nothing I did could make it go away. My mother nursed me and took care of me the best she could but I wanted my Dad. I wanted a blessing to make the sick go away. I remember vividly, as if it happened yesterday, my Dad coming into my room and the peace I felt that I was finally going to get better. My Dad walked over to my bed, put his hand on my forehead and petted me gentle and said "I'm so sorry you're sick". That was it. My Dad isn't a member of the church, he doesn't hold the Priesthood. There was nothing he could have done for me when he laid his hand on my forehead except exactly what he did ... "I'm sorry you're sick". The disappointment resounds in my soul to this day. I promised myself then and there that I would NEVER live with a man that didn't have the Priesthood. When my children are sick and they need a blessing, or when they start school, or whenever they just need clarity ... There will be no phone calls to the bishopric or home teachers to find someone to come over and give a blessing. That person will be in my house and available and worthy at all times.

So who I thought completed my Yin, turned out to be a Yin himself. We didn't complete each other at all. He's still so much a part of me, but he's not the Soul Mate that I always believed him to be.

While talking to a friend of mine today spoke about a new "friend" of mine who I *thought* was interested in me, and that I was mildly, curiously interested in but it didn't pan out. This new "friend", while having our first phone conversation, asked me several times about a female friend of mine that he's interested in. No big deal there, little crushing to the ego though! My friend told me today that this guy isn't right for me because the one that's right for me will forget anyone else exists when he meets me. I envision the perfect positioning of the halves of ourselves finally becoming an entire whole.

Is it possible to find that? Is it possible to live without it if you know where it is but can't have it?

Blessings


Hospitals ... more specifically, hospitals and babies. A mission friend of mine just recently had a gorgeous little boy. He had some medical conditions immediately following birth that required immediate heart surgery. I've been reading their daily updates on their personal blog about their little "Iron Man" and his progress. I've prayed for them and I'm so familiar with their feelings to a degree. After having open heart surgery this little guy was suppose to be in the hospital for at least another 2 weeks; the little trooper is only a week out of his heart surgery and is on his way home in the very relieved and happy arms of his parents.

Reading their blog posts about their journey with him has brought up a lot of the emotions that I felt with Kydrun. I felt so helpless, so scared. I was full of SO many questions, none of which anyone could answer for me. I felt like a horrible mother that allowed her baby to get hurt and couldn't protect him from the pain. Seeing him lie there on his hospital bed covered in bandages, swollen and unconscious was the worst feeling in the world. I wished so much I could take his pain away. I felt relief when he opened his eyes, when he spoke, albeit unclearly as he was barely two. I felt buoyed up by the prayers that were offered and by the visitors. We even had visitors that came up and stayed in the waiting room just to be there but unable to muster the strength to see Kydrun in such a state. I understood completely but was so thankful they were there.

Most of all though, I felt strength from the Lord and in fact to this day can see the many small miracles within the excruciating experience that Kydrun had to suffer. One of those was reflected my my mission friend and her little "Iron Man".

This little baby, who's only two weeks old now has had open heart surgery. The doctors told them to expect to be in the hospital for some weeks for his recovery. This little guy has had several Priesthood blessings. After only one week he is going home, happy and healthy. My little man was burned on 20% of his body with second and third degree burns. We were told to expect to be in the hospital for at a minimum of 20 days (one day per percentage of body burned), more if there were complications. My little Kydrun was in the hospital for only 4 days. Kydrun received a blessing first thing when we got to the hospital and I firmly believe that that is what made the difference. The Priesthood gave ME the strength as his mother to provide him the care necessary to assist him in healing. It gave me the strength to not fall completely apart. My overwhelming personality that just sort of takes over a room whenever I'm in it coupled with the strength of the Lord started me on the path of his care. Kydrun's second bandage change was done by me with assistance from the NA's. The third bandage change was done with only supervision. I firmly believe that I could NEVER have done ANY of that, especially not bring him home after only 4 days to care for myself, WITHOUT the power of the Priesthood. How very grateful I am for it. 95% of burn patients that die don't die from their burns, they die from infection. That is why he was projected to stay in the hospital so long, so they could fight off the infections they were prepared for him to get. The infections that he never got, never one. His body was strong, his Spirit was stronger. The Priesthood played such an important role in his life, in his healing and in my life and my ability to care for him.

Another miracle and blessing that we received within Kydrun's burn is where his burn was. Kydrun pulled a pan of hot oil off of the stove onto his all but naked body. The hot oil landed first on his shoulder, pouring down his right arm, over his right shoulder across and down his chest. Other than a small 1st degree drop that got on his chin, his face was not burned at all. His little hands, still perfect and unscathed. The burn actually went down to his wrist and stopped. Additionally, it ran down his chest onto his stomach and into his diaper, stopping only a quarter of an inch above his privates, no damage done there. Even with all of Kydrun's scarring, it can ALL be covered with a t-shirt, even a tank top. His perfect little face was protected, his perfectly naughty little hands untouched. With everything that COULD have gone wrong; with the fact that that oil could have come off of the stove directly onto his face causing untold problems what an ENORMOUS blessing that although he suffered unimaginable pain, the healing was fast and seemingly short considering and he's still whole with nothing that can't be covered if he so chooses.


Kydrun is a blessing in and of himself. He's the sweetest, most gentle child there is. He's my kisser and my lover always giving me hugs and telling me he loves me. I feel sick inside when I think about the pain that my little baby had to suffer, but I feel SO grateful for the Lord, His infinite wisdom, infinite blessings that we don't even know we need. I am so grateful for the Priesthood and the amazing power that it has to make a potentially life-ending problem last only days with complete healing. I am thankful for the fact that Priesthood power was spread among his doctors, nurses, and nurses assistants. We're more than 4 years out of his burn now, he's healed beautifully and other than the scarring, perfectly. But I will never forget the many mini-miracles that I, and especially Kydrun, received during that most difficult and awful time.

Things

I was just putting on my Jammie's and started to think about some things that I just love for no reason imparticular, just love that they exist... Here's a list of some of them:

1. My Dr. Pepper Jammie bottoms.
2. My yellow polka-dotted bra (it's my happy little secret when I wear it)
3. The black 500 count Egyptian cotton sateen sheets on my bed.
4. Redbox
5. Brylin's shoes with the yellow shoelaces that I am forever tripping over.
6. The yellow Lego sunflowers the kids made me for Mother's Day.
7. My camera
8. When Asher (the ferret) gives me "Mama Kisses"
9. Dr. Pepper
10. My belt with the heart shaped belt buckle.
11. The purple Littlest Petshop ferret that I have in my car
12. My friends Mandi and Mo
13. Facebook (I am now friends with my very best friend from when I was a kid!)
14. Twinkies
15. Build A Bear's

Men

I just got off the phone with a guy I met over the weekend. We spoke for nearly 3 hours. It was refreshing and honest. He shared things with me that made him uncomfortable in an effort to be real, honest and sincere. I appreciated his honesty very much. He told me about his marriage and it was so interesting to hear. His life ran parallel to mine only he was in the same shoes as WILL and not me. He was the one that had the world demanded of him by his ex-wife. What a difficult position to have been put it.

I've recently come to have a new empathy for men that I don't think I had before.

I really begun to realize how taken for granted men are just in general. I think that women have become empowered and "liberated" but at the same time have lost some of their sensitivity. At the same time that they are becoming "liberated" they have gained a new sense of entitlement. "I want my cake and to eat it too". It's an unfair stance for women to take. To a degree, through my illness, I took this stance within my marriage and even still sometimes do. Women want to be pampered, treated like queens and princesses, spoiled, doted on and taken care of. This is fair, but what is being given back? In a lot of circumstances, nothing. They want their men to work full-time, sometimes even two jobs to pay for them, their hobbies, their upkeep, their toys etc... expect them to help with housework, yard work, etc... (kids don't count cause they should help with the kids no matter what anyway) and the women aren't willing to dote, take care of or spoil their men. It's very one-sided. This new friend of mine's wife went to work every morning, which is more than I could say for me, but she expected her husband to get up after not getting home until 3am, to get the kids fed, ready for and taken to school, do the house work, work a full time job. When she would get home, she'd do nothing including denying any advances for affection that he made. Then SHE leaves him. Where is this fair? Is this the norm? In my marriage, I was the evil wife who demanded and gave nothing back with the exception that I DIDN'T have a job as an excuse. I stayed home all day long and just simply demanded.

This new perspective that has come to me through the clearing of my fog and the somewhat calming of my brain has really made me appreciate men, what they do, what they're willing to do for their wives, their families. I have always appreciated Will and all he's done, but even to talk to this new friend has made me appreciate Will all the more. Will works SOOO hard every single day, and he still does, to afford ME the opportunity to stay at home and the raise the kids. He works like a dog, including 24 hour shifts sometimes at the cabinet shop, just so that we can have whatever WE want. I don't envy men, I don't envy the great sense of responsibility they feel about the care and upkeep of their family. I never knew until Will and I separated how devastated he was, and how he felt like a failure when we sold our house. I felt complete relief to be rid of it, but he felt like he'd let us down and carried the guilt of that for years. He never ever let us down and I feel bad that he ever felt that way.
,I'll never understand men. But I do appreciate them. I appreciate their strength their fortitude, their willingness to work so hard. I vow, as a woman, to be sure that all of the men in my life know that I DO appreciate them and that whenever there is an opportunity to serve THEM and to take care of THEM, I will take it, revel in it and enjoy every moment of it.

Thank you for all you do Guys ... All of you.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Suicide

For years and years I lived in a fog. I barely remember high school, remember only a handful of friends and am fairly certain that none of them remember me. I spent most of my high school career in a suicidal funk. I was convinced that the world would be a much better place without me in it. I was convinced that no one would even notice if I wasn't in it. Thus was my menial existence from 12 years old on. The only time I can recall NOT feeling this way was as a missionary and even then sometimes the thought would pass through, but not stay. I recall a couple of occasions when I threatened suicide. I cut my wrist once, no where near my veins of course. I swallowed a bottle, literally, of aspirin which induced vomiting within moments so I didn't even need to go to the ER for that one. I guess part of me didn't *really* want to die, but it felt so out of my control. I never knew how life absorbing it was for others to feel responsible to keep me alive until last week.

Someone very close to me felt that everyone would be better off without him. That is an impossibility because he is so enmeshed into so many lives that the loss of him alone would forever alter many, many lives. His threat to me seemed sincere, as did his goodbye. I panicked, of course. I drove like a mad person trying to get to him, to even FIND him because he'd gone into the canyons around Tooele. I called the police and they thankfully got in touch with him and brought him back down out of the canyon. By then he'd of course calmed down. Said he just "needed to blow off steam". Said that that is why he drives so far away so that by the time he gets there he's not as upset anymore, can empty a clip and cool off. I went from sheer panic to vehemently pissed off. Just "blow off steam" ??!!! Then don't f$%^ing tell me that you're going to blow off your head!!

I don't understand why when I was like this and people expressed their concern, as I did for my person, the person won't accept help. I'm medicated now and more aware of the life around me, but still mildly oblivious to the damage I did to people, long lasting damage. I want so desperately to help him, to save him. I feel like an emotional hostage. I cannot say anything for fear of the repercussion, that what I say might rub him wrong, or give him the wrong impression of what I am really saying... Is this how people felt about me? Is this how I made people feel around me? Like they were walking on egg shells? Afraid to upset me? My remorse runs very deep for this. I never knew how it made people feel inside.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Things are difficult now, but there is always a way out. The end of story isn't written in stone, it's written in air until you decide how it ends. Nothing has to end badly. The trip might be bad, rocky and painful, but it doesn't have to end that way. I went through some of the most horribly painful awful days of my life in the last 4 1/2 years and the story could have been much different, it could have ended much differently. I'm thankful for the rocky, difficult parts. I hated them every moment I was in them, but it's stretched me and helped me to grow in ways that I wouldn't have before. I have a new appreciation for certain types of pain that people experience, even the excruciating pain of truly believing that you are worth nothing. I still fight with that one everyday. I wouldn't write the story differently, but the ending I can write now and in the future. I think I'll make it a happy ending where we all walk off into the sunset holding hands.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Space

For nearly 34 years now I've heard the story from my mother about how as a moment's old infant I "straight-armed" her. I've been straight-arming people ever since. I don't like to be touched. I have learned socially acceptable "moves" for when in conversation with others, i.e. touching their arms to show I care and am listening. But other than it being an effort on my part to be socially acceptable, I don't like touching or being touched. There are of course exceptions to this general rule, as with anything.

As a child I came from a home that hugging my siblings was a punishment for fighting and being hugged by my parents was an event that was reserved for things like our weddings. I never felt slighted really, being a person who doesn't want to be touched anyway. But there were times that a hug would have made all the difference.

As a parent, I don't want my children to be as "socially awkward" as I was in not being touched, or to feel that they cannot come to me for a hug when it's needed. But, as a person who doesn't like to be touched, parenting in this way is doubly difficult. I LOVED snuggling my babies with their new baby smell but equally enjoyed laying them down on the floor and not holding them.

Jade is very much like me. She wants to be hugged, and held, but on her terms. That has worked very well for me as a parent (with the few exceptions when she's too irresistible and I HAVE to give her a love). Kydrun is by far the touchiest child I've ever met. Part of this is because he's his father's son and Will is a fairly touchy person. Part of it I attribute to his burn. Brylin is also very much like me and wants to be hugged on her terms but at the same time spends MOST of her time on my lap.

As a mom, I think all of our children do things that are generally annoying but with me I think that some of them are made unnecessarily more difficult by my need for space. Mine are "tappers". "Momomomomomom" is accompanied by the invariable tap on the arm, leg or back. This contact sends an electrical shock through me that gives me a stomach ache. It takes all of my control to not shout "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I'm sure MANY parents have this same reaction to that annoying little habit of our children, but I think my reaction is a lot more severe than just general annoyance. The kids have now deemed me as "SAFE" so whenever one of them is picking on the other, or chasing or whatever, I am invariably grabbed for safety. THIS is annoying to the tenth degree. These things are typically annoying to most parents, made worse for me by my lack of touchiness.

Those are not what prompted this. What prompted this is the fact that my kids, especially Kydrun, come in and want kisses and hugs CONSTANTLY. Kydrun is forever coming in and kissing my cheek, my arms, my forehead. So sweet huh?! NO! Oh it drives me insane and makes me shudder every time. What kind of horrible parent am I that I shudder when my sweet, darling and loving son gives me kisses? I am a terrible person. How can I as a parent not want to be touched by my children? Brylin doesn't sleep through the night in her own bed, she wakes up in my bed every morning. Last night while watching a movie Brylin woke up and came and got into my bed. Of course because of her nightmare, she wanted to snuggle. This caused me so much physical discomfort that it was hard to focus on the movie.

It's one thing to want your space; it's another thing entirely to not be able to stand the sweet, loving touches of your children. How does one without boundaries in a figurative sense deal with overly severe boundaries in a physical sense? I don't want to be touched. How do I get over that? How do I learn to WANT to hold my children's hands while we're walking up the sidewalk? How do I learn to WANT goodnight kisses and sweet "I love you" hugs for no reason?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Frustration

As a parent, children are frustrating. As a child, parents are frustrating. But as a SINGLE parent, I think the frustration on both counts triples. There is a certain magic that I believe each parent has. In some ways, that magic is obvious like I'm the one who kisses the boo-boo's but Dad is the one who plays wrestle-mania on the bed. It's what endears our children to us. On the same token, the "Bad Mom" or "Bad Dad", meaning the dicisplinarian, also equals each other out. Where I am at either end of the spectrum, either too allowing or down right mean, Dad tempers that. And where Dad is the firm hand, I soften that. But, as a single parent, there is no one there to temper things. I don't play wrestle-mania on the bed, I don't have the firm hand to make the kids listen and am afraid to get down right mean so I don't ... therefore, I'm the boring mom who won't play that gets walked all over.

I always swore that "when I have kids..." mine would NOT act like a bunch of heathenistic monsters who don't listen and embarrass their mothers while grocery shopping. Yea, so much for THAT statement. My kids are HUMILIATING to take shopping, they are disrespectful to the tenth degree and don't listen to a word I say. In addition, I had them so close because Will and his sister Kim are 18 months apart and grew up as best friends and still are close. That as well didn't happen. Kydrun and Jade would kill each other if given the opportunity; toss Brylin into the mix and one side always outnumbers the other depending on who kisses up to her the best.

I think being a single parent is unfair. It's unfair to me, it's unfair to them. Children need a mom AND a dad in their lives to tuck them in, to spank their bottoms when they're naughty, to play wrestle-mania or to read books. Without both parents in their lives, they are short-sided and get only one side of a fantastic whole. I'm frustrated that my children won't listen to me. I've been asking for two days for them to just clean their rooms. I've been TELLING them all day today. I've been threatening for the last hour. What are they doing? I can hear Kydrun playing swords and I can hear the girls in Jade's room playing pet-shops. What can I do? Even when I do come down like a hammer, they don't budge and all it does is make them afraid of me and makes me madder that they don't listen. I know myself well enough to know that if allowed, my anger would take control and I would/could do serious damage to my children which I am not willing to do. So instead, I sit here with MY work done, trying to nurse a headache made worse by the fact that the three of them just simple don't give a damn about anything that comes out of my mouth and try to find a currency that will make them want to listen. I have 6 bags of their toys in the storage unit because they won't clean them up. I've cleaned up 4 bags at a time once and then like a complete gumby gave them back to them to put away. That oddly worked, but I am actually the one who cleaned the room.

*sigh* I hate being a single parent.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Time

Wow, it's already the 7th of April. I cannot believe I let the last 2 months get away without sitting down and writing. Just a testament to my severe laziness.

So in February, I made some great strides in becoming an independent and strong woman. On Valentines Day, Will and I went out on an official "Date". It was nice :) We decided that we would "Date" each other and just see what the future holds. We went to the Zoo with the kids on the 15th of February. It was oddly fun. It was warm enough that I ended up carrying the coats, of course, but cool enough that the animals were out and moving around. We got to watch them feed the wolf, and the snow leopard, which is Jade's favorite, was actually out of his hide and sitting in the sun.

One of the most horrible experiences of my life happened on February 12. After falling into complacency I got neglectful of the ferrets and their whereabouts while I was doing a random load of laundry that I don't normally do. After cycling my comforter I opened the washing machine and my beautiful Greenli fell into my hands. I screamed and panicked and pulled the blanket out only to find my newest boy, Sebastian also in there. I'd lost two of my babies in one moment of neglect. I was horrified and in absolute agony. No one really understands the pain I felt, they are "just ferrets" after all, but to me, they're like my children. I love each of them and each of them gives me joy and laughter. I miss them, even today and going back and thinking about it still makes me cry. I still get a stomach ache when I use the washing machine and I still stop the load in a panick afraid I've lost someone in there again. It's one thing to lose a loved one, pet or otherwise, to natural causes, like I lost my Aynsley but to lose one, or worse two, at your own doing is horrendous. While at Petco a week or so later I came across a little marked white baby I had to have so I brought him home. His name is Ice and he's a little terror that I enjoy every moment of. I spent the first 2 weeks syringe feeding him every 4 hours because he wasn't quite old enough to be away from his mother yet. He's grown now, and is doing a wonderful job being the obnoxious new kid to the others. I love my ferrets.

Besides that, the general monotony life wasn't overly exciting in February. I had my ups an downs, my moments of joy and clarity that I wish I would have made note of because my memory is nothing to speak of anymore and my moments of weakness and pain that I'm glad I've forgotten.

The first part of March proved to be an interesting turning point in my life. After some convincing I was able to get Will to attend a singles dance with me. The relationship that Will and I have is so odd on so many levels. We love each other, we're best friends and we love to be together, but we're not married anymore. It was as friends that we attended this dance. There is a guy that I met at a dance in January that I've been looking for named Joe. He's never been to one of the dances I've been to since. There is also a guy named Justin that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch dance at the dances. He's just THAT good at dancing.

Will wanted me to ask him to dance, but I've never been officially introduced to Justin so I was too embarassed to ask him to dance. After several dances, my friend Mandi pointed out that the guy I'd been waiting on, Joe, was actually there!! I practically RAN over and started to talk to him and asked to dance on the next slow song (since I can't dance fast dances). He and I shared a couple of slow songs and some nice conversation. Will fell apart.

After we left the dance Will and I came back here and spent a great deal of time talking. He was so incredibly upset. I couldn't for the life of me understand what he had to be upset about because HE is the one that left ME. I didn't want the divorce in the first place. He knew the risks. He explained everything that had happened over the last 4 months that had been so confusing to me. He'd been telling me "I don't love you anymore" for so long and now he's telling me that was a lie. He said he told me whatever he had to to get me to divorce him because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to protect me from himself. It's all confusing but his explanation was considerably easier to reconsile than his "I don't love you anymore". I just could never believe it. His confession of love, of being in love with me still, of wanting to be with me and being willing to do whatever it takes to win me back has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'd spent so much time moving on, working so hard to wrap my feelings up in a pretty little box with a big blue bow. I'm not sure I want to unwrap them now. I'm not sure I want to risk being hurt by him again. I forgave him the first time, I mostly forgave him the second time, but the second time was followed by a divorce. I was okay being his friend, being there for him, with him, around him. Hearing about his dates, and his life. I had no problem with any of that. Now I am not sure where I am, what I feel, what I WANT to feel or do with my life.

There are only two things that I'm really sure of right now 1. I want to see what might happen with Joe and 2. I love Will and will stand by him down his road back if he wants me to, regardless of where it leads "us".

I'm not as at peace as I was in February with my life.

I am looking right now at getting back into school. I'm not sure where I'm going to go, but I'm looking at SLCC and Dixie. I just need to get my generals done so I can move on to something bigger and better. I hope the years I went before aren't for naught!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Rain is Gone

The last two weeks have gone by in a blur. I'm not sure if it's because I was without one of my medications so I was unstable (oh my was I ever!) or if it's because there was just so much going on (which of course I cannot remember).

I fell off the wagon, hard. I haven't gone a day without a Dr. Pepper, I'm so weak. I haven't walked in two weeks. I haven't read my scriptures in two weeks, I am still addicted to Will like crack (but that's getting better, I'll talk about that in a minute). I haven't taken my vitamins and I'm just over-all being dysfunctional. BUT...

Something happened to me on Sunday. I don't know what it was but it was life-altering. Ever since Will and I split and divorced everyone has been telling me to take him down off his pedestal, to take off my Rosy tinted glasses. Something happened on Sunday and I did. Do you remember in the movie Hercules where the Fates cut the life strings of people? That's the mental picture I have in my head. It's like I went to sleep on Saturday night and sometime in the night the Fates cut the string that I was tied to Will with. I woke up and I could see him. I could see my FRIEND. I do not have the attachment anymore of him being my husband, I don't feel the longing or the pain. The heavy weight that has been crushing my chest all this time making it difficult to breathe is gone. I'm divorced. I'm finally completely divorced from Will. I still love him, I still love to talk to him and hang out with him and be around him, but he's my best friend so that's not unusual. If he were to ask me to take him back today, this minute the answer would be no; well at least a Not Yet. A situation arose a couple of nights ago where he needed someplace to stay for a night and I of course made him stay here (and yes, I made him). It was 2am and he was so tired and so drained I forced him to my bed and made him get in it (though he was so tired that he could hardly take off his boots let alone anything else). I laid beside him and held him all night and kept him warm (he was ice cold). It was nothing more than me just holding my friend in comfort. It felt WONDERFUL. In the morning, I didn't want him to stay here, I didn't want him to move home. I teased him about it but deep down, moving in here instead of to his dad's was just simply not an option and I was okay with that.

I'm excited for the prospects of my life. I've got a bright future ahead of me with my beautiful children at my side and my friends, including Will, behind me for support. There is nothing but beauty in my life right now (but give me a minute, it's almost time to wake up the kids ;) ).

I'm going to start all over with everything on Monday. I can't start something in the middle of the week because I'm weird. I have to start all new things on Monday.

I'm just sitting here with the kids still asleep and listening to the quiet and I'm so peaceful. I am not worried about Will, I'm not worried about his life, I'm not worried about being alone. All I'm thinking about is letting the kids sleep for 15 more minutes before I go wake the tornado's up.

I am still struggling with my boundaries. This has become a real issue for me. I don't know how to make boundaries, I don't know how to enforce boundaries and I don't know how to respect others boundaries. I never have. I have a situation now in which I NEED to set boundaries but I am at a loss. A good friend of mine, Cammy, is helping me the best she can, but how do you teach someone how to set a boundary when it's something that's always been natural to you? She's one of the strongest people I know so I hope I can usurp whatever knowledge she has to offer. I really need it.

I've been scrapbooking again. I got Brylin done to her 3rd b-day so I'm only a year and half behind on her now. Next is Kydrun. I've avoided doing his because I dropped off for a long while after I did his burn book. I think it drained me. Kydrun is still in 2005 so I'm REALLY behind in his. I'm not sure if I can ever do my Wedding and my life with Will though. Even the idea of it turns my stomach a little. I don't think I'm ready to face that so it's going to go at the bottom of the list, which is: Catch up all three kids, do my pets book (YES, so don't even roll your eyes!), do my mission, do his mission (if I don't it'll never get done), and then the wedding book. I figure that's 10 years worth of scrapbooking right there so I'll be fine. :)

I've decided what I want to do with my life, where I want to go. I wanted for a very long time to become a Life Coach, but there is a lot involved in doing that, a lot that I don't have the time or the desire to do. I was lying in bed the other day thinking about what I wanted for my life and like a light switched on it was SO clear. I want to become a psychiatric nurse practitioner, like the one that I see for my medications. She talks to me, counsels me to a point without becoming completely involved in my drama and she helps me to change my life by providing the medications that imperative to my sanity. I just want to help people. I want to help people get through the things that I have been through and I've been through a lot the last 10 years. I want to help them get through the fog that I had over my eyes for so long.

It's a good day, a good week and I'm okay. I'm FINALLY okay. I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's going to be a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Guilt

I am not sure how I feel. I'm not sure what to feel. I am so torn in pieces that I have lost track of what's what. I feel empty, I feel drained and mostly I feel guilty.

I love Will, with all of my heart. I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him. He's my HUSBAND, I don't care what that damn piece of paper says. He's been mine for 9 years. I've loved him with everything I am down to the marrow in my bones since before I ever even knew he was alive. I had to go all the way to Ohio to find him. I don't want to face my life without him. I am lonely, I am afraid.

I need to talk to Her. I need to tell her. Everytime I am with Will, intimately or otherwise, I just can't shake the guilt that I have become the Other Woman. I feel so awful inside. I have gone against who I am as a person, against my own morals and values ... against my very nature. But he's my husband ... I'm conflicted. How am I just suppose to turn that part of me off? Where is the switch I need to flip to shut him off?? I've written her a thousand emails, a thousand text messages and I generally either send them to myself or to Janice and they just get deleted. I have begged him over and over to tell her. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. He's doing to her what he did to me and I am allowing it. I've become that which I hate and I hate myself for it. I would tell her myself but I cannot risk the relationship that he and I have because of what it would do to the kids. I've got to tell her to be careful.

I'm worried about her son and a little bit irritated at the same time. I called him the other day and he surprisingly answered, he doesn't usually when he's with her. I heard her in the background say "Take it to Daddy" WHAT?!! Are you KIDDING ME?! She's got that baby calling Will DADDY. What is going to happen if it doesn't work out (and it's not going to, I already know that)?! That baby is going to be CRUSHED. This is not to mention MY children. How are they going to feel that THEIR Daddy is ALWAYS with her and her son and he's calling THEIR DADDY Daddy. I know exactly how they're going to feel, HURT and replaced. Just like he did.

I need to stop sleeping with him. It's complicating my relationship with him, it's complicating his relationship with her and it's complicating my relationship with myself. I don't like going against myself. Why's it always about sex? Our relationship was founded on sex. Sex was an issue when I was in my fog because I didn't want to be touchd, ever, so he found someone who did (I still hate her). When he came home it was all different, but by then it wasn't enough but it's still a damn issue.

I'm so irritated with myself, so angry. Why have I allowed myself to become the other woman? Waiting for him to call? Wanting to call but not being able to because I know he's at "home". Having him sneak over on his lunch hour, helping him concoct stories so he can come over at other times... what have I become? And what's worse is that even though I don't like her much, I still don't think she deserves this. I've tried to tell her, I sent her an email a while ago that said something like "I don't like that he lies to you, and he still is". I was hoping that she'd catch it. I even send texts to his phone about him telling "her we're still sleeping together" hoping that she'd be nosey like I was and read them. No such luck apparently.

I don't know what to do. I hate myself right now.