Anniversary

Tomorrow, the 24th, will mark the 6th month anniversary of our divorce. August 24th will mark month 8 as well as the eve of what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary.

I wish I could talk to you. Tell you the things in my head, in my heart. I guess it's safe here, you can delete it and pretend you never read it.

I keep remembering so many things. I remember the first time I saw you on the mission. We were outside the Chinese Buffet after Christmas Conference. Tiger was going home and I wanted a hug goodbye ... never was one for the rules was I? I thought you were good looking but looked too old to be a missionary. I remember sitting in the car with you and Hales talking about so many things, seeing you in the rear view mirror. I remember making up excuses to call just to chat. I remember wanting to see you so badly before I left the field but we could never make it work. I went home the day after your 21st birthday. I remember dragging you to the temple with me in January. I remember sitting in the Celestial Room with you in your funny hat... and I remember looking at you and suddenly my black and white world was full of color. My heart that was so still suddenly beat and my lungs which had never tasted air finally took a deep breath. It was like I was finally alive. I was flooded in that moment with my lifetimes worth of love I had for you. I realized right then and there that I'd loved you and been in love with you all that time but I was just then feeling it. It was amazing, and scary. I remember the first time you kissed me, I felt it to my bones. It was the most sensual and delicious kiss I'd ever had. I still feel the same way when I kiss you. I remember sitting in Sconecutter and I wanted so badly to tell you I loved you but wanted you to say it first. You knew I had something to say and said "just say it" so I said "I love you William Safford" It was so important to me to use your name, so you knew that I wasn't just in love with Saff ... this was bigger than the mission. I remember your eyes, your beautiful, deep brown, gorgeous eyes and your smile and you said "I love you too". I remember the first time we had sex. What a ridiculous moment that was! :) I remember the second time after snow shoeing. It was still daylight, you could see my ugly body and you didn't care. It felt amazing to be that close to you, to feel you in me. I still feel that way when we make love, only stronger. I remember becoming your wife, the look on your face, the light in your eyes. I miss it. So many things I remember that I've lost forever now.

I wish, everyday, that we would have talked during our marriage. That when you told me your concerns, your stresses, that I would have heard you. I wish I could have done better. I wish that you could understand the way I was feeling inside then. I felt abandoned. I felt like you just abandoned me. I felt overwhelmed with everything, which I know now is a combination of the imbalance and my general personality. I felt totally unloved. I felt like all you wanted me for was sex because you wouldn't kiss me, you would just grab my boobs or my crotch. That is why I wouldn't let you touch me, because I felt like all you wanted me for was the sex, that we weren't making love. It seems so ridiculous now how we were both feeling and how with some better communication (and medication) we could have fixed it. I spent a great deal of our marriage angry at you. It's funny, now, that the night before you told me about Ann, Brylin woke up crying (like always). You got so mad and yelled at her for crying and I remember lying in bed mad that you'd yelled at her and I said to myself "somethings gotta give or this marriage is over". I wish we would have gone to counseling. I want you to know I'm not angry anymore. I know it doesn't matter now, but I wanted you to know.

Baby I want you to know more than anything in this world that I have always loved you to the marrow in my bones. Since you've been gone I can't breathe anymore, and the world is looking a little grey. It'll be okay, I will get used it. Above the drinking, above just about everything, I wanted you back. If you would have said the words "I want you back" I would have overlooked it all. I tried so many times to get you to say those words but you never would. You always protested. It's probably just as well I suppose but I wish you would have. I ALWAYS wanted you regardless of your choices. You're right though, I'd end up on your case about the alcohol and the thing with Ricki would never go away. It's hard to know that I'm not as good, I don't have as much experience as these other girls. I'd feel self-conscious like I already do.

Thank you Honey, for everything. For letting me fall in love with you while you were wearing your funny temple hat. Thank you for the memories of snow shoeing, the first time we held hands, our first kiss, Martina McBride, Papa Murphy's and Notting Hill.

I ALWAYS WANTED YOU, always.
Me