Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Isaiah 41:10

10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

How Firm a Foundation
Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, for I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Thomas S. Monson

Every woman is a daughter of God. You cannot offend her without offending Him. ~Gordon B. Hinckley Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears.” ~Thomas S. Monson

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Out of the mouths of Babes: After getting ice cream at Artic Circle for the kids I asked them how it was K: "This is GOODER than Awesome! It's FANTABULOUS!"

Tin Foil

Sometimes, the one you think is your Knight in Shining Armour actually turns out to be a retard in tin foil!!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010


Out of the mouths of babes:
B: "The people on the corner never turn their lights on because they're on the floor dead so they can't reach the switch"

J to K: "Rosa (the tarantula) is a really cool pet, as far as arachnids go."


"Never make a man a priority if he only makes you an option."

Monday, January 25, 2010

Groundhogs Day

Seriously? I am STUCK in Groundhogs Day. It's a whole new January, a whole new year yet here I sit devestated by the same ole pain ... over and over and over this last 12 months I have gone on the never-ending hamster wheel of loving, hating, being with and being away from Will. Things are great, I think we're getting back together and working through our difficulty, then he finds someone new to tickle his pickle and I'm back to being devestated. If it wasn't so parylizingly painful, it really would be humorous!! I kept getting on here, meaning to blog, but my life was perfect, I had nothing to say ... I had my husband back, my family back, we got along SO well (with the occassional hiccup). He was being faithful, truthful, working hard and coming home to be a husband and dad at the end of the day ... He spent all but one or two nights a week here with me. I thought it was all going to be okay. And then Liz reared her ugly head again and I realized there was more than just the "friendly talks" I was being told were there ... I should have known, I should have ended it. That was his birthday ... again. Weird how things always happen around holiday's with us. I didn't, I looked past it again *Back on the hamster wheel* and the sure has hell, there's another one.

What exactly is it I'm suppose to learn from this nightmare ride I can't seem to get off of? I'm in a desperate state of dysfunction and can't seem to get a grip on the bad decisions. I'll figure it out, eventually. Until then ... I'll wake up tomorrow and hope that it's not another Groundhogs Day.

Let go

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life. What is it you would let go of today?" Mary Manin Morrissey


My world has come crashing down... the air has left my lungs, the beat has left my heart. I am a shell, empty, destroyed, broken. I can't say that I am suicidal, although my thoughts lean more towards the fact that I really cannot see a benefit to my life vs. a benefit to my death. Just wonder how much easier it would be on everyone if I just simply ceased to exsist ... perhaps a jaunt with a ghost of Christmas future might do me some good. Who knows. I can't think, I can't breathe ... I'm broken.

I cycled down like a bird whose wings had been clipped mid-flight, kind of has the sound of a cartoon airplane falling through the air at top speed in the head ... started last Sunday, my falling bird caught an updraft on Thursday I acted foolishly and maniacally on Thursday night and by Friday I was so twitchy and talking so fast Will had to practically hold me down and make me breathe through it. Told me I looked like a tweaker. We both knew that the updraft was going to stop, and it did ... last night; and my little bird hit the ground in a grand explosion of fluff. I have bottomed out, despite my medication. I have bottomed out and am so very low right now that I seriously don't care one way or the other if I ever see the sun again. I just simply don't give a flying fuck about anything. So it is what it is ... I know in a couple of days I'll swing back up, just not so high this time, I hope ... I know by the weekend I'll flatline ... I won't be either here nor there but at the very least by then the crushing devistating pain that I am feeling right now will not be noticable. Next week, I'll go down, and up, down mostly at night ... kind of like the sun. Then by the weekend, I will be on the path of healing ... I know my cycles, we're intimate friends. I know what triggered this one, I know why it's continuing and I know that the gut wrenchingly stupid mistakes I'm making are because of it. That is not to say that I can control the fact that I am making them, just that I know WHY. I was blessed with discernment in my patriarchal blessing ... the Lord, in his grand sense of humor has made it a rather physical thing for me ... I actually shake, ALL OVER, to the point of my teeth chattering as if I were standing outside in the snow naked when I'm doing something wrong, or when something is amiss. I was having such convulsions last night as I pretended to be Will on FB and talked to his "girlfriend" the newest one anyway ... got out of her that they are sleeping together. Got out of her that he told her he and I hadn't been. Then I nailed her with the truth. Told her that he not only wasn't telling her the truth about us not sleeping together, that we had slept together as recently as Thursday. Why when my guts started to shake didn't I stop? I don't know ... why when she popped onto his fb chat didn't I ignore her, or tell her it was me so she'd leave me alone ... I don't know. Why when I woke Will up to tell him she was about to call him and he'd better answer was I surprised when he was vehemently angry? I don't know. Why when he went out did I run after him crying like a little girl? Why did I stand in the freezing cold snow in my pj's and slippers outside of his truck begging for him to come back inside? I don't know. All I know right now is that my heart has whispered his name with every beat for 11 years this Friday. All I know is that each breath I took filled my lungs with love for him... All I know is that my entire body cries, aches and bleeds right now because the man to whom I'd dedicated not only my life, but also my eternity, to whom I gave my body, heart and soul to ... is gone. I do not know how to fill my lungs without him, I do not know how to make my heart beat without his name to be whispered. I do not know how to live without living for him. I do not know how to not love him. I don't know anything. I'm broken, I'm destroyed.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


A letter to her...

"I am sorry that your husband was an asshole. I wish I could say the same about Will because it would make this all so much easier. I can tell you more than you'll probably ever know how truly, sincerely and perfectly amazing Will is as a man. He is the most loving and dedicated Dad although he is scary sometimes when they are in trouble. He's magic. I have loved him since before I ever even knew he was alive... I had to go all the way to Ohio to find him. When we sat in the temple together every part of my soul, my body down to the marrow of my bones and the cells in my blood filled with love for him. Every beat of my heart for 11 years has been whispering his name. Now every part of me cries, it bleeds and it aches. He is magic and he is amazing and he used to be mine. He's perfect in every rediculously imperfect way. I am so truly sorry, for me, that I still get butterflies when he walks into the room and that my heart leaps out of my chest when he speaks... Your husband was an ass, so the overcoming of those feelings for you was probably considerably easier for you, although painfully more difficult in ways I cannot even begin to understand. The overcoming of these feelings I have for Will has been life alteringly impossible because he ISN'T an ass (until he chooses to be, which isn't often, but is truly convincing when he does)... This last year we've been divorced he has been MY Will ... The man that I fell in love with... I mistook that man however to be the same man who loved me once upon a time, and he is not.

Good luck to you and you will have no further intrusion from me. I thank you for offering your ear, but the last time I tried to make friends with one of Will's mistresses, turned girlfriend upon our divorce, it turned to bite me in my ass... I allowed my desperation, my dysfunction and my broken heart to dictate my behavior this last week and I am ashamed of myself to the tenth degree. I have made some heart wrenchingly TERRIBLE decisions in regards to Will, and the only excuse I have is that I just simply wanted the man that I have been hopelessly, deeply and completely in love with for all these years to love me back. I apologize for my intrusion, my interference. I was not trying to create problems as much as I wanted you to be aware, to be wary and to be careful. No one deserves to be lied to, ever.

Again, from the depths of my despair, I am so embarassed, and so sorry for putting myself into a place where I not only did not belong, but was not welcome. I assure you, all that has happened will never happen again.
Kim "