Flatlined

My world has come crashing down... the air has left my lungs, the beat has left my heart. I am a shell, empty, destroyed, broken. I can't say that I am suicidal, although my thoughts lean more towards the fact that I really cannot see a benefit to my life vs. a benefit to my death. Just wonder how much easier it would be on everyone if I just simply ceased to exsist ... perhaps a jaunt with a ghost of Christmas future might do me some good. Who knows. I can't think, I can't breathe ... I'm broken.

I cycled down like a bird whose wings had been clipped mid-flight, kind of has the sound of a cartoon airplane falling through the air at top speed in the head ... started last Sunday, my falling bird caught an updraft on Thursday I acted foolishly and maniacally on Thursday night and by Friday I was so twitchy and talking so fast Will had to practically hold me down and make me breathe through it. Told me I looked like a tweaker. We both knew that the updraft was going to stop, and it did ... last night; and my little bird hit the ground in a grand explosion of fluff. I have bottomed out, despite my medication. I have bottomed out and am so very low right now that I seriously don't care one way or the other if I ever see the sun again. I just simply don't give a flying fuck about anything. So it is what it is ... I know in a couple of days I'll swing back up, just not so high this time, I hope ... I know by the weekend I'll flatline ... I won't be either here nor there but at the very least by then the crushing devistating pain that I am feeling right now will not be noticable. Next week, I'll go down, and up, down mostly at night ... kind of like the sun. Then by the weekend, I will be on the path of healing ... I know my cycles, we're intimate friends. I know what triggered this one, I know why it's continuing and I know that the gut wrenchingly stupid mistakes I'm making are because of it. That is not to say that I can control the fact that I am making them, just that I know WHY. I was blessed with discernment in my patriarchal blessing ... the Lord, in his grand sense of humor has made it a rather physical thing for me ... I actually shake, ALL OVER, to the point of my teeth chattering as if I were standing outside in the snow naked when I'm doing something wrong, or when something is amiss. I was having such convulsions last night as I pretended to be Will on FB and talked to his "girlfriend" the newest one anyway ... got out of her that they are sleeping together. Got out of her that he told her he and I hadn't been. Then I nailed her with the truth. Told her that he not only wasn't telling her the truth about us not sleeping together, that we had slept together as recently as Thursday. Why when my guts started to shake didn't I stop? I don't know ... why when she popped onto his fb chat didn't I ignore her, or tell her it was me so she'd leave me alone ... I don't know. Why when I woke Will up to tell him she was about to call him and he'd better answer was I surprised when he was vehemently angry? I don't know. Why when he went out did I run after him crying like a little girl? Why did I stand in the freezing cold snow in my pj's and slippers outside of his truck begging for him to come back inside? I don't know. All I know right now is that my heart has whispered his name with every beat for 11 years this Friday. All I know is that each breath I took filled my lungs with love for him... All I know is that my entire body cries, aches and bleeds right now because the man to whom I'd dedicated not only my life, but also my eternity, to whom I gave my body, heart and soul to ... is gone. I do not know how to fill my lungs without him, I do not know how to make my heart beat without his name to be whispered. I do not know how to live without living for him. I do not know how to not love him. I don't know anything. I'm broken, I'm destroyed.