Space

For nearly 34 years now I've heard the story from my mother about how as a moment's old infant I "straight-armed" her. I've been straight-arming people ever since. I don't like to be touched. I have learned socially acceptable "moves" for when in conversation with others, i.e. touching their arms to show I care and am listening. But other than it being an effort on my part to be socially acceptable, I don't like touching or being touched. There are of course exceptions to this general rule, as with anything.

As a child I came from a home that hugging my siblings was a punishment for fighting and being hugged by my parents was an event that was reserved for things like our weddings. I never felt slighted really, being a person who doesn't want to be touched anyway. But there were times that a hug would have made all the difference.

As a parent, I don't want my children to be as "socially awkward" as I was in not being touched, or to feel that they cannot come to me for a hug when it's needed. But, as a person who doesn't like to be touched, parenting in this way is doubly difficult. I LOVED snuggling my babies with their new baby smell but equally enjoyed laying them down on the floor and not holding them.

Jade is very much like me. She wants to be hugged, and held, but on her terms. That has worked very well for me as a parent (with the few exceptions when she's too irresistible and I HAVE to give her a love). Kydrun is by far the touchiest child I've ever met. Part of this is because he's his father's son and Will is a fairly touchy person. Part of it I attribute to his burn. Brylin is also very much like me and wants to be hugged on her terms but at the same time spends MOST of her time on my lap.

As a mom, I think all of our children do things that are generally annoying but with me I think that some of them are made unnecessarily more difficult by my need for space. Mine are "tappers". "Momomomomomom" is accompanied by the invariable tap on the arm, leg or back. This contact sends an electrical shock through me that gives me a stomach ache. It takes all of my control to not shout "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" I'm sure MANY parents have this same reaction to that annoying little habit of our children, but I think my reaction is a lot more severe than just general annoyance. The kids have now deemed me as "SAFE" so whenever one of them is picking on the other, or chasing or whatever, I am invariably grabbed for safety. THIS is annoying to the tenth degree. These things are typically annoying to most parents, made worse for me by my lack of touchiness.

Those are not what prompted this. What prompted this is the fact that my kids, especially Kydrun, come in and want kisses and hugs CONSTANTLY. Kydrun is forever coming in and kissing my cheek, my arms, my forehead. So sweet huh?! NO! Oh it drives me insane and makes me shudder every time. What kind of horrible parent am I that I shudder when my sweet, darling and loving son gives me kisses? I am a terrible person. How can I as a parent not want to be touched by my children? Brylin doesn't sleep through the night in her own bed, she wakes up in my bed every morning. Last night while watching a movie Brylin woke up and came and got into my bed. Of course because of her nightmare, she wanted to snuggle. This caused me so much physical discomfort that it was hard to focus on the movie.

It's one thing to want your space; it's another thing entirely to not be able to stand the sweet, loving touches of your children. How does one without boundaries in a figurative sense deal with overly severe boundaries in a physical sense? I don't want to be touched. How do I get over that? How do I learn to WANT to hold my children's hands while we're walking up the sidewalk? How do I learn to WANT goodnight kisses and sweet "I love you" hugs for no reason?