Time

Wow, it's already the 7th of April. I cannot believe I let the last 2 months get away without sitting down and writing. Just a testament to my severe laziness.

So in February, I made some great strides in becoming an independent and strong woman. On Valentines Day, Will and I went out on an official "Date". It was nice :) We decided that we would "Date" each other and just see what the future holds. We went to the Zoo with the kids on the 15th of February. It was oddly fun. It was warm enough that I ended up carrying the coats, of course, but cool enough that the animals were out and moving around. We got to watch them feed the wolf, and the snow leopard, which is Jade's favorite, was actually out of his hide and sitting in the sun.

One of the most horrible experiences of my life happened on February 12. After falling into complacency I got neglectful of the ferrets and their whereabouts while I was doing a random load of laundry that I don't normally do. After cycling my comforter I opened the washing machine and my beautiful Greenli fell into my hands. I screamed and panicked and pulled the blanket out only to find my newest boy, Sebastian also in there. I'd lost two of my babies in one moment of neglect. I was horrified and in absolute agony. No one really understands the pain I felt, they are "just ferrets" after all, but to me, they're like my children. I love each of them and each of them gives me joy and laughter. I miss them, even today and going back and thinking about it still makes me cry. I still get a stomach ache when I use the washing machine and I still stop the load in a panick afraid I've lost someone in there again. It's one thing to lose a loved one, pet or otherwise, to natural causes, like I lost my Aynsley but to lose one, or worse two, at your own doing is horrendous. While at Petco a week or so later I came across a little marked white baby I had to have so I brought him home. His name is Ice and he's a little terror that I enjoy every moment of. I spent the first 2 weeks syringe feeding him every 4 hours because he wasn't quite old enough to be away from his mother yet. He's grown now, and is doing a wonderful job being the obnoxious new kid to the others. I love my ferrets.

Besides that, the general monotony life wasn't overly exciting in February. I had my ups an downs, my moments of joy and clarity that I wish I would have made note of because my memory is nothing to speak of anymore and my moments of weakness and pain that I'm glad I've forgotten.

The first part of March proved to be an interesting turning point in my life. After some convincing I was able to get Will to attend a singles dance with me. The relationship that Will and I have is so odd on so many levels. We love each other, we're best friends and we love to be together, but we're not married anymore. It was as friends that we attended this dance. There is a guy that I met at a dance in January that I've been looking for named Joe. He's never been to one of the dances I've been to since. There is also a guy named Justin that I LOVE LOVE LOVE to watch dance at the dances. He's just THAT good at dancing.

Will wanted me to ask him to dance, but I've never been officially introduced to Justin so I was too embarassed to ask him to dance. After several dances, my friend Mandi pointed out that the guy I'd been waiting on, Joe, was actually there!! I practically RAN over and started to talk to him and asked to dance on the next slow song (since I can't dance fast dances). He and I shared a couple of slow songs and some nice conversation. Will fell apart.

After we left the dance Will and I came back here and spent a great deal of time talking. He was so incredibly upset. I couldn't for the life of me understand what he had to be upset about because HE is the one that left ME. I didn't want the divorce in the first place. He knew the risks. He explained everything that had happened over the last 4 months that had been so confusing to me. He'd been telling me "I don't love you anymore" for so long and now he's telling me that was a lie. He said he told me whatever he had to to get me to divorce him because he didn't want to hurt me anymore and wanted to protect me from himself. It's all confusing but his explanation was considerably easier to reconsile than his "I don't love you anymore". I just could never believe it. His confession of love, of being in love with me still, of wanting to be with me and being willing to do whatever it takes to win me back has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'd spent so much time moving on, working so hard to wrap my feelings up in a pretty little box with a big blue bow. I'm not sure I want to unwrap them now. I'm not sure I want to risk being hurt by him again. I forgave him the first time, I mostly forgave him the second time, but the second time was followed by a divorce. I was okay being his friend, being there for him, with him, around him. Hearing about his dates, and his life. I had no problem with any of that. Now I am not sure where I am, what I feel, what I WANT to feel or do with my life.

There are only two things that I'm really sure of right now 1. I want to see what might happen with Joe and 2. I love Will and will stand by him down his road back if he wants me to, regardless of where it leads "us".

I'm not as at peace as I was in February with my life.

I am looking right now at getting back into school. I'm not sure where I'm going to go, but I'm looking at SLCC and Dixie. I just need to get my generals done so I can move on to something bigger and better. I hope the years I went before aren't for naught!!