Clarity?

I re-read my Clarity post. I don't know how I could define that as clarity given the simple fact that the words put down were just the exact same regurgitated words I've BEEN putting down for 6 months. My thought process is mighty redundant. I'm surprised more of my friends haven't told me to shut-up yet. I think that's why I blog ... if you don't want to hear it, quit reading. *shrug* Easy enough I think.

I think that the clarity wasn't so much about Will but about myself. I've known the stuff about Will, that's only GLARINGLY obvious to everyone, and yes, even me.

Here's what was clarified in my mind. My 8 year old struggles... a lot. She's vicious, mean, bossy and a down-right bully to her brother who is 18 months her junior. In addition to being so horrible and abusive to Kydrun, she is defiant and extremely contradictory. Jade speaks another language. You'd think I'd know it, seeing as how when I was her age I spoke it to, but I don't. She has to be spoken to in a certain way to get her to hear, to listen, to even care about what is being said. I had a therapist tell me once that Jade is "Parentified" which means that she believes she is MY parent. Try parenting your parent ... it doesn't work. She's resentful of being told what to do and believes she is the other kids supreme authority and they should therefore do as SHE says over what I say. When they disobey her, she gets extremely violent with them, scolding and punishing them.

I created this little monster with my exceedingly bad parenting skills. I've been so incredibly dysfunctional for so much of her life, she's had to take on the roll as Mom for the other two. Even though I've been physically present ... I haven't always been present. I realized this this week more than ever in her life. I've been off-kilter all week. My medications haven't been right, I've been physically ill and I've been suffering from some insomnia which is more like my schedule being screwed up rather than the inability to sleep. I sleep just fine, just not at night. So I finally crash at about 3-4am and the kids get up at 6-6:30. They want breakfast so they come to me and ask permission to get themselves breakfast. In my cloudy, exhausted mind I think to myself "They're old enough to get their own breakfast, they'll be fine". When Brylin rolls out of bed a couple of hours later (she's too much like me) I call Jade to me and ask her to get breakfast for Brylin. As far as I can recollect, this is the extent of my neglectful parenting, but it's enough.

Here's my moment of clarity. IF I were to have more of a spine, be more disciplined in my OWN life, be more disciplined in going to bed, getting up etc... I'd be able to be more disciplined in being a parent. The clarity about Will, about how I falter over and over with him, and forgive, and look past his indiscretions is indicative of the very biggest weakness in me. I'm not even sure that I have a word to describe what exactly it is .. complacency? Laziness? Wishy-washiness? I have a severe lack of self-motivation as well. So my clarity: I have no idea how to parent my daughter. Until I can reign myself in, gain control of my life she's going to continue to get worse. Until I learn, or get the gumption, to stand up to Will and tell him No More; to get a backbone; to fill out my college applications and fafsa papers; until I go to bed at 8 with them and get up before they do and have breakfast on the table for them when they wake up, I'm going to continue to lose my girl.