Dreams

I'm reading a new book series called The Great and Terrible by Chris Stewart. I just finished reading the first book. Although, imho, poorly written it was thought provoking. There were descriptions in there that brought flickers of recollection to mind from my own life. I've only ever shared this story with a handful of people.

Some excerpts from the book; they're a bit out of context because you have to know the characters and the story behind it, which I'm not going to give but these characters are speaking to Heavenly Father:

"...Luke shot a worried look toward Beth as he thought of the vision he'd seen. "Will it be like Lucifer showed me?" he asked worriedly.
The Father frowned a little. "I'm afraid that it will." He put his arm around Beth. "But you will make it," he assured her. "I know how strong you've become. And remember, all of you, that I will always be there." ...
...Then they saw one great family working and laughing and playing with God, a sustained march of people that extended from brother Michael to the last child born, one chain, and eternal lineage of brothers and sisters and husbands and wives...
...Sweeping his arms across eternity, the Father explained, "I am sending you to earth at a very treacherous time. Once you are there, you will forget everything. And the things you will deal with will seem so important to you. Your everyday problems will seem incredibly large-your work and your school, your family and friends, what to wear, how you look. Are you fat? Are you strong? Are you pretty? Are you smart? Do you make enough money? Do other people like you? Why weren't you chosen for a game or group activity? Why isn't life always fair? Worries such as these may consume you and take all your time. ... It will be easy to forget that life is always good - there whether you are here or on earth, you are meant to find joy. ...
"...So on quiet nights in the summer, when you are still and peaceful, I want you to look up at the heavens, the moon and the stars so your spirit can remember these things I have shown you today. And if you do, you will remember, somewhere deep in your soul, that you are a part of a heavenly family, a heavenly plan, something eternal and wonderful and incredibly large. You will remember that your family is up here cheering for you, that family is the only thing that matters, the only thing of any significance. ... "...I've seen he world, dear Father, and it's a dark, dangerous place. And if we can't remember that you love us, how are we going to know? ..."But if you listen, I will tell you. If you listen closely, you will know." (The Great and Terrible, volume 1 PROLOGUE: The Brothers by Chris Stewart; chapter 21 pages 195-197.)

When I was 15-ish I wanted nothing more than to die. I had faith in God, in something larger than myself but failed to see or understand the significance of it. I was lost inside my own head and felt numb from the eyebrows down. I simply existed, I wasn't alive and I longed to be dead more than I longed to breathe. One night, after a rather feeble attempt at suicide I went to bed in my entirely blacked out room. I remember looking at my alarm on my desk across the room and it was 7:06pm. I woke up at 12:37pm, looked at the clock and closed my eyes again. When I opened my eyes again my alarm clock was gone, my room completely black. I sat up, confused on the edge of my bed wondering if the power had gone out. While I sat there trying to get the sleep to clear from my mind and to figure out exactly what was going on I caught sight of a hole in my wall. It looked like a nail hole, or a drill hole that went all the way through the wall and the light in the next room was on. I'd never noticed it before so I stood up and carefully (my room was a mess) walked across the floor with my hands stretched out in front of me so I didn't run into the desk. I never reached my desk and when I put my hand up to try to touch the minute little hole, I was suddenly surrounded with light. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust from my darkness into the light.

When my eyes adjusted I found myself staring out across a sea of people all in white. They were without number. There was a peace, a beauty and an underlying joy I could feel but that I found very, very difficult to take in. I stood there confused not sure what to do, to think, where to go. Then I heard my name.

"Kimberly." It was a sentence, not a question and the voice was unmistakable although it had been many years since I'd heard it. It was my paternal Grandmother, Pauline Moon. When I turned to her voice I saw her and I swelled with happiness. There stood my little red-haired grandma flanked on one side by my maternal step-grandpa and my favoritest person in the world Grandpa Williams and on the other two people who I didn't know; a very tall dark haired man and a short white haired lady neither of whom ever spoke. I ran to them, relieved.

"Why are you here?" Grandma asked. "You're not suppose to be here. You need to go back." I was confused again. I didn't WANT to go back, I was finally where I wanted to be and there was nothing making me want to go back. "Please don't make me" I begged. Grandpa stepped over, wrapped me in his arms and said "You have to go back, you aren't suppose to be here" I cried. I spent what seemed like forever begging, pleading, bargaining and crying that I might just stay. "There's nothing there for me. I don't want to go back."

Grandma turned me around to face this huge sea of people who all seemed to be staring at me. "Do you see all of these people?" "Yes." "These are the people that YOU will influence in your lifetime to follow the Savior; that you will bring into the church; that you will do their work in the temple. Without YOU, your influence, your presence they will be lost." But there were SO many. I begged again, "PLEASE don't make me go back. I'M lost. There's no way that I can influence anybody. Someone else can help them, someone else will be there, someone else is stronger. Please let me stay!" They all shook their heads and wrapped their arms around me. "It's time for you to go back now."

"Please go with me. I can't do it alone. Please don't make me go do it alone." Grandpa put his arm around me and hugged me to him and whispered, "We've already gone and we can't go back." Grandma put her arm around me and said, "What can you feel?" I wasn't sure what she was referring to because I was feeling SO many things right then. She said, "Can you feel Him? Can you feel His love? He is always here and He will go with you. All you have to do is rely is on Him, call on Him and believe in Him and you WILL make it through just fine." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and just allowed myself to feel the joy, the peace and the overwhelming love. I wanted to much to see our Savior, and was disappointed that I never got to, but with time I've come to understand why I didn't. They each hugged me one last time, told me to remember and to stay strong. I cried and held their hands not wanting to go but knowing I had no choice. I put my head down in sorrow, closed my eyes and willed the tears to stop and turned away from them. I was immediately surrounded by darkness, standing in alone in my bedroom staring at the red numbers on my alarm clock which read 12:39am. I sat down on my bed and cried, confused and lonelier than ever before but suddenly full of hope where there was hopelessness before.

I changed a lot of things that night. I pulled the covers off of my windows, allowing light into my room. I changed a lot of my music habits and worked very hard and finding, and keeping my faith intact. I've only felt that Love, that unconditional, personal and perfect love a handful of times since then. I always realize how much I miss it when I feel it and I long for it for so long after it's gone. It's been a long time now since I've felt it I'm afraid I won't recognize it when I do. I found out not long after this experience that the two other people that were with my Grandma and Grandpa were my Great-Grandparents on my mothers side (Her Grandma and Grandpa) who both passed before I was born. I'd never seen them, or many photo's of them so I didn't recognize them. It wasn't until I saw a photo of them in an old photo album of my Grandmothers that I figured out who they were. I knew them immediately.

I hope I've helped all of those people. I hope I've influenced many. I don't know if I have and I'm afraid that if I consider it I'll consider it failure. All I want more than anything in the world is to find the Joy and then in the end to stand before my Savior and my God and to declare that I've done all that was asked of me to have him tell me, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." I hope I do not fall short, I hope I do not disappoint Him or any of the individual faces in that multitude.

I guess I'd better get busy.