Clarity

I'm having a moment of clarity and although it's now 3:12am I have to write it down ... in fact, BECAUSE it's 3:12am, I have to write it down.

4 years ago a line was crossed in my marriage, by my husband. As soon as I discovered the line had been crossed I reacted, I laid down the law and I tried to make damn sure that the line would NEVER be crossed again. But then I screwed it all up. I allowed him to talk me into the fact that "it was nothing", "it was just jokes", "she's just my friend". So I insisted that he call her, and apologize for me. WHAT THE F*&K WAS I THINKING?!! Right then and there was the end. I turned the other cheek in such a way that it allowed him to dance all along and over the line all he wanted until he crossed ANOTHER line, a much, much worse line.

When the worse line was crossed, I was furious, I was angry, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was destroyed. Then I spent the next 6 months trying to win him back. I begged, I pleaded, I bargained. I forgave. He came home with strict rules in place. Rules he never did abide by.

Within 1 year he crossed that line again and my marriage was over because HE wanted it to be. Since then, I have been on a horrible roller coaster ride that never ends. He moved in with his girlfriend, I went over and met her to "make it easier for him". I welcomed him back into my bed, over and over, even though I knew I was now the other woman. Things didn't work out with his whore, no surprise there and he was suddenly alone. Then I met a guy I was so incredibly interested in (I still am and I've only ever met him twice). So in a panic, Will cast his net. He cried, he played all the right music, said all the right words, touched my heart in all the right ways and I was caught, again. Or had I ever been set free? Had I just on a longer leash? He reeled me in, and although I fought hard, I wore out and I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to climb back onto the same damn roller coaster I thought I'd just gotten off. Once he had me reeled back in and sufficiently dizzy, he changed his mind about all of the right words, all of the right promises. And his mind, and eye started to wander again. He is obsessively private about his phone, won't let me touch it even to make a phone call. Granted, I check it when I do get my hands on it, but who wouldn't after being betrayed as many times as he's betrayed me?? I knew, I knew something was going on but I looked past it hoping it was my imagination. Then I met another guy. He found out immediately because HE checked MY phone. He was SO man and freaked out and oddly, I felt compelled to lie to him about it. To make it okay. I told him that Mandi had put his number into my phone, that the texts he read were out of context. I tried to smooth it over so he wouldn't be mad. WHY?!! It wasn't like I was even that interested in the guy. He was cute, and nice to talk to sure, but that was it. Nothing more than his little friend Dora, who I've ALWAYS looked beyond.

The last few weeks he's done SO many things to prove to me that he is not who I want to spend my life with. He's not the man I fell in love with and has no desire to become that man again. I think one of the final straws was that we were driving in the truck after a WONDERFUL day of being together with the kids as a family. MY Will was actually back and present and I was SOOOOO happy. It was night-time and I'd been cold all day, wearing my coat, like always and Will was driving with his window rolled down. Brylin was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and was sitting in her seat behind Will. She was shivering and so was I and I was wearing my coat. I asked him to please roll his window up because we were cold and he said No because HE was hot. I took my coat off and gave it to Brylin but it was just so SELFISH. What kind of person won't roll the window up when their child and the woman who they profess to love are sitting there freezing?? That wasn't the straw that broke the camels back, but it was one of the last. I didn't marry a man who was so selfish and I don't want to be with a man who is.

I checked his phone late on Sunday night. I discovered to my horror, but not to my surprise that he's been sending texts to another woman that say the same things he's been saying to me. Love you. Miss You. This just happens to be the very same woman that he crossed the very, very first line with. Go figure. While she lives in AZ, she's planned a trip up here in July and "July just can't get here soon enough". DUH!! One of the texts from her said "you're going to have to get that all out of your system". There was no context to this text. Whatever it was he said had been deleted. It didn't occur to me until JUST NOW that he WANTED me to find those texts. He KNEW I'd check his phone and he knew I'd find them. He just wasn't prepared for me to tell him I was finished. And when I did, at 3am, he got mad. Why? Because he felt his hold slipping. Less than 12 hours later, he reeled the leash back in and I'm back to being hooked even though I know.

All I am is a bed warmer. He's keeping me around because I'm here, I'm close, I'll do ANYTHING in the world for him and he knows it. But he's not here, his mind and his pants are in AZ and in July when she's here for her "visit".

I've known it all along; it's been right in front of my face this entire time and I've known but I never ever wanted to see it.

So now what?