I wonder if a person who has found the Yin to their Yang could ever be whole with someone else? Is it possible to love someone but to feel "completed" and "whole" by another? Is it possible that there is more than one "perfect match" for my Yin? Is it possible to actually miss a part of yourself you never actually knew you lost?
I believe the Lord puts us in positions for a reason. We're in certain places, certain times, with certain people for a reason. I went to Ohio on my mission.
Wonderful place the Great Ohio, btw. I met a wonderful missionary Elder while I was there. The one that turned out to be my future husband. Is it possible that I married the wrong future husband? Is it possible that I'm only partially whole with who I was with and that's why it ended? Is it possible that a person just exactly like me could exist and be in my life but not BE my life? Can I ever be whole with anyone except my Yang? I found and married someone who I truly thought completed me, but I've been coming to the realization that I spent my entire marriage trying to make myself fit into HIS yin yang and I just simply don't and I'm doubting that I ever will. I'm finding myself trying to force him into my yin yang and he's resentful of it. For only three
moments in our marriage were we harmonious and made a good match was in the creation of our three beautiful children. Will is a square peg that I am trying to force into a round hole... I could eventually get him there, it would scrape up his sides, dent him and potentially break him, but if I pushed hard enough, that square peg WOULD fit. It would be uncomfortable for him, and potentially downright miserable for him. I cannot force my beautifully square peg anymore. He is never going to be able to become what I want him to become and it's not fair for me to try to force him to. He's a wonderful, perfect man; he's sweet, he's gentle and he's SO funny. I love him with all of me and he's my best friend; I enjoy him SOOO much ... But he's a square peg. I want someone to go to church with me, to go the temple with me. Someone to drag me by the hand into Sunday School so that I don't break my phone playing Tetris in the hall. I want someone who will encourage me to be better, to live better. I want someone who has the Priesthood that I value so highly.
**Sidebar story: When I was a teenager I got strep throat for the first time. I was in hell and wished I could be dead. My fever was so high, every inch of me hurt, my throat burned and ached and nothing I did could make it go away. My mother nursed me and took care of me the best she could but I wanted my Dad. I wanted a blessing to make the sick go away. I remember vividly, as if it happened yesterday, my Dad coming into my room and the peace I felt that I was finally going to get better. My Dad walked over to my bed, put his hand on my forehead and petted me gentle and said "I'm so sorry you're sick". That was it. My Dad isn't a member of the church, he doesn't hold the Priesthood. There was nothing he could have done for me when he laid his hand on my forehead except exactly what he did ... "I'm sorry you're sick". The disappointment resounds in my soul to this day. I promised myself then and there that I would NEVER live with a man that didn't have the Priesthood. When my children are sick and they need a blessing, or when they start school, or whenever they just need clarity ... There will be no phone calls to the bishopric or home teachers to find someone to come over and give a blessing. That person will be in my house and available and worthy at all times.
So who I thought completed my Yin, turned out to be a Yin himself. We didn't complete each other at all. He's still so much a part of me, but he's not the Soul Mate that I always believed him to be.
While talking to a friend of mine today spoke about a new "friend" of mine who I 
*thought* was interested in me, and that I was mildly, curiously interested in but it didn't pan out. This new "friend", while having our first phone conversation, asked me several times about a female friend of mine that he's interested in. No big deal there, little crushing to the ego though! My friend told me today that this guy isn't right for me because the one that's right for me will forget anyone else exists when he meets me. I envision the perfect positioning of the halves of ourselves finally becoming an entire whole. Is it possible to find that? Is it possible to live without it if you know where it is but can't have it?
1 comment:
kim- i love reading your stuff even if sometimes it makes me want to shake you....... lol
i do not want to offend you and sometimes i just feel argumentative but here it goes.... you can always tell me to get lost and i mean none of it personal
in regards to both your thoughts about the power of the priesthood both here and about the burns.. what if in the case of your sons burns and your ability to handle it had NOTHING to do with god or the priesthood? and if things had turned out worse would you then blame god... or the people who do have it worse does it mean they are less favored or less loved by god?
even if your father "could" have blessed you the pain would not have gone anywhere though your perception of that pain could have been different-- sort of mind over matter-- i had a blessing so i feel better when really nothing changed in your physical condition.
i would ask you WHY religion is more important than reality?
do you really honestly think there is something called "priesthood power"-- and if it is the ability to act for god why are men taught to not make any promises in their priesthood blessings- but are told to pray for things like comfort and understanding and strength but not for out comes because they can not really promise that..
do you see what i am saying-- when you were a kid and sick whether you got a blessing or not you still got better...
to me as an ex-mormon almost atheist which a pyschology degree the priesthood power is nothing more than a placebo effect-
as a mother i have often prayed to a higher power on behalf of my children to help them heal to help them sleep to help them rest to help me know what to do for them--
typing one handed holding trevor but i also wanted to talk about the fitting together ideas with another person but i am going to lay down trevor and write you another comment
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