Growth

It's been a couple of weeks. It's been a very rocky couple of weeks. I'm sick of rocky.

Although Will and I were divorced in December, we were more "separated" than actually divorced. Until 3 weeks ago. 3 weeks ago he decided this girl he's been seeing is a serious thing. He cut me out entirely. Whenever we'd talk he was mean, and curt. He started to verbally abuse me because he was frustrated. It got to be difficult. I think the most difficult part was because he moved on years ago. He went through our divorce 4 years before we ever had it. He's perfectly fine being with and having feelings for someone else. For me, my divorce is only 3 weeks old. I'm a bit mad about it actually... I wish I'd of just done this in January and spent the last 6 months growing instead of going through the same pain over and over and over. It's rediculous.

But I'm growing. I've gotten more of a backbone now. I'm standing up for myself, establishing and working on enforcing better boundaries. I've really realized now that I am not in love with Will, I haven't been for a long time, but he's comfortable and it's easy. It's easy to be around him, it's easy to talk to him, it's just easy. Going out into the world is what is hard. Meeting new people is hard. The idea of falling in love again is hard. The quote I've heard a lot that comes to mind right now is "I Never Said It Would Be Easy, I Only Said It Would Be Worth It" - Jesus.

I guess this is the hard part and the worth it part is yet to come.

I started a new job yesterday at Intermountain Healthcare. I'm really excited about this. It's a good position, a good starting place for growth and expansion in my life. I have the opportunity to basically pick what shifts I want to work, and am able to ease back into the workforce that I have been out of for 5 years. When I was going for the interview that I was shocked I got, I sat in the car and prayed. I said "Lord, I do not want this job. I want to stay at home with the kids and I don't want to work. BUT if YOU want me to have this job, then you'll need to open my mouth, open my mind and get me this job." I went into the interview, I thought it went okay, a couple of things I thought I wouldn't get it for. They told me it would be Monday or Tuesday of the following week (my interview was on Monday). I got called on Wednesday offering me the position. Apparently one of the managers, my new manager, grabbed my sheet and told the other two interviewers that she wanted me ... I had the job before I even got to the elevators. I told the Lord, "Okay, you got me the job, now get me daycare." I started calling around and couldn't find anywhere that would be able to pick the kids up from school and keep them if I were to work a late shift. Then I made a call to my RS president, who knew of a woman who used to live in the ward but had recently moved. I called her and she can pick them up and keep them late. There's a couple of bumps in that road that I'm going to have to go over, but apparently this is what the Lord wants so I'm not overly worried about it. I'll do the footwork if he guides my steps. I also figured that since He's the one that wants me to have this job that I'd better do a phenominal job.

I'm excited to move on with my life. Meet new people, enjoy new things. I recently went to a dance and although I had a bit of trepidation when we first got there, I quickly was able to come out of it and had a fantastic time. Mandi makes me smile and I am so incredibly grateful for her friendship. She's such a good, genuine and pure person. I could only hope to be like her someday. I met some cute guys, learned some new dance moves (which I am terrible at) and just smiled, a lot.

I'm still in the refiners fire, but it isn't as uncomfortable anymore. I think I'm ready to listen now, to allow Him to mould me into what He needs me to be instead of resisting and thinking my way is best.