Plan B?

Still on the hamster wheel most of the time. I'm sick of being dizzy; sick of the constant motion. I'm ready to get off. It's time.

Went to therapy again last night, seemed like a waste of time really ... she went into the most typical "What was your relationship with your parents like" mode of thinking and now I'm co-dependant on Will because of the relationship w/ my dad. Kind of bums me out, I was hoping she'd be more insightful. However, I suppose if I am not really enjoying it, it must be good for me. Kind of like exercise. Been a good couple of weeks, mostly. Cried everyday, but have been able to shake it off for the most part. I have such a long, long road ahead of me and I haven't even stopped to tie my shoes yet. Will I ever be healthy? Will I ever be able to let go of the promises and the dreams that were broken and lost?

After my therapy appt, I went out to karaoke w/ some friends. Not sure I'm going to go again. I didn't know a lot of them; most of the men spent their time hanging all over my friend Cammie. Get pretty sick of that. It's really hard to be invisible, which I am at a good portion of these functions, and sometimes even at my own house. I did look cute though, had a good hair night and had my contacts in for the first time in a couple of years :)

Everything is great. But... A couple of weeks ago at a dance I spoke to a very wonderful and insightful man named Brian. I sure like him. Anyway, I said something about my kids being the very, very best thing I have ever done ... the most perfect wonderful thing I have ever done ... but ... He said that I wasn't allowed to say the word "but". He said it's an eraser word. Had me repeat the sentence again w/o tacking the "but" on the end. It felt good to say it w/o negating how wonderful they truly are by saying that I'm going to screw them up, that I AM screwing them up. He also told me that I have permission to say "No". Simply, completely and without a reason. "Will you" "No." It's a sentence and that's it. No, I won't. Now I just need to use it. Sure wish I knew how.

Working on it.

Just thinking about things that make me happy at the moment:
1. I got new contacts yesterday.
2. I got a new camera yesterday!
3. I got a new IPOD Nano Today.
4. I like getting texts from Brian even though he rarely texts.
5. I love getting emails from Brent telling how he is. I wish he'd find a boyfriend, he so deserves it.
6. Being able to talk about marinading a turkey on FB makes me happy.
7. Still: My polka-dotted yellow bra. Just love that thing!
8. My slippers and my smiley face jammie bottoms and of course my fleece zebra jammies!
9. When my kids get along.
10. That my car is clean and shiny and I got new seat covers and a steering wheel cover.
11. My ferrets, as always. It makes me smile when Ari puffs up every time she gets out of the cage and how Asher attacks anything that moves and how Kodiak speed bumps in the middle of the floor and how Ice steals anything he can get into his mouth and how Aspen is just Aspen. I love them and they make me smile, TONS.
12. My kids. How Brylin will yell like the house is on fire "MOM!" and when I say "What?" she says "I LOVE YOU!" How Kydrun always comes in for no reason to lay his head on my shoulder and give me a kiss. How Jade tells me things I don't know and I find out she made them up, i.e. One of her spelling words was "Glowworm". Kydrun asked what a glowworm was and I said "I don't know" and Jade said "It's the larva of a lightening bug" very matter-of-factly. I really thought she was serious. I was shocked "Really? That's cool" and she said "Oh, I don't know, it just sounded good". :)
13. My friends. Cammy sends me an affirmation by text every morning that says: "You are a capable, confident, powerful single mother. There's nothing you can't accomplish. ;)" Kari sends me one that says "I CHOOSE not to get emotionally involved!" Brian sends me :) at the end of every conversation, that's how I know it's over. Every time I post something on my FB status my friends support, laugh, encourage. I am such a blessed person. Sarah said she'd follow up w/ me (just like a Sister Missionary!) to check on my prayers. I'm not doing so well, but her encouragement helps!

I have very little in my life to be unhappy about really. The only thing I'm unhappy about when I stop to think about it is something that I should be happy about: My relationship with William is over. I'm not really "sad" per se about our "relationship" being over. I think I'm grieving that the man I married no longer exists and the man that's now in his place is a real ass. I'm grieving the promises and covenants he made. I'm grieving the future that he promised and that I dreamed of. I'm not really grieving HIM, as he is now. My therapist lady told me at my first visit with her that "You have a Plan A and that's it. No Plan B or Plan C, just a Plan A. Well, Plan A isn't working out, and without a Plan B you're panicking trying to hang on to and make Plan A work. Well Kimberly, Plan A is over, it failed. It's time to come up with a Plan B". Wise words, I need a Plan B, and a Plan C just in case.