Another Day

I'm doing better today. I am still very low in the depression although the tears have stopped. I've reached a point at which I have totally realized that I hate Will and that I am just so afraid to be alone, am so co-dependent and am just in the habit of wanting him that that's what I fight for. I DON'T want him. He makes me miserable and angry.

I was on my way out the other night, to go see a movie with some girlfriends and his mom called me. She had just come home from the care center and was still really weak. She had wet in her "brief" (which is the kind way of saying adult diaper) and it had leaked all over her and her chair. So she was sitting helplessly in her own urine unable to muster the strength to stand. I was on my way to meet people, I couldn't go. None of his sisters was available to go ... one of his sisters had just left after being there for two day. The other ex-daughter-in-law wasn't available either. I felt HORRIBLE that I couldn't go. Where was Will that he couldn't go help his mother? At the bar with his girlfriend. I went over to help his mother today. I had to help her off the toilet, wipe her urine up off the floor. Give her a bed bath. Make her breakfast, change her diaper. And where was he? He went out to breakfast w/ his buddy. I STILL haven't eaten.

He told his new whore that I am bipolar. I am SO angry I could hit him. That was NONE of her business. It was not HIS to tell her as an excuse for my behavior. The bad choices I've made were because my HEART was broken and bleeding, not because I was having a mania. I am SO pissed off. I saw a therapist yesterday for the first time. She was shocked at all I told her and said that Will is a narcassitic sex addict and was just beside herself that I've dealt w/ him as long as I have. It's because I'm so co-dependent. She recommend I read the book "Co-Dependent No More" so now I'm on a hunt to find it. I really don't want to read it, I hate those kinds of books. Otherwise, I'm okay. I went out dancing on Friday night and then went to a movie w/ my girlfriends and then I actually went dancing ALONE. While I was there I started to talk to a friend of mine named Brian. He's very handsome, I've always had a slight crush on him. He's 45, his kids are grown and married. We talked for a very long time about a lot of things. He told me the first time he met me he could see how valiant my spirit is and could see how hard the adversary tries to get me down. I was really surprised by that because I always just thought the stuff that happened to me in my life was because I am just a bad person. My marriage ended because I'm a bad wife, my kids hate me because I'm a bad mom, I don't get along w/ my family because I'm a bad sister and a bad daughter. That sounds way more pathetic than I mean it to, but it truly is how I feel inside myself. I'm just tired of feeling like a worthless waste of space. He was really sweet to talk to, very insightful and spiritual. It'd be like kissing a teenager if I ever kissed him ... he's got braces :) Ah well, I'm in no position to even entertain the THOUGHT of having a relationship w/ someone right now... I have got to fix what's broken inside myself and repair some of the damage that's been done. Besides, he's worked so hard to get himself healthy and well ... I'm sure he wouldn't be the least bit interested in dealing w/ me and my crazy.

I'm sad that I'm not more upbeat, more support or more help to others right now. I'm doing the very best I can to remember to breathe and make my heart beat.