No, I'm Not.

I fell for Will's shit again :(

I told him, in an effort to elicit jealousy that I made out with someone else the other night. He then spent the entire evening putting his arms around me, trying to get me to kiss him. I kept turning my head and laughing him off. We sat down to watch a movie together with the kids and somehow, like always, I ended up lying on his leg (for a pillow). He rubbed my back, my arms, touched my face, my lips with his fingertips. He was so gentle and calming. When the movie got over the kids all went to bed and he was going to leave. He hugged me and tried to kiss me again and I kissed him back, just to kiss him goodnight.

I should have known better, but I just thought "I'll kiss him and show him that he's nothing" ... but it never works that way ... ever.

We ended up making out for a long time.

At one point, we had our foreheads together, and we were looking in each others eyes, he had his hand on my cheek and he said "I love you so much, I always have". I SOBBED.

For that moment I had my Will back.

He held me and cried with me and told me he never wants to hurt me again. Told me he loved me, called me Honey again (he hasn't actually addressed me as ANYTHING for a couple of years)...

We made out some more, and he left at about 1:30 to go "home" to his girlfriend whom he of course lied to and told that he fell asleep watching a movie with the kids.

On Wed I woke up feeling a bit confused ...

Was it just my imagination that we had that moment? Was it just my crazy hope that he'd felt it too? That passion he and I have always had together is still alive, but the connection was lost ... until that night.

I texted him about it and he responded and said "I felt it to but I don't know if we could ever have it again"

I don't know what I took that to mean.

I was suppose to go out tonight, but didn't because he was coming over ...

My stupid, stupid heart wanted to know ... I needed to know if it was there ... if we could feel it again. He hardly paid any attention to me ... Then at about 9 he said he had to go. I was disappointed because I wanted him to stay ... I wanted to see. He hugged me goodbye and it was back to hugging the stranger he'd become. I tried kissing him, and he kissed me back of course ... but he was gone. I said "You just simply don't love me anymore do you" and he said "No, I don't"

He did it because he was marking his territory.

I fell for it because I love him, I thought I loved him ... and he broke my f***ing heart wide open AGAIN.

I am so angry, and so hurt.

I am crushed.

Tomorrow is a new day. He has left for another 10 days. I will spend this 10 days in silence. I will not speak to or text him while he is gone unless there is an emergency with the kids. I do not foresee him calling me for any reason so this will be easy. By the end of the 10 days I will have regained my composure, my strength and my conviction that he will NEVER get near me, or my heart again.

I am sitting here sobbing uncontrollably. Why? It isn't because I'm surprised. I KNEW as soon as I told him that I'd made out with someone else he'd react just exactly like he did. What was the game I was trying to play? What was the outcome I'd hoped to gain? I guess if I think about it enough, I got exactly the outcome I'd hoped for. He was jealous. But he was jealous not because he loves me, but because if I stop caring about him he loses control. I am crying that I was so foolish as to trust "I love you" in that moment... to have ever trusted it at all. I seriously fear that if anyone ever utters those words to me again it will be the end of our relationship. Those words are poison and cause nothing but pain. I am crying that allowed myself to taste the bitterness of Hope. I am crying that betrayed my own strength, my own convictions.

Will is a toxic human being. At least he is toxic to ME. Why, even in my moment of loneliness when TWO different men who I had interest in expressed to me their interest in my friends, did I turn to WILL? Why when this man has made me miserable for as many years as I can recall did I expect a different outcome? What would have happened if he HAD felt it? If he HAD wanted to try to find it again? Really? Am I willing to take the risk? Am I willing to succumb to being with a man who makes me unhappy, makes me second guess everything I do, who does not know how to say "Great Job!" or support me without placing doubt in my head at what I am doing ... Am I willing to settle for a man who has kept me ONLY as his Back Up plan for as many years as he's been/made me miserable?

No. I'm not.