Truth

The Truth is... very difficult to say out loud.  I fear judgement & ridicule.

Here's what I am willing to say right now;  I am afraid of success with this lifestyle change.  I am afraid that I will find "one-derland" only for the weight to creep back on.  I am afraid to lose the weight because of all of my excess skin that has stretched out to accommodate the fat.  I am afraid that if I am successful and I do lose the weight that I will still find myself repugnant and repulsive.  I am afraid that I will lose the weight and my husband will no longer find me attractive.  He told me once (and I am sure I'll be in trouble for saying this on the internet), that he likes my large round bottom. He likes that there is something to hold onto.  I am afraid that if I lose the weight he won't want to anymore.  I am afraid that I will never actually find success on this lifestyle change no matter how hard I try.  I am afraid that I will never find the strength mentally, or physically (especially physically) to be able to exercise without pain (and not the good kind of pain).  I secretly feel like I am in a competition with my ex-husbands wife because she is so incredibly motivated and so hugely successful and I feel like such a failure & I don't want her to think I am just the fat, lazy person who her husband left.  I feel like I am in competition with my husbands ex-wife because I want to be prettier, thinner, better than her (which at this point given her behavior I am afraid is not difficult to do).  I am trying to get my head around a lifestyle change to lose weight that doesn't include pregnancy.  I lost so much weight when I was pregnant it was easy.  After my 1st pregnancy I got into a size 12 dress.  I was as thin as I was in high school.  I am afraid that this will take more of me than there is to give.  I am afraid that if I do finally get to where I want to be that I will still never look like I want to. I'm afraid to admit that I am the one that did this but that I am unable to undo it.

The truth is that I am morbidly obese.  I have tried everything I could think of to lose the weight.  I've joined gym's, had personal trainers, tried protein shakes, slim fast, no fat, veggie, only fruit, only grapefruit diets, I've tried a diet that consisted of eating only rice.  I've tried HCG.  I've tried Weight Watchers, I've tried Curves. I've tried Hoodia, Ali, Phen/Fen, the over the counter version of phen/fen that started with an S I can't for the life of me remember.  I've tried books. I've tried working out with my sister, having her give me a work out regiment that I followed but never lost. I've tried biking, walking, swimming, working out at the gym at the apartments where I lived.  I've tried video's, Wii fit, walking my kids to school and home.  I've tried biking to the grocery store.  I've tried infomercial promises like 6 week body make over.  I've spent thousands and thousands of dollars trying to lose this weight. Only for the scale to fall slightly and then creep higher. 

 The truth is ... I'm not ready to tell the entire truth out loud yet.