Here's the thing, I'm not "dieting". I am/was working on changing my lifestyle. The reason I was working on changing my lifestyle is because I am hoping in a few months to be having weight loss surgery. So, truth's out.
That is the secret that I've been choking on all of this time. I have been afraid to say it out loud for fear of judgement. For fear of being called weak, or a quitter. For fear of being judged. For fear of being called lazy or being told I am taking the "easy" way out. But, tonight ... I don't care about fear I care about being called a hypocrite, so there ya have it.
I have tried so many things to lose weight. Spent so much money, so much energy, so much time. The only really successful weight loss program I found was pregnancy. I am not jumping into anything lightly. Having my guts rearranged is not something I am doing just because I am "lazy" which I *KNOW* I'm going to be called. Right now, it hurts too much to exercise. We try a workout plan with the kids but my knees swell and are excruciating for days afterward. My back makes it so I can't sit or stand comfortably and we won't even talk about how awful the pain is in my hips and my sciatica. These are not excuses, these are my reality. When I do push ups, my feel like my wrists are going to break. I haven't found a way to do them that doesn't kill my wrists. I am working on it, daily I am working on it.
But, back to the hypocrisy. Part of why I am not changing up my lifestyle completely and immediately is because soon I am going to be giving up EVERYTHING. So I need to take my transition slowly. I am afraid if I just cut myself off entirely that I will backslide when it is dangerous to do so.
So I am not trying to be a hypocrite, I am trying to help. I am trying to offer guidance for what worked for me, helped me ... trying to be a support, an accountability partner. Never a hypocrite.
Here is the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life. Let me show you why I am going in for weight loss surgery ... Let me assure you, next to actually telling my secret, this is the most difficult thing I have ever done:
Here's the thing about these pictures. I've been considering them since my Sweetheart took them and since I posted them ... I had absolutely NO idea I looked like this. When I look at myself in the mirror, I am NOT this big. I am not this FAT. I had no idea.
Someone I know is an inspiring individual who has lost huge amounts of weight the hard way. She's worked her butt off eating right, working out etc... But I noticed an up and down trend with her, she takes it off and puts it back on and takes it back off again. I don't want that. I do not want that roller coaster life. She is an amazing self motivator and can keep herself on track and if/when the pounds creep back on, she has the fortitude and push to take it back off ... I don't. I got down to 198 a couple of years ago, but over the last few years have gained it all back plus some ... and I can't go through what it took to lose it all again. I do not want to spend my life focused on weight loss. I do not want to spend my life counting calories and being miserable in my own skin. So, there ya have it.
Here I am ... completely raw.