Raw

A few days ago my husband was reading my blog, reading the conversations between a friend of mine during which I was trying my hardest to help her and motivate her.  He called me a hypocrite.  I am not "practicing what I preach".  Which isn't entirely true, or untrue. 

Here's the thing, I'm not "dieting". I am/was working on changing my lifestyle.  The reason I was working on changing my lifestyle is because I am hoping in a few months to be having weight loss surgery.  So, truth's out. 

That is the secret that I've been choking on all of this time.  I have been afraid to say it out loud for fear of judgement.  For fear of being called weak, or a quitter.  For fear of being judged.  For fear of being called lazy or being told I am taking the "easy" way out.  But, tonight ... I don't care about fear I care about being called a hypocrite, so there ya have it.

I have tried so many things to lose weight.  Spent so much money, so much energy, so much time.  The only really successful weight loss program I found was pregnancy.  I am not jumping into anything lightly.  Having my guts rearranged is not something I am doing just because I am "lazy" which I *KNOW* I'm going to be called.  Right now, it hurts too much to exercise.  We try a workout plan with the kids but my knees swell and are excruciating for days afterward.  My back makes it so I can't sit or stand comfortably and we won't even talk about how awful the pain is in my hips and my sciatica.  These are not excuses, these are my reality.  When I do push ups, my feel like my wrists are going to break.  I haven't found a way to do them that doesn't kill my wrists.  I am working on it, daily I am working on it. 

But, back to the hypocrisy.  Part of why I am not changing up my lifestyle completely and immediately is because soon I am going to be giving up EVERYTHING.  So I need to take my transition slowly.  I am afraid if I just cut myself off entirely that I will backslide when it is dangerous to do so.

So I am not trying to be a hypocrite, I am trying to help. I am trying to offer guidance for what worked for me, helped me ... trying to be a support, an accountability partner.  Never a hypocrite. 

Here is the most difficult thing I will ever do in my life.  Let me show you why I am going in for weight loss surgery ... Let me assure you, next to actually telling my secret, this is the most difficult thing I have ever done:

 

 

 

 

 The purpose of the bottom picture is twofold:  One, these boots are specially made for large women with extra elastic in the tops, I cannot zip them up.  Two, I love these boots and one of my goals is to wear them comfortably and be able to zip them up.

Here's the thing about these pictures. I've been considering them since my Sweetheart took them and since I posted them ... I had absolutely NO idea I looked like this.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I am NOT this big.  I am not this FAT.  I had no idea. 

Someone I know is an inspiring individual who has lost huge amounts of weight the hard way. She's worked her butt off eating right, working out etc... But I noticed an up and down trend with her, she takes it off and puts it back on and takes it back off again.  I don't want that.  I do not want that roller coaster life.  She is an amazing self motivator and can keep herself on track and if/when the pounds creep back on, she has the fortitude and push to take it back off ... I don't.  I got down to 198 a couple of years ago, but over the last few years have gained it all back plus some ... and I can't go through what it took to lose it all again.  I do not want to spend my life focused on weight loss.  I do not want to spend my life counting calories and being miserable in my own skin.  So, there ya have it. 

Here I am ... completely raw.