Stripped

Will,

"I just saw Haley's comet, she waved said "Why you always running in place? Even the man in the moon disappears somewhere in the stratosphere." ..."I'm not afraid of what I have to say, this is my one and only voice so listen close, it's only for today"

I figured this would be easier than a text, or a phone call or whatever. It's generally easier for me to be honest about my feelings when I write them than when I try to speak them out loud.

I've been trying so hard to convince myself that I don't hate you, that I am not angry with you. I figured out why that is. It's because I have SO many things to hate you for, to be angry about that I cannot pick just one ... so I don't pick any. But I decided I don't care, I'm not even angry... I'm simply indifferent to you. The opposite of love is not hate William, it's indifference. The indifference of whether a person lives or dies, comes or goes.

I have been stripped and I stand here completely naked, just a skeleton of a person. You stripped me, piece by piece until I stand here this way. You stripped me of my self respect as a person by being angry with me for something that was out of my control: My illness. I didn't choose to be sick, I didn't choose this!! I hate every moment of everyday that I am imbalanced. I tried so hard to please you in every way, everyday I did the best I could, I still do. I went to bed so many nights and cried feeling like such an utter failure as a wife, as a mother. You KNEW something was wrong but instead of helping me you judged me, you resented me, you withdrew from me leaving me entirely abandoned and alone feeling like I was so unlovable that even the man who promised his eternity to me couldn't love me. You stripped me of my ability to trust. I was talking to the Bishop a couple of weeks ago to ask for a blessing and it actually made my stomach hurt because I was even afraid to trust GOD. I can't even pray because I can't trust that He'll listen to me. Nothing anyone says is true anymore; not Mandi, she says she's my friend but I don't trust it and am finding ways to poke holes in it; Mo, says that he loves me and will stand by my side and even though he's proven that again and again, I still don't trust it and am skeptical. If the man who not only swore to me, but also swore to God that he would be faithful, truthful, honorable blatantly lied then everyone else is too. You've stripped me of my family, your family. You knew I wanted to go to that funeral and you said "You could have gone if you wanted to" Yes, I could have invited myself, forced myself into your family affair, uncomfortably imposed but not as a member of the family. You've stripped me of my Eternity, my future. I stand here utterly lost because the future that you promised me, COVENENTED with me that WE would have you stripped away. Now I have no idea where to go, what to do, where to turn. There is no future now, everywhere I walk is the past. So I cling to the future you promised, hoping somehow I'll get it back; I know now I won't ... EVER. You stripped me of my dignity and my worthiness. You laid with those women, Angelisa, Liz, Vanessa and some random girl named Ricki.. I wonder about Dora too. You laid with them and then laid with me. You KNEW I was trying so hard yet you took advantage of my weaknesses, of my love and devotion to you. Even when I DID tell you I couldn't, you still played me, played my weaknesses and my physical need for you; knowing my need to be LOVED and wanted was your weapon to get me to fall. You stripped me of my strength to be a person, my person, ME. I became "Will's Kim" "My wife" "Will's wife" ... my life was centered on YOU. You would give me just enough to keep me wanting more so I wouldn't leave you. Now I cling to my phone just WAITING for you to text me, or call me of your own accord only to be met with excuses when I say anything. "I'm just busy" ... yet you text Ricki and Shawna constantly all throughout your busy days. You stripped me of my innocence and my naive belief that true love does exist and eternal marriages do last. You stripped me of my belief I could be loved. Over and over and over you said "I love you, just not like that" " I am just not in love with you anymore" "I will not do anything to change for you, you're not worth it" (Not your words, of course, but they might as well have been). You stripped me of laughter and joy. We used to laugh, God I miss your laugh. Life became all about money, bills, stress. No faith in the fact that we'd be okay as long as we had each other, as long as we were whole. I was afraid to play because you were never in the mood. The ONE time I tried most recently you compared me to Vanessa and told me how annoying it was. Now I live my life in fear, and stress that you're not going to have enough to pay me the CS and my rent isn't going to get paid. I stress about gas money because as soon as you do give me the monthly payment, the money is immediately gone to my bills. I want to be home to take care of the kids, but now I have to stress about getting a job, finding someone to watch the kids while I'm gone, going to school. There is no joy in my life anymore except the rare moments when the kids actually love me. You've stripped me of my ability to trust my own instinct, my own emotions and my honesty. You've held me as an emotional hostage for our ENTIRE MARRIAGE, left me in fear of saying exactly how I felt for fear that it would set you off, send you running out of the house with the gun. Leaving me in fear that you were going to take your own life. I remember when we lived in our very first apartment, we'd been married less than 6 months because I was still pregnant with Jade, I said something random I don't even remember what and I remember you getting SO upset and laying on the couch in the living room SOBBING and talking about how you would be better of dead, how I would be and Jade would be better of without you. I laid down on the floor beside you ... just like I've done COUNTLESS times since then. Afraid to say what I felt because you'd turn it around on me, put words in my mouth, make me sorry I spoke up. You stripped me of my ability to forgive. I forgave you, and forgave you and forgave you and you took advantage of it. You said you were sorry, but did it again. You promised you'd never cheat on me again and you did. I forgave it ALL and you just walked all over it. You stripped me of my memories. My good memories are gone now, tainted. The memory of walking down the isle to Pachelbel's Canon, a song I used to love but now drives me to tears. Chris LeDoux's "Look at you girl" ... our first dance makes my stomach hurt. Christmas will always be the day my marriage ended. You stripped me of myself. The things that would have made me happy I gave up to make sure you were taken care of. I put aside my own wants, and needs to make sure that your every whim was met. I'd stay home JUST to be with you, to savor the FEW moments I had and you'd just brush me off, or leave since I was there to be with the kids. I'd stand back after doing everything I could to please you, just like a loyal dog waiting for my pat on the head and it rarely ever came ... Mostly I was met with annoyance, sometimes even anger. I never got my pat on the head. You stripped me of the promises you made. Even the stupid ones: You promised to take me hunting... something I looked SOOO forward to!! You have stripped me of my ability to even feel anymore. I feel nothing anymore. And now ... as of about 4 hours ago you have stripped me of my very best friend in the world. How many times have I TRIED to confide in you, TRIED to share with you the pain in my heart so that I can understand it, come to grips with it, get my head around it. I have tried to be your friend SO many times ... even to the point of befriending Vanessa to make it easier on YOU. I ask about your women, your life, your work because I want you to know that you have SOMEONE to talk to. I figured out why I had an issue with Ricki and I turned to my best friend and instead of reassuring me you just blew me off like what I felt was unimportant and you have ALWAYS done it. Instead of hearing me, acknowledging the feelings I am having ... my fear of having to combat "Ricki, Vanessa, whoever is this and that and the other" when I already feel like such a failure as a mother hearing so many times a day that they hate me that I lose count. Instead of respecting that and helping me to deal with it, you just dismissed it like I was being irrational. Just like my fears about Liz when I found those emails. I told you how I felt and you turned it around until I felt SOOOO guilty about how I felt that I actually BEGGED you to call her and apologize for me. I don't have anyone anymore. I've been completely abandoned. You say that you are here ... and you are, for the kids. I'm just an extra piece of baggage that you have to deal with when you come over.
I am a skeleton now. With only 3 things to live for, the most important things in the entire world. The sun rises and sets on them, even though they hate me. I would crawl through the deepest recesses of hell, and sometimes I actually feel like I already have, for them.

William, I don't care what you do anymore. If you want to drink, drink. If you want to sleep with random strange girls who you find in bars, you do that, enjoy. If you want to introduce the kids to all of the random women that you meet before you're even truly committed to them, it's out of my control. If you want to compromise YOUR standards, that's unfortunate. If you want to run into the mountains and shoot yourself, then I am SO sorry for you. Sorry that you felt that was your only option, but I won't ever chase you again. You broke me Will. You broke MY will. You broke me down to the point where I am not even sure I am going to be able to put me all back together. I'm battered, bleeding and broken and I have reached out to you time and time again begging you to help me, help me stand back up, just stand by me and wipe the tears away ... I begged you EVERYNIGHT this last week to come and hold me, I was sick, I was tired, overwhelmed and I needed SOMEONE. Ricki had ONE bad day and you ran to her aid to make her smile and cursed yourself for failing. I had 3 sick children, in addition to myself for an entire week BY MYSELF, not even my own mother would come ... I went for 48 hours with no more than about 4 hours of intermittent sleep and you couldn't even call to see how I was, let alone answer my pleas to come and rescue me from my loneliness for ONE NIGHT. You went out bought Popsicles, medicine and all kinds of other things for your girlfriend, how many Popsicles did you buy for the kids, what medicine did you buy for the kids? You came over on Tuesday night because I begged you to to stay with the kids so that I could go to the store. I am sitting here wondering if you're even going to read this, if you even care while you do, if you'll reply. I thought I'd cry ... I really did. I did as I sat down and started thinking of the lyrics to that song but then I processed them "Why you always running in place..." Why AM I always running in place? Doing the same thing over and over... even today, knowing you'd been with her, probably last night I still allowed myself to be intimate with you. I thought I'd cry for all of the things I've lost ... especially you, my heart; My best friend, my confidant, my soul mate ... But I'm not, I'm just shrugging because I can't even care anymore. I fought so hard for you, I fought physically with Ann for you, I fought myself, my conscience and the Spirit for you. I fought everything for you, and I could never win because you just simply didn't care.

"Sometimes goodbye is a second chance" I've said goodbye to you before, time and again... hoping I'd actually mean it, but I never did until now. Goodbye William, my love, my Honey. Goodbye to our future, our friendship and companionship. I truly wish you well in your life.

I do not want you to understand my goodbye to our friendship to mean that we cannot be friendly to one another because I truly hope more than anything that we can, especially for the kids. But the days of us discussing our lives, rather your life, are over. If you need me, I'll do what I can for you, always, you know that. But I will not go out of my way for you anymore, I will not sacrifice myself for you again.

I'll forever be grateful for the time we had together. For the love I felt for you because I would much rather of had that love for a time than to never have loved you at all.

X

Anniversary

Tomorrow, the 24th, will mark the 6th month anniversary of our divorce. August 24th will mark month 8 as well as the eve of what would have been our 9th wedding anniversary.

I wish I could talk to you. Tell you the things in my head, in my heart. I guess it's safe here, you can delete it and pretend you never read it.

I keep remembering so many things. I remember the first time I saw you on the mission. We were outside the Chinese Buffet after Christmas Conference. Tiger was going home and I wanted a hug goodbye ... never was one for the rules was I? I thought you were good looking but looked too old to be a missionary. I remember sitting in the car with you and Hales talking about so many things, seeing you in the rear view mirror. I remember making up excuses to call just to chat. I remember wanting to see you so badly before I left the field but we could never make it work. I went home the day after your 21st birthday. I remember dragging you to the temple with me in January. I remember sitting in the Celestial Room with you in your funny hat... and I remember looking at you and suddenly my black and white world was full of color. My heart that was so still suddenly beat and my lungs which had never tasted air finally took a deep breath. It was like I was finally alive. I was flooded in that moment with my lifetimes worth of love I had for you. I realized right then and there that I'd loved you and been in love with you all that time but I was just then feeling it. It was amazing, and scary. I remember the first time you kissed me, I felt it to my bones. It was the most sensual and delicious kiss I'd ever had. I still feel the same way when I kiss you. I remember sitting in Sconecutter and I wanted so badly to tell you I loved you but wanted you to say it first. You knew I had something to say and said "just say it" so I said "I love you William Safford" It was so important to me to use your name, so you knew that I wasn't just in love with Saff ... this was bigger than the mission. I remember your eyes, your beautiful, deep brown, gorgeous eyes and your smile and you said "I love you too". I remember the first time we had sex. What a ridiculous moment that was! :) I remember the second time after snow shoeing. It was still daylight, you could see my ugly body and you didn't care. It felt amazing to be that close to you, to feel you in me. I still feel that way when we make love, only stronger. I remember becoming your wife, the look on your face, the light in your eyes. I miss it. So many things I remember that I've lost forever now.

I wish, everyday, that we would have talked during our marriage. That when you told me your concerns, your stresses, that I would have heard you. I wish I could have done better. I wish that you could understand the way I was feeling inside then. I felt abandoned. I felt like you just abandoned me. I felt overwhelmed with everything, which I know now is a combination of the imbalance and my general personality. I felt totally unloved. I felt like all you wanted me for was sex because you wouldn't kiss me, you would just grab my boobs or my crotch. That is why I wouldn't let you touch me, because I felt like all you wanted me for was the sex, that we weren't making love. It seems so ridiculous now how we were both feeling and how with some better communication (and medication) we could have fixed it. I spent a great deal of our marriage angry at you. It's funny, now, that the night before you told me about Ann, Brylin woke up crying (like always). You got so mad and yelled at her for crying and I remember lying in bed mad that you'd yelled at her and I said to myself "somethings gotta give or this marriage is over". I wish we would have gone to counseling. I want you to know I'm not angry anymore. I know it doesn't matter now, but I wanted you to know.

Baby I want you to know more than anything in this world that I have always loved you to the marrow in my bones. Since you've been gone I can't breathe anymore, and the world is looking a little grey. It'll be okay, I will get used it. Above the drinking, above just about everything, I wanted you back. If you would have said the words "I want you back" I would have overlooked it all. I tried so many times to get you to say those words but you never would. You always protested. It's probably just as well I suppose but I wish you would have. I ALWAYS wanted you regardless of your choices. You're right though, I'd end up on your case about the alcohol and the thing with Ricki would never go away. It's hard to know that I'm not as good, I don't have as much experience as these other girls. I'd feel self-conscious like I already do.

Thank you Honey, for everything. For letting me fall in love with you while you were wearing your funny temple hat. Thank you for the memories of snow shoeing, the first time we held hands, our first kiss, Martina McBride, Papa Murphy's and Notting Hill.

I ALWAYS WANTED YOU, always.
Me

Declaration

I declare:

I will not go out with a man who hasn't asked me out first.
I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.
I will not date a man who isn't sure he wants to date me.
I will not date a man who makes me feel undesirable.
I will not go out with a man who drinks, smokes or does drugs.
I will not go out with a man who is afraid to talk about our future.
I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me once. No more second chances.
I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.
I will not date a man who cannot take me to the temple.
I will never be with a man who swears at or calls me names.
I will not be with a man who would rather be with his buddies than with me.

Oddly, I realized not long after coming up with this list that Will has done EVERY SINGLE one of these things. Wow, I wasted a lot of my time.

Stalker

I read a book recommended by a good friend called "He's just not that into you". Good book. A little blan, I skimmed a lot of it, a lot of it didn't apply or was difficult to apply because the guy who is "just not that into me" and I have kids together so the option of just never speaking to him again is out. Also, as far as I am concerned is the option of creating a "business" relationship with him. But it was interesting none the less. I realized through reading this book that my boy Joe, that I've been waiting 6 months to see again is just not that into me. If he were, he'd of found a way to find me, gone to every dance, talked to everyone I knew. Much in the same way I cyber-stalked him trying to find his number. My boy Brandon, that works at Maverik that I flirted so heavily with is just not that into me. I gave him MY number on a napkin and said "text me sometime when you're bored". Never heard from him. Went in another time and saw him (I planned my visits when he was there, yes, I'm a stalker) and asked him how he was and he said "SO hungover!" Oh, so he's a drinker, great. Saw him a couple of weeks later outside smoking ... great. So not only is he not that into me, but I had to throw the brakes on that one!! I'm tired of wasting my time. I won't do it again. If they want me ... they better get in motion and come get me.