Flexible

Women are ANGELS and when someone breaks their wings they simply continue to fly on a broomstick cause they're flexible like that. ;)

Plan B?

Still on the hamster wheel most of the time. I'm sick of being dizzy; sick of the constant motion. I'm ready to get off. It's time.

Went to therapy again last night, seemed like a waste of time really ... she went into the most typical "What was your relationship with your parents like" mode of thinking and now I'm co-dependant on Will because of the relationship w/ my dad. Kind of bums me out, I was hoping she'd be more insightful. However, I suppose if I am not really enjoying it, it must be good for me. Kind of like exercise. Been a good couple of weeks, mostly. Cried everyday, but have been able to shake it off for the most part. I have such a long, long road ahead of me and I haven't even stopped to tie my shoes yet. Will I ever be healthy? Will I ever be able to let go of the promises and the dreams that were broken and lost?

After my therapy appt, I went out to karaoke w/ some friends. Not sure I'm going to go again. I didn't know a lot of them; most of the men spent their time hanging all over my friend Cammie. Get pretty sick of that. It's really hard to be invisible, which I am at a good portion of these functions, and sometimes even at my own house. I did look cute though, had a good hair night and had my contacts in for the first time in a couple of years :)

Everything is great. But... A couple of weeks ago at a dance I spoke to a very wonderful and insightful man named Brian. I sure like him. Anyway, I said something about my kids being the very, very best thing I have ever done ... the most perfect wonderful thing I have ever done ... but ... He said that I wasn't allowed to say the word "but". He said it's an eraser word. Had me repeat the sentence again w/o tacking the "but" on the end. It felt good to say it w/o negating how wonderful they truly are by saying that I'm going to screw them up, that I AM screwing them up. He also told me that I have permission to say "No". Simply, completely and without a reason. "Will you" "No." It's a sentence and that's it. No, I won't. Now I just need to use it. Sure wish I knew how.

Working on it.

Just thinking about things that make me happy at the moment:
1. I got new contacts yesterday.
2. I got a new camera yesterday!
3. I got a new IPOD Nano Today.
4. I like getting texts from Brian even though he rarely texts.
5. I love getting emails from Brent telling how he is. I wish he'd find a boyfriend, he so deserves it.
6. Being able to talk about marinading a turkey on FB makes me happy.
7. Still: My polka-dotted yellow bra. Just love that thing!
8. My slippers and my smiley face jammie bottoms and of course my fleece zebra jammies!
9. When my kids get along.
10. That my car is clean and shiny and I got new seat covers and a steering wheel cover.
11. My ferrets, as always. It makes me smile when Ari puffs up every time she gets out of the cage and how Asher attacks anything that moves and how Kodiak speed bumps in the middle of the floor and how Ice steals anything he can get into his mouth and how Aspen is just Aspen. I love them and they make me smile, TONS.
12. My kids. How Brylin will yell like the house is on fire "MOM!" and when I say "What?" she says "I LOVE YOU!" How Kydrun always comes in for no reason to lay his head on my shoulder and give me a kiss. How Jade tells me things I don't know and I find out she made them up, i.e. One of her spelling words was "Glowworm". Kydrun asked what a glowworm was and I said "I don't know" and Jade said "It's the larva of a lightening bug" very matter-of-factly. I really thought she was serious. I was shocked "Really? That's cool" and she said "Oh, I don't know, it just sounded good". :)
13. My friends. Cammy sends me an affirmation by text every morning that says: "You are a capable, confident, powerful single mother. There's nothing you can't accomplish. ;)" Kari sends me one that says "I CHOOSE not to get emotionally involved!" Brian sends me :) at the end of every conversation, that's how I know it's over. Every time I post something on my FB status my friends support, laugh, encourage. I am such a blessed person. Sarah said she'd follow up w/ me (just like a Sister Missionary!) to check on my prayers. I'm not doing so well, but her encouragement helps!

I have very little in my life to be unhappy about really. The only thing I'm unhappy about when I stop to think about it is something that I should be happy about: My relationship with William is over. I'm not really "sad" per se about our "relationship" being over. I think I'm grieving that the man I married no longer exists and the man that's now in his place is a real ass. I'm grieving the promises and covenants he made. I'm grieving the future that he promised and that I dreamed of. I'm not really grieving HIM, as he is now. My therapist lady told me at my first visit with her that "You have a Plan A and that's it. No Plan B or Plan C, just a Plan A. Well, Plan A isn't working out, and without a Plan B you're panicking trying to hang on to and make Plan A work. Well Kimberly, Plan A is over, it failed. It's time to come up with a Plan B". Wise words, I need a Plan B, and a Plan C just in case.

After Awhile

After Awhile
(alternate title - Comes the Dawn)

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between ... See More
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Richard G. Scott

"As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions to the challenges of life you would not obtain otherwise. No matter how strong your faith is, God will not always reward you immediately according to your desires. Rather He will respond with what in His eternal plan is best for you." Richard G. Scott

Stretching

So on April 10th I'm FLYING, something I've done only 4 times in my whole life, to San Diego to go on a CRUISE to Cabo San Lucas Mexico. I've never seen the ocean, or been on a boat. Honestly, I'm terrified of the water... should be fun! I've also never been anywhere out of Utah except the states immediately surrounding me (Idaho, Colorado, Montana, Nevada, California and drove through the corner of Arizona once, for 15 minutes) and of course Ohio. So I'm excited about that ... THEN, when we get back to San Diego on the 15th, I am going to FLY out of San Diego and fly to Atlanta, Georgia where my best friend from my youth will be picking me up and driving me to South Carolina! I'll stay in South Carolina Thursday night and on Friday afternoon we're going to drive back to Georgia for some sort of Woman's Empowerment conference that goes Friday night and Saturday morning. Then back to South Carolina or somewhere! And then I'll fly back to Salt Lake on Sunday evening. I am SOOOOOOOO excited and SOOOOOOO nervous!! I am going to pay for it all (the cruise is already paid for) w/ my tax returns and I figured it's MY turn ... I DESERVE it, I get it and no one is going to say anything about it. I lied to Will about it though, told him my friend is paying the airfare. :)

Email

A portion of an email Brent sent me recently: "You suffered for so long and endured so much pain. Healing will come, quietly and softly, as you continue to move forward and progress. The Spirit moves with a still, small voice and a gentle touch. So slight that you might not even feel it sometimes and might doubt it's there. But it is there, Heavenly Father doesn't abandon the sick, the mourning, the afflicted, and the Holy Spirit is never not keeping a hand in your life."

Thank you my wonderful Friend... I love you!!

Another Day

I'm doing better today. I am still very low in the depression although the tears have stopped. I've reached a point at which I have totally realized that I hate Will and that I am just so afraid to be alone, am so co-dependent and am just in the habit of wanting him that that's what I fight for. I DON'T want him. He makes me miserable and angry.

I was on my way out the other night, to go see a movie with some girlfriends and his mom called me. She had just come home from the care center and was still really weak. She had wet in her "brief" (which is the kind way of saying adult diaper) and it had leaked all over her and her chair. So she was sitting helplessly in her own urine unable to muster the strength to stand. I was on my way to meet people, I couldn't go. None of his sisters was available to go ... one of his sisters had just left after being there for two day. The other ex-daughter-in-law wasn't available either. I felt HORRIBLE that I couldn't go. Where was Will that he couldn't go help his mother? At the bar with his girlfriend. I went over to help his mother today. I had to help her off the toilet, wipe her urine up off the floor. Give her a bed bath. Make her breakfast, change her diaper. And where was he? He went out to breakfast w/ his buddy. I STILL haven't eaten.

He told his new whore that I am bipolar. I am SO angry I could hit him. That was NONE of her business. It was not HIS to tell her as an excuse for my behavior. The bad choices I've made were because my HEART was broken and bleeding, not because I was having a mania. I am SO pissed off. I saw a therapist yesterday for the first time. She was shocked at all I told her and said that Will is a narcassitic sex addict and was just beside herself that I've dealt w/ him as long as I have. It's because I'm so co-dependent. She recommend I read the book "Co-Dependent No More" so now I'm on a hunt to find it. I really don't want to read it, I hate those kinds of books. Otherwise, I'm okay. I went out dancing on Friday night and then went to a movie w/ my girlfriends and then I actually went dancing ALONE. While I was there I started to talk to a friend of mine named Brian. He's very handsome, I've always had a slight crush on him. He's 45, his kids are grown and married. We talked for a very long time about a lot of things. He told me the first time he met me he could see how valiant my spirit is and could see how hard the adversary tries to get me down. I was really surprised by that because I always just thought the stuff that happened to me in my life was because I am just a bad person. My marriage ended because I'm a bad wife, my kids hate me because I'm a bad mom, I don't get along w/ my family because I'm a bad sister and a bad daughter. That sounds way more pathetic than I mean it to, but it truly is how I feel inside myself. I'm just tired of feeling like a worthless waste of space. He was really sweet to talk to, very insightful and spiritual. It'd be like kissing a teenager if I ever kissed him ... he's got braces :) Ah well, I'm in no position to even entertain the THOUGHT of having a relationship w/ someone right now... I have got to fix what's broken inside myself and repair some of the damage that's been done. Besides, he's worked so hard to get himself healthy and well ... I'm sure he wouldn't be the least bit interested in dealing w/ me and my crazy.

I'm sad that I'm not more upbeat, more support or more help to others right now. I'm doing the very best I can to remember to breathe and make my heart beat.