Stronger Woman

Oh Ladies!! I really hope you ALL find the Stronger Women in YOU!! This is my new theme song!

Jewel - Stronger Woman

Motivating

Nancy W: "Part of being a successful person is remembering others and how everyone may thrive from your actions and ideas. True happiness and self-satisfaction are not measured by material possessions. It is rather the way you influence others and how you develop from your past experiences, which makes your life significant."

I LOVE THIS!! Since I've been on this journey of self the most motivating thing for me has been motivating others. It's been so fun to see the fire get lit inside my friends who have similar goals to mine! I LOVE IT!

Sour Milk

Tomorrow

So thankful for tomorrow because it means that today is over. Thankful for tomorrow because it means I can refresh my convictions, start over my processes and repair, once again, the tears in my heart. Thankful for tomorrow because it's a new day, to continue to become a new me. So thankful for tomorrow because it is one day closer to my future and one day farther away from my past.

'Rap'

Click here to watch Give your life to God while there's still time

"To be a 'Survivor' in this 'Amazing Race'
with a 'Need for Speed' you need God's grace
And if you're 'Desperate like Housewives'
Watching 'Days of Our Lives'
You can't cope without hope
and that's not on a soap!
If you look into 'Oprah' or 'Dr. Phil'
You can shop nonstop or pop a pill
But the void won't fill and the pain won't kill
Till you love the One that hung on the hill.
Kicking back in your 'Lazy Boy' easy chair
Watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
Nah, you're not gonna find it there!
No 'American Idol' or 'Council Tribal'
has a 'Final Answer' that'll satisfy ya.
'CSI' ain't got a clue,
'SVU' don't know what to do,
Not the 'ER' or the 'OC'
Nothing on a CD, TV, DVD or MP3
can save You and Me.
'CNN's' got no good news
here's a headline "YOU must choose"
'It's Not A Simple Life' Paris Hilton
It's treadin' on thin ice living in sin
You can be an 'Apprentice' for Donald Trump
Or eat 'Fear Factor' fast food from a dump
You could be a 'Heavy Hitter'
or 'Wheel of Fortune' winner
A 'Fox News' no spin spinner
Or a flat out sinner
But you better check this life that you're livin'
and make sure that your sins are forgiven.
I bet you '50 cent'
'Elvis' done came and went
And eventually every 'Black Eyed Pea'
'Gwen Steffani' 'P-Ditty' and 'Brittany'
Every wanna-be on 'MTV'
with their icy "bling"
Every 'Dixie Chick' that sings
They ALL gonna see the King of Kings!
I don't care if you're 'J-Lo'
or 'Leno' or 'Bono'
One thing you gotta know is
Someday you're gonna die bro.
Then where ya gonna go?
Hey, I'm not talking some punk junk
that's irrelivant
like your grandma's church from way back when
It's not some 'Preacher Feature' on 'TBN'
that you need to be liking or listening
The REAL superstar is Jesus Christ
He's the Way, He's the Truth and the Life
One day he's going to split the sky
He's the brightest light and the Highest High
So what I came to say and what I'm tellin ya
is don't buy that stupid stuff they be selling ya
it's all designed to fill your head
and waste your space until you're dead
Here's the bottom line of my rhyme,
Give Your Life To God While There's Still Time!

No, I'm Not.

I fell for Will's shit again :(

I told him, in an effort to elicit jealousy that I made out with someone else the other night. He then spent the entire evening putting his arms around me, trying to get me to kiss him. I kept turning my head and laughing him off. We sat down to watch a movie together with the kids and somehow, like always, I ended up lying on his leg (for a pillow). He rubbed my back, my arms, touched my face, my lips with his fingertips. He was so gentle and calming. When the movie got over the kids all went to bed and he was going to leave. He hugged me and tried to kiss me again and I kissed him back, just to kiss him goodnight.

I should have known better, but I just thought "I'll kiss him and show him that he's nothing" ... but it never works that way ... ever.

We ended up making out for a long time.

At one point, we had our foreheads together, and we were looking in each others eyes, he had his hand on my cheek and he said "I love you so much, I always have". I SOBBED.

For that moment I had my Will back.

He held me and cried with me and told me he never wants to hurt me again. Told me he loved me, called me Honey again (he hasn't actually addressed me as ANYTHING for a couple of years)...

We made out some more, and he left at about 1:30 to go "home" to his girlfriend whom he of course lied to and told that he fell asleep watching a movie with the kids.

On Wed I woke up feeling a bit confused ...

Was it just my imagination that we had that moment? Was it just my crazy hope that he'd felt it too? That passion he and I have always had together is still alive, but the connection was lost ... until that night.

I texted him about it and he responded and said "I felt it to but I don't know if we could ever have it again"

I don't know what I took that to mean.

I was suppose to go out tonight, but didn't because he was coming over ...

My stupid, stupid heart wanted to know ... I needed to know if it was there ... if we could feel it again. He hardly paid any attention to me ... Then at about 9 he said he had to go. I was disappointed because I wanted him to stay ... I wanted to see. He hugged me goodbye and it was back to hugging the stranger he'd become. I tried kissing him, and he kissed me back of course ... but he was gone. I said "You just simply don't love me anymore do you" and he said "No, I don't"

He did it because he was marking his territory.

I fell for it because I love him, I thought I loved him ... and he broke my f***ing heart wide open AGAIN.

I am so angry, and so hurt.

I am crushed.

Tomorrow is a new day. He has left for another 10 days. I will spend this 10 days in silence. I will not speak to or text him while he is gone unless there is an emergency with the kids. I do not foresee him calling me for any reason so this will be easy. By the end of the 10 days I will have regained my composure, my strength and my conviction that he will NEVER get near me, or my heart again.

I am sitting here sobbing uncontrollably. Why? It isn't because I'm surprised. I KNEW as soon as I told him that I'd made out with someone else he'd react just exactly like he did. What was the game I was trying to play? What was the outcome I'd hoped to gain? I guess if I think about it enough, I got exactly the outcome I'd hoped for. He was jealous. But he was jealous not because he loves me, but because if I stop caring about him he loses control. I am crying that I was so foolish as to trust "I love you" in that moment... to have ever trusted it at all. I seriously fear that if anyone ever utters those words to me again it will be the end of our relationship. Those words are poison and cause nothing but pain. I am crying that allowed myself to taste the bitterness of Hope. I am crying that betrayed my own strength, my own convictions.

Will is a toxic human being. At least he is toxic to ME. Why, even in my moment of loneliness when TWO different men who I had interest in expressed to me their interest in my friends, did I turn to WILL? Why when this man has made me miserable for as many years as I can recall did I expect a different outcome? What would have happened if he HAD felt it? If he HAD wanted to try to find it again? Really? Am I willing to take the risk? Am I willing to succumb to being with a man who makes me unhappy, makes me second guess everything I do, who does not know how to say "Great Job!" or support me without placing doubt in my head at what I am doing ... Am I willing to settle for a man who has kept me ONLY as his Back Up plan for as many years as he's been/made me miserable?

No. I'm not.

A Moment

For one brief moment our hearts touched. For one brief moment I saw you and I knew you saw me. For one brief moment my heart was whole. Then the moment passed, I took a deep breath and I thanked the Lord for that one brief moment to heal.

My Camper!

My stinky Camper is home where he belongs! I'm a complete Mamma again!

My Babies

The girls as sleeping so soundly in their beds and Kydrun his gone to camp. While I sit here and think of them I am in tears at the sheer magnitude of the love I feel for them. I am blessed beyond my worthiness to be their "Mamma" & pray that I can someday earn the love & forgiveness that they so easily give me.

I Love You Jadey Bug, Bubby Lou & Monkey Face. You are what makes my heart beat within my chest.

Kydrun in the News!

Kydrun on the News! (click here)

My Son Was On The News!! I'm SO proud of him, he did such a great job!! He and his bunkmate, Payton, were both interviewed and both did amazing. Such strong, brave little boys who light the world on fire with their smiles!!

I love you Kydrun, you humble me. Thanks for calling me Mom!

Excellent Day

M'Lis wrap #3, lost 10.25 inches; finished taping off mom's basement for paint; got all of the laundry folded; practiced karate; played the wii *my life's goal is to make my mii thin again!* Was asked "Do you still love him?" & for the first time I could honestly answer "No, I don't". I'm Free!! Today I'm grateful for peace, serenity, clean sheets & the knowledge I have that I am worth more than to be a back up plan.

Nah Nah Mah

Click here to read an article about Nah Nah Mah in the Salt Lake Tribue


Kydrun's off to camp Nah Nah Mah! This is a 4 day camp for burn survivors so he can go be with kids who've survived the trauma of being burned like he has. He loves it and looks forward to it every year!!

Forgiveness

Emma posted on FB: "Love gives us the means to forgive and heal our pains, embrace and joyfully celebrate our authentic selves and accept and trust in the divinity of our lives. However, it is our own free will that determines when this occurs for each of us.

Kimberly Kerns Safford Do you believe this applies to those who have wronged or pained us as well? i.e. True LOVE (not necessarily the romantic type) for another person allows us to forgive and heal the pains they have caused in us ... ? Does that question make sense?

Emma Completely makes sense. And, yes, my experience is that unconditional love does exactly that. It is love that allows us to heal and forgive every pain--whether we cause the pain or someone else does.

A wise teacher who lived about 2000 years ago showed us how to love everyone--even those who cause us the most pain. His example is one I strive each moment to emulate. See More

Joanie I'm learning that loving and forgiving someone doesn't always mean that it works to have them in my life. A big lesson for me!

Emma To me, that is part of what it means to be unconditionally loving.

Kimberly Kerns Safford Joanie, thank you! That is what brought that up for me. My ex cheated on me multiple times yet I forgave him and forgave him and just couldn't stop loving him and I was torn because I DO love him and I DID forgive him but why wasn't it all working properly ... That's exactly why, just because I do love him and I did forgive him it doesn't mean it works to have him in my life .... THANK YOU! Major AhHA for me!

Joanie It's a huge lesson isn't it? You're welcome : )

Wow... For some reason the word "Forgiveness" has really been in my face today. I snagged a little purple beanie baby bear from my mother with a silver heart on it's chest that says "70 X 7". The note on his hand, the scriptural reference from Matthew 18:21: ..."Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?" "No!" Jesus replied, "seventy times seven!" ... This little bear has been perched beside my computer monitor for 2 days now and I look at it often. I hadn't figured why I grabbed it from mothers, why it struck a cord with me. I have always prided myself on my ability to forgive those who I have deemed have 'wronged' me in some way. I am not a grudge holder mostly because I am simply too lazy for the effort a grudge takes. This said, however, there are those whom I have held grudges against with little to no intention of forgiveness. One of the people whom I hold a grudge against is dead and I still hate her. But I digress off of my original train of thought. Forgiveness. Why is this ringing in my ear so strongly right now? I have forgiven Will for all he did and put me through in our marriage and after it. This statement from my friend Emma got me thinking that because I have always loved Will it was easy to forgive him for all he did. But is that just blindness?

I don't really know where I'm going with this. That statement from Emma, and the follow up from Joanie really struck something in me. I forgave him because I love him. It actually makes me angry, THAT is the feeling I'm having right this moment, anger. It makes me angry that I loved him enough to forgive him, but he didn't love me enough to not hurt me in the first place.

Additionally, reading that quote makes me realize that I do not love MYSELF enough to forgive ME for all that I have done wrong in my life.

Hope Not!

LOVE this statement! It made me laugh: When your ex says "you will never find anyone like me" you reply "God I sure hope not..."

Water Damage

Oi the joy of children! Kydrun and Brylin put my mother's hose in the window well. When they went to bed they discovered the food storage room, laundry room, hallway, bathroom, my dad's room and my mom's room were flooded, totally soaked. Today we got to go over and clean it all up. My sister and my niece went over to help us and with all of us working it took us 6 hours. My mother is a hoarder. I don't care what she says. It's not super severe, like you see on TV, but it's bad enough!! Oh Kids!!

Continued Success

Went to Weight Watchers again ... lost another 2.6lbs!! Go me! WOOT! Really been struggling trying to get up to my points target. Sherry is frustrated with me because she struggles to get DOWN to her points everyday. It's been helpful remembering my mantra, JUST GIVE ME A YEAR! when I think of these small victories over myself. It's only 2lbs, but it's 2lbs!! I'm that many lbs closer to freedom, to myself, to the me I want to be!!

Babies

I hit a milestone. I got to go over and hold my friend Coral's baby today. She was in need of some formula and I had randomly gotten a box of formula in the mail. When I held that sweet little muffin of hers with her cute little fingers and toes and her pretty eyes and the sweet baby sounds she made ... I had absolutely NO desire to have another child, ever. I always was afraid to hold babies because I was afraid it would awaken that "baby-hungry" monster that seems to live inside all women. Well, my monster must have died because I am not the least bit. It almost made me sad but mostly, I think I felt relief. My baby is almost 6, I just can't imagine adding an infant. It also made me sure that while I do not have any desire to give birth again and have an infant, I have absolutely no problems loving someone elses children. I worry about this, as a single mother now that wants to be remarried. It is likely, highly, that I will marry someone with kids. I have no problem with this, I don't mind the idea of it at all I just simply have no desire to have more children of my own. It was an interesting realization to me. My ex's girlfriend wants to have kids, she's in her early 30's and mentions it frequently. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but when I got to hold Haven today ... I just say "All the more power to ya!" This also opened my eyes a bit more to the dating pool I must choose from. Given that I am absolutely uninterested in having more children, I must select carefully from the men who already have children, wouldn't mind loving mine but don't want any more of their own. It's so strange to know this about myself ... I always look at the cute little pink baby clothes at the store and go "Awww!" but really, that's just because I'm a girl, not because I want to stuff a wriggly pink pile of fluff into it! Good for me, another milestone.

Family

I lit a bomb and it blew up in my face. In an attempt to actually keep the peace in my family, I texted my nearly 22 year old nephew to express my concern over facebook posts his girlfriend and his mother were making about what I 'perceived' was his Stepmother (who is married to my brother). I do not like his mother. I have not liked that woman in 15 years. When Kristophor called me our tempers got the best of us and I said some things about his mother I should never have said, EVER, because it served only to hurt him which was never my intention. I only brought it up to him because I thought what was going on between his girlfriend and mother was inappropriate. His mother has no rights to badmouth his Stepmother when SHE'S the one who raised him. His mother has been down in Florida for 15 years doing as little as is possible for Kristophor all this time. I just felt that as the adult who is "responsible" for these two women, it was Kristophor's job to put an end to the offensive behavior. Instead, he went to his mother and told her everything I had said, and then some I'm sure, went to his dad and told him that he's sick of this two-faced family. His mother then turned on Jean (my sis-in-law) and sent her a ton of texts threatening her that she's better watch what she says and to pass along a message to me that she is going to kick my living ass when she gets to Utah. Jean and Robert weren't even involved in this, much less Tami and Jodi (his mother and girlfriend). This was between Kristophor and me. Now, Kristophor and Jodi will not speak to me and Kristophor's brother (same mothers different fathers) who has been my nephew for all intents and purposes hates me now too. I'm done with all of it. Why did it happen? I don't understand what happened? Originally I was going to say something to Jodi and Tami but I knew that would blow up in my face so I went to Kristophor ... and it STILL blew up in my face. Everytime I try to defend my sister in law to Kristophor this happens. I'm finished. I'm sad :(

Toothfairy

The Toothfairy CANNOT fly. Kydrun sleeps on the top bunk of a double sized bunk bed and he sleeps with his head in the center of the side against the wall. The Toothfairy had a heckuva time trying to get onto that top bunk to try to reach the tooth which was as far away from the accessible edges as was possible!! Good thing the Toothfairy is MAGIC! He got a dollar, wow, major inflation from my day and I'll bet the Toothfairy didn't have to work NEARLY as hard!!