I'm reading a new book series called The Great and Terrible by Chris Stewart. I just finished reading the first book. Although, imho, poorly written it was thought provoking. There were descriptions in there that brought flickers of recollection to mind from my own life. I've only ever shared this story with a handful of people.
Some excerpts from the book; they're a bit out of context because you have to know the characters and the story behind it, which I'm not going to give but these characters are speaking to Heavenly Father:
"...Luke shot a worried look toward Beth as he thought of the vision he'd seen. "Will it be like Lucifer showed me?" he asked worriedly.
The Father frowned a little. "I'm afraid that it will." He put his arm around Beth. "But you will make it," he assured her. "I know how strong you've become. And remember, all of you, that I will always be there." ...
...Then they saw one great family working and laughing and playing with God, a sustained march of people that extended from brother Michael to the last child born, one chain, and eternal lineage of brothers and sisters and husbands and wives...
...Sweeping his arms across eternity, the Father explained, "I am sending you to earth at a very treacherous time. Once you are there, you will forget everything. And the things you will deal with will seem so important to you. Your everyday problems will seem incredibly large-your work and your school, your family and friends, what to wear, how you look. Are you fat? Are you strong? Are you pretty? Are you smart? Do you make enough money? Do other people like you? Why weren't you chosen for a game or group activity? Why isn't life always fair? Worries such as these may consume you and take all your time. ... It will be easy to forget that life is always good - there whether you are here or on earth, you are meant to find joy. ...
"...So on quiet nights in the summer, when you are still and peaceful, I want you to look up at the heavens, the moon and the stars so your spirit can remember these things I have shown you today. And if you do, you will remember, somewhere deep in your soul, that you are a part of a heavenly family, a heavenly plan, something eternal and wonderful and incredibly large. You will remember that your family is up here cheering for you, that family is the only thing that matters, the only thing of any significance. ... "...I've seen he world, dear Father, and it's a dark, dangerous place. And if we can't remember that you love us, how are we going to know? ..."But if you listen, I will tell you. If you listen closely, you will know." (The Great and Terrible, volume 1 PROLOGUE: The Brothers by Chris Stewart; chapter 21 pages 195-197.)
When I was 15-ish I wanted nothing more than to die. I had faith in God, in something larger than myself but failed to see or understand the significance of it. I was lost inside my own head and felt numb from the eyebrows down. I simply existed, I wasn't alive and I longed to be dead more than I longed to breathe. One night, after a rather feeble attempt at suicide I went to bed in my entirely blacked out room. I remember looking at my alarm on my desk across the room and it was 7:06pm. I woke up at 12:37pm, looked at the clock and closed my eyes again. When I opened my eyes again my alarm clock was gone, my room completely black. I sat up, confused on the edge of my bed wondering if the power had gone out. While I sat there trying to get the sleep to clear from my mind and to figure out exactly what was going on I caught sight of a hole in my wall. It looked like a nail hole, or a drill hole that went all the way through the wall and the light in the next room was on. I'd never noticed it before so I stood up and carefully (my room was a mess) walked across the floor with my hands stretched out in front of me so I didn't run into the desk. I never reached my desk and when I put my hand up to try to touch the minute little hole, I was suddenly surrounded with light. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust from my darkness into the light.
When my eyes adjusted I found myself staring out across a sea of people all in white. They were without number. There was a peace, a beauty and an underlying joy I could feel but that I found very, very difficult to take in. I stood there confused not sure what to do, to think, where to go. Then I heard my name.
"Kimberly." It was a sentence, not a question and the voice was unmistakable although it had been many years since I'd heard it. It was my paternal Grandmother, Pauline Moon. When I turned to her voice I saw her and I swelled with happiness. There stood my little red-haired grandma flanked on one side by my maternal step-grandpa and my favoritest person in the world Grandpa Williams and on the other two people who I didn't know; a very tall dark haired man and a short white haired lady neither of whom ever spoke. I ran to them, relieved.
"Why are you here?" Grandma asked. "You're not suppose to be here. You need to go back." I was confused again. I didn't WANT to go back, I was finally where I wanted to be and there was nothing making me want to go back. "Please don't make me" I begged. Grandpa stepped over, wrapped me in his arms and said "You have to go back, you aren't suppose to be here" I cried. I spent what seemed like forever begging, pleading, bargaining and crying that I might just stay. "There's nothing there for me. I don't want to go back."
Grandma turned me around to face this huge sea of people who all seemed to be staring at me. "Do you see all of these people?" "Yes." "These are the people that YOU will influence in your lifetime to follow the Savior; that you will bring into the church; that you will do their work in the temple. Without YOU, your influence, your presence they will be lost." But there were SO many. I begged again, "PLEASE don't make me go back. I'M lost. There's no way that I can influence anybody. Someone else can help them, someone else will be there, someone else is stronger. Please let me stay!" They all shook their heads and wrapped their arms around me. "It's time for you to go back now."
"Please go with me. I can't do it alone. Please don't make me go do it alone." Grandpa put his arm around me and hugged me to him and whispered, "We've already gone and we can't go back." Grandma put her arm around me and said, "What can you feel?" I wasn't sure what she was referring to because I was feeling SO many things right then. She said, "Can you feel Him? Can you feel His love? He is always here and He will go with you. All you have to do is rely is on Him, call on Him and believe in Him and you WILL make it through just fine." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and just allowed myself to feel the joy, the peace and the overwhelming love. I wanted to much to see our Savior, and was disappointed that I never got to, but with time I've come to understand why I didn't. They each hugged me one last time, told me to remember and to stay strong. I cried and held their hands not wanting to go but knowing I had no choice. I put my head down in sorrow, closed my eyes and willed the tears to stop and turned away from them. I was immediately surrounded by darkness, standing in alone in my bedroom staring at the red numbers on my alarm clock which read 12:39am. I sat down on my bed and cried, confused and lonelier than ever before but suddenly full of hope where there was hopelessness before.
I changed a lot of things that night. I pulled the covers off of my windows, allowing light into my room. I changed a lot of my music habits and worked very hard and finding, and keeping my faith intact. I've only felt that Love, that unconditional, personal and perfect love a handful of times since then. I always realize how much I miss it when I feel it and I long for it for so long after it's gone. It's been a long time now since I've felt it I'm afraid I won't recognize it when I do. I found out not long after this experience that the two other people that were with my Grandma and Grandpa were my Great-Grandparents on my mothers side (Her Grandma and Grandpa) who both passed before I was born. I'd never seen them, or many photo's of them so I didn't recognize them. It wasn't until I saw a photo of them in an old photo album of my Grandmothers that I figured out who they were. I knew them immediately.
I hope I've helped all of those people. I hope I've influenced many. I don't know if I have and I'm afraid that if I consider it I'll consider it failure. All I want more than anything in the world is to find the Joy and then in the end to stand before my Savior and my God and to declare that I've done all that was asked of me to have him tell me, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." I hope I do not fall short, I hope I do not disappoint Him or any of the individual faces in that multitude.
I guess I'd better get busy.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Clarity?
I re-read my Clarity post. I don't know how I could define that as clarity given the simple fact that the words put down were just the exact same regurgitated words I've BEEN putting down for 6 months. My thought process is mighty redundant. I'm surprised more of my friends haven't told me to shut-up yet. I think that's why I blog ... if you don't want to hear it, quit reading. *shrug* Easy enough I think.
I think that the clarity wasn't so much about Will but about myself. I've known the stuff about Will, that's only GLARINGLY obvious to everyone, and yes, even me.
Here's what was clarified in my mind. My 8 year old struggles... a lot. She's vicious, mean, bossy and a down-right bully to her brother who is 18 months her junior. In addition to being so horrible and abusive to Kydrun, she is defiant and extremely contradictory. Jade speaks another language. You'd think I'd know it, seeing as how when I was her age I spoke it to, but I don't. She has to be spoken to in a certain way to get her to hear, to listen, to even care about what is being said. I had a therapist tell me once that Jade is "Parentified" which means that she believes she is MY parent. Try parenting your parent ... it doesn't work. She's resentful of being told what to do and believes she is the other kids supreme authority and they should therefore do as SHE says over what I say. When they disobey her, she gets extremely violent with them, scolding and punishing them.
I created this little monster with my exceedingly bad parenting skills. I've been so incredibly dysfunctional for so much of her life, she's had to take on the roll as Mom for the other two. Even though I've been physically present ... I haven't always been present. I realized this this week more than ever in her life. I've been off-kilter all week. My medications haven't been right, I've been physically ill and I've been suffering from some insomnia which is more like my schedule being screwed up rather than the inability to sleep. I sleep just fine, just not at night. So I finally crash at about 3-4am and the kids get up at 6-6:30. They want breakfast so they come to me and ask permission to get themselves breakfast. In my cloudy, exhausted mind I think to myself "They're old enough to get their own breakfast, they'll be fine". When Brylin rolls out of bed a couple of hours later (she's too much like me) I call Jade to me and ask her to get breakfast for Brylin. As far as I can recollect, this is the extent of my neglectful parenting, but it's enough.
Here's my moment of clarity. IF I were to have more of a spine, be more disciplined in my OWN life, be more disciplined in going to bed, getting up etc... I'd be able to be more disciplined in being a parent. The clarity about Will, about how I falter over and over with him, and forgive, and look past his indiscretions is indicative of the very biggest weakness in me. I'm not even sure that I have a word to describe what exactly it is .. complacency? Laziness? Wishy-washiness? I have a severe lack of self-motivation as well. So my clarity: I have no idea how to parent my daughter. Until I can reign myself in, gain control of my life she's going to continue to get worse. Until I learn, or get the gumption, to stand up to Will and tell him No More; to get a backbone; to fill out my college applications and fafsa papers; until I go to bed at 8 with them and get up before they do and have breakfast on the table for them when they wake up, I'm going to continue to lose my girl.
I think that the clarity wasn't so much about Will but about myself. I've known the stuff about Will, that's only GLARINGLY obvious to everyone, and yes, even me.
Here's what was clarified in my mind. My 8 year old struggles... a lot. She's vicious, mean, bossy and a down-right bully to her brother who is 18 months her junior. In addition to being so horrible and abusive to Kydrun, she is defiant and extremely contradictory. Jade speaks another language. You'd think I'd know it, seeing as how when I was her age I spoke it to, but I don't. She has to be spoken to in a certain way to get her to hear, to listen, to even care about what is being said. I had a therapist tell me once that Jade is "Parentified" which means that she believes she is MY parent. Try parenting your parent ... it doesn't work. She's resentful of being told what to do and believes she is the other kids supreme authority and they should therefore do as SHE says over what I say. When they disobey her, she gets extremely violent with them, scolding and punishing them.
I created this little monster with my exceedingly bad parenting skills. I've been so incredibly dysfunctional for so much of her life, she's had to take on the roll as Mom for the other two. Even though I've been physically present ... I haven't always been present. I realized this this week more than ever in her life. I've been off-kilter all week. My medications haven't been right, I've been physically ill and I've been suffering from some insomnia which is more like my schedule being screwed up rather than the inability to sleep. I sleep just fine, just not at night. So I finally crash at about 3-4am and the kids get up at 6-6:30. They want breakfast so they come to me and ask permission to get themselves breakfast. In my cloudy, exhausted mind I think to myself "They're old enough to get their own breakfast, they'll be fine". When Brylin rolls out of bed a couple of hours later (she's too much like me) I call Jade to me and ask her to get breakfast for Brylin. As far as I can recollect, this is the extent of my neglectful parenting, but it's enough.
Here's my moment of clarity. IF I were to have more of a spine, be more disciplined in my OWN life, be more disciplined in going to bed, getting up etc... I'd be able to be more disciplined in being a parent. The clarity about Will, about how I falter over and over with him, and forgive, and look past his indiscretions is indicative of the very biggest weakness in me. I'm not even sure that I have a word to describe what exactly it is .. complacency? Laziness? Wishy-washiness? I have a severe lack of self-motivation as well. So my clarity: I have no idea how to parent my daughter. Until I can reign myself in, gain control of my life she's going to continue to get worse. Until I learn, or get the gumption, to stand up to Will and tell him No More; to get a backbone; to fill out my college applications and fafsa papers; until I go to bed at 8 with them and get up before they do and have breakfast on the table for them when they wake up, I'm going to continue to lose my girl.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Clarity
I'm having a moment of clarity and although it's now 3:12am I have to write it down ... in fact, BECAUSE it's 3:12am, I have to write it down.
4 years ago a line was crossed in my marriage, by my husband. As soon as I discovered the line had been crossed I reacted, I laid down the law and I tried to make damn sure that the line would NEVER be crossed again. But then I screwed it all up. I allowed him to talk me into the fact that "it was nothing", "it was just jokes", "she's just my friend". So I insisted that he call her, and apologize for me. WHAT THE F*&K WAS I THINKING?!! Right then and there was the end. I turned the other cheek in such a way that it allowed him to dance all along and over the line all he wanted until he crossed ANOTHER line, a much, much worse line.
When the worse line was crossed, I was furious, I was angry, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was destroyed. Then I spent the next 6 months trying to win him back. I begged, I pleaded, I bargained. I forgave. He came home with strict rules in place. Rules he never did abide by.
Within 1 year he crossed that line again and my marriage was over because HE wanted it to be. Since then, I have been on a horrible roller coaster ride that never ends. He moved in with his girlfriend, I went over and met her to "make it easier for him". I welcomed him back into my bed, over and over, even though I knew I was now the other woman. Things didn't work out with his whore, no surprise there and he was suddenly alone. Then I met a guy I was so incredibly interested in (I still am and I've only ever met him twice). So in a panic, Will cast his net. He cried, he played all the right music, said all the right words, touched my heart in all the right ways and I was caught, again. Or had I ever been set free? Had I just on a longer leash? He reeled me in, and although I fought hard, I wore out and I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to climb back onto the same damn roller coaster I thought I'd just gotten off. Once he had me reeled back in and sufficiently dizzy, he changed his mind about all of the right words, all of the right promises. And his mind, and eye started to wander again. He is obsessively private about his phone, won't let me touch it even to make a phone call. Granted, I check it when I do get my hands on it, but who wouldn't after being betrayed as many times as he's betrayed me?? I knew, I knew something was going on but I looked past it hoping it was my imagination. Then I met another guy. He found out immediately because HE checked MY phone. He was SO man and freaked out and oddly, I felt compelled to lie to him about it. To make it okay. I told him that Mandi had put his number into my phone, that the texts he read were out of context. I tried to smooth it over so he wouldn't be mad. WHY?!! It wasn't like I was even that interested in the guy. He was cute, and nice to talk to sure, but that was it. Nothing more than his little friend Dora, who I've ALWAYS looked beyond.
The last few weeks he's done SO many things to prove to me that he is not who I want to spend my life with. He's not the man I fell in love with and has no desire to become that man again. I think one of the final straws was that we were driving in the truck after a WONDERFUL day of being together with the kids as a family. MY Will was actually back and present and I was SOOOOO happy. It was night-time and I'd been cold all day, wearing my coat, like always and Will was driving with his window rolled down. Brylin was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and was sitting in her seat behind Will. She was shivering and so was I and I was wearing my coat. I asked him to please roll his window up because we were cold and he said No because HE was hot. I took my coat off and gave it to Brylin but it was just so SELFISH. What kind of person won't roll the window up when their child and the woman who they profess to love are sitting there freezing?? That wasn't the straw that broke the camels back, but it was one of the last. I didn't marry a man who was so selfish and I don't want to be with a man who is.
I checked his phone late on Sunday night. I discovered to my horror, but not to my surprise that he's been sending texts to another woman that say the same things he's been saying to me. Love you. Miss You. This just happens to be the very same woman that he crossed the very, very first line with. Go figure. While she lives in AZ, she's planned a trip up here in July and "July just can't get here soon enough". DUH!! One of the texts from her said "you're going to have to get that all out of your system". There was no context to this text. Whatever it was he said had been deleted. It didn't occur to me until JUST NOW that he WANTED me to find those texts. He KNEW I'd check his phone and he knew I'd find them. He just wasn't prepared for me to tell him I was finished. And when I did, at 3am, he got mad. Why? Because he felt his hold slipping. Less than 12 hours later, he reeled the leash back in and I'm back to being hooked even though I know.
All I am is a bed warmer. He's keeping me around because I'm here, I'm close, I'll do ANYTHING in the world for him and he knows it. But he's not here, his mind and his pants are in AZ and in July when she's here for her "visit".
I've known it all along; it's been right in front of my face this entire time and I've known but I never ever wanted to see it.
So now what?
4 years ago a line was crossed in my marriage, by my husband. As soon as I discovered the line had been crossed I reacted, I laid down the law and I tried to make damn sure that the line would NEVER be crossed again. But then I screwed it all up. I allowed him to talk me into the fact that "it was nothing", "it was just jokes", "she's just my friend". So I insisted that he call her, and apologize for me. WHAT THE F*&K WAS I THINKING?!! Right then and there was the end. I turned the other cheek in such a way that it allowed him to dance all along and over the line all he wanted until he crossed ANOTHER line, a much, much worse line.
When the worse line was crossed, I was furious, I was angry, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was destroyed. Then I spent the next 6 months trying to win him back. I begged, I pleaded, I bargained. I forgave. He came home with strict rules in place. Rules he never did abide by.
Within 1 year he crossed that line again and my marriage was over because HE wanted it to be. Since then, I have been on a horrible roller coaster ride that never ends. He moved in with his girlfriend, I went over and met her to "make it easier for him". I welcomed him back into my bed, over and over, even though I knew I was now the other woman. Things didn't work out with his whore, no surprise there and he was suddenly alone. Then I met a guy I was so incredibly interested in (I still am and I've only ever met him twice). So in a panic, Will cast his net. He cried, he played all the right music, said all the right words, touched my heart in all the right ways and I was caught, again. Or had I ever been set free? Had I just on a longer leash? He reeled me in, and although I fought hard, I wore out and I stopped fighting it and allowed myself to climb back onto the same damn roller coaster I thought I'd just gotten off. Once he had me reeled back in and sufficiently dizzy, he changed his mind about all of the right words, all of the right promises. And his mind, and eye started to wander again. He is obsessively private about his phone, won't let me touch it even to make a phone call. Granted, I check it when I do get my hands on it, but who wouldn't after being betrayed as many times as he's betrayed me?? I knew, I knew something was going on but I looked past it hoping it was my imagination. Then I met another guy. He found out immediately because HE checked MY phone. He was SO man and freaked out and oddly, I felt compelled to lie to him about it. To make it okay. I told him that Mandi had put his number into my phone, that the texts he read were out of context. I tried to smooth it over so he wouldn't be mad. WHY?!! It wasn't like I was even that interested in the guy. He was cute, and nice to talk to sure, but that was it. Nothing more than his little friend Dora, who I've ALWAYS looked beyond.
The last few weeks he's done SO many things to prove to me that he is not who I want to spend my life with. He's not the man I fell in love with and has no desire to become that man again. I think one of the final straws was that we were driving in the truck after a WONDERFUL day of being together with the kids as a family. MY Will was actually back and present and I was SOOOOO happy. It was night-time and I'd been cold all day, wearing my coat, like always and Will was driving with his window rolled down. Brylin was wearing a t-shirt and shorts and was sitting in her seat behind Will. She was shivering and so was I and I was wearing my coat. I asked him to please roll his window up because we were cold and he said No because HE was hot. I took my coat off and gave it to Brylin but it was just so SELFISH. What kind of person won't roll the window up when their child and the woman who they profess to love are sitting there freezing?? That wasn't the straw that broke the camels back, but it was one of the last. I didn't marry a man who was so selfish and I don't want to be with a man who is.
I checked his phone late on Sunday night. I discovered to my horror, but not to my surprise that he's been sending texts to another woman that say the same things he's been saying to me. Love you. Miss You. This just happens to be the very same woman that he crossed the very, very first line with. Go figure. While she lives in AZ, she's planned a trip up here in July and "July just can't get here soon enough". DUH!! One of the texts from her said "you're going to have to get that all out of your system". There was no context to this text. Whatever it was he said had been deleted. It didn't occur to me until JUST NOW that he WANTED me to find those texts. He KNEW I'd check his phone and he knew I'd find them. He just wasn't prepared for me to tell him I was finished. And when I did, at 3am, he got mad. Why? Because he felt his hold slipping. Less than 12 hours later, he reeled the leash back in and I'm back to being hooked even though I know.
All I am is a bed warmer. He's keeping me around because I'm here, I'm close, I'll do ANYTHING in the world for him and he knows it. But he's not here, his mind and his pants are in AZ and in July when she's here for her "visit".
I've known it all along; it's been right in front of my face this entire time and I've known but I never ever wanted to see it.
So now what?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Eddy
Sometimes in an effort to overcome what we consider irrational fears, we do irrational things.
To overcome my fear of heights, in 1995 I went skydiving. The scariest part of that was the plane ride up and the anticipation of flinging myself out of an airplane 2000 feet in the air. The free fall was exhilarating, the landing rough. This experience did nothing to ease my fear of heights, I still can't bungee jump (something about trusting my life to a rubber-band)...
To overcome my fear of water, I get in it. I put my face in the water when I shower, I even put the water around my face when I take a bath. I've even gone to local water parks and slid on the rides. The anxiety there is manageable.
But the fear of water never goes away.
Several years ago, Will and I went down to the Green River to go tubing ... Yes, we were tubing a river that people pay guides to take them down in boats. Not one of our wiser choices as adults, or rather, not one of MY wiser choices as an adult ... Will thinks it's great fun.
Despite my horrible, paralyzing fear of water (and my better judgement!), I wanted to overcome it and to be with Will and to enjoy this adrenalin rushing experience. Sometimes we're given fear for a really good reason... like to save our lives.
Parts of the river were so calm and serene that I actually found myself relaxing a bit and the knot in my stomach loosening. I was still incredibly tense and afraid of just letting my feet hang into the flowing water around me. We'd hit moments of rapids but nothing too terrifying, until I hit an eddy...
What's an eddy? Imagine a big boulder in mid channel. The river flows around it, right? But water piles up against the upstream side, too. That's the cushion. But don't count on it being a soft slam if you hit it hard, the cushion is stuffed with rock, after all!
And what happens downstream? The boulder splits the river into two parts, but the filaments of water are reunited almost immediately. Then, impelled by gravity, some of the flow surges back to fill the "hole" in the river. The result? An eddy.
Of course, no two eddies are exactly alike. If a river is lazy and slow-moving, its eddies will be equally languid, their ill-defined margins marked only by minute, almost imperceptible whirlpools. Such eddies are easy to drift into. This isn't the case when a river rushes pell-mell down a steep valley, though. Here the eddies take on a more muscular character. They're now maelstroms of sloshing spume, and their boundaries ("eddy-lines") form heaving barriers.
This is where my experience begins... an eddy.
After allowing myself to relax a bit and even for a moment or two smile, I got into a really white capped section of the river. Will yelled instructions at me from his tube, but I was too far away for him to grab onto and steer the right way. Once I got sucked into the fast flowing water, I was gone. Because I was so afraid I was fighting with the tube, the current and the water and I ultimately got removed from my tube.
I went right into the jaws of a very aggressive eddy.
I was terrified beyond words. I was under this loud, crushing amount water that was holding me under no matter how hard I fought. I couldn't hear Will, I couldn't hear anything but water. I could see the sky through the murky water so I knew I wasn't very far under so I kept fighting. While I fought for that one breath, I kept thinking "my kids, my kids, I cannot leave my kids".
After what seemed like hours fighting with destiny, I finally realized that there was no way out. I was going to die now and it was time to stop fighting.
The water stopped making a sound. It was silent all around me and I felt so alone. I felt like all of the strings that attached me to the whole world, that kept me on the ground, that kept me breathing and waking up in the mornings ... all those strings were suddenly cut and I was completely alone. I whispered my goodbye's to the kids in my mind, hugged them each one last time and whispered "I love you" to Will.
Then I stopped. I stopped trying to breathe, I stopped trying to swim. I just closed my eyes and stopped.
And the eddy let me go.
After coming to the conclusion last night that my Will is my perfectly square peg I felt all of the strings snap. I have felt for the last three years, but no more so than in the last 4 months, that I've been under rushing, crushing water. The noise is so loud I can't think, I can't process. The chaos is evident in my decisions and in my life all around me. I can see the sky, but it's murky and seems so far away although it's really only inches.
It's time that I allow myself to "die". I have resigned myself to my divorce, resigned myself to being alone. This is the only way the eddy of despair and chaos will let me go. If I keep fighting against it all alone then I will stay right where I am and will eventually run out of fight. But if I just turn myself over to God, with my broken dreams and heart to mend, and then actually let go I will finally be set free.
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend.
I bought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.
But instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I stood around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I cried, "How can you be so slow!"
He smile and said my child, "You never did let go."
-Anonymous
To overcome my fear of heights, in 1995 I went skydiving. The scariest part of that was the plane ride up and the anticipation of flinging myself out of an airplane 2000 feet in the air. The free fall was exhilarating, the landing rough. This experience did nothing to ease my fear of heights, I still can't bungee jump (something about trusting my life to a rubber-band)... To overcome my fear of water, I get in it. I put my face in the water when I shower, I even put the water around my face when I take a bath. I've even gone to local water parks and slid on the rides. The anxiety there is manageable.
But the fear of water never goes away.
Several years ago, Will and I went down to the Green River to go tubing ... Yes, we were tubing a river that people pay guides to take them down in boats. Not one of our wiser choices as adults, or rather, not one of MY wiser choices as an adult ... Will thinks it's great fun.
Despite my horrible, paralyzing fear of water (and my better judgement!), I wanted to overcome it and to be with Will and to enjoy this adrenalin rushing experience. Sometimes we're given fear for a really good reason... like to save our lives.
Parts of the river were so calm and serene that I actually found myself relaxing a bit and the knot in my stomach loosening. I was still incredibly tense and afraid of just letting my feet hang into the flowing water around me. We'd hit moments of rapids but nothing too terrifying, until I hit an eddy...
What's an eddy? Imagine a big boulder in mid channel. The river flows around it, right? But water piles up against the upstream side, too. That's the cushion. But don't count on it being a soft slam if you hit it hard, the cushion is stuffed with rock, after all!
And what happens downstream? The boulder splits the river into two parts, but the filaments of water are reunited almost immediately. Then, impelled by gravity, some of the flow surges back to fill the "hole" in the river. The result? An eddy.
Of course, no two eddies are exactly alike. If a river is lazy and slow-moving, its eddies will be equally languid, their ill-defined margins marked only by minute, almost imperceptible whirlpools. Such eddies are easy to drift into. This isn't the case when a river rushes pell-mell down a steep valley, though. Here the eddies take on a more muscular character. They're now maelstroms of sloshing spume, and their boundaries ("eddy-lines") form heaving barriers.
This is where my experience begins... an eddy.
After allowing myself to relax a bit and even for a moment or two smile, I got into a really white capped section of the river. Will yelled instructions at me from his tube, but I was too far away for him to grab onto and steer the right way. Once I got sucked into the fast flowing water, I was gone. Because I was so afraid I was fighting with the tube, the current and the water and I ultimately got removed from my tube.
I went right into the jaws of a very aggressive eddy.
I was terrified beyond words. I was under this loud, crushing amount water that was holding me under no matter how hard I fought. I couldn't hear Will, I couldn't hear anything but water. I could see the sky through the murky water so I knew I wasn't very far under so I kept fighting. While I fought for that one breath, I kept thinking "my kids, my kids, I cannot leave my kids".
After what seemed like hours fighting with destiny, I finally realized that there was no way out. I was going to die now and it was time to stop fighting.
The water stopped making a sound. It was silent all around me and I felt so alone. I felt like all of the strings that attached me to the whole world, that kept me on the ground, that kept me breathing and waking up in the mornings ... all those strings were suddenly cut and I was completely alone. I whispered my goodbye's to the kids in my mind, hugged them each one last time and whispered "I love you" to Will.
Then I stopped. I stopped trying to breathe, I stopped trying to swim. I just closed my eyes and stopped.
And the eddy let me go.
After coming to the conclusion last night that my Will is my perfectly square peg I felt all of the strings snap. I have felt for the last three years, but no more so than in the last 4 months, that I've been under rushing, crushing water. The noise is so loud I can't think, I can't process. The chaos is evident in my decisions and in my life all around me. I can see the sky, but it's murky and seems so far away although it's really only inches. It's time that I allow myself to "die". I have resigned myself to my divorce, resigned myself to being alone. This is the only way the eddy of despair and chaos will let me go. If I keep fighting against it all alone then I will stay right where I am and will eventually run out of fight. But if I just turn myself over to God, with my broken dreams and heart to mend, and then actually let go I will finally be set free.
As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend.
I bought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.
But instead of leaving him in peace to work alone,
I stood around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I cried, "How can you be so slow!"
He smile and said my child, "You never did let go."
-Anonymous
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Yin Yang
I wonder if a person who has found the Yin to their Yang could ever be whole with someone else? Is it possible to love someone but to feel "completed" and "whole" by another? Is it possible that there is more than one "perfect match" for my Yin? Is it possible to actually miss a part of yourself you never actually knew you lost?
I believe the Lord puts us in positions for a reason. We're in certain places, certain times, with certain people for a reason. I went to Ohio on my mission.
Wonderful place the Great Ohio, btw. I met a wonderful missionary Elder while I was there. The one that turned out to be my future husband. Is it possible that I married the wrong future husband? Is it possible that I'm only partially whole with who I was with and that's why it ended? Is it possible that a person just exactly like me could exist and be in my life but not BE my life? Can I ever be whole with anyone except my Yang? I found and married someone who I truly thought completed me, but I've been coming to the realization that I spent my entire marriage trying to make myself fit into HIS yin yang and I just simply don't and I'm doubting that I ever will. I'm finding myself trying to force him into my yin yang and he's resentful of it. For only three
moments in our marriage were we harmonious and made a good match was in the creation of our three beautiful children. Will is a square peg that I am trying to force into a round hole... I could eventually get him there, it would scrape up his sides, dent him and potentially break him, but if I pushed hard enough, that square peg WOULD fit. It would be uncomfortable for him, and potentially downright miserable for him. I cannot force my beautifully square peg anymore. He is never going to be able to become what I want him to become and it's not fair for me to try to force him to. He's a wonderful, perfect man; he's sweet, he's gentle and he's SO funny. I love him with all of me and he's my best friend; I enjoy him SOOO much ... But he's a square peg. I want someone to go to church with me, to go the temple with me. Someone to drag me by the hand into Sunday School so that I don't break my phone playing Tetris in the hall. I want someone who will encourage me to be better, to live better. I want someone who has the Priesthood that I value so highly.
**Sidebar story: When I was a teenager I got strep throat for the first time. I was in hell and wished I could be dead. My fever was so high, every inch of me hurt, my throat burned and ached and nothing I did could make it go away. My mother nursed me and took care of me the best she could but I wanted my Dad. I wanted a blessing to make the sick go away. I remember vividly, as if it happened yesterday, my Dad coming into my room and the peace I felt that I was finally going to get better. My Dad walked over to my bed, put his hand on my forehead and petted me gentle and said "I'm so sorry you're sick". That was it. My Dad isn't a member of the church, he doesn't hold the Priesthood. There was nothing he could have done for me when he laid his hand on my forehead except exactly what he did ... "I'm sorry you're sick". The disappointment resounds in my soul to this day. I promised myself then and there that I would NEVER live with a man that didn't have the Priesthood. When my children are sick and they need a blessing, or when they start school, or whenever they just need clarity ... There will be no phone calls to the bishopric or home teachers to find someone to come over and give a blessing. That person will be in my house and available and worthy at all times.
So who I thought completed my Yin, turned out to be a Yin himself. We didn't complete each other at all. He's still so much a part of me, but he's not the Soul Mate that I always believed him to be.
While talking to a friend of mine today spoke about a new "friend" of mine who I 
*thought* was interested in me, and that I was mildly, curiously interested in but it didn't pan out. This new "friend", while having our first phone conversation, asked me several times about a female friend of mine that he's interested in. No big deal there, little crushing to the ego though! My friend told me today that this guy isn't right for me because the one that's right for me will forget anyone else exists when he meets me. I envision the perfect positioning of the halves of ourselves finally becoming an entire whole. Is it possible to find that? Is it possible to live without it if you know where it is but can't have it?
Blessings
Hospitals ... more specifically, hospitals and babies. A mission friend of mine just recently had a gorgeous little boy. He had some medical conditions immediately following birth that required immediate heart surgery. I've been reading their daily updates on their personal blog about their little "Iron Man" and his progress. I've prayed for them and I'm so familiar with their feelings to a degree. After having open heart surgery this little guy was suppose to be in the hospital for at least another 2 weeks; the little trooper is only a week out of his heart surgery and is on his way home in the very relieved and happy arms of his parents.
Reading their blog posts about their journey with him has brought up a lot of the emotions that I felt with Kydrun. I felt so helpless, so scared. I was full of SO many questions, none of which anyone could answer for me. I felt like a horrible mother that allowed her baby to get hurt and couldn't protect him from the pain. Seeing him lie there on his hospital bed covered in bandages, swollen and unconscious was the worst feeling in the world. I wished so much I could take his pain away. I felt relief when he opened his eyes, when he spoke, albeit unclearly as he was barely two. I felt buoyed up by the
prayers that were offered and by the visitors. We even had visitors that came up and stayed in the waiting room just to be there but unable to muster the strength to see Kydrun in such a state. I understood completely but was so thankful they were there. Most of all though, I felt strength from the Lord and in fact to this day can see the many small miracles within the excruciating experience that Kydrun had to suffer. One of those was reflected my my mission friend and her little "Iron Man".
This little baby, who's only two weeks old now has had open heart surgery. The doctors told them to expect to be in the hospital for some weeks for his recovery. This little guy has had several Priesthood blessings. After only one week he is going home, happy and healthy. My
little man was burned on 20% of his body with second and third degree burns. We were told to expect to be in the hospital for at a minimum of 20 days (one day per percentage of body burned), more if there were complications. My little Kydrun was in the hospital for only 4 days. Kydrun received a blessing first thing when we got to the hospital and I firmly believe that that is what made the difference. The Priesthood gave ME the strength as his mother to provide him the care necessary to assist him in healing. It gave me the strength to not fall completely apart. My overwhelming personality that just sort of takes over a room whenever I'm in it coupled with the strength of the Lord started me on the path of his care. Kydrun's second bandage change was done by me with assistance from the NA's. The third bandage change was done with only supervision. I firmly believe that I could NEVER have done ANY of that, especially not bring him home after only 4 days to care for myself, WITHOUT the power of the Priesthood. How very grateful I am for it. 95% of burn patients that die don't die from their burns, they die from infection. That is why he was projected to stay in the hospital so long, so they could fight off the infections they were prepared for him to get. The infections that he never got, never one. His body was strong, his Spirit was stronger. The Priesthood played such an important role in his life, in his healing and in my life and my ability to care for him. Another miracle and blessing that we received within Kydrun's burn is where his burn
was. Kydrun pulled a pan of hot oil off of the stove onto his all but naked body. The hot oil landed first on his shoulder, pouring down his right arm, over his right shoulder across and down his chest. Other than a small 1st degree drop that got on his chin, his face was not burned at all. His little hands, still perfect and unscathed. The burn actually went down to his wrist and stopped. Additionally, it ran down his chest onto his stomach and into his diaper, stopping only a quarter of an inch above his privates, no damage done there. Even with all of Kydrun's scarring, it can ALL be covered with a t-shirt, even a tank top. His perfect little face was protected, his perfectly naughty little hands untouched. With everything that COULD have gone wrong; with the fact that that oil could have come off of the stove directly onto his face causing untold problems what an ENORMOUS blessing that although he suffered unimaginable pain, the healing was fast and seemingly short considering and he's still whole with nothing that can't be covered if he so chooses. Kydrun is a blessing in and of himself. He's the sweetest, most gentle child there
is. He's my kisser and my lover always giving me hugs and telling me he loves me. I feel sick inside when I think about the pain that my little baby had to suffer, but I feel SO grateful for the Lord, His infinite wisdom, infinite blessings that we don't even know we need. I am so grateful for the Priesthood and the amazing power that it has to make a potentially life-ending problem last only days with complete healing. I am thankful for the fact that Priesthood power was spread among his doctors, nurses, and nurses assistants. We're more than 4 years out of his burn now, he's healed beautifully and other than the scarring, perfectly. But I will never forget the many mini-miracles that I, and especially Kydrun, received during that most difficult and awful time.
Things
I was just putting on my Jammie's and started to think about some things that I just love for no reason imparticular, just love that they exist... Here's a list of some of them:
1. My Dr. Pepper Jammie bottoms.
2. My yellow polka-dotted bra (it's my happy little secret when I wear it)
3. The black 500 count Egyptian cotton sateen sheets on my bed.
4. Redbox
5. Brylin's shoes with the yellow shoelaces that I am forever tripping over.
6. The yellow Lego sunflowers the kids made me for Mother's Day.
7. My camera
8. When Asher (the ferret) gives me "Mama Kisses"
9. Dr. Pepper
10. My belt with the heart shaped belt buckle.
11. The purple Littlest Petshop ferret that I have in my car
12. My friends Mandi and Mo
13. Facebook (I am now friends with my very best friend from when I was a kid!)
14. Twinkies
15. Build A Bear's
1. My Dr. Pepper Jammie bottoms.
2. My yellow polka-dotted bra (it's my happy little secret when I wear it)
3. The black 500 count Egyptian cotton sateen sheets on my bed.
4. Redbox
5. Brylin's shoes with the yellow shoelaces that I am forever tripping over.
6. The yellow Lego sunflowers the kids made me for Mother's Day.
7. My camera
8. When Asher (the ferret) gives me "Mama Kisses"
9. Dr. Pepper
10. My belt with the heart shaped belt buckle.
11. The purple Littlest Petshop ferret that I have in my car
12. My friends Mandi and Mo
13. Facebook (I am now friends with my very best friend from when I was a kid!)
14. Twinkies
15. Build A Bear's
Men
I just got off the phone with a guy I met over the weekend. We spoke for nearly 3 hours. It was refreshing and honest. He shared things with me that made him uncomfortable in an effort to be real, honest and sincere. I appreciated his honesty very much. He told me about his marriage and it was so interesting to hear. His life ran parallel to mine only he was in the same shoes as WILL and not me. He was the one that had the world demanded of him by his ex-wife. What a difficult position to have been put it.
I've recently come to have a new empathy for men that I don't think I had before.
I really begun to realize how taken for granted men are just in general. I think that women have become empowered and "liberated" but at the same time have lost some of their sensitivity. At the same time that they are becoming "liberated" they have gained a new sense of entitlement. "I want my cake and to eat it too". It's an unfair stance for women to take. To a degree, through my illness, I took this stance within my marriage and even still sometimes do. Women want to be pampered, treated like queens and princesses, spoiled, doted on and taken care of. This is fair, but what is being given back? In a lot of circumstances, nothing. They want their men to work full-time, sometimes even two jobs to pay for them, their hobbies, their upkeep, their toys etc... expect them to help with housework, yard work, etc... (kids don't count cause they should help with the kids no matter what anyway) and the women aren't willing to dote, take care of or spoil their men. It's very one-sided. This new friend of mine's wife went to work every morning, which is more than I could say for me, but she expected her husband to get up after not getting home until 3am, to get the kids fed, ready for and taken to school, do the house work, work a full time job. When she would get home, she'd do nothing including denying any advances for affection that he made. Then SHE leaves him. Where is this fair? Is this the norm? In my marriage, I was the evil wife who demanded and gave nothing back with the exception that I DIDN'T have a job as an excuse. I stayed home all day long and just simply demanded.
This new perspective that has come to me through the clearing of my fog and the somewhat calming of my brain has really made me appreciate men, what they do, what they're willing to do for their wives, their families. I have always appreciated Will and all he's done, but even to talk to this new friend has made me appreciate Will all the more. Will works SOOO hard every single day, and he still does, to afford ME the opportunity to stay at home and the raise the kids. He works like a dog, including 24 hour shifts sometimes at the cabinet shop, just so that we can have whatever WE want. I don't envy men, I don't envy the great sense of responsibility they feel about the care and upkeep of their family. I never knew until Will and I separated how devastated he was, and how he felt like a failure when we sold our house. I felt complete relief to be rid of it, but he felt like he'd let us down and carried the guilt of that for years. He never ever let us down and I feel bad that he ever felt that way.
,
I'll never understand men. But I do appreciate them. I appreciate their strength their fortitude, their willingness to work so hard. I vow, as a woman, to be sure that all of the men in my life know that I DO appreciate them and that whenever there is an opportunity to serve THEM and to take care of THEM, I will take it, revel in it and enjoy every moment of it.
Thank you for all you do Guys ... All of you.
I've recently come to have a new empathy for men that I don't think I had before.
I really begun to realize how taken for granted men are just in general. I think that women have become empowered and "liberated" but at the same time have lost some of their sensitivity. At the same time that they are becoming "liberated" they have gained a new sense of entitlement. "I want my cake and to eat it too". It's an unfair stance for women to take. To a degree, through my illness, I took this stance within my marriage and even still sometimes do. Women want to be pampered, treated like queens and princesses, spoiled, doted on and taken care of. This is fair, but what is being given back? In a lot of circumstances, nothing. They want their men to work full-time, sometimes even two jobs to pay for them, their hobbies, their upkeep, their toys etc... expect them to help with housework, yard work, etc... (kids don't count cause they should help with the kids no matter what anyway) and the women aren't willing to dote, take care of or spoil their men. It's very one-sided. This new friend of mine's wife went to work every morning, which is more than I could say for me, but she expected her husband to get up after not getting home until 3am, to get the kids fed, ready for and taken to school, do the house work, work a full time job. When she would get home, she'd do nothing including denying any advances for affection that he made. Then SHE leaves him. Where is this fair? Is this the norm? In my marriage, I was the evil wife who demanded and gave nothing back with the exception that I DIDN'T have a job as an excuse. I stayed home all day long and just simply demanded.
This new perspective that has come to me through the clearing of my fog and the somewhat calming of my brain has really made me appreciate men, what they do, what they're willing to do for their wives, their families. I have always appreciated Will and all he's done, but even to talk to this new friend has made me appreciate Will all the more. Will works SOOO hard every single day, and he still does, to afford ME the opportunity to stay at home and the raise the kids. He works like a dog, including 24 hour shifts sometimes at the cabinet shop, just so that we can have whatever WE want. I don't envy men, I don't envy the great sense of responsibility they feel about the care and upkeep of their family. I never knew until Will and I separated how devastated he was, and how he felt like a failure when we sold our house. I felt complete relief to be rid of it, but he felt like he'd let us down and carried the guilt of that for years. He never ever let us down and I feel bad that he ever felt that way. ,
I'll never understand men. But I do appreciate them. I appreciate their strength their fortitude, their willingness to work so hard. I vow, as a woman, to be sure that all of the men in my life know that I DO appreciate them and that whenever there is an opportunity to serve THEM and to take care of THEM, I will take it, revel in it and enjoy every moment of it. Thank you for all you do Guys ... All of you.
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