I am not sure how I feel. I'm not sure what to feel. I am so torn in pieces that I have lost track of what's what. I feel empty, I feel drained and mostly I feel guilty.
I love Will, with all of my heart. I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him. He's my HUSBAND, I don't care what that damn piece of paper says. He's been mine for 9 years. I've loved him with everything I am down to the marrow in my bones since before I ever even knew he was alive. I had to go all the way to Ohio to find him. I don't want to face my life without him. I am lonely, I am afraid.
I need to talk to Her. I need to tell her. Everytime I am with Will, intimately or otherwise, I just can't shake the guilt that I have become the Other Woman. I feel so awful inside. I have gone against who I am as a person, against my own morals and values ... against my very nature. But he's my husband ... I'm conflicted. How am I just suppose to turn that part of me off? Where is the switch I need to flip to shut him off?? I've written her a thousand emails, a thousand text messages and I generally either send them to myself or to Janice and they just get deleted. I have begged him over and over to tell her. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. He's doing to her what he did to me and I am allowing it. I've become that which I hate and I hate myself for it. I would tell her myself but I cannot risk the relationship that he and I have because of what it would do to the kids. I've got to tell her to be careful.
I'm worried about her son and a little bit irritated at the same time. I called him the other day and he surprisingly answered, he doesn't usually when he's with her. I heard her in the background say "Take it to Daddy" WHAT?!! Are you KIDDING ME?! She's got that baby calling Will DADDY. What is going to happen if it doesn't work out (and it's not going to, I already know that)?! That baby is going to be CRUSHED. This is not to mention MY children. How are they going to feel that THEIR Daddy is ALWAYS with her and her son and he's calling THEIR DADDY Daddy. I know exactly how they're going to feel, HURT and replaced. Just like he did.
I need to stop sleeping with him. It's complicating my relationship with him, it's complicating his relationship with her and it's complicating my relationship with myself. I don't like going against myself. Why's it always about sex? Our relationship was founded on sex. Sex was an issue when I was in my fog because I didn't want to be touchd, ever, so he found someone who did (I still hate her). When he came home it was all different, but by then it wasn't enough but it's still a damn issue.
I'm so irritated with myself, so angry. Why have I allowed myself to become the other woman? Waiting for him to call? Wanting to call but not being able to because I know he's at "home". Having him sneak over on his lunch hour, helping him concoct stories so he can come over at other times... what have I become? And what's worse is that even though I don't like her much, I still don't think she deserves this. I've tried to tell her, I sent her an email a while ago that said something like "I don't like that he lies to you, and he still is". I was hoping that she'd catch it. I even send texts to his phone about him telling "her we're still sleeping together" hoping that she'd be nosey like I was and read them. No such luck apparently.
I don't know what to do. I hate myself right now.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My Poetry
I added a link to my poetry blog if you're interested. The link is right there under "Links" to the right and is titled MY POETRY. Kind of obvious, I know.
Obama's Speech
My fellow citizens:
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms.
At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.
Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.
Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began.
Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.
We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.
Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.
The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.
Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.
They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan.
With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers.
We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.
To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains.
They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the fire fighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old.
These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come.
Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
**I'm not really sure about how I feel about this speech. I'm not a predjudice person, I care nothing for the color of a person's skin or from where a person is from ... HOWEVER, his speech has the undertone's of racism in them. Mentioning of course HIS race's history and how hard HIS race worked, sweat and toiled under the whip. I'm irritated by it.
I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.
Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms.
At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.
That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.
Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.
Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.
On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.
On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.
In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.
Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.
For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.
For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.
For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.
This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began.
Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together.
We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.
What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.
Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.
Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.
The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.
As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations.
Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.
They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.
We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan.
With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.
For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers.
We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.
To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy.
To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.
As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains.
They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.
For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the fire fighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.
Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old.
These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.
This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.
This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.
So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."
America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come.
Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
**I'm not really sure about how I feel about this speech. I'm not a predjudice person, I care nothing for the color of a person's skin or from where a person is from ... HOWEVER, his speech has the undertone's of racism in them. Mentioning of course HIS race's history and how hard HIS race worked, sweat and toiled under the whip. I'm irritated by it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Devistation
It was a whirlwind that's left me with whiplash and I'm still dizzy. I knew, I KNEW it was over before he did. As soon as he started his second job, I knew. Within 6 weeks of it we were back to our "before marriage". The "after marriage" was virtually perfect in every way; at least to me it was. We went back to the "before marriage" communication of "What's wrong Honey?" "Nothing, I'm fine." I knew, I knew then it was over. But I was still surprised when he said "I'm not happy"; I was even more surprised when two weeks after he said that he said "Just fill out the papers, let's file" and even more surprised when two weeks after that he moved out of my bed and into the bed of his non-existent girlfriend, two days after we filed. 19 days later the divorce is final, on Christmas Eve. I hate Christmas. God, I hate Christmas. He says "I am just not meant to be married." We talk and text all day everyday. He'd let me believe he wasn't that happy, that that they fought a lot (which they do, I'm a witness!) and when I'd ask if they were getting married, he'd say "If we can work things out, but we've got a lot to settle first." His excuse for letting me believe this? Because he didn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. We've never stopped sleeping together ... twice just yesterday. It's been 3 weeks since our divorce was final and he just told me that he's going to marry her. Why am I surprised AGAIN? Why am I up at 1am crying over a man who has continually used me, taken advantage of my fragile feelings and heart, continually lied to and rejected me? Why do I care? Why does this hurt so bad? Everyone keeps telling me that it takes time. F*ck Time!! I need it to stop NOW. I thought he wasn't marriage material??? Yet here he is getting remarried to a woman he has only known for 3 months, moved in with after only knowing her for 1 month and that he fights with constantly. When do I get to stand up, dust off my knees and open my eyes again?? He's crushed me to nothing and I've allowed it. I've allowed this to happen because I'm STUPID. WHY AM I SO STUPID!!??? Why would I believe that he actually gave a flying f*ck about me??? About my feelings?? Oh, I don't know, maybe because he SAID he did? Maybe because he holds me when I cry, he kisses my cheek and my forehead and my nose and my ears. Maybe because he always is so tender and gentle and saying he's sorry. He KNEW, he KNEW he was planning on marrying her yet he let me put myself out there for him AGAIN. I LET HIM!! I let him lie to me, I let him use his magic to put stardust in my eyes and delude me. I LET HIM DO THIS TO ME!! He keeps saying he's sorry for hurting me and I keep saying he didn't, I did this to myself. I DID DO THIS TO MYSELF! What was I THINKING?!! It's only been 3 weeks. Only 3 weeks since the end of my life as I knew it. And I'm being told that my husband is marrying someone else. How much more am I suppose to take?? How much more pain can I possibly bear??
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Progress
So it's been a few days since I've posted. I've had a lot to say, but just haven't had the gumption to say it. Been going through a mild depression I think, well ... I know. I'm working on getting out of it though.
So I've made some new scriptural discoveries that pertain to my life. In 1 Ne. 8 Nephi is recounting Lehi's vision of the tree. He says in Vs. 15 "...I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me..." He desired so strongly that his family be with him. I feel this way about the kids. I worry that my beckoning will go unheeded or worse, if I get lost along the way that I cannot lead them, or beckon to them at all. What kind of example would I be? Anyway, In vs. 21 he says it for the first time, "And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which lead unto the tree by which I stood." Did you catch it? Try vs. 24 "And it came to pas that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree." There it is again. PRESSING. CLINGING. Given the way that Nephi had to "engrave" his plates, the use of verbs would not be something he'd do lightly. These people were PRESSING, as if they were walking headlong into a tornado blowing the opposite direction, and CLINGING if it were the only way to save their lives. They weren't walking, they weren't strolling and they weren't holding; they were pressing and clinging. He says it again in vs. 30 "...they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree." They fell down when it was all over; Were they Relieved? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? Probably all of the above. And poor Lehi, he begged his sons, "...with all the feeling of a tender parent..." that they would partake. Then, he set them free. Vs. 38 "... he bade them to keep the commandments of the Lord; and he did cease speaking unto them." I know how that is, I know how that feels ... I have ceased speaking.
Another lesson is in chapter 9. Nephi is instructed to make these plates he's writing on, but isn't sure why, "...The Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." It's interesting to me that the Lord makes commands without explanation. Okay, let me clarify how this strikes me. I don't believe that the Lord designed or commanded or anything remotely relating to the demise of my marriage. I believe that we were on the right path and took one or two missteps that took us miles and miles off course. I don't think that was eternally designed. Okay, so my point: He has a wise purpose. No, he may not have DESIGNED it, but he KNEW it was going to happen with each mistake that we made along the way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it makes sense in my head. Anyway, the scripture that hits home is vs. 6, "But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words..." So he KNEW and because he knew as we took each misstep he prepared a way for me to accomplish HIS works; not MY works; not the works of the Saffords. HIS works and through accomplishing HIS works, my works would be accomplished as well. He knew, he cared and he designed a way out of it for me. As in Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father." It is often cited as an example of God's awareness of every life, no matter how small. No matter how small. That always struck me as a missionary; in fact I'd point it out to people when telling them story of the First Vision. The Lord came to Joseph Smith, who was literally a child, and he CALLED HIM BY NAME. He knew this child, not JUST because he was destined to be the first prophet of the last dispensation, but because Joseph was HIS child. I deserve that too. I have a very dear friend who lives in Australia that I talk to from time to time and email once in awhile and during a phone conversation a week or so ago he was telling me about some books he'd read and some things he'd learned. What he'd learned? That we're all children of God. A very simple truth. I am a child of God and therefore am worthy of and deserving of His love and His concern. In addition, it means that I am divine as His child, and I have Divine worth. How could a person forget that they have divine worth?
Anyway, back to Verb usage by Nephi: In chapter 10:17 he says, "...by the power of the Holy Ghost, which is the gift of God unto all those who diligently seek him..." Vs. 19, "he that diligently seeketh shall find..." It's a similar vein, at least to me as the scripture in James 2:17 "Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." You can't have forgiveness without repentance; faith without works; answers without prayer. If I do not DILIGENTLY seek, I shall not find. Diligently.
Last night I went to an LDS Singles dance. It was weird. For the first while I stood upstairs watching over the balcony. I made the mistake of telling Janice that I thought a guy was cute, so she turned around and introduced herself to him and the moved on to visiting with his friend and left me to talk to "Chad". I can list on both hands the number of blunders I made in conversing with him, but he's from California and was here on a vacation so no harm, no foul. I was able to hook up with one of my former mission companions, Sister Peterson, NKA Dilya. She's awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It took a bit of time to get out of my proverbial shell and actually get on the dance floor. Once I was there I remembered how much I really enjoyed dancing. I met some really fantastic guys and Janice and I had a great time. We're looking forward to going again.
So I've made some new scriptural discoveries that pertain to my life. In 1 Ne. 8 Nephi is recounting Lehi's vision of the tree. He says in Vs. 15 "...I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me..." He desired so strongly that his family be with him. I feel this way about the kids. I worry that my beckoning will go unheeded or worse, if I get lost along the way that I cannot lead them, or beckon to them at all. What kind of example would I be? Anyway, In vs. 21 he says it for the first time, "And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which lead unto the tree by which I stood." Did you catch it? Try vs. 24 "And it came to pas that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree." There it is again. PRESSING. CLINGING. Given the way that Nephi had to "engrave" his plates, the use of verbs would not be something he'd do lightly. These people were PRESSING, as if they were walking headlong into a tornado blowing the opposite direction, and CLINGING if it were the only way to save their lives. They weren't walking, they weren't strolling and they weren't holding; they were pressing and clinging. He says it again in vs. 30 "...they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree." They fell down when it was all over; Were they Relieved? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? Probably all of the above. And poor Lehi, he begged his sons, "...with all the feeling of a tender parent..." that they would partake. Then, he set them free. Vs. 38 "... he bade them to keep the commandments of the Lord; and he did cease speaking unto them." I know how that is, I know how that feels ... I have ceased speaking.
Another lesson is in chapter 9. Nephi is instructed to make these plates he's writing on, but isn't sure why, "...The Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." It's interesting to me that the Lord makes commands without explanation. Okay, let me clarify how this strikes me. I don't believe that the Lord designed or commanded or anything remotely relating to the demise of my marriage. I believe that we were on the right path and took one or two missteps that took us miles and miles off course. I don't think that was eternally designed. Okay, so my point: He has a wise purpose. No, he may not have DESIGNED it, but he KNEW it was going to happen with each mistake that we made along the way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it makes sense in my head. Anyway, the scripture that hits home is vs. 6, "But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words..." So he KNEW and because he knew as we took each misstep he prepared a way for me to accomplish HIS works; not MY works; not the works of the Saffords. HIS works and through accomplishing HIS works, my works would be accomplished as well. He knew, he cared and he designed a way out of it for me. As in Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father." It is often cited as an example of God's awareness of every life, no matter how small. No matter how small. That always struck me as a missionary; in fact I'd point it out to people when telling them story of the First Vision. The Lord came to Joseph Smith, who was literally a child, and he CALLED HIM BY NAME. He knew this child, not JUST because he was destined to be the first prophet of the last dispensation, but because Joseph was HIS child. I deserve that too. I have a very dear friend who lives in Australia that I talk to from time to time and email once in awhile and during a phone conversation a week or so ago he was telling me about some books he'd read and some things he'd learned. What he'd learned? That we're all children of God. A very simple truth. I am a child of God and therefore am worthy of and deserving of His love and His concern. In addition, it means that I am divine as His child, and I have Divine worth. How could a person forget that they have divine worth?
Anyway, back to Verb usage by Nephi: In chapter 10:17 he says, "...by the power of the Holy Ghost, which is the gift of God unto all those who diligently seek him..." Vs. 19, "he that diligently seeketh shall find..." It's a similar vein, at least to me as the scripture in James 2:17 "Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." You can't have forgiveness without repentance; faith without works; answers without prayer. If I do not DILIGENTLY seek, I shall not find. Diligently.
Last night I went to an LDS Singles dance. It was weird. For the first while I stood upstairs watching over the balcony. I made the mistake of telling Janice that I thought a guy was cute, so she turned around and introduced herself to him and the moved on to visiting with his friend and left me to talk to "Chad". I can list on both hands the number of blunders I made in conversing with him, but he's from California and was here on a vacation so no harm, no foul. I was able to hook up with one of my former mission companions, Sister Peterson, NKA Dilya. She's awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It took a bit of time to get out of my proverbial shell and actually get on the dance floor. Once I was there I remembered how much I really enjoyed dancing. I met some really fantastic guys and Janice and I had a great time. We're looking forward to going again.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
PostSecret
PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Exhausted
Humpty Dumpty had a great life,
Humpty Dumpty was a good wife.
She was so happy and so in love,
With a man she was forced to let go of.
Her heart was broken as she cried,
And she tried to forget the times that he lied.
Although they tried, all of her family and her friends
Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.
Humpty Dumpty was a good wife.
She was so happy and so in love,
With a man she was forced to let go of.
Her heart was broken as she cried,
And she tried to forget the times that he lied.
Although they tried, all of her family and her friends
Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.
Kimberly Safford 01/14/2009
I got to go over and visit an old friend last night, Coral and her boyfriend, whom I've also known a long time, Peter. I hadn't seen Coral or Peter since I left on my mission except once or twice since I got home. So it's been 10 years or so since I'd seen them. I had some reservations, some apprehension about going but but I forced myself out the door because I knew if I didn't go I never would. I need to get over my fears of new things. Anyway, I was SO happy to see them again and SO relieved because they haven't changed AT ALL. It was so fun to watch Coral tell her stories, she used the same hand gestures, the same voice fluctuations, the same facial expressions. Peter was the same easy going guy as always. I am so glad I went and so glad to see them again.
Will had parent time with the kids last night while I went on my visit. I got home after the kids were already in bed, about 8:45 or 9. I will never understand the magic that he has because by 8:45 or 9 I'm at my wits end trying to get them to actually GET INTO bed, let alone getting them to actually be asleep. We sat and had a fantastic talk during which I had some revelations. Will has taken upon himself 100% of the responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He believes that if he hadn't gone forth and got the house (which I wanted) that we probably would have been okay in the long run. He said that he made a wrong choice which started the ball rolling in the wrong direction. I, on the other hand, am forever the martyr and firmly believe that the demise of our marriage rests squarely upon my shoulders. I feel like regardless of where we lived I was going to go down one way or the other. It feels terrible to be able to look back at the mistakes, the wrong steps, no matter how small and see how largely they took us off track.
A moment to whine: I just want my life back.
I haven't slept well for quite some time. I'm averaging about 3-4 hours a night. Sometimes I'm able to lay down and take a nap with the kids in the afternoon, but usually I just lie there with my mind churning. I'm really, really tired.
I didn't walk yesterday. I got up to go and couldn't find my shoes anywhere. I finally found them under an overturned basket of laundry that Brylin knocked off my bed the night before. I did take my vitamins and I did drink a lot of water. Over all it was a fairly good day, I got a lot accomplished.
When Will came over I had dinner prepared. We had venison steak, potatoes, sauteed mushrooms and asparagus. While I sat there and ate I looked around at the messes on the floor, the kids shoes, coats, books, toys, etc... and realized I didn't care. He always took issue with my lack of house cleaning skills but he doesn't realize that I live with three tornado's that can trash a room in 5 seconds. What he also doesn't realize is the fact that the living room WAS clean the night before and Brylin actually trashed it during the day. But, I didn't care what he thought. I could have had the kids clean it up but instead, I kicked them out and made them go play outsides. A decision I'm not sorry for. I still made the habitual "Oh Sorry about the mess" comments, but inside, I really didn't care anything about it except that it irritated ME. While he was here there was a VERY noticeable gap between us. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I tried to just accept that that is how it is when people divorce but it was too hard. I excused myself to the bedroom where I tried to keep myself composed, but he followed me knowing that I wasn't okay. He noticed it too, and was as uncomfortable with it as I was. So he hugged me to close the gap, and it worked. At moments, I miss my *husband* but MOSTLY, I just miss my friend. I'm so glad he knows me well enough to know when I'm not okay, to know when I need him and need a hug.
This morning I got up at 5:30 and after a brief confrontation with Kydrun about him being out of bed and into things he shouldn't be into, I went down to the fitness center and walked for 20 minutes. 20 boring minutes that seemed like an eternity. I came home, got Kydrun and Jade in the shower, after another brief confrontation with Kydrun about his distaste for breakfast. While they were showering and getting dressed I made breakfast, scrambled eggs, toast, bacon, milk and some orange segments. It's 8am, the kids are dressed and ready for school and we're on our way out the door. So far, a good day.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Lifeblood
This morning I woke up at 5:15 when Will sent a text to me. Apparently my other blog was being distributed via email to EVERYONE in my address book. I knew a few people knew about my blog, but I wasn't aware that it was going to EVERYBODY, which included my 
daughter school teacher, my boss, a couple of my in-laws and of course, HER. She called Will about it, and he in turn called me. Thus is the reason that I have changed my blog. Fortunately for me, and for Will, we were able to get through it as grown-ups, which is monumental if you ask me. Having a history of being immature, I thought we handled it well. I went a little over board by deleting everything, but I didn't know how it was being distributed and I didn't want it going to her so this is better for me. Plus it looks cool. :) So Will and I are still okay. There was a noticeable difference when he stopped by earlier but we established what that was and were able to get over it. One thing I fear is losing his friendship and the closeness that we have. He's been my best friend all these years and I don't want to lose that.
ANYWAY ... moving on. Last night while Janice was here visiting we talked about losing weight, going to the gym, taking diet pills and several other things. She is a very confident girl and very sure of herself, I wish I had that in myself. I'm thankful for her. She gave me a to-do list to get started on my road to weight loss and personal Independence. The first thing is to walk for 20 minutes on an empty stomach. Take some vitamins that I bought like a year ago that I never took. Do 25 squats (yea right). Drink 4 8 oz glasses of water and only eat when I'm actually hungry. I gave her a to-do list of reading 5 scriptures from the BoM a day since she's quite anti-religion. It'd be a learning experience for both of us. So this morning I had my alarm set to wake me up at 5:40am so the text Will sent was a good thing, it got me moving earlier. I went out and walked around the outside perimeter of my apartment complex and it took me 17 minutes. I came home, took my vitamins and made the kids breakfast. I was actually hungry, which is a switch for me, so I ate a half of an orange and a quarter cup of milk (that's all we had left!). I had the kids up, fed and dressed before 7:30! I was doing AWESOME. I've had about 60oz. of water today and despite a couple of bumps off the wagon I haven't had much Dr. Pepper since the first of the year. I haven't done the squats. They're intimidating and they hurt!
The biggest difference I noticed is the fact that today was peaceful again, despite the upset about my blog, the verbiage and content. How blind I've been to a lesson that I learned as a missionary: READ YOUR SCRIPTURES EVERY DAY. I KNEW it as a missionary, so how did I forget?? Reading my scriptures last night is what made the difference in my day today. In fact, I'm heading to bed in about 5 minutes and am going to read some more so I am prepared for tomorrow!!! Exercising is good, vitamins are good, rest is great (dr. pepper is AWESOME!) But the Scriptures are my lifeblood.
On another note about my Jade. Today she came to me and said "Mom, I'm stressed" I asked her why and she said, "Because Daddy isn't here." I asked her why this made her stressed and her reply?! "It is because it's easier to do homework with Dad because he's like me, ya know, kinda smart. It's hard to do homework with you because you're not much help. Well, I mean not that you don't help but you're not that smart. It's hard to do homework with a not smart mom." Even as I write this I'm cracking up. She makes me laugh.
daughter school teacher, my boss, a couple of my in-laws and of course, HER. She called Will about it, and he in turn called me. Thus is the reason that I have changed my blog. Fortunately for me, and for Will, we were able to get through it as grown-ups, which is monumental if you ask me. Having a history of being immature, I thought we handled it well. I went a little over board by deleting everything, but I didn't know how it was being distributed and I didn't want it going to her so this is better for me. Plus it looks cool. :) So Will and I are still okay. There was a noticeable difference when he stopped by earlier but we established what that was and were able to get over it. One thing I fear is losing his friendship and the closeness that we have. He's been my best friend all these years and I don't want to lose that.ANYWAY ... moving on. Last night while Janice was here visiting we talked about losing weight, going to the gym, taking diet pills and several other things. She is a very confident girl and very sure of herself, I wish I had that in myself. I'm thankful for her. She gave me a to-do list to get started on my road to weight loss and personal Independence. The first thing is to walk for 20 minutes on an empty stomach. Take some vitamins that I bought like a year ago that I never took. Do 25 squats (yea right). Drink 4 8 oz glasses of water and only eat when I'm actually hungry. I gave her a to-do list of reading 5 scriptures from the BoM a day since she's quite anti-religion. It'd be a learning experience for both of us. So this morning I had my alarm set to wake me up at 5:40am so the text Will sent was a good thing, it got me moving earlier. I went out and walked around the outside perimeter of my apartment complex and it took me 17 minutes. I came home, took my vitamins and made the kids breakfast. I was actually hungry, which is a switch for me, so I ate a half of an orange and a quarter cup of milk (that's all we had left!). I had the kids up, fed and dressed before 7:30! I was doing AWESOME. I've had about 60oz. of water today and despite a couple of bumps off the wagon I haven't had much Dr. Pepper since the first of the year. I haven't done the squats. They're intimidating and they hurt!
The biggest difference I noticed is the fact that today was peaceful again, despite the upset about my blog, the verbiage and content. How blind I've been to a lesson that I learned as a missionary: READ YOUR SCRIPTURES EVERY DAY. I KNEW it as a missionary, so how did I forget?? Reading my scriptures last night is what made the difference in my day today. In fact, I'm heading to bed in about 5 minutes and am going to read some more so I am prepared for tomorrow!!! Exercising is good, vitamins are good, rest is great (dr. pepper is AWESOME!) But the Scriptures are my lifeblood.
I want this to be my new look, think I can pull it off or am I smoking another pipe dream? I do a lot of that these days.
On another note about my Jade. Today she came to me and said "Mom, I'm stressed" I asked her why and she said, "Because Daddy isn't here." I asked her why this made her stressed and her reply?! "It is because it's easier to do homework with Dad because he's like me, ya know, kinda smart. It's hard to do homework with you because you're not much help. Well, I mean not that you don't help but you're not that smart. It's hard to do homework with a not smart mom." Even as I write this I'm cracking up. She makes me laugh.
History
It has been brought to my attention by someone I love and respect that my blog has been very one sided. It makes it sound like I'm being trampled on and hurt for no reason. I'd like to set the record straight if I may:
The first year of my marriage to Will was great. With one exception of living with my parents which proved fatal for the relationship between he and my mother. We had a gorgeous baby girl who he worshipped (and still does ), we got a house ... everything was perfect. When I got pregnant with Kydrun things started to quickly go down hill. It was an extremely difficult pregnancy and after I had him I got what I believe was post-pardum depression. No big deal right? Wrong. On top of already being an untreated manic depressive, the post-pardum and the hormones from the pregnancy sent me into a very fast downward spiral. The week that Kydrun was born Will was working 3 jobs, one full time and 2 part time. About a month after Kydrun was born he quit one of the part time jobs and picked up more hours at the other.
In my mind I knew I was going down but I was always taught that my depression was a choice that I made. So each morning I'd wake up and lie in bed for a moment and plan my day; "Today I'm going to clean the house, do the laundry and get dinner made for Will. Today I am going to make a different choice." I'd get downstairs and it would all fall apart. The only way to describe what I would see is to compare it to looking through a prism. One pair of shoes on the floor suddenly looked like 30 and it quickly got overwhelming and I found myself completely incapacitated. I'd go to bed every single night feeling like a complete failure because I got NOTHING done and had no idea where my day had actually even gone.
During this time Will was my savior, my keeper, my babysitter, my parent. He would get up at 4:30 or 5am, have to wear underwear and clothes that had been molded because I'd have great intentions and get them into the washer but not dry them for 3 or 4 days. He never said a word about it. He would have to make his lunch for his day and then go work hard at a physically challenging job. He'd come home at 4, have to clean the kitchen and do the dishes in order to fix dinner for the family because otherwise, none of us would eat. He'd have to go switch the laundry around and then dig through the piles of laundry on the couch and floor in the family room to find a wrinkled shirt and pair of pants to wear to job #2, where he'd go at 5pm and work until Midnight. He'd ride his bike to work since it was fairly close and so he wouldn't get home until 12:30 or so. Also during this time, I NEVER wanted to be touched, by ANYONE in any way. I didn't want to hold hands because it felt like my hand was big and swollen and it felt weird, I didn't want to be hugged or anything else so I continually rejected Will's attempts at comfort, reassurance and love ...over and over and over. This went on for YEARS with only two major changes: 1. I got noticeably worse, 2. Kydrun got burned and I had no choice but to act. For 6 years this is how our marriage was. Will loved me through it all, put up with my depression, me being incapacitated, rejecting him, working like a dog at two jobs to make ends meet (since I wasn't able to keep a job) and being the mother and father for our kids as well as the mother and father for his wife. He worked so hard, he sacrificed so much and never in all of that time did he say a word about it. But, he got tired, as any of us would. That is when he started to divorce me. He has been going through the emotional divorce process for a very long time. He went through the sadness and depression, the mourning of the loss of his feelings for me and our future, the anger that he's given so very much and gotten literally nothing in return. He went through all of this for a couple of years. THAT is why we are where we are now.
The thing that I am struggling the most with is the fact that it wasn't until I got properly medicated in April of 2007 that I finally came out of my fog. I was finally able to be a functional human being, a functional wife and mother. I was finally able to love Will the way he deserved to be loved, to take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care. The problem: it was too late. He had already emotionally divorced me. That is what is the hardest for me to take I think. I only got 18 months to love properly. I only got 18 months of an 8 year marriage to actually be a wife.
Will has been great in helping me through all of this with great understanding. I was unfair in saying that I thought he'd lost patience with me. Just having a grandiose pity party.
Will was a wonderful and fantastic husband whom I greatly respect and appreciate. That's part of why, well, it's mostly why I wish everyone would just back off of him. He gave and gave until he nearly bled to make sure I was happy. He gave me everything I wanted and took such good care of me. I'm just sorry I didn't give as much to him as he did to me for all of those years.
The first year of my marriage to Will was great. With one exception of living with my parents which proved fatal for the relationship between he and my mother. We had a gorgeous baby girl who he worshipped (and still does ), we got a house ... everything was perfect. When I got pregnant with Kydrun things started to quickly go down hill. It was an extremely difficult pregnancy and after I had him I got what I believe was post-pardum depression. No big deal right? Wrong. On top of already being an untreated manic depressive, the post-pardum and the hormones from the pregnancy sent me into a very fast downward spiral. The week that Kydrun was born Will was working 3 jobs, one full time and 2 part time. About a month after Kydrun was born he quit one of the part time jobs and picked up more hours at the other.
In my mind I knew I was going down but I was always taught that my depression was a choice that I made. So each morning I'd wake up and lie in bed for a moment and plan my day; "Today I'm going to clean the house, do the laundry and get dinner made for Will. Today I am going to make a different choice." I'd get downstairs and it would all fall apart. The only way to describe what I would see is to compare it to looking through a prism. One pair of shoes on the floor suddenly looked like 30 and it quickly got overwhelming and I found myself completely incapacitated. I'd go to bed every single night feeling like a complete failure because I got NOTHING done and had no idea where my day had actually even gone.
During this time Will was my savior, my keeper, my babysitter, my parent. He would get up at 4:30 or 5am, have to wear underwear and clothes that had been molded because I'd have great intentions and get them into the washer but not dry them for 3 or 4 days. He never said a word about it. He would have to make his lunch for his day and then go work hard at a physically challenging job. He'd come home at 4, have to clean the kitchen and do the dishes in order to fix dinner for the family because otherwise, none of us would eat. He'd have to go switch the laundry around and then dig through the piles of laundry on the couch and floor in the family room to find a wrinkled shirt and pair of pants to wear to job #2, where he'd go at 5pm and work until Midnight. He'd ride his bike to work since it was fairly close and so he wouldn't get home until 12:30 or so. Also during this time, I NEVER wanted to be touched, by ANYONE in any way. I didn't want to hold hands because it felt like my hand was big and swollen and it felt weird, I didn't want to be hugged or anything else so I continually rejected Will's attempts at comfort, reassurance and love ...over and over and over. This went on for YEARS with only two major changes: 1. I got noticeably worse, 2. Kydrun got burned and I had no choice but to act. For 6 years this is how our marriage was. Will loved me through it all, put up with my depression, me being incapacitated, rejecting him, working like a dog at two jobs to make ends meet (since I wasn't able to keep a job) and being the mother and father for our kids as well as the mother and father for his wife. He worked so hard, he sacrificed so much and never in all of that time did he say a word about it. But, he got tired, as any of us would. That is when he started to divorce me. He has been going through the emotional divorce process for a very long time. He went through the sadness and depression, the mourning of the loss of his feelings for me and our future, the anger that he's given so very much and gotten literally nothing in return. He went through all of this for a couple of years. THAT is why we are where we are now.
The thing that I am struggling the most with is the fact that it wasn't until I got properly medicated in April of 2007 that I finally came out of my fog. I was finally able to be a functional human being, a functional wife and mother. I was finally able to love Will the way he deserved to be loved, to take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care. The problem: it was too late. He had already emotionally divorced me. That is what is the hardest for me to take I think. I only got 18 months to love properly. I only got 18 months of an 8 year marriage to actually be a wife.
Will has been great in helping me through all of this with great understanding. I was unfair in saying that I thought he'd lost patience with me. Just having a grandiose pity party.
Will was a wonderful and fantastic husband whom I greatly respect and appreciate. That's part of why, well, it's mostly why I wish everyone would just back off of him. He gave and gave until he nearly bled to make sure I was happy. He gave me everything I wanted and took such good care of me. I'm just sorry I didn't give as much to him as he did to me for all of those years.
I Stood
So my phenomenally bad day that started on Friday night and didn't get any better has mildly improved. I'm hoping and praying that it will be better tomorrow.I have surpassed denial. I'm not sure if I'm in mourning, it sure feels like mourning and I'm even a little angry but not at Will. PROGRESS. Although, I think Will has forgotten what we learned in our divorce class. The man said that the spouse who INITIATES the divorce will ALWAYS be farther ahead in their process than the other because the initiating spouse had warning while the other was blindsided. Will has already been through his process, years ago. I've just started mine and I have a long ways to go. BUT ... I'm making progress. He's just losing his patience with it.
So I'm still reading in the BoM. I'm on Chapter 7 of 1 Nephi. I started it expecting to just breeze through it since there isn't any real pertinence to me. I got to vs. 8 where Nephi asks L & L about why he has to be the example for his older brothers. I read it thinking it was about Will and me. Why do I have to be the example for Will since he was the priesthood holder and patriarch of our family? I got to vs. 13 and started down through 14 and 15 and realized that those vs. weren't about Will at all ... they were about me. "...how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." 13, 14, & 15 are talking about them returning to Jerusalem ... which in personal interpretation means Will to me. Vs. 15 "Now behold, I say unto you that if ye will return unto [Will] ye shall also perish with [him]." Then in vs. 20 they were sorrowful and repentant and plead for forgiveness. Nephi is so funny. He did "frankly forgive them". That is how I feel about my Will. I have frankly forgiven him for all he has done that has affected me. It is not my place to judge him. "I [would] exhort [him] that [he] would pray unto the Lord [his] God for forgiveness." I wish that my family could get that. That is part of why I'm not very angry. I mean, I haven't really hit anger yet, but I'm not sure I ever will. He made his choices, he did his thing, and his choices have directly affected my life. It's possible that there is a lesson in this that I must learn. It is possible that the lesson is not for me, but for him. But, I digress. I wish that my family could understand the concept of forgiveness. He did what he did, it's not my place, or theirs, to be angry at and judge him. It's our place as fellow children of God, and his FAMILY, to LOVE HIM and forgive him and let God do the rest. I just wish he'd turn to God and repent. *shrug* But, I still digress from my point. I found it interesting that I was reading something that I thought had no bearing on my life and found that it was very directly related to my very own behaviors, my very own wishes and desires. I very much desire to go back to Will, to get back what we had. That isn't possible, it will never be possible. If I were to take him back now, with his life the way it is right now, I'd be jumping onto a sinking ship. The best thing for me, and for my children is to stay on the ship that is afloat and hold tight to the rope that has the life preserver attached that we have thrown to Will. That life preserver will always be in the water for him, but it's up to him to grab it. But I will not go in after him.
I still don't want to be divorced. I still hate every moment of this. I still cry and I still want. But thankfully my scripture reading has given me the answer to that as well: vs. 17 "... Oh Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me... give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound." vs. 18 "... the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood..."
And I stood.
Rascall Flatts - STAND
"When push comes to shove you taste what you're made of.
You might bend till you break cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough.
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off
THEN YOU STAND."
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Emotions
For some reason I have yet to explain to myself I let myself have emotions. Emotions are BAD. There is nothing good that can come from emotions. It's a very, very bad night for me.
Will came over today to see the kids. It's always fantastic when he comes over, I love it. We're such good friends that it's just easy to be around him. The kids are also on best behavior when Dad is around and for once I get respected. The problem: We're such good friends that it's just easy to slip back into old patterns of being married and in love. Will and I share an intimacy that is created by 9 years of being together and our 3 kids. I know him intimately and entirely and he knows me the same, even better I think. I know every nuance of who he is, as he does me. How do you just turn that off?
He's got "her" in his phone as "My Sweety" which makes me want to vomit. All the while he and I are basically connected at the hip. He was feeling something today, and it was huge but he wouldn't talk about it. Why is it so hard for me to remember that we're divorced? His "Sweety" and her crap are not my problem. Whether she's got him buying her tampons or doing their dishes or changing her son's diaper ... it no longer effects me and my kids. So why does it? Why do I still wish that I was his? Why do I still wish that he wouldn't leave at the end of the day? Why is it still so hard to be away from him? Why is it still so hard for him, too?
I changed the ringer on my phone for when he calls. It's a short segment of a Darius Rucker song. It says "This phase is going to fly by, so baby just hold on, it won't be like this for long."
I'm waiting for this phase to be over. I got over the denial this week. Now I'm in mourning. He sat here and held me and while I looked at him it was so hard not to see the face of the man that I looked into the eyes of across the alter in the temple, or the man a year earlier that I stood in front of wearing a wedding a dress. The big difference? His eyes. His eyes are so different. They're dull. I miss the sparkle of life and mischief in his eyes. Now all I see is weariness.
The other day I told him about my epiphany. He didn't get it, but I didn't really expect him to,
after all, it was MY epiphany and NOTHING makes sense in my head :) We talked and talked that evening after the kids were put down to bed and it was AWESOME. I was FINALLY able to articulate what I didn't understand before, what I didn't even realize I was feeling. I was FINALLY able to tell him that I am afraid of leaving him behind, Spiritually. I feel so guilty for abandoning him. I wish I could describe the picture in my head of what it looks like, but the closest thing I can get to is, albeit cheesy, the picture of of Lehi's Dream. The scriptural reference is 1Ne 8. In vs. 12 he says: "And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake if it also;..." He then begins to describe the rod of iron, the strait and narrow path, the fountain and spacious field. Laman and Lemuel would not partake of the fruit. They refused and there were so many things standing in the way of their coming forward to the tree where their family stood. Those on the path that wanted it, if they let go of the rod they were caught in a mist of darkness and got lost. Others actually made it to the tree and partook of the fruit and then "they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed." I can feel Lehi's horror, fear and despair for his sons and the others on the path. I'm still clinging to the rod trying not to get swept away by the mist myself. I have to remember that it is my job now to "beckon" to the children that they might partake of the fruit. But I feel that horror and despair for Will, who will not. I feel like I am abandoning him and just walking away in his deepest moment of need. I explained all of this to him and my sweet husband, er, ex-husband put his hands on my face and said "Don't wait for me". It wasn't the words, it wasn't his hands it wasn't anything tangible but at that beautiful moment of his sweetness, gentleness and that moment of being MY Will, he set me free. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my chest. At that moment I could breathe again. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just felt like I had been holding so tight to his Spirit so that it didn't get lost that I was suffocating not only him, but me as well. When he took ownership for his own salvation, for his own future and his own eternity, he released me of the responsibility of "saving his soul". I guess I was trying to be his savior and he already has one, he doesn't need me for anything except to hold his hand and walk with him or hold his head when he cries and to be his friend. I always will be.
It's painful to love him. It's painful to know that he's not here. It's not crippling most nights, tonight it is. I just want him to come home, back where he belongs.
Will came over today to see the kids. It's always fantastic when he comes over, I love it. We're such good friends that it's just easy to be around him. The kids are also on best behavior when Dad is around and for once I get respected. The problem: We're such good friends that it's just easy to slip back into old patterns of being married and in love. Will and I share an intimacy that is created by 9 years of being together and our 3 kids. I know him intimately and entirely and he knows me the same, even better I think. I know every nuance of who he is, as he does me. How do you just turn that off?
He's got "her" in his phone as "My Sweety" which makes me want to vomit. All the while he and I are basically connected at the hip. He was feeling something today, and it was huge but he wouldn't talk about it. Why is it so hard for me to remember that we're divorced? His "Sweety" and her crap are not my problem. Whether she's got him buying her tampons or doing their dishes or changing her son's diaper ... it no longer effects me and my kids. So why does it? Why do I still wish that I was his? Why do I still wish that he wouldn't leave at the end of the day? Why is it still so hard to be away from him? Why is it still so hard for him, too?I changed the ringer on my phone for when he calls. It's a short segment of a Darius Rucker song. It says "This phase is going to fly by, so baby just hold on, it won't be like this for long."
I'm waiting for this phase to be over. I got over the denial this week. Now I'm in mourning. He sat here and held me and while I looked at him it was so hard not to see the face of the man that I looked into the eyes of across the alter in the temple, or the man a year earlier that I stood in front of wearing a wedding a dress. The big difference? His eyes. His eyes are so different. They're dull. I miss the sparkle of life and mischief in his eyes. Now all I see is weariness.
The other day I told him about my epiphany. He didn't get it, but I didn't really expect him to,
after all, it was MY epiphany and NOTHING makes sense in my head :) We talked and talked that evening after the kids were put down to bed and it was AWESOME. I was FINALLY able to articulate what I didn't understand before, what I didn't even realize I was feeling. I was FINALLY able to tell him that I am afraid of leaving him behind, Spiritually. I feel so guilty for abandoning him. I wish I could describe the picture in my head of what it looks like, but the closest thing I can get to is, albeit cheesy, the picture of of Lehi's Dream. The scriptural reference is 1Ne 8. In vs. 12 he says: "And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake if it also;..." He then begins to describe the rod of iron, the strait and narrow path, the fountain and spacious field. Laman and Lemuel would not partake of the fruit. They refused and there were so many things standing in the way of their coming forward to the tree where their family stood. Those on the path that wanted it, if they let go of the rod they were caught in a mist of darkness and got lost. Others actually made it to the tree and partook of the fruit and then "they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed." I can feel Lehi's horror, fear and despair for his sons and the others on the path. I'm still clinging to the rod trying not to get swept away by the mist myself. I have to remember that it is my job now to "beckon" to the children that they might partake of the fruit. But I feel that horror and despair for Will, who will not. I feel like I am abandoning him and just walking away in his deepest moment of need. I explained all of this to him and my sweet husband, er, ex-husband put his hands on my face and said "Don't wait for me". It wasn't the words, it wasn't his hands it wasn't anything tangible but at that beautiful moment of his sweetness, gentleness and that moment of being MY Will, he set me free. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my chest. At that moment I could breathe again. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just felt like I had been holding so tight to his Spirit so that it didn't get lost that I was suffocating not only him, but me as well. When he took ownership for his own salvation, for his own future and his own eternity, he released me of the responsibility of "saving his soul". I guess I was trying to be his savior and he already has one, he doesn't need me for anything except to hold his hand and walk with him or hold his head when he cries and to be his friend. I always will be.It's painful to love him. It's painful to know that he's not here. It's not crippling most nights, tonight it is. I just want him to come home, back where he belongs.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Discovery
Last night a dear friend and former mission companion called me. She was an intensely happy person, very self assured and focused. I just loved serving with her. She recently went through a divorce (by recently I mean 18 months ago). We talked for a long while about lots of things, mostly about divorce. The reason Petey called was because I had sent her a message on facebook asking her advice. I have felt very ... drifty ... Not attached to anything and having no direction of any kind. I didn't know how to progress from this turn of events in my life and I had nothing/no one to give me any guidance. So I asked Petey. Just through her sheer sweetness, honesty and Spirit, she guided me to the answer to question I didn't think to ask. What is my universe centered on? Will. He has been the center of everything I've done for 9 years. He's been the center of my world and I rotated around him. When my universe exploded and the center was gone I was left floating, drifting, floundering aimlessly having no gravitational pull to anything but Will, who is pulling AWAY. DUH!!! I have spent 9 years centering myself on the WRONG THING!!! If I was living a CHRIST centered life, the removal of one fraction of myself would have been painful but not totally life destroying. My life has been on the wrong track for SO long I never even realized it. Everyone kept telling me to take Will down off his pedestal, but I never felt I put him up on one. I loved him as I feel that a spouse should love. What I DID do wrong was make him the core of my being. Now without my core I feel helpless, alone, and empty. How did I not get this before now?!! DUH!! It was such an incredible epiphany that I am not even sure Petey realized she helped create. She advised me, as a good missionary companion would, to read my scriptures and say my prayers everyday. I went to bed and picked up my Book of Mormon, which I had started as part of my new years resolutions, and started over. I made some fabulous discoveries:1. 1 Nephi 1:1 I, [Jade/Kydrun/Brylin] having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father, and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God...
We are responsible for teaching them the goodness and mysteries of God. They were born of goodly parents, Will and I aren't so bad. They have/will see MANY afflictions in their days and they are obviously highly favored of the Lord. How did I miss it before??
Once I set myself straight, with the correct Center in my life:
2. 1 Nephi 2:1 ... Blessed art though, [Kim], because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared unto [these children] the things which I commanded thee, ...
In 2:14 he even teaches me how to get the kids to listen to me!!
2:18 But, behold, [William] would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of [his] heart I cried unto the Lord for [him].
2:21 And, inasmuch as [Will] shall rebel against thee, [he] shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.
That broke my heart into a million little pieces.
And regarding the divorce:
4:10 And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should [divorce Will]; ... And I shrunk and would that I might not [divorce] him.
4:13 Behold, the Lord [ends one marriage] to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that [the kids] should dwindle and perish in unbelief.
And what I have been doing with Will:
4:31 ... I did seize upon [Will] and held him, that he should not flee.
32: ... if he would hearken unto my words, as the Lord liveth, and as I live, even so that he would hearken unto [my] words, [I] would spare his life [or help him come back to the church].
HOLY COW!! I have been trying to force Will, "seizing upon him". But he's not ready to listen. Zoram made an oath unto them and their "fears did cease concerning him" vs. 37 ... My fears have not ceased concerning Will. Probably never will.
Anyway, that was my fantastic epiphany last night.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Reinvention
Since it's a new year, it's time for new resolutions. Given that I'm in a whole new world now that I am totally unfamiliar with, hopefully this time these resolutions with stick.
1. To give up the Dr. Pepper, for good
2. To lose 50lbs
3. To get my temple recommend
4. To find out who I am and what I am worth
5. To be genuinely happy and content with my life
6. To be there for Will if he decides to walk the long road back, to hold his hand and give what strength I have
7. To be a good, focused Mom
The first two are my standard beginning of the year resolutions, but I really hope to accomplish them this year. The others, not really resolutions but ways of thinking I guess.
Jade celebrated her New Years by staying up all night. This should be fun, she gets HORRIBLY cranky when she's tired. I went to bed early but didn't go to sleep until 1. Brylin and Kydrun stayed up until 1 or 2. It was non-eventful and nice.
I'm going to reinvent myself. I got a perm a couple of months ago that I've started to regret. I want my long straight hair back. I think once this wears out a bit I'm going to color it. Wondering about going red again, or maybe blond. I haven't decided. I'm SERIOUSLY considering going in for a Mommy Make-over. I've got to get rid of this flabby tummy I've got. The butt I just have to work on, but the tummy I don't think I could get rid of. I also want to get a new wardrobe. I'm tired of being the frumpy mom. I've spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I have completely forgotten to take care of me. It's going to take some work to learn how to put me on the priority list.
1. To give up the Dr. Pepper, for good
2. To lose 50lbs
3. To get my temple recommend
4. To find out who I am and what I am worth
5. To be genuinely happy and content with my life
6. To be there for Will if he decides to walk the long road back, to hold his hand and give what strength I have
7. To be a good, focused Mom
The first two are my standard beginning of the year resolutions, but I really hope to accomplish them this year. The others, not really resolutions but ways of thinking I guess.
Jade celebrated her New Years by staying up all night. This should be fun, she gets HORRIBLY cranky when she's tired. I went to bed early but didn't go to sleep until 1. Brylin and Kydrun stayed up until 1 or 2. It was non-eventful and nice.
I'm going to reinvent myself. I got a perm a couple of months ago that I've started to regret. I want my long straight hair back. I think once this wears out a bit I'm going to color it. Wondering about going red again, or maybe blond. I haven't decided. I'm SERIOUSLY considering going in for a Mommy Make-over. I've got to get rid of this flabby tummy I've got. The butt I just have to work on, but the tummy I don't think I could get rid of. I also want to get a new wardrobe. I'm tired of being the frumpy mom. I've spent so much time focusing on everyone else that I have completely forgotten to take care of me. It's going to take some work to learn how to put me on the priority list.
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