Guilt

I am not sure how I feel. I'm not sure what to feel. I am so torn in pieces that I have lost track of what's what. I feel empty, I feel drained and mostly I feel guilty.

I love Will, with all of my heart. I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him. He's my HUSBAND, I don't care what that damn piece of paper says. He's been mine for 9 years. I've loved him with everything I am down to the marrow in my bones since before I ever even knew he was alive. I had to go all the way to Ohio to find him. I don't want to face my life without him. I am lonely, I am afraid.

I need to talk to Her. I need to tell her. Everytime I am with Will, intimately or otherwise, I just can't shake the guilt that I have become the Other Woman. I feel so awful inside. I have gone against who I am as a person, against my own morals and values ... against my very nature. But he's my husband ... I'm conflicted. How am I just suppose to turn that part of me off? Where is the switch I need to flip to shut him off?? I've written her a thousand emails, a thousand text messages and I generally either send them to myself or to Janice and they just get deleted. I have begged him over and over to tell her. She doesn't deserve to be lied to. He's doing to her what he did to me and I am allowing it. I've become that which I hate and I hate myself for it. I would tell her myself but I cannot risk the relationship that he and I have because of what it would do to the kids. I've got to tell her to be careful.

I'm worried about her son and a little bit irritated at the same time. I called him the other day and he surprisingly answered, he doesn't usually when he's with her. I heard her in the background say "Take it to Daddy" WHAT?!! Are you KIDDING ME?! She's got that baby calling Will DADDY. What is going to happen if it doesn't work out (and it's not going to, I already know that)?! That baby is going to be CRUSHED. This is not to mention MY children. How are they going to feel that THEIR Daddy is ALWAYS with her and her son and he's calling THEIR DADDY Daddy. I know exactly how they're going to feel, HURT and replaced. Just like he did.

I need to stop sleeping with him. It's complicating my relationship with him, it's complicating his relationship with her and it's complicating my relationship with myself. I don't like going against myself. Why's it always about sex? Our relationship was founded on sex. Sex was an issue when I was in my fog because I didn't want to be touchd, ever, so he found someone who did (I still hate her). When he came home it was all different, but by then it wasn't enough but it's still a damn issue.

I'm so irritated with myself, so angry. Why have I allowed myself to become the other woman? Waiting for him to call? Wanting to call but not being able to because I know he's at "home". Having him sneak over on his lunch hour, helping him concoct stories so he can come over at other times... what have I become? And what's worse is that even though I don't like her much, I still don't think she deserves this. I've tried to tell her, I sent her an email a while ago that said something like "I don't like that he lies to you, and he still is". I was hoping that she'd catch it. I even send texts to his phone about him telling "her we're still sleeping together" hoping that she'd be nosey like I was and read them. No such luck apparently.

I don't know what to do. I hate myself right now.