Exhausted

Humpty Dumpty had a great life,
Humpty Dumpty was a good wife.
She was so happy and so in love,
With a man she was forced to let go of.
Her heart was broken as she cried,
And she tried to forget the times that he lied.
Although they tried, all of her family and her friends
Couldn’t put Humpty back together again.

Kimberly Safford 01/14/2009

I got to go over and visit an old friend last night, Coral and her boyfriend, whom I've also known a long time, Peter. I hadn't seen Coral or Peter since I left on my mission except once or twice since I got home. So it's been 10 years or so since I'd seen them. I had some reservations, some apprehension about going but but I forced myself out the door because I knew if I didn't go I never would. I need to get over my fears of new things. Anyway, I was SO happy to see them again and SO relieved because they haven't changed AT ALL. It was so fun to watch Coral tell her stories, she used the same hand gestures, the same voice fluctuations, the same facial expressions. Peter was the same easy going guy as always. I am so glad I went and so glad to see them again.

Will had parent time with the kids last night while I went on my visit. I got home after the kids were already in bed, about 8:45 or 9. I will never understand the magic that he has because by 8:45 or 9 I'm at my wits end trying to get them to actually GET INTO bed, let alone getting them to actually be asleep. We sat and had a fantastic talk during which I had some revelations. Will has taken upon himself 100% of the responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He believes that if he hadn't gone forth and got the house (which I wanted) that we probably would have been okay in the long run. He said that he made a wrong choice which started the ball rolling in the wrong direction. I, on the other hand, am forever the martyr and firmly believe that the demise of our marriage rests squarely upon my shoulders. I feel like regardless of where we lived I was going to go down one way or the other. It feels terrible to be able to look back at the mistakes, the wrong steps, no matter how small and see how largely they took us off track.

A moment to whine: I just want my life back.

I haven't slept well for quite some time. I'm averaging about 3-4 hours a night. Sometimes I'm able to lay down and take a nap with the kids in the afternoon, but usually I just lie there with my mind churning. I'm really, really tired.

I didn't walk yesterday. I got up to go and couldn't find my shoes anywhere. I finally found them under an overturned basket of laundry that Brylin knocked off my bed the night before. I did take my vitamins and I did drink a lot of water. Over all it was a fairly good day, I got a lot accomplished.

When Will came over I had dinner prepared. We had venison steak, potatoes, sauteed mushrooms and asparagus. While I sat there and ate I looked around at the messes on the floor, the kids shoes, coats, books, toys, etc... and realized I didn't care. He always took issue with my lack of house cleaning skills but he doesn't realize that I live with three tornado's that can trash a room in 5 seconds. What he also doesn't realize is the fact that the living room WAS clean the night before and Brylin actually trashed it during the day. But, I didn't care what he thought. I could have had the kids clean it up but instead, I kicked them out and made them go play outsides. A decision I'm not sorry for. I still made the habitual "Oh Sorry about the mess" comments, but inside, I really didn't care anything about it except that it irritated ME. While he was here there was a VERY noticeable gap between us. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I tried to just accept that that is how it is when people divorce but it was too hard. I excused myself to the bedroom where I tried to keep myself composed, but he followed me knowing that I wasn't okay. He noticed it too, and was as uncomfortable with it as I was. So he hugged me to close the gap, and it worked. At moments, I miss my *husband* but MOSTLY, I just miss my friend. I'm so glad he knows me well enough to know when I'm not okay, to know when I need him and need a hug.

This morning I got up at 5:30 and after a brief confrontation with Kydrun about him being out of bed and into things he shouldn't be into, I went down to the fitness center and walked for 20 minutes. 20 boring minutes that seemed like an eternity. I came home, got Kydrun and Jade in the shower, after another brief confrontation with Kydrun about his distaste for breakfast. While they were showering and getting dressed I made breakfast, scrambled eggs, toast, bacon, milk and some orange segments. It's 8am, the kids are dressed and ready for school and we're on our way out the door. So far, a good day.