Progress

So it's been a few days since I've posted. I've had a lot to say, but just haven't had the gumption to say it. Been going through a mild depression I think, well ... I know. I'm working on getting out of it though.

So I've made some new scriptural discoveries that pertain to my life. In 1 Ne. 8 Nephi is recounting Lehi's vision of the tree. He says in Vs. 15 "...I beckoned unto them; and I also did say unto them with a loud voice that they should come unto me..." He desired so strongly that his family be with him. I feel this way about the kids. I worry that my beckoning will go unheeded or worse, if I get lost along the way that I cannot lead them, or beckon to them at all. What kind of example would I be? Anyway, In vs. 21 he says it for the first time, "And I saw numberless concourses of people, many of whom were pressing forward, that they might obtain the path which lead unto the tree by which I stood." Did you catch it? Try vs. 24 "And it came to pas that I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree." There it is again. PRESSING. CLINGING. Given the way that Nephi had to "engrave" his plates, the use of verbs would not be something he'd do lightly. These people were PRESSING, as if they were walking headlong into a tornado blowing the opposite direction, and CLINGING if it were the only way to save their lives. They weren't walking, they weren't strolling and they weren't holding; they were pressing and clinging. He says it again in vs. 30 "...they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree." They fell down when it was all over; Were they Relieved? Exhausted? Overwhelmed? Probably all of the above. And poor Lehi, he begged his sons, "...with all the feeling of a tender parent..." that they would partake. Then, he set them free. Vs. 38 "... he bade them to keep the commandments of the Lord; and he did cease speaking unto them." I know how that is, I know how that feels ... I have ceased speaking.

Another lesson is in chapter 9. Nephi is instructed to make these plates he's writing on, but isn't sure why, "...The Lord hath commanded me to make these plates for a wise purpose in him, which purpose I know not." It's interesting to me that the Lord makes commands without explanation. Okay, let me clarify how this strikes me. I don't believe that the Lord designed or commanded or anything remotely relating to the demise of my marriage. I believe that we were on the right path and took one or two missteps that took us miles and miles off course. I don't think that was eternally designed. Okay, so my point: He has a wise purpose. No, he may not have DESIGNED it, but he KNEW it was going to happen with each mistake that we made along the way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it makes sense in my head. Anyway, the scripture that hits home is vs. 6, "But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words..." So he KNEW and because he knew as we took each misstep he prepared a way for me to accomplish HIS works; not MY works; not the works of the Saffords. HIS works and through accomplishing HIS works, my works would be accomplished as well. He knew, he cared and he designed a way out of it for me. As in Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father." It is often cited as an example of God's awareness of every life, no matter how small. No matter how small. That always struck me as a missionary; in fact I'd point it out to people when telling them story of the First Vision. The Lord came to Joseph Smith, who was literally a child, and he CALLED HIM BY NAME. He knew this child, not JUST because he was destined to be the first prophet of the last dispensation, but because Joseph was HIS child. I deserve that too. I have a very dear friend who lives in Australia that I talk to from time to time and email once in awhile and during a phone conversation a week or so ago he was telling me about some books he'd read and some things he'd learned. What he'd learned? That we're all children of God. A very simple truth. I am a child of God and therefore am worthy of and deserving of His love and His concern. In addition, it means that I am divine as His child, and I have Divine worth. How could a person forget that they have divine worth?

Anyway, back to Verb usage by Nephi: In chapter 10:17 he says, "...by the power of the Holy Ghost, which is the gift of God unto all those who diligently seek him..." Vs. 19, "he that diligently seeketh shall find..." It's a similar vein, at least to me as the scripture in James 2:17 "Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." You can't have forgiveness without repentance; faith without works; answers without prayer. If I do not DILIGENTLY seek, I shall not find. Diligently.

Last night I went to an LDS Singles dance. It was weird. For the first while I stood upstairs watching over the balcony. I made the mistake of telling Janice that I thought a guy was cute, so she turned around and introduced herself to him and the moved on to visiting with his friend and left me to talk to "Chad". I can list on both hands the number of blunders I made in conversing with him, but he's from California and was here on a vacation so no harm, no foul. I was able to hook up with one of my former mission companions, Sister Peterson, NKA Dilya. She's awesome and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It took a bit of time to get out of my proverbial shell and actually get on the dance floor. Once I was there I remembered how much I really enjoyed dancing. I met some really fantastic guys and Janice and I had a great time. We're looking forward to going again.