Discovery

Last night a dear friend and former mission companion called me. She was an intensely happy person, very self assured and focused. I just loved serving with her. She recently went through a divorce (by recently I mean 18 months ago). We talked for a long while about lots of things, mostly about divorce. The reason Petey called was because I had sent her a message on facebook asking her advice. I have felt very ... drifty ... Not attached to anything and having no direction of any kind. I didn't know how to progress from this turn of events in my life and I had nothing/no one to give me any guidance. So I asked Petey. Just through her sheer sweetness, honesty and Spirit, she guided me to the answer to question I didn't think to ask. What is my universe centered on? Will. He has been the center of everything I've done for 9 years. He's been the center of my world and I rotated around him. When my universe exploded and the center was gone I was left floating, drifting, floundering aimlessly having no gravitational pull to anything but Will, who is pulling AWAY. DUH!!! I have spent 9 years centering myself on the WRONG THING!!! If I was living a CHRIST centered life, the removal of one fraction of myself would have been painful but not totally life destroying. My life has been on the wrong track for SO long I never even realized it. Everyone kept telling me to take Will down off his pedestal, but I never felt I put him up on one. I loved him as I feel that a spouse should love. What I DID do wrong was make him the core of my being. Now without my core I feel helpless, alone, and empty. How did I not get this before now?!! DUH!! It was such an incredible epiphany that I am not even sure Petey realized she helped create. She advised me, as a good missionary companion would, to read my scriptures and say my prayers everyday. I went to bed and picked up my Book of Mormon, which I had started as part of my new years resolutions, and started over. I made some fabulous discoveries:
1. 1 Nephi 1:1 I, [Jade/Kydrun/Brylin] having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father, and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God...

We are responsible for teaching them the goodness and mysteries of God. They were born of goodly parents, Will and I aren't so bad. They have/will see MANY afflictions in their days and they are obviously highly favored of the Lord. How did I miss it before??

Once I set myself straight, with the correct Center in my life:
2. 1 Nephi 2:1 ... Blessed art though, [Kim], because of the things which thou hast done; and because thou hast been faithful and declared unto [these children] the things which I commanded thee, ...

In 2:14 he even teaches me how to get the kids to listen to me!!

2:18 But, behold, [William] would not hearken unto my words; and being grieved because of the hardness of [his] heart I cried unto the Lord for [him].
2:21 And, inasmuch as [Will] shall rebel against thee, [he] shall be cut off from the presence of the Lord.

That broke my heart into a million little pieces.

And regarding the divorce:
4:10 And it came to pass that I was constrained by the Spirit that I should [divorce Will]; ... And I shrunk and would that I might not [divorce] him.
4:13 Behold, the Lord [ends one marriage] to bring forth his righteous purposes. It is better that one man should perish than that [the kids] should dwindle and perish in unbelief.

And what I have been doing with Will:

4:31 ... I did seize upon [Will] and held him, that he should not flee.
32: ... if he would hearken unto my words, as the Lord liveth, and as I live, even so that he would hearken unto [my] words, [I] would spare his life [or help him come back to the church].

HOLY COW!! I have been trying to force Will, "seizing upon him". But he's not ready to listen. Zoram made an oath unto them and their "fears did cease concerning him" vs. 37 ... My fears have not ceased concerning Will. Probably never will.

Anyway, that was my fantastic epiphany last night.