Emotions

For some reason I have yet to explain to myself I let myself have emotions. Emotions are BAD. There is nothing good that can come from emotions. It's a very, very bad night for me.

Will came over today to see the kids. It's always fantastic when he comes over, I love it. We're such good friends that it's just easy to be around him. The kids are also on best behavior when Dad is around and for once I get respected. The problem: We're such good friends that it's just easy to slip back into old patterns of being married and in love. Will and I share an intimacy that is created by 9 years of being together and our 3 kids. I know him intimately and entirely and he knows me the same, even better I think. I know every nuance of who he is, as he does me. How do you just turn that off?

He's got "her" in his phone as "My Sweety" which makes me want to vomit. All the while he and I are basically connected at the hip. He was feeling something today, and it was huge but he wouldn't talk about it. Why is it so hard for me to remember that we're divorced? His "Sweety" and her crap are not my problem. Whether she's got him buying her tampons or doing their dishes or changing her son's diaper ... it no longer effects me and my kids. So why does it? Why do I still wish that I was his? Why do I still wish that he wouldn't leave at the end of the day? Why is it still so hard to be away from him? Why is it still so hard for him, too?

I changed the ringer on my phone for when he calls. It's a short segment of a Darius Rucker song. It says "This phase is going to fly by, so baby just hold on, it won't be like this for long."

I'm waiting for this phase to be over. I got over the denial this week. Now I'm in mourning. He sat here and held me and while I looked at him it was so hard not to see the face of the man that I looked into the eyes of across the alter in the temple, or the man a year earlier that I stood in front of wearing a wedding a dress. The big difference? His eyes. His eyes are so different. They're dull. I miss the sparkle of life and mischief in his eyes. Now all I see is weariness.


The other day I told him about my epiphany. He didn't get it, but I didn't really expect him to, after all, it was MY epiphany and NOTHING makes sense in my head :) We talked and talked that evening after the kids were put down to bed and it was AWESOME. I was FINALLY able to articulate what I didn't understand before, what I didn't even realize I was feeling. I was FINALLY able to tell him that I am afraid of leaving him behind, Spiritually. I feel so guilty for abandoning him. I wish I could describe the picture in my head of what it looks like, but the closest thing I can get to is, albeit cheesy, the picture of of Lehi's Dream. The scriptural reference is 1Ne 8. In vs. 12 he says: "And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake if it also;..." He then begins to describe the rod of iron, the strait and narrow path, the fountain and spacious field. Laman and Lemuel would not partake of the fruit. They refused and there were so many things standing in the way of their coming forward to the tree where their family stood. Those on the path that wanted it, if they let go of the rod they were caught in a mist of darkness and got lost. Others actually made it to the tree and partook of the fruit and then "they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed." I can feel Lehi's horror, fear and despair for his sons and the others on the path. I'm still clinging to the rod trying not to get swept away by the mist myself. I have to remember that it is my job now to "beckon" to the children that they might partake of the fruit. But I feel that horror and despair for Will, who will not. I feel like I am abandoning him and just walking away in his deepest moment of need. I explained all of this to him and my sweet husband, er, ex-husband put his hands on my face and said "Don't wait for me". It wasn't the words, it wasn't his hands it wasn't anything tangible but at that beautiful moment of his sweetness, gentleness and that moment of being MY Will, he set me free. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off of my chest. At that moment I could breathe again. I don't know what it was exactly, but it just felt like I had been holding so tight to his Spirit so that it didn't get lost that I was suffocating not only him, but me as well. When he took ownership for his own salvation, for his own future and his own eternity, he released me of the responsibility of "saving his soul". I guess I was trying to be his savior and he already has one, he doesn't need me for anything except to hold his hand and walk with him or hold his head when he cries and to be his friend. I always will be.

It's painful to love him. It's painful to know that he's not here. It's not crippling most nights, tonight it is. I just want him to come home, back where he belongs.