Devistation

It was a whirlwind that's left me with whiplash and I'm still dizzy. I knew, I KNEW it was over before he did. As soon as he started his second job, I knew. Within 6 weeks of it we were back to our "before marriage". The "after marriage" was virtually perfect in every way; at least to me it was. We went back to the "before marriage" communication of "What's wrong Honey?" "Nothing, I'm fine." I knew, I knew then it was over. But I was still surprised when he said "I'm not happy"; I was even more surprised when two weeks after he said that he said "Just fill out the papers, let's file" and even more surprised when two weeks after that he moved out of my bed and into the bed of his non-existent girlfriend, two days after we filed. 19 days later the divorce is final, on Christmas Eve. I hate Christmas. God, I hate Christmas. He says "I am just not meant to be married." We talk and text all day everyday. He'd let me believe he wasn't that happy, that that they fought a lot (which they do, I'm a witness!) and when I'd ask if they were getting married, he'd say "If we can work things out, but we've got a lot to settle first." His excuse for letting me believe this? Because he didn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. We've never stopped sleeping together ... twice just yesterday. It's been 3 weeks since our divorce was final and he just told me that he's going to marry her. Why am I surprised AGAIN? Why am I up at 1am crying over a man who has continually used me, taken advantage of my fragile feelings and heart, continually lied to and rejected me? Why do I care? Why does this hurt so bad? Everyone keeps telling me that it takes time. F*ck Time!! I need it to stop NOW. I thought he wasn't marriage material??? Yet here he is getting remarried to a woman he has only known for 3 months, moved in with after only knowing her for 1 month and that he fights with constantly. When do I get to stand up, dust off my knees and open my eyes again?? He's crushed me to nothing and I've allowed it. I've allowed this to happen because I'm STUPID. WHY AM I SO STUPID!!??? Why would I believe that he actually gave a flying f*ck about me??? About my feelings?? Oh, I don't know, maybe because he SAID he did? Maybe because he holds me when I cry, he kisses my cheek and my forehead and my nose and my ears. Maybe because he always is so tender and gentle and saying he's sorry. He KNEW, he KNEW he was planning on marrying her yet he let me put myself out there for him AGAIN. I LET HIM!! I let him lie to me, I let him use his magic to put stardust in my eyes and delude me. I LET HIM DO THIS TO ME!! He keeps saying he's sorry for hurting me and I keep saying he didn't, I did this to myself. I DID DO THIS TO MYSELF! What was I THINKING?!! It's only been 3 weeks. Only 3 weeks since the end of my life as I knew it. And I'm being told that my husband is marrying someone else. How much more am I suppose to take?? How much more pain can I possibly bear??