I Stood

So my phenomenally bad day that started on Friday night and didn't get any better has mildly improved. I'm hoping and praying that it will be better tomorrow.

I have surpassed denial. I'm not sure if I'm in mourning, it sure feels like mourning and I'm even a little angry but not at Will. PROGRESS. Although, I think Will has forgotten what we learned in our divorce class. The man said that the spouse who INITIATES the divorce will ALWAYS be farther ahead in their process than the other because the initiating spouse had warning while the other was blindsided. Will has already been through his process, years ago. I've just started mine and I have a long ways to go. BUT ... I'm making progress. He's just losing his patience with it.

So I'm still reading in the BoM. I'm on Chapter 7 of 1 Nephi. I started it expecting to just breeze through it since there isn't any real pertinence to me. I got to vs. 8 where Nephi asks L & L about why he has to be the example for his older brothers. I read it thinking it was about Will and me. Why do I have to be the example for Will since he was the priesthood holder and patriarch of our family? I got to vs. 13 and started down through 14 and 15 and realized that those vs. weren't about Will at all ... they were about me. "...how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." 13, 14, & 15 are talking about them returning to Jerusalem ... which in personal interpretation means Will to me. Vs. 15 "Now behold, I say unto you that if ye will return unto [Will] ye shall also perish with [him]." Then in vs. 20 they were sorrowful and repentant and plead for forgiveness. Nephi is so funny. He did "frankly forgive them". That is how I feel about my Will. I have frankly forgiven him for all he has done that has affected me. It is not my place to judge him. "I [would] exhort [him] that [he] would pray unto the Lord [his] God for forgiveness." I wish that my family could get that. That is part of why I'm not very angry. I mean, I haven't really hit anger yet, but I'm not sure I ever will. He made his choices, he did his thing, and his choices have directly affected my life. It's possible that there is a lesson in this that I must learn. It is possible that the lesson is not for me, but for him. But, I digress. I wish that my family could understand the concept of forgiveness. He did what he did, it's not my place, or theirs, to be angry at and judge him. It's our place as fellow children of God, and his FAMILY, to LOVE HIM and forgive him and let God do the rest. I just wish he'd turn to God and repent. *shrug* But, I still digress from my point. I found it interesting that I was reading something that I thought had no bearing on my life and found that it was very directly related to my very own behaviors, my very own wishes and desires. I very much desire to go back to Will, to get back what we had. That isn't possible, it will never be possible. If I were to take him back now, with his life the way it is right now, I'd be jumping onto a sinking ship. The best thing for me, and for my children is to stay on the ship that is afloat and hold tight to the rope that has the life preserver attached that we have thrown to Will. That life preserver will always be in the water for him, but it's up to him to grab it. But I will not go in after him.

I still don't want to be divorced. I still hate every moment of this. I still cry and I still want. But thankfully my scripture reading has given me the answer to that as well: vs. 17 "... Oh Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me... give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound." vs. 18 "... the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet, and I stood..."

And I stood.

Rascall Flatts - STAND
"When push comes to shove you taste what you're made of.
You might bend till you break cause it's all you can take.
On your knees you look up, decide you've had enough.
You get mad, you get strong, wipe your hands, shake it off
THEN YOU STAND."